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The Little Man in Black. 

Engraved hy Andeksok, from the original Dra/wing. 



Salmagundi. 




Launcelot Langstaff, Esq. 



New York : 
G. P. Putnam & Co., 321 Broadway. 



'X 

/ 



SALIAIIU^DI; 



OE, THE 



WHIM- WHAMS AND OPINIONS 



OP 



LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ., 

AND OTHERS. 



(J--^. ' 



In hoc est hoax, cum quiz et jokesez, 
Et suiokem, toastem, roastem folksez, 

Fee, faw, fum. Psalmanaaa/r. 

With baked and broiled, and etewed and toasted; 
And fried and broiled, and smoked, and roasted. 

We treat the town. 




V 



NEW YORK: 

G. P. PUTNAM & CO., 321 BROADWAY. 

18.57. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1857, by 

G. P. PUTNAM, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the 

Southern District of New York. 



PRINTED BY R. CRATGHEAD, 

Caiton UutRJing, 

HI, 83, and 85 Centre Street. 



TABLE OF CONTENTS. 



NO. I. — Editor's Advertisement, \ 

Publisher's Notice, 8 

Introduction to the "Work, .... 9 
Theatrics. By Will Wizard, . . . .13 

New York Assembly. By A. Evergreen, . 15 

NO. II. — Launcelot Langstaffs Account of his Friends, . 18 

Mr. Wilson's Concert. By A. Evergreen, . 21 

NO. III. — Account of Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, . 29 
Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Klian to 

Asem Hacchem, 30 

Fashions. By A. Evergreen, .... 33 

Fashionable Morning Dress for Walking, . . 34 

The Progress of Salmagundi, .... 35 
Poetical Proclamation. From the Mill of Pindar 

Cockloft, Esq., . • 37 

NO. IV. — Some Account of Jeremy Cockloft the Younger, 40 
Memorandums for a Tour to be entitled "The 
Stranger in New Jersey, or. Cockney Travel- 
ling." By Jeremy Cockloft the Younger, . 42 
NO. Y. — Introduction to a Letter from Mustapha Rub-a- 

Dub Keli Khan, 4Y 

Letter from Mustapha to Abdallah Eb'n al 

Pahab, 4*7 

Account of Will Wizard's Expedition to a Mo- 
dern Ball. By A. Evergreen, ... 53 
Poetical Epistle to the Ladies. From the Mill 
of Pindar Cockloft, Esq., .... 57 

NO. YL— Account of the Family of the Cocklofts, . . 60 

Theatrics. By Will Wizard, Esq., ... 67 
NO. YII. — Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan to 

Asem Hacchem, . . . . . .12 

Poetical Account of Ancient Times. From the 

Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq., . . . "78 

Notes on the Above. By W. Wizard, Esq., . 80 
NO.YIII. — Anthony Evergreen's Account of his Friend 

Langstaff, ........ 83 

On Style. By WiUiam Wizard, Esq., . . 88 

The Editors and the Public, .... 92 

NO. IX. — Account of Miss Charity Cockloft. From the 

Elbow Chair of the Author, .... 95 

Letter from Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan to Asem 

Hacchem, 100 

Poetry. From the Mill of Pmdar Cockloft, Esq., 105 



Viii CONTENTS. 

PAGE 

NO. X. — Introduction to the Number, . . .110 

Letter from Demi Semiquaver to Launcelot 

Langstaff, Esq. Ill 

Note. By the Publisher, . . . .115 
NO. XI. — Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Elhan 

to Asem Hacchem, . . . . . 117 
Account of " Mine Uncle John," . . .123 
NO. XIL— Christopher Cockloft's Company, . . .129 
The Stranger at Home ; or, a Tour in Broad- 
way. By Jeremy Cockloft the Younger, . 134 
Introduction to Pindar Cockloft's Poem, . 139 
A Poem, from the Mill of Pindar Cockloft, Esq., 140 
NO. XIII — Introduction to Will Wizard's Plan for defend- 
ing our Harbor, . . . . .143 
"Plans for defending our Harbor," by Wil- 
liam Wizard, Esq., ..... 146 
A Retrospect; or, " What Ton Will," . .150 
To Readers and Correspondents, . . .156 
NO. XIV. — Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan 

to Asem Hacchem, 158 

Cockloft Hall. By L. Langstaff, . . .164 
Theatrical Intelligence. By William Wizard, 

Esq., 170 

NO. XV. — Sketches from Nature. ByA. Evergreen, Gent, 173 
On Greatness. By L. Langstaff, Esq., . .177 
NO. XVL— Style at Ballston. By W. Wizard, Esq., . 183 
From Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan, to 

Asem Hacchem, 187 

NO. XVII. — Autumnal Reflections. By Launcelot Lang- 
staff, Esq., 194 

Description of the Library at Cockloft Hall. 

By L. Langstaff; 197 

Chap. CIX. of the Chronicles of the Renowned 
and Ancient City of Gotham, , . . 200 
NO. XVin.— The Little Man in Black. By Launcelot Lang- 
staff", Esq., . . . • . . .205 
Letter from Mustapha Rub-a-Dub Keli Khan 

to Asem Hacchem, 210 

NO. XIX.— Introduction to the Number, . . .215 

Letter from Rub-a-Dub Keh Khan to Muley 

Helun al Raggi, 216 

Anthony Evergreen's Introduction to the 

" Winter Campaign," .... 222 
Tea. A Poem from the MiU of Pindar Cock- 
loft, Esq., 226 

NO. XX.— On the New Year, 230 

To the Ladies. From A, Evergreen, Gent, . 235 
Farewell Address, 239 



[For the following references to " Salmagundi," 
the publishers are indebted to the proof sheets of the 
article on Washington Irving, in AUibone's forth- 
coming *' Critical Dictionary of Authors^'''' &c.] 

" "We all remember the success of Salmagundi, to which he was 
a large and distinguished contributor ; with what rapidity and to 
what extent it circulated through America ; how familiar it made 
us with the local pleasantry, and the personal humors of New 
York, and what an abiding influence it has had in that city, by 
forming a sort of school of wit of a character somewhat marked 
and peculiar, and superior to every thing our country has witness- 
ed except perhaps that of the wits of the Anarchiad in Connec- 
ticut." — Edward Everett : N. Amer. Rev. xv, 206, July, 1822. 

" "We have no hesitation in saying at the outset, that we con- 
sider the good papers of Salmagundi, and the greater part of Knick- 
erbocker, superior to the Sketch Book It [Salmagundi] 

was exceedingly pleasant morning or after-dinner reading, never 
taking up too much of a gentleman's time from his business and 
pleasures, nor so exalted and spiritualized as to seem mystical to 

his far reaching vision Though its wit is sometimes forced, 

and its serious style sometunes false, upon looking it over, we 
have found it full of entertainment, with an infinite variety of 
characters and circumstances, and with that amiable, good-natured 
wit and pathos, which show that the heart has not grown hard 
while making merry of the world." — Richard H. Dana, Senior, 
N. A. Rev. ix. 323, 334, 344, 345, Sept. 1819. 

" The better pieces are written in Mr. Irving's best manner. 
Take it altogether, it was certainly a production of extraordinary 
merit, and was instantaneously and universally recognised as such 
by the public. It wants of course the graver merits of the modem 
British collections of Essays: but for spirit, effect, and actual 
literary value, we doubt whether any publication of the class 



since ' The Spectator, upon which it is directly modelled, can 
fairly be put in competition with it." — Alexander H. Everett, N. A. 
Rev. xxviii. 116, Jan. 1829. 

"It was in form and method of publication imitated from the 
'Spectator,' but in details, spirit, and aim, so exquisitely adapted 
to the latitude of New York, that its appearance was hailed with 
a delight hitherto"\inknown ; it was, in fact, a complete triumph 
of local genius." — Henry T. Tuckerman: Sketch of Amer. Lit. 

" In this work we are introduced to the watering-places, balls, 
elections, reviews, and coteries of the daughter country, and par- 
ticularly of New York, the centre of its fashion, in a style of un- 
sparing and broad humor, infinitely outdoing any liberties which 
Mathews thought fit to take with his hospitable entertainers, and 
reflecting some credit on the good temper which was shown by 
its reception That ' Salmagundi ' owes its principal pre- 
tensions to Mr. Irving's exertions we are the more inclined to 
conclude from the evidence of a work in which, not very long 
afterwards, he tried his strength single-handed, under the title of 
'Knickerbocker's Humorous History of New York." — Lon. Quart. 
Rev. xxxi. 474, 475, March, 1825. 

" The production of Paulding, Irving, Verplanck,* and perhaps 
of others, in partnership : — the papers of Paulding are more sar- 
castic, ill-natured, acrimonious — bitter, than those of Irving; but 
quite as able. Those by Verplanck, we do not know: we have 
only heard of him, as one of the writers. It is a work 'in two vo- 
lumes duodecimo ; essays, after the manner of Goldsmith — a down- 
right, secret, labored, continual imitation of him — abounding, too, 
in plagiarisms : the title is from our English Flim Flams ; oriental 
papers — the little man in black, &c., &c., from the Citizen of the 
"World. Parts are capital : as a whole, the work is quite superior 
to anytliing of the kind which this age has produced." — Ameri- 
can "Writers No. lY., BlacJcioood's Magazine, Jan. 1825, 17 : 61. 

* An error : Mr Verplanck had no part in the work. — Publisher. 



SALMAGUNDI. 



No. I.— SATUEDAY, JANUARY 24, 180Y. 

As everybody knows, or ought to know, what a Salmagundi 
ia, we shall spare ourselves the trouble of an explanation — be- 
sides, we despise trouble as we do everything that is low and 
mean ; and hold the man who would incur it unnecessarily, as an 
object worthy our highest pity and contempt. Neither will we 
puzzle our heads to give an account of ourselves, for two reasons ; 
first, because it is nobody's business ; secondly, because if it were, 
we do not hold ourselves bound to attend to anybody's business 
but our own ; and even that we take the liberty of neglecting 
when it suits our incUnation. To these we might add a third, 
that very few men can give a tolerable account of themselves, let 
them try ever so hard ; but this reason, we candidly avow, would 
not hold good with ourselves. 

There are, however, two or three pieces of information which 
we bestow gratis on the public, chiefly because it suits our own 
pleasure and convenience that they should be known, and partly 
because we do not wish that there should be any iU will between 
us at the commencement of our acquaintance. 

Our intention is simply to instruct tlie young, reform the old, 
correct the town, and castigate the age ; tliis is an arduous task, 
and therefore we undertake it with confidence. "We intend for 
this purpose to present a striking picture of the town ; and as 
everybody is anxious to see his own phiz on canvass, however 
stupid or ugly it may be, we have no doubt but the whole town 
will flock to our exhibition. Our picture will necessarily include 
a vast variety of figures ; and should any gentleman or lady be 
displeased with the inveterate truth of their likenesses, they may 
ease their spleen by laughing at those of their neighbors — this 
being what we understand by poetical justice. 

Like all true and able editors, we consider ourselves mfallible, 
and therefore, with the customary diffidence of our bretliren of the 



8 SALMAGUNDI. 

quin, we shall take the liberty of interfering ii all matters either 
of a pubUc or private nature. "We are critics, amateurs, dQettanti, 
and cognoscenti; and as we know "by the pricking of our 
thumbs," that every opinion which we may advance in either ot 
those characters will be correct, we are determined, though it 
may be questioned, contradicted, or even controverted, yet it shall 
never be revoked. 

We beg the public particularly to understand, that we solicit no 
patronage. We are determined, on the contrary, that the patron- 
age shall be enthely on our side. We have nothing to do with 
the pecuniary concerns of the paper; its success will yield us 
neither pride nor profit — nor will its failure occasion to us either 
loss or mortification. We advise the pubhc, therefore, to pur- 
chase our numbers merely for their own sakes : — if they do not, 
let them settle the affair with their consciences and posterity. 

To conclude, we invite all editors of newspapers and hterary 
journals, to praise us heartily in advance, as we assure them that 
we intend to deserve their praises. To our next door neighbor, 
" Town," we hold out a hand of amity, declaring to him that, 
after ours, his paper will stand the best chance for immortahty. 
We proffer an exchange of civihties ; he shall furnish us with no- 
tices of epic poems and tobacco ; — and we in return will enrich 
him with original speculations on all manner of subjects; together 
with "the rummaging of my grandfather's mahogany chest of 
drawers," "the life and amours of mine uncle John," "anecdotes 
of the Cockloft family," and learned quotations from that unheard 
of writer of folios, Linkum Fidelius. 



PUBLISHER'S NOTICE. 

This work will be pubhshed and sold by D. Longworth. It 
will be printed on hot-pressed vellum paper, as that is held in 
highest estimation for buckhng up young ladies' hair — a purpose 
to which similar works are usually appropriated; it will be a 
small neat duodecimo size, so that when enough numbers are 
written, it may form a volume sufficiently portable to be carried 
in old ladies' pockets and young ladies' work-bags. 

As the above work will not come out at stated periods, notice 
will be given when another number will be published. The price 
will depend on the size of the number, and must be paid on de- 
hvery. The publisher professes the same subhme contempt for 
money as his authors. The liberal patronage bestowed by his 
discerning fellow-citizens on various works of taste which he haa 
published, has left him uo inclination to ask for further favors at 



SALMAGUNDI. 



their hands ; and he publishes this work in the mere hope of re- 
quiting their bounty.* 



FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OF LAUNOELOT LANG- 
STAFF, ESQ. 

We were a considerable time in deciding whether we should 
be at the pains of introducing ourselves to the public. As we 
care for nobody, and as we are not yet at the bar, we do not feel 
bound to hold up our hands and answer to our names. 

Willing, however, to gain at once that frank, confidential foot- 
ing, which we are certain of ultimately possessing in this, doubt- 
less, "best of all possible cities;" and anxious to spare its worthy 
inhabitants the trouble of making a thousand wise conjectures, 
not one of which would be worth a "tobacco-stopper," we have 
thought it in some degree a necessary exertion of charitable con- 
descension to furnish them with a slight clue to the truth. 

Before we proceed further, however, we advise everybody, 
man, woman, and child, that can read, or get any friend to read 
for them, to purchase this paper: — not that we write for money; 
— for, in common with all philosophical wiseacres, from Solomon 
downwards, we hold it in supreme contempt. The public are 
welcome to buy this work, or not ; just as they choose. If it be 
purchased freely, so much the better for the public — and the 
publisher : — we gain not a stiver. If it be not purchased we give 
fair warning — we shall burn all our essays, critiques, and epi- 
grams, in one promiscuous blaze ; and, like the books of the sybUs 
and the Alexandrian library, they will be lost for ever to posterity. 
For the sake, therefore, of our pubhsher, for the sake of the 
public, and for the sake of the public's children to the nineteenth 
generation, we advise them to purchase our paper. We beg the 
respectable old matrons of this city not to be alarmed at the 
appearance we make ; we are none of those outlandish geniuses 
who swarm in New York, who live by their wits, or rather by 
the little wit of their neighbors ; and who spoil the genuine honest 
American tastes of their daughters with French slops and fricaseed 
sentiment. 

We have said we do not write for money; — neither do we 
write for fame : — we know too well the variable nature of public 
opinion, to build our hopes upon it — we care not what the public 

* It was not originally the intention of the authors to insert the above 
address in the work ; but, unwilling that a onoreeau so precious should be 
lost to posterity, they have been induced to alter their minds. This will 
account for any repetition of idea that may appear in the introductory essay. 

1* 



10 SALMAGUNDI. 

think of us ; and we suspect, before we reach the tenth number, 
they will not Mow what to think of us. In two words — we write 
for no other earthly purpose but to please ourselves — and this we 
shall be sure of doing ; for we are all three of us determined 
beforehand to be pleased with what we write. IfJ in the course 
of this work, we edify, and instruct, and amuse the public ; so 
much the better for the pubhc: — but we frankly acknowledge 
that so soon as we get tired of reading our own works, we shall 
discontinue them without the least remorse, whatever the public 
may think of it. While we continue to go on, we will go on 
merrily: — if we moralize, it shall be but seldom; and, on all 
occasions, we shall be more solicitous to make our readers laugh 
than cry ; for we are laughing philosophers, and clearly of opinion, 
that wisdom, true wisdom, is a plump, jolly dame, who sits in her 
arm-chair, laughs right merrily at the farce of life — and takes the 
world as it goes. 

We intend particularly to notice the conduct of the fashionable 
world ; nor in this shall we be governed by that carping spirit 
with which narrow-minded book-worm cynics squint at the little 
extravagancies of the ton ; but with that liberal toleration which 
actuates every man of fashion. While we keep more than a 
Cerberus watch over the guardian rules of female delicacy and 
decorum — we shall not discourage any little sprightliness of 
demeanor, or innocent vivacity of character. Before we advance 
one line further, we must let it be understood, as our firm opinion, 
void of all prejudice or partiality, that the ladies of New York are 
the fairest, the finest, the most accomplished, the most bewitch- 
ing, the most ineffable beings that walk, creep, crawl, swim, fly, 
float, or vegetate in any or all of the four elements ; and that they 
only want to be cured of certain whims, eccentricities, and un- 
seemly conceits, by our superintending cares, to render them 
absolutely perfect. They will, therefore, receive a large portion 
of those attentions directed to the fashionable world ; nor will the 
gentlemen who doze away their time in the circles of the haui-ton, 
escape our currying. We mean those stupid fellows who sit stock- 
still upon their chairs, without saying a word, and then complain 
how damned stupid it was at Miss 's party. 

This department will be under the peculiar direction and con- 
trol of Anthony Evergreen, gent., to whom all communications 
on this subject are to be addressed. This gentleman, from his 
long experience in the routine of balls, tea-parties, and assemblies, 
is eminently quahfied for the task he has undertaken. He is a 
kind of patriarch in the fashionable world ; and has seen genera- 
tion after generation pass away into the silent tomb of matrimony 
while he remains unchangeably the same. He can recount the 
amours and courtships of the fathers, mothers, uncles and aunts, 
and even the grandames, of all the belles of the present day ; 
provided their pedigrees extend so far back without being lost 
in obscurity. As, however, treating of pedigrees is rather an un- 



SALMAGUNDI. 11 

grateful task in this city, and as we mean to be perfectly good- 
natured, he has promised to be cautious in this particular. He 
recollects perfectly the time when young ladies usdd to go sleigh- 
riding, at night, without their mammas or grandmammas; in 
short, without being matronized at aU : and can relate a thousand 
pleasant stories about Kissing-bridge. He likewise remembera 
the time when ladies paid tea-visits, at three in the afternoon, 
and returned before dark to see that the house was shut up and 
the servants on duty. He has often played cricket in the orchard 
in the rear of old VauxhaU, and remembers when the Bull's-head 
was quite out of town. Though he was slowly and gradually 
given into modern fashions, and still flourishes in the beau-nionde, 
yet he seems a httle prejudiced in favor of the dress and manners 
of the old school; and his cliief commendation of a new mode is, 
" that it is the same good old fashion we had before the war." 
It has cost us much trouble to make liim confess that a cotiUion 
is superior to a minuet, or an unadorned crop to a pig-tail and 
powder. Custom and fashion have, however, had more efl'ect on 
him than all our lectures ; and he tempers, so happily, the grave 
and ceremonious gallantry of the old school with the " haU-fellow" 
familiarity of the new, that, we trust, on a little acquaintance, and 
making allowance for his old-fashioned prejudices, he "will become 
a very considerable favorite with our readers — if not, the worse 
for themselves — as they wiU have to endure his company. 

In the territory of criticism, "William Wizard, Esq., has under- 
taken to preside ; and though we may all dabble in it a little by 
turns, yet we have willingly ceded to him all discretionary pow- 
ers in this respect. Though Will has not had the advantage of 
an education at Oxford or Cambridge, or even at Edinburgh or 
Aberdeen, and though he is but little versed in Hebrew, yet we 
have no doubt he wUl be found fully competent to the undertak- 
ing. He has improved his taste by a long residence abroad, par- 
ticularly at Canton, Calcutta, and the gay and polished court of 
Haj^ti. He has also had an opportunity of seeing the best singing- 
girls and tragedians of China, is a great connoisseur in mandarine 
dresses, and porcelain, and particularly values himself on his inti- 
mate knowledge of the buffalo, and war dances of the northern 
Indians. He is likewise promised the assistance of a gentleman, 
lately from London, who was born and bred in that centre of sci- 
ence and bongout, the vicinity of Fleet-market, where he has been 
edified, man and boy, these six-and-twenty years, with the har- 
monious jingle of Bow-bells. His taste, therefore, has attained 
to such an exquisite pitch of refinement that there are few exhi- 
bitions of any kind which do not put him in a fever. He has 
assured Will, that if Mr. Cooper emphasises '■^ and^'' instead of 
" 6w<," or Mrs. Oldmixon pins her kerchief a hair's breadth awry — 
or Mrs. Darley offers to dare to look less than the " daughter of a 
senator of Venice" — the standard of a senator's daughter being 
exactly six feet — they shall all hear of it in good time. We have, 



12 SALMAGUNDI. 

however, advised Will Wizard to keep his friend in check, lest by 
opening the eyes of the public to the wretchedness of the actors, 
by whom they have hitherto been entertained, he might cut off 
one source of amusement from our fellow-citizens. We hereby 
give notice, that we have taken the whole corps, from the 
manager in his mantle of gorgeous copper-lace to honest John in 
his green coat and black breeches, under our wing — and woe be 
unto him who mjures a hair of their heads. As we have no de- 
sign against the patience of our fellow-citizens, we shall not dose 
them with copious draughts of theatrical criticism ; we well know 
that they have already been well physicked with them of late ; 
our theatrics shall take up but a smaU part of our paper ; nor 
shall they be altogether confined to the stage, but extend from 
time to time to those incorrigible offenders against the peace of 
society, the stage-critics, who not unfrequently create the fault 
they find, in order to yield an opening for their witticisms — cen- 
sure an actor for a gesture he never made, or an emphasis he 
never gave ; and, in their attempt to show off new readings, make 
the sweet swan of Avon cackle like a goose. If any one should 
feel himself offended by our remarks, let him attack us in return — 
we shall not wince from the combat. If his passes be successful, 
we win be the first to cry out, a hit I a hit ! and we doubt not we 
shall frequently lay ourselves open to the weapons of our assail- 
ants. But let them have a care how they run a tilting with us ; 
they have to deal with stubborn foes, who can bear a world of 
pummelling; we will be relentless in our vengeance, and will 
fight " till from our bones the flesh be hack't." 

What other subjects we shall include in the range of our 
observations, we have not determined, or rather we shall not 
trouble ourselves to detail. The public have already more informa- 
tion concerning us, than we intended to impart. We owe them 
no favors, neither do we ask any. We again advise them, for 
their own sakes, to read our papers when they come out. We 
recommend to all mothers to purchase them for their daughters, 
who will be taught the true line of propriety, and the most 
advisable method of managing their beaux. We advise all 
daughters to purchase them for the sake of their mothers, who 
shall be initiated into the arcana of the bon-ton, and cured of all 
those rusty old notions which they acquired during the last cen- 
tury : parents shall be taught how to govern their children, girls 
how to get husbands, and old maids how to do without them. 

As we do not measure our wits by the yard or the bushel, and 
as they do not flow periodically nor constantly, we shall not 
restrict our paper as to size or the time of its appearance. It will 
be published whenever we have sufficient matter to constitute a 
number, and tl e size of the number shall depend on the stock in 
hand. This wiU best suit our negligent habits, and leave us that 
full hberty and independence which is the joy and pride of our 
souls. As we have before hinted, that we do not concern 



SALMAGUNDI. 13 

ourselves about the pecuniary matters of our paper, we leave its 
price to be regulated by our publisher : only recommending him, 
for his own interest, and the honor of his authors, not to sell their 
invaluable productions too cheap. 

Is there any one who wishes to know more about us ? — let him 
read Salmagundi, and grow wise apace. Thus much we will 
ga}- — there are three of us, "Bardolph, Peto, and I," all townsmen 
good and true ; — many a time and oft have we three amused the 
town without its knowing to whom it was indebted ; and many a 
time have we seen the midnight lamp twinkle faintly on our stu- 
dious phizes, and heard the morning salutation of "past tliree 
o'clock," before we sought our pillows. The result of these mid- 
night studies is now oflered to the public ; and little as we care 
for the opinion of this exceedingly stupid world, we shall take 
care, as far as lies in our careless natures, to fulfil the promises 
made in this introduction ; — if we do not, we shall have so many 
examples to justify us, that we feel little solicitude on that 
account. 



THEATRICS— CONTAININa THE QUINTESSENCE OF 
MODERN CRITICISM. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Macbeth was performed to a very crowded house, and much 
to our satisfaction. As, however, our neighbor Town has been 
very voluminous already in his criticisms on this play, we shall 
make but few remarks. Having never seen Kemble in this cha- 
racter, we are absolutely at a loss to say whether Mr. Cooper 
performed it well or not. We think, however, there was an error 
in his costume, as the learned Linkum Fidelius is of opinion, that 
in the time of Macbeth the Scots did not wear sandals l)ut wooden 
shoes. Macbeth also was noted for wearing his jacket open, that 
he might play the Scotch fiddle more conveniently; — that being 
an hereditary accomplishment in the Glarais family. 

"We have seen this character performed in China, by the cele- 
brated OJiow-Chow, the Roscius of that great empire, who in the 
dagger scene always electrified the audience by blowing his nose 
like a trumpet. Chow-Chow, in compliance with the opinion of 
the sage Linkum Fidelius, performed Macbeth in wooden shoes ; 
this gave him an opportunity of producing great effect, for on first 
seeing the "air-drawn dagger," he always cut a prodigious high 
caper, and kicked his shoes into the pit at the heads of the critics; 
whereupon the audience were marvellously delighted, flourished 
their hands, and stroked their whiskers three times, and the mat- 



14. SALMAGUNDI. 

ter was carefully recorded in the next number of a paper called 
the flim flam. {English — town.) 

We were much pleased with Mrs. Villiers in Lady Macbeth; 
but we think she would have given a greater effect to the nighl 
scene, if, instead of holding the candle in her hand, or setting it 
down on the table, which is sagaciously censured by neighbor 
Town, she had stuck it in her niglit-cap. This would have been 
extremely picturesque, and would have marked more strongly 
the derangement of her mind, 

Mrs. Villiers, however, is not oj any means large enough for 
the character : Lady Macbeth having been, in our opinion, a wo- 
man of extraordinary size, and of the race of the giants, notwith- 
standmg what she says of her " little hand — " which being said 
in her sleep passes for nothing. "We should be happy to see this 
character in the hands of the lady who played Gluondalca, queen 
of the giants, in Tom Thumb ; she is exactly of miperial dimen- 
sions ; and, provided she is well shaved, of a most interesting 
physiognomy : as she appears likewise to be a lady of some nerve, 
I dare engage she will read a letter about witches vanishing in 
air, and such common occurrences, without being unnaturally sur- 
prised, to the annoyance of honest "Town." 

"We are happy to observe that Mr. Cooper profits by the instruc- 
tions of friend Town, and does not dip the daggers in blood so 
deep as formerly by a matter of an inch or two. This was a vio- 
lent outrage upon our immortal bard. "We differ with Mr. Town 
in his reading of the words " this is a sorry sighV^ "We are of 
opinion the force of the sentence should be thrown on the word 
sight, because Macbeth having been, shortly before, most con- 
foundedly humbugged with an aerial dagger, was in doubt whe- 
ther the daggers actually in his hands were real, or whether they 
were not mere shadows, or as tlie old English onaT/ have termed 
it, syghies ; (this, at any rate, will establish our skill in neio read- 
ings.) Though we differ in this respect from our neighbor Town, 
yet wo heartily agree with him in censuring Mr. Cooper for omit- 
ting that passage so remarkable for "beauty of imagery," &c., 
beginning with "and pity like a naked new-bom babe," &c. It 
is one of those passages of Shakspeare which should always be 
retained, for the purpose of sliowing how sometimes that great 
poet could talk like a buzzard ; or, to speak more plainly, like the 
famous mad poet Nat Lee. 

As it is the first duty of a friend to advise — and as we profess 
and do actually feel a friendship for honest " Town," we warn him, 
never in his criticisms, to meddle with a lady's "petticoats," or to 
quote Nic Bottom. In the first instance he may "catch a tartar;" 
and in tlie second, the ass's head may rise up in judgment against 
him ; and when it is once afloat there is no knowing where some 
unlucky hand may place it. "We would not, for all the money in 
our pockets, see Town flourishing his critical quill under the aus- 
pices of an ass's head, like the great Franklin in liis Monterio Cap. 



SALMAGUNDI. 15 

NEW YORK ASSEMBLY. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

The assemblies this year have gained a great accession ot 
beauty. Several brilliant stars have arisen from the east and 
from the north, to brighten the firmament of fashion ; among the 
number I have discovered another 2ylcinet, which rivals even Venus 
in lustre, and I claim equal honor with Herschel for my discovery. 
I shall take some future opportunity to describe this planet, and 
the numerous satellites which revolve around it. 

At the last assembly the company began to make some show 
about eight, but the most fashionable delayed their appearance 
until about nine — nine being the number of the muses, and there- 
fore the best possible hour for beginning to exhibit the graces. 
(This is meant for a pretty play upon words, and I assure my 
readers that I think it very tolerable.) 

Poor Will Honeycomb, whose memory I hold in special con 
sideration, even with his half century of experience, would havij 
been puzzled to point out the humors of a lady by her prevailinj^ 
colors; for the "rival queens" of fashion, Mrs. Toole and Ma- 
dame Bouchard, appeared to have exhausted their wonderful 
inventions in the different disposition, variation, and combination 
of tints and shades. The philosopher who maintained that black 
was white, and that, of course, there was no such color as white, 
might have given some color to his theory on this occasion, by 
the absence of poor forsaken white mushn. I was, however, 
much pleased to see that red maintains its ground against all 
other colors, because red is the color of Mr. Jefferson's ****** 
Tom Paine's nose, and my slippers. 

Let the grumbling smellfungi of this world, who cultivate taste 
among books, cobwebs, and spiders, rail at the extravagance of 
the age; for my part, I was delighted with the magic of the 
scene, and as the ladies tripped through the mazes of the dance, 
sparkling and glowing and dazzling, I, like the honest Chinese, 
thanked them heartily for the jewels and finery with which they , 
loaded themselves, merely for the entertainment of by-standers, ' 
and blessed my stars that I was a bachelor. 

The gentlemen were considerably numerous, and being, as 
usual, equipt in their appropriate black uniforms, constituted a 
sable regiment, which contributed not a little to the brilliant 
gaiety of the ballroom. I must confess I am indebted for this re- 
mark to our friend the cockney, Mr. 'Sbidlikensflash, or 'S bid- 
likens, as he is called for shortness. He is a fellow of infinite ver- 
bosity — stands in high favor — with himself — and, like Caleb Quo- 
tem, is "up to everything." I remember when a comfortably, 



16 SALMAGUNDI. 

plump-looking citizen led into the room a fair damsel, wiio looked 
for all the world like the personification of a rainbow ; 'Sbidlikens 
observed that it reminded him of a fable, which he had read 
somewhere, of the marriage of an honest painstaking snail ; who 
had once walked six feet in an hour for a wager, to a butterfly 
whom he used to gallant by the elbow, with the aid of much puf- 
fing and exertion. On being called upon to teU where he had 
come across the story, 'Sbidhkens absolutely refused to answer. 

It would but be repeating an old story to say, that the ladies 
of New Tork dance well ; — and well may they, since they learn 
it scientifically, and begin their lessons before they have quit their 
swaddhng clothes. The immortal Duport has usurped despotic 
sway over aU the female heads and heels in this city; — horn- 
books, primers, and pianos are neglected to attend to his posi- 
tions ; and poor Chilton, with his pots, and kettles, and chemical 
crockery, finds him a more potent enemy than the whole coUectivo 
force of the " North River Society." 'Sbidlikens insists that this 
dancing mania will inevitably continue as long as a dancing- 
master wUl charge the fashionable price of five-and-twenty dollars 
a quarter, and all the other accompHshments are so vulgar as to 
be attainable at "half the money;" — but I put no faith in 'Sbidli- 
kens' candor in this particular. Among his infinitude of endow- 
ments, he is but a poor proficient in dancing; and though he 
often flounders through a cotUlion, yet he never cut a pigeon- 
wing in his life. 

In my mind there's no position more positive and unexception- 
able than that most Frenchmen, dead or alive, are bom dancers. 
I came pounce upon this discovery at the assembly, and I imme- 
diately noted it down in my register of indisputable facts ; — the 
public shall know all about it. As I never dance cotillions, hold- 
ing them to be monstrous distorters of the human frame, and tan- 
tamount in their operations to being broken and dislocated on the 
wheel, I generally take occasion, whUe they are going on, to make 
my remarks on the company. In the course of these observations 
I was struck with the energy and eloquence of sundry limbs, 
which seemed to be flourishing about without appertaining to any 
body. After much investigation and difficulty I, at length, traced 
them to their respective owners, whom I found to be all French- 
men to a man. Art may have meddled somewhat in these affairs, 
but nature certainly did more. I have since been considerably 
employed in calculations on tliis subject ; and by the most accu- 
rate computation I have determined, that a Frenchman passes at 
least three-fifths of his time between the heavens and the earth, 
and partakes eminently of the nature of a gossamer or soap-bubble. 
One of these jack-o'-lantern heroes, in taking a figure, which 
neither Euclid nor Pythagoras himself could demonstrate, unfortu- 
nately wound himself-— I mean his feet — his better part — into a 
lady's cobweb muslin robe ; but perceiving it at the instant, he 
set himself a spinning the other way, like a top, unravelled his 



SALMAGUNDI. 17 

step, without omitting one angle or curve, and extricating himself 
without breaking a thread of the lady's dress ! he then sprung up, 
like a sturgeon, crossed liis feet four times, and finished this won- 
derful evolution by quivering his left leg, as a cat does her paw 
when she has accidentally dipped it in water. No man, "of 
woman bom," who was not a Frenchman, or a mountebank, 
could have done the like. 

Among the new faces, I remarked a blooming nymph, who has 
brought a fresh supply of roses from the country to adorn the 
wreath of beauty, where lilies too much predominate. As I wish 
well to every sweet face under heaven, I sincerely hope her roses 
may survive the frosts and dissipations of winter, and lose nothing 
by a comparison with the loveliest offerings of the spring. 'Sbid- 
likens, to whom I made similar remarks, assured me that they 
were very just, and very prettily exprest ; and that the lady m 
question was a prodigious fine piece of flesh and blood. Now, 
could I find it in my heart to baste these cockneys like their own 
roast beef — they can make no distinction between a fine woman 
and a fine horse. 

I would praise the sylph-like grace with wliich another young 
lady acquitted herself in the danoe, but that she excels in far 
more valuable accomplishments. "Who praises the rose for its 
beauty, even though it is beautiful ? 

The company retired at the customary hour to the supper-room, 
where the tables were laid out with their usual splendor and pro- 
fusion. My friend, 'Sbidlikens, with the native forethought of a 
cockney, had carefully stowed his pocket with cheese and crackers, 
that he might not be tempted again to venture his limbs in the 
crowd of hungry fair ones who throng the supper-roopi door : his 
precaution was unnecessary, for the company entered the room 
with surprising order and decorum. No gowns wore torn — no 
ladies fainted — no noses bled — nor was there any need of the 
interference of either managers or peace of&cers. 



18 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. II.— WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1807. 

FROM THE ELBOW-CHAIR OE LAUNCELOT LANG- 
STAFE, ESQ. 

• In the conduct of an epic poem, it has been the custom, from 
time immemorial, for the poet occasionally to introduce his reader 
to an intimate acquaintance with the heroes of his story, by con- 
ducting him into their tents, and giving him an opportunity of 
observing them in their night-gown and slippers. However I 
despise the servile genius that would descend to follow a pre- 
cedent, though furnished by Homer himself, and consider him as on 
a par with the cart that follows at the heels of the horse, without 
ever taking the lead, yet at the present moment my whim is 
opposed to mj opinion ; and whenever this is the case, my opinion 
generally surrenders at discretion. I am determined, therefore, to 
give the town a peep into our divan ; and I shall repeat it as often 
as I please, to show that I intend to be sociable. 

The other night Will Wizard and Evergreen called upon me, to 
pass away a few hours in social chat, and hold a kind of council of 
war. To give a zest to our evening, I uncorked a bottle of Lon- 
don particular, which has grown old with myself, and which 
never fails to excite a smile in the countenances of my old cronies, 
to whom alone it is devoted. After some little time the conver- 
sation turned on the effect produced by our first number ; every 
one had his budget of information, and I assure my readers that 
we laughed most unceremoniously at their expense ; they will 
excuse us for our merriment — 'tis a way we've got. Evergreen, 
who is equally a favorite and companion of young and old, was 
particularly satisfactory in his details ; and it was highly amusing 
to hear how different characters were tickled with different 
passages. The old folks were delighted to find there was a 
bias in our junto towards the " good old times ; " and he particu- 
larly noticed a worthy old gentleman of his acquaintance, who 
had been somewhat a beau in his day, whose eyes brightened at 
the bare mention of Kissing-bridge. It recalled to his recollection 
several of his youthful exploits, at that celebrated pass, on which 
he seemed to dwell with great pleasure and self-complacency : — • 
he hoped, he said, that the bridge might be preserved for the 
benefit of posterity, and as a monument of the gallantry of their 
grandfathers ; and even hinted at the expediency of erecting a 



SALMAGUNDI. 19 

toll-gate there, to collect the forfeits of the ladies. But the most 
flattering testimony of approbation, which our work has received, 
was from an old lady, who never laughed but once in her life, and 
that was at the conclusion of the last war. She was detected 
by friend Anthony in the very fact of laughing most obstrepe- 
rously at the description of the little dancing Frenchman. Now it 
glads my very heart to find our effusions have such a pleasing 
effect. I venerate the aged, and joy whenever it is in my power 
to scatter a few flowers in their path. 

The young people were particularly interested in the account 
of the assembly. There was some difference of opinion respecting 
the new planet, and the blooming nymph from the country ; but 
as to the compliment paid to the fascinating little sylph who 
danced so gracefully — every lady modestly took that to herself 

Evergreen mentioned also that the young ladies were extremely 
anxious to learn the true mode of managing their beaux; and 
Miss Diana Wearwell, who is as chaste as an icicle, has seen a 
few superfluous winters pass over her head, and boasts of having 
slain her thousands, wished to know how old maids were to do 
without husbands ; not that she was very curious about the mat- 
ter, she " only asked for mformation." Several ladies expressed 
their earnest desire that we would not spare those wooden gen- 
tlemen who perform the parts of mutes, or stalking horses, in their 
drawing-rooms; and their mothers were equally anxious that we 
would show no quarter to those lads of spiiit, who now and then 
cut their bottles to enliven a tea-party with the humors of the 
dinner-table. 

"VYill Wizard was not a httle chagrined at having been mistaken 
for a gentleman, "who is no more like me," said Will, "than I 
like Hercules." " I was well assured," continued Will, " that as 
our characters were drawn from nature, the originals would be 
found in every society. And so it has happened — every Mttle cir- 
cle has its 'Sbidlikens ; and the cockney, intended merely as the 
representative of liis species, has dwindled into an insignificant 
individual, who having recognised his 0's\ti likeness, has foolishly 
appropriated to himself a picture for which he never sat. Such, 
too, has been the case with Ding-dong, who has kindly under- 
taken to be my representative ; not that I care much about the 
matter, for it must be acknowledged that the animal is a good- 
natured animal enough, — and what is more, a fashionable animal 
' — and this is saying more than to call him a conjuror. But I am 
much mistaken if he can claim any affinity to the Wizard family. 
Surely, every body knows Ding-dong, the gentle Dmg-dong, who 
pervades all space, who is here and there and every where; 
no tea-party can be complete without Ding-dong, and his appear- 
ance is sure to occasion a smile. Ding-dong has been the occa- 
sion of much wit in his day ; I have even seen many puny whip- 
sters attempt to be dull at his expense, who were as much inferior 
to him as the gad-fly is to the ox tiiat he l^uzzes about. Does any 



20 SALMAGUNDI. 

witling want to distress the company with a miserable pun ? — 
nobody's name presents sooner than Ding-dong's ; and it has 
been played upon with equal skill and equal entertainment to the 
by-standers as Trinity-bellg. Ding-dong is profoundly devoted to 
the ladies, and highly entitled to their regard ; for I know no 
man who makes a better bow, or talks less to the purpose than 
Ding-dong. Ding-dong has acquired a prodigious fund of know 
ledge by reading Dilworth when a boy ; and the other day, on 
being asked who was the author of Macbeth, answered, without 
the least hesitation — Shakspeare I Ding-dong has a quotation for 
every day of the year, and every hour of the day, and every mi- 
nute of the hour ; but he often commits petty larcenies on the 
poets — plucks the gray hairs of old Chaucer's head, and claps 
them on the chin of Pope ; and filches Johnson's wig, to cover 
the bald pate of Homer ; but his blunders pass undetected by one- 
half of his hearers. Ding-dong, it is true, though he has long 
wrangled at our bar, cannot boast much of his legal knowledge, 
nor does his forensic eloquence entitle him to rank with a Cicero 
or a Demosthenes ; but bating his professional deficiencies, he is 
a man of most delectable discourse, and can hold forth for an 
hour upon the color of a riband or tht construction of a work- 
bag. Ding-dong is now in his fortieth year, or perhaps a httle 
more — rivals all the little beaux in the town, in his attention to the 
ladies, — is in a state of rapid improvement ; and there is no doubt 
but that by the time he arrives at years of discretion, he will be 
a very accomphshed agreeable young fellow." I advise all clever, 
good-for-nothing, "learned and authentic gentlemen," to take care 
how they wear this cap, however well it fits ; and to bear in 
mind, that our characters are not individuals, but species ; if, after 
this warning, any person chooses to represent Mr. Ding-dong, the 
sin is at his own door ; we wash our hands of it. 

We all sympatliized with "Wizard, that he should be mistaken 
for a person so very different ; and I hereby assure my readers, 
that William Wizard is no other person in the whole world but 
William Wizard ; so I beg I may hear no more conjectures on the 
subject. Will is, in fact, a wiseacre by inheritance. The Wizard 
family has long been celebrated for knowing more than their 
neighbors, particularly concerning their neighbors' affairs. They 
were anciently called Josselin; but Will's great-uncle, by the 
father's side, having been accidentally burnt for a witch in Con- 
necticut, in consequence of blowing up his own house in a philo- 
sophical experiment, the family, in order to perpetuate the recol- 
lection of this memorable circumstance, assumed the name and 
arms of Wizard ; and have borne them ever since. 

In the course of my customary morning's walk, I stopped in a 
book-store, which is noted for being the favorite haunt of a number 
of literati, some of whom rank high in the opinion of the world, 
and others rank equally liigh in their own. Here I found a knot 
of queer fellows listening to one of their company, who was read- 



SALMAGUNDI. 21 

ing our paper ; I particularly noticed Mr. Ichabod Fungus among 
the number. 

Fungus is one of those fidgeting, meddhng quidnuncs, with 
which this unhappy city is pestered : one of your " Q in a corner 
fellows,^' who spealvs volumes with a wink, — conveys most por- 
tentous information by laying his finger beside his nose, — and is 
always smelling a rat in the most trifling occurrence. He listened 
to our work with the most frigid gravity — every now and then 
gave a mysterious shrug — a humph — or a screw of the mouth ; 
and on being asked his opinion at the conclusion, said, he did not 
know what to think of it ; — he hoped it did not mean anything 
against the government — that no lurking treason was couched in 
all this talk. These were dangerous times — times of plot and 
conspiracy ; he did not at all hke those stars after Mr. Jefferson's 
name, they had an air of concealment. Dick Paddle, who was 
one of the group, undertook our cause. Dick is known to the 
world, as being a most knowing genius, who can see as far as 
anybody — into a millstone ; maintains, in the teeth of all argu- 
ment, that a spade is a spade ; and will labor a good half hour by 
St. Paul's clock, to estabhsh a self-evident fact. Dick assured old 
Fungus, that those stars merely stood for Mr. Jefferson's red what- 
cVye-calVems; and that so far from a conspiracy against their peace 
and prosperity, the authors, whom he knew wery well, were only 
expressing their liigh respect for them. The old man shook his 
head, shrugged his shoulders, gave a mysterious Lord Burleigh 
nod, said he hoped it might be so ; but he was by no means satis- 
fied with this attack upon the President's breeches, as " thereby 
hano;s a tale." 



MR. WILSON'S CONCERT. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

In my register of indisputable facts I have noted it conspicu- 
ously that all modern music is but the mere dregs and draining 
of the ancient, and that all the spirit and vigor of harmony has 
entirely evaporated in the lapse of ages. Oh! for the chant of the 
Naiades, and Dryades, the shell of the Tritons, and the sweet 
warblings of the Mermaids of ancient days ! where now shall we 
seek the Amphion, who built walls with a turn of his liurdy- 
gurdy, the Orpheus who made stones to whistle about his ears, 
and trees hop in a country dance, by the mere quavering of his 
fiddle-stick ! ah ! had I the power of the fornrer, how soon would 
I build up the new City Hall, and save the cash and credit of the 
Corporation ; and liow much sooner would I build myself a snug 



22 SALMAGUNDI. 

bouse in Broadway : — nor would it be the first time a house has 
been obtained there for a song. In my opinion, the Scotch bag- 
pipe is the only instrument that rivals the ancient lyre ; and I am 
surprised it should be almost the only one entirely excluded from 
our concerts. 

Talking of concerts reminds me of that given a few nights since 
by Mr. Wilson, at which I had the misfortune of being present. 
It was attended by a numerous company, and gave great satis- 
faction, if I may be allowed to judge from the frequent gapings of 
the audience ; though I will not risk my credit as a connoisseur, 
by saying whether they proceeded fi-om wonder or a violent 
inclination to doze. I was delighted to find in the mazes of the 
crowd, my particular friend Snivers, who had put on his cog- 
noscenti phiz — he being, according to his own account, a profound 
adept in the science of music. He can tell a crotchet at first 
sight ; and, like a true Englishman, is delighted with the plum- 
pudding rotundity of a semibref; and, in short, boasts of having 
incontinently climbed up Paff s musical tree, which hangs every 
day upon the poplar, from the fundamental concord, to the funda- 
mental major discord ; and so on from branch to branch, until he 
reached the very top, where he sung " Rule Britannia," clapped 
his* wings, and then — came down again. Like all true trans- 
atlantic judges, he suffers most horribly at our musical entertain- 
ments, and assures me, that what with the confounded scraping, 
and scratching, and grating of our fiddlers, he thinks the sitting 
out one of our concerts tantamount to the punishment of that 
unfortunate saint, who was frittered in two with a hand-saw. 

The concert was given in the tea-room, at the City Hotel ; an 
apartment admirably calculated, by its dingy walls, beautifully 
marbled with smoke, to show off the dresses and complexions of 
the ladies ; and by the flatness of its ceiling to repress those im- 
pertinent reverberations of the music, which, whatever others may 
foolishly assert, are, as Snivers says, "no better than repetitions 
of old stories." 

Mr. Wilson gave me infinite satisfaction by the gentility of his 
demeanor, and the roguish looks he now and then cast at the 
ladies, but we fear his excessive modesty threw him into some 
little confusion, for he absolutely forgot himself, and in the whole 
course of his entrances and exits, never once made his bow to the 
audience. On the whole, however, I think he has a fine voice, 
sings with great taste, and is a very modest good-looking little 
man ; but I beg leave to repeat the advice so often given by the 
illustrious tenants of the theatrical sky-parlor, to the gentlemen 
who are charged with the "nice conduct" of chairs and tables — 
"make a bow, Johnny — Johnny, make a bowl" 

I cannot, on this occasion, but express my surprise that certain 
amateurs should be so frequently at concerts, considering what 
agonies ihey suffer while a piece of music is playing. I defy any 
man of common humanity, and who has not the heart of a Choo- 



SALMAGUNDI. 23 

taw, to contemplate the countenance of one of these unhappy vic- 
tims of a fiddle-stick without feeling a sentiment of compassion. 
His whole visage is distorted; he rolls up his eyes, as M 'Syco- 
phant says, "like a duck in thunder," and the music seems to 
operate upon him like a fit of the cholic : his very bowels seem to 
sympathize at every twang of the catgut, as if he heard at that 
moment the wailings of the helpless animal that had been sacri- 
ficed to harmony. Nor does the hero of the orchestra seem less 
afiected : as soon as the signal is given, he seizes his fiddle-stick, 
makes a most horrible grimace, scowls fiercely upon his music- 
book, as though he would grin every crotchet and quaver out of 
countenance. I have sometimes particularly noticed a hungry 
looking Gaul, who torments a huge bass viol, and who is doubtless 
the original of the famous "Raw-head-and-bloody-bones," so potent 
in frightening naughty children. 

The person who played the French-horn was very excellent in 
his way, but Snivers could not relish his performance, having 
some time since heard a gentleman amateur in Gotham play a solo 
on his 2^rol)oscis, in a style infinitely superior; — Snout, the bel- 
lows-mender, never turned his wind instrument more musically ; 
nor did the celebrated "knight of the burning lamp," ever yield 
more exquisite entertainment with his nose ; this gentleman had 
latterly ceased to exhibit this prodigious accomplishment, having, 
it was whispered, hired out his snout to a ferryman, who had lost 
his conchshell ; — the consequence was that he did not show his 
nose in company so frequently as before. 



Sitting late the other evening in my elbow-chair, indulging in 
that kind of indolent meditation, which I consider the perfection 
of human bliss, I was roused from my reverie by the entrance of 
an old servant in the Cockloft livery, who handed me a letter, 
containing the following address from my cousin and old college 
chum, Pindar Cockloft. 

Honest Andrew, as he delivered it, informed me that his 
master, wlio resides a little way from town, on reading a small 
pamphlet in a neat yellow cover, rubbed his hands with symptoms 
of great satisfaction, called for his favorite Chinese inkstand, with 
two sprawling Mandarines for its supporters, and wrote the letter 
which he had the honor to present me. 

As I foresee my cousin v/ill one day become a great favorite 
•with the public, and as I know him to be somewhat punctilious 
as it respects etiquette, I shall take this opportunity to gratify the 
old gentleman, by giving him a proper introduction to the 
flishionable world. The Cockloft fomily, to which I have the 



24 SALMAGUNDI. 

comfort of being related, has been fruitM in old bachelors and 
humorists, as will be perceived when I come to treat more of its 
history. My cousin Pindar is one of its most conspicuous mem- 
bers — he is now in his fifty-eighth year — is a bachelor, partly 
though choice, and partly through chance, and an oddity of the 
first water. Half his life has been employed in writing odes, 
sonnets, epigrams, and elegies, which he seldom shows to any 
body but myself after they are written ; and all the old chests, 
drawers, and chair-bottoms in the house, teem with his pro- 
ductions. 

In his younger days he figured as a dashing blade in the great 
world ; and no young fellow of the town wore a longer pig-tail, or 
carried more buckram in his skirts. From sixteen to thirty he 
was continually in love, and during that period, to use his own 
words, he be-scribbled more paper than would serve the theatre 
for snow-storms a whole season. The evening of his thirtieth 
birth-day, as he sat by the fire-side, as much in love as ever was 
man in tins world, and writing the name of his mistress in the 
ashes, with an old tongs that had lost one of its legs, he was 
seized with a whim-wham that he was an old fool to be in love at 
his time of life. It was ever one of the Cockloft characteristics to 
strike to whim : and had Pindar stood out on this occasion he 
would have brought the reputation of his mother in question. 
From that time he gave up all particular attentions to the ladies ; 
and though he still loves their company, he has never been known 
to exceed the bounds of common courtesy in his intercourse with 
them. He was the life and ornament of our family circle in town, 
until the epoch of the French revolution, which sent so many 
unfortunate dancing-masters from their country to polish and 
enlighten our hemisphere. This was a sad time for Pindar, who 
had taken a genuine Cockloft prejudice against every thing French, 
ever since he was brought to death's door by a ragout: he 
groaned at Ca Ira, and the Marseilles Hymn had much the same 
eflect upon him, that sharpening a knife on a dry whetstone has 
upon some people; — it set his teeth chattering. He might in 
time have been reconciled to these rubs, had not the introduction 
of French cockades on the hats of our citizens absolutely thrown 
him into a fever. The first time he saw an instance of this kind, 
he came home with great jarecipitation, packed up his trunk, his 
old-fashioned writing-desk, and his Chinese ink-stand, and made a 
kind of growling retreat to Cockloft-Hall, where he has resided 
ever since. 

My cousin Pindar is of a mercurial disposition — a humorist 
without ill-nature — he is of the true gunpowder temper ; one 
flash, and all is over. It is true when the wind is easterly, or the 
gout gives him a gentle twinge, or he hears of any new successes 
of the French, he wiU become a little splenetic ; and heaven help 
the man, and more particularly the woman that crosses his humor 
at that moment — she is sure to receive no quarter. These are 



SALMAGUNDI. 25 

the most sublime moments of Pindar. I swear to you, dear 
ladies and gentlemen, I would not lose one of these splenetic 
bursts for the best wig in my wardrobe ; even though it were 
proved to be the identical wig worn by the sage Linkum Fidelius, 
when he demonstrated before the whole university of Leyden, 
that it was possible to make bricks without straw. I have seen 
the old gentleman blaze forth such a volcanic explosion of wit, 
ridicule, and satire, that I was almost tempted to believe him in- 
spired. But these sallies only lasted for a moment, and passed 
like summer clouds over the benevolent sunshine which ever 
warmed his heart and lighted up his countenance. 

Time, though it has dealt roughly with his person, has passed 
lightly over the graces of his mind, and left him in full possession 
of all the sensibilities of youth. His eye kindles at the relation 
of a noble and generous action, his heart melts at the story of dis- 
tress, and he is still a warm admirer of the fair. Like all old. 
bachelors, however, he looks back with a fond and lingering eye 
on the period of his boyhood ; and would sooner suffer the pangs 
of matrimony than acknowledge that the world, or any thing in 
it, is half so clever as it was in those good old times that are 
" gone by." 

I believe I have already mentioned, that with all his good qua- 
lities he is a humorist, and a humorist of the highest order. He 
has some of the most intolerable whim- whams I ever met with in 
my life, and his oddities are sufficient to eke out a hundred tole- 
rable originals. But I will not enlarge on them — enough has 
been told to excite a desire to know more ; and I am much mis- 
taken, if in the course of half a dozen of our numbers, he don't 
tickle, plague, please, and perplex the whole town, and com- 
pletely establish his claim to the laureateship he has solicited, 
and with which we hereby invest him, recommending him and 
his effusions to public reverence and respect. 

Launcelot Langstafp. 



TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

Dear Launce, 

As I find you have taken the quill, 
To put our gay town and its fair under drill, 
I offer my hopes for success to your cause. 
And send you unvarnish'd my mite of applause. 

Ah, Launce, this poor town has been woefully fash'd ; 
Has long been be-Frenchman'd, be-cockney'd, betrash'd , 
And our ladies be-devil'd bewilder'd astray. 



2G SALMAOUNDl. 

From the rules of their grandames have wander'd away. 
No longer that modest demeanor we meet, 
Which whilom the eyes of our fathers did greet ; 
No longer be-mobbled, be-ruffled, bo-quilled, 
Be-powder'd, be-hooded, be-patch'd and be-frill'd. 
No longer our fair ones their grograms display, 
And stiff in brocade, strut "like castles" away. 

Oh, how fondly my soul forms departed have traced, 
When our ladies in stays, and in boddice well laced, 
When bishop'd, and cusliion'd, and hoop'd to the chin, 
Well callash'd without, and well bolster'd witlim ; 
All cased in their buckrams, from crown down to tail, 
Like O'Brallaghan's mistress, were shaped like a pail. 

TfV'ell — peace to those fashions — the joy of our eyes — 
Tempera mutantur, new follies will rise ; 
Yet, " like joys that are past," they still crowd on the mind, 
In moments of thought, as the soul looks behind. 

Sweet days of our boyhood, gone by, my dear Launce, 
Like the shallows of night, or the forms in a trance ; 
Yet oft we retrace those bright visions again, 
Nos mutamur, 'tis true — but those visions remain. 
I recall with delight, how my bosom would creep, 
When some delicate foot from its chamber would peep ; 
And when I a neat stocking'd ankle could spy, 
By the sages of old I was rapt to the sky I 
All then was retiring, was modest, discreet ; 
The beauties, all shrouded, were left to conceit ; 
To tho visions which fancy would form in her eye, 
Of graces that snug in soft ambush would He ; 
And the heart, like the poets, in thought would pursue 
The elysium of bliss, which was veiled from its view. 

We are old-fashion'd fellows, our nieces will say : 
Old-fashioned, indeed, coz — and swear it they may — 
For I freely confess that it yields me no pride. 
To see them all blaze what their mothers would hide : 
To see them, all shivering, some cold winter's day, 
So lavish their beauties and graces display. 
And give to each fopling that offers his hand, 
Like Moses from Pisgah — a peep at the land. 

But a truce with complaining — the object in view 
Is to offer my help in the work you pursue ; 
And as your effusions and labors subhme. 
May need, now and then, a few touches of rhyme, 
I humbly solicit, as cousin and friend, 
A quiddity, quirk, or remonstrance to send : 
Or should you a laureate want in your plan, 
By the muff of my grandmother, I am your man ! 
You must know I have got a poetical mill. 
Which with odd lines, and couplets, and triplets I fill ; 



SALMAGUNDI. 2% 

And a poem 1 grind, as from rags white and blue 
The paper-mill yields you a sheet fair and new. 
I can grind down an ode, or an epic that's long, 
Into sonnet, acrostic, conundrum, or song: 
As to dull hudibrastic, so boasted of late, 
The doggrel discharge of some muddle-brain'd pate, 
I can grind it by wholesale — and give it its point. 
With billingsgate dished up in rhymes out of joint. 

I have read all the poets — and got them by heart, 
Can slit them, and twist them, and take them apart ; 
Can cook up an ode out of patches and shreds. 
To muddle my readers, and bother their heads. 
Old Homer, and Virgil, and Ovid I scan, 
Anacreon, and Sappho, who changed to a swan; — 
Iambics and sapphics I grind at my will, 
And with ditties of love every noddle can fill. 

Oh, 'twould do your heart good, Launce, to see my mill grind 
Old stuff into verses, and poems refin'd : — 
Dan Spenser, Dan Chaucer, those poets of old. 
Though covered with dust, are yet true sterling gold ; 
I can grind off their tarnish, and bring them to view, 
New modell'd, new mill'd, and improved in their hue. 

But I promise no more — only give me the place 
And I'll warrant I'll fill it with credit and grace ; 
By the living I I'll figure and cut you a dash 
— As bold as Will Wizard, or 'Sbldlikens-flash ! 

PIXDAR COCKLOFT. 



ADVERTISEMENT. 

Perhaps the most fruitful source of mortification to a merry 
writer who, for the amusement of himself and the public, employs 
his leisure in sketching odd characters from imagination, is tliat 
he cannot flourish his pen, but every Jack-pudding imagines it is 
pointed directly at liimself : — he cannot, in his gambols, throw a fool's 
cap among the crowd, but every queer fellow insists upon putting 
it on his o\nti head ; or chalk an outlandish figure, but every out- 
landish genius is eager to write his own name under it. However 
we may be mortified, that these men should each individually 
think himself of sufficient consequence to engage our attention, 
we should not care a rush about it, if they did not get into a pas- 
sion, and complain of having been ill used. 

It is not in our hearts to hurt the feelings of one single mortal, 
by holding him up to public ridicule ; and if it were, we lay it 
down as one of our indisputable facts, that no man cnn bo made 



28 SALMAGUNDI. 

ridiculous but by his own folly. As however we are aware that 
when a man by chance gets a tliwack in the crowd, he is apt to 
suppose the blow was intended exclusively for himself^ and so fall 
into unreasonable anger, we liave determined to let these crusty 
gentry know what kind of satisfaction they are to expect from us. 
We are resolved not to fight, for three special reasons; first, 
because fighting is at all events extremely troublesome and incon- 
venient, particularly at this season of the year; second, because 
if either of us should happen to bo killed, it would be a great loss 
to the public, and rob them of many a good laugh we have in 
store for their amusement ; and third, because if we should chance 
to kill our adversary, as is most likely, for we can every one of us 
split balls upon razors and snuff candles, it would be a loss to our 
publisher, by depriving him of a good customer. If any gentle- 
man casuist will give three as good reasons for fighting, we pro- 
mise him a complete set of Salmagundi for nothing. 

But though we do not fight in our own proper persons, let it 
not be supposed that we will not give ample satisfaction to all 
those who may choose to demand it — for this would be a mistake 
of the first magnitude, and lead very valiant gentlemen perliaps 
into what is called a quandary. It would be a thousand and one 
pities, that any honest man, after taking to himself the cap and 
bells which we merely offered to his acceptance, should not have 
the privilege of being cudgelled into the bargain. We pride our- 
selves upon giving satisfaction in every department of our paper; 
and to fill that of fighting, have engaged two of those strapping- 
heroes of the theatre, who figure in the retinues of our gingerbread 
kings and queens ; now hurry an old stuff petticoat on their backs, 
and strut senators of Eome, or aldermen of London ; — and now 
bo-whisker tlieir muffin faces with burnt cork, and swagger right 
valiant warriors, armed cap-a-pie, in buckram. Should therefore 
any great little man about town take offence at our good-natured 
villanj^, though we intend to offend nobody under heaven, he 
will please to apply at any hour after twelve o'clock, as our cham- 
pions will tlien be off' duty at the theatre, and ready for any thing. 
They have promised to fight " with or without balls" — to give two 
tweaks of the nose for one — to submit to be kicked, and to cudgel 
their applicant most heartily in return ; this being what we under- 
stand by " the satisfaction of a gentleman." 



SALMAGUNDI. 29 



No. m.— FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 1807. 

FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

As I delight in everything novel and eccentric, and would at 
any time give an old coat for a new idea, I am particularly atten- 
tive to the manners and conversation of strangers, and scarcely 
ever a traveller enters this city, whose appearance promises any- 
thing original, but by some means or another I form an acquaint- 
ance with him. T must confess I often suffer manifold afflictions 
from the intimacies thus contracted: my curiosity is frequently 
punished by the stupid details of a blockhead, or the shallow ver- 
bosity of a coxcomb. Now I would prefer at any time to travel 
with an ox-team through a Carolina sand-flat, rather than plod 
through a heavy unmeaning conversation with the former ; and 
as to the latter, I would sooner hold sweet converse with the 
wheel of a knifegrinder than endure his monotonous chattering. 
In fact, the strangers who flock to this most pleasant of all earthly 
cities, are generally mere birds of passage whose plumage is often 
gay enough, I own, but their notes, "heaven save the mark," are 
as unmusical as those of that classic night bird which the ancients 
humorously selected as the emblem of wisdom. Those from the 
south, it is true, entertain me with their horses, equipages, and 
puns ; and it is excessively pleasant to hear a couple of these 
four-in-liand gentlemen detail their exploits over a bottle. Tliose 
from the east, have often induced me to doubt the existence of 
the wise men of yore, who are said to have flourished in that 
quarter ; and as for those from parts beyond seas — oh ! my mas- 
ters, ye shall hear more from me anon. Heaven help this un- 
happy town ! — hath it not goslings enow of its own hatching and 
rearing, that it must be overwhelmed by such an inundation of 
ganders from other climes? I would not have any of my cour- 
teous and gentle readers suppose that I am running a muck^ full 
tilt, cut and slash, upon all foreigners indiscriminately. I have 
no national antipathies, though related to the Cockloft family. As 
to honest John Bull, I shake him heartily by the hand, assuring 
him that I love his jolly countenance, and, moreover, am lineally 
descended from him ; in proof of which I allege my invincible 
predilection for roast beef and pudding. I therefore look upon 
all his children as my kinsmen; and I beg, when I tickle a cock- 
ney, I may not be understood as trimming an Enghshman ; they 



30 SALMAGUNDI. 

being very distinct animals, as I shall clearly demonstrate in a fu- 
ture number. If any one wishes to know my opinion of the Irish 
and Scotch, he may find it in the characters of those two nations, 
drawn by the first advocate of the age. But the French, I must 
confess, are my favorites ; and I have taken more pains to argue 
my cousin Pindar out of his antipathy to them, than I ever did 
about any other thing. When, therefore, I choose to hunt a 
Monsieur for my own particular amusement, I beg it may not bo 
asserted that I intend him as a representative of his countrymen 
at large. Far from this — I love the nation, as being a nation of 
right merry fellows, possessing the true secret of being happy ; 
which is nothing more than thinking of nothing, talking about 
anything, and laughing at everything. I mean only to tune up 
those little thingimys, who represent nobody but themselves; 
who have no national trait about them but their language, and 
who hop about our town in swarms, like little toads after a 
shower. 

Among the few strangers whose acquaintance has entertained 
me, I particularly rank the magnanimous Mustapha Rub-a-dub 
Keli Khan, a most illustrious captain of a ketch, who figured, 
some time since, in our fashionable circles, at the head of a ragged 
regiment of Tripolitan prisoners. His conversation was to me a 
perpetual feast ; — I chuckled with inward pleasure at his whimsi- 
cal mistakes and unaSected observations on men and manners; 
and I rolled each odd conceit " like a sweet morsel under my 
tongue." 

Whether Mustapha was captivated by my iron-bound physiog- 
nomy, or flattered by the attentions which I paid him, I won't de- 
termine; but I so far gained his confidence, that, at his depar- 
ture, he presented me with a bundle of papers, containing, among 
other articles, several copies of letters, which he had written to 
his friends at Tripoli. The following is a translation of one of 
them. The original is in Arabic-Greek ; but by the assistance of 
"Will "Wizard, who understands all languages, not excepting that 
manufactured by Psalmanazar, I have been enabled to accomplish 
a tolerable translation. We should have found httle difficulty in 
rendering it into English, had it not been for Mustapha's con- 
founded pot-hooks and trammels. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

Thou wilt learn from this letter, most illustrious disciple of 



SALMAGUNDI. 31 

Maliomet, that I have for some time resided in New York ; the 
most pohshed, vast, and magnificent city of the United States of 
America. But wliat to me are its dehghts I I wander a captive 
thi'ough its splendid streets, I turn a heavy eye on eveiy rising 
day that beholds me banished from my country'-. The Christian 
husbands here lament most bitterly any short absence from home, 
though they leave but one wife behind to lament their departure ; 
— what then must be the feehngs of thy unhappy kinsman, whUe 
thus lingering at an immeasurable distance from three-and-twenty 
of the most lovely and obedient wives in all Tripoli 1 Oh, Allah I 
shall thy servant never again return to his native land, nor behold 
his beloved wives, who beam on his memory beautiful as the rosy 
morn of the east, and graceful as Mahomet's camel I 

Yet beautiful, oh, most puissant slave-driver, as are my wives, 
they are far exceeded by the women of this country. Even those 
who run about the streets with bare arms and necks {ei cetera) 
whose habiliments are too scanty to protect them either from the 
inclemency of the seasons, or the scrutinizing glances of the 
curious, and who it would seem belong to nobody, are lovely as 
the houris that people the elysium of true behevers. If then, such 
as run wild in the highways, and whom no one cares to appro- 
priate, are thus beauteous, what must be the charms of those who 
are shut up in the seraglios, and never permitted to go abroad ! 
surely the region of beauty, the valley of the graces, can contain 
notliing so inimitably fair ! 

But, notwithstanding the charms of these infidel women, they are 
apt to have one fault, which is extremely troublesome and incon- 
venient. Wouldst thou beheve it, Asem, I have been positively 
assured by a famous dervise, or doctor, as he is here called, that at 
least one-fifth part of them — have souls I incredible as it may 
seem to thee, I am the more inclined to beheve them in possession 
of this monstrous superfluity, from my own little experience, and 
from the information which I have derived from others. In walking 
the streets I have actually seen an exceedingly good looking wo- 
man, with soul enough to box her husband's ears to his heart's con- 
tent, and my very whiskers trembled with indignation at the abject 
state of these wretched infidels. I am told, moreover, that some 
of the women have soul enough to usurp the breeches of the men, 
but these I suppose are married and kept close ; for I have not, 
in my rambles, met with any so extravagantly accoutred : others, 
I am informed, have soul enough to swear I — yea! by the beard 
of the great Omar, who prayed three times to each of the one 
hundred and twenty-four thousand prophets of our most holy faith, 
and who never swore but once in his life — they actually swear 1 

Get thee to the mosque, good Asem I return thanks to our most 
holy prophet, that he has been thus mindful of the comfort of aU 
true Mussulmen, and has given them wives with no more souls 
than cats and dogs, and other necessary animals of the house- 
hold. 



32 SALMAGUNDI. 

Thou wilt doubtless be anxious to learn our reception in this 
country, and how we were treated by a people whom we have 
been accustomed to consider as unenlightened barbarians. 

On landing we were waited upon to our lodgings, I suppose 
according to the directions of the municipality, by a vast and 
respectable escort of boys and negroes ; who shouted and threw 
up their hats, doubtless to do honor to the magnanimous Musta- 
pha, captain of a ketch ; they were somewhat ragged and dirty in 
their equipments, but this we attributed to their republican sim- 
plicity. One of them, in the zeal of admiration, threw an old shoe, 
which gave tliy friend rather an ungentle salutation on one side 
of the head, whereat I was not a little offended, until the inter- 
preter informed us that this was the customary manner in which 
great men were honored in this country ; and that the more dis- 
tinguished they were, the more they were subjected to the attacks 
and peltings of the mob. Upon this I bowed my head three 
times, with my hands to my turban, and made a speech in Arabic- 
Greek, which gave great satisfaction, and occasioned a shower of 
old shoes, hats, and so forth, that was exceedingly refreshing to 
us all. 

Thou wilt not as yet expect that I should give thee an account 
of the laws and politics of this country. I will reserve them for 
some future letter, when I shall be more experienced in their 
complicated and seemingly contradictory nature. 

This emph'e is governed by a grand and most puissant bashaw, 
whom they dignify with the title of president. He is chosen by 
persons, who are chosen by an assembly, elected by the people — 
hence the mob is called the sovereign people — and the country, 
free ; the body pohtic doubtless resembling a vessel, which is best 
governed by its tail. The present bashaw is a very plain old gentle- 
man — something they say of a humorist, as he amuses himself with 
impaling butterflies and pickling tadpoles ; he is rather declining 
in popularity, having given great offence by wearing red breeches, 
and tying his horse to a post. The people of the United States 
have assured me that they themselves are the most enlightened 
nation under the sun ; but thou knowest that the barbarians of 
the desert, who assemble at the summer solstice, to shoot their 
arrows at that glorious luminary, in order to extinguish his bm'n- 
ing rays, make precisely the same boast; — wliich of them have 
the superior claim, I shall not attempt to decide. 

I have observed, with some degree of surprise, that the men of 
this country do not seem in haste to accommodate themselves even 
with the single wife which alone the laws permit them to marry ; 
this backwardness is probably owing to the misfortune of their 
absolutely having no female mutes among them. Thou knowest 
how invaluable are these silent companions; — what a price is 
given for them in the east, and what entertaining wives they 
make. What delightful entertainment arises from beholding the 
silent eloquence of their signs and gestures ; but a wife possessed 



aALMAGUNDI. 33 

both of a tongue and a soul — monstrous 1 monstrous ! is it asto- 
nishing that these unliappy infidels should shrink from a union 
with a woman so preposterously endowed ! 

Thou hast doubtless read in the works of Abul Faraj, the Ara- 
bian historian, the tradition which mentions that the muses were 
once upon the point of falling together by the ears about the 
admission of a tenth among their number, until she assured them, 
by signs, that she was dumb ; whereupon they received her with 
great rejoicing. I should, perhaps, inform thee that there are but 
nine Christian muses, who were formerly pagans, but have since 
been converted, and that in this country we never hear of a tenth, 
unless some crazy poet wishes to pay a hyperbohcal compliment 
to his mistress ; on wiiich occasion it goes hard but she figures as 
a tentli muse, or fourth grace, even though she should be more 
illiterate than a Hottentot, and more ungraceful than a dancing- 
bear ! Since ray arrival in this country, I have met with not less 
than a hundred of these supernumerary muses and graces — and 
may Allah preserve me from ever meeting with any more ! 

When I have studied this people more profoundly, I will write 
thee again ; in the mean time watch over my household, and do 
not beat my beloved wives unless you catch them with their noses 
out at the window. Though far distant, and a slave, let me live 
in thy heart as thou livest in mine : — think not, oh, friend of my 
soul, that the splendors of this luxurious capital, its gorgeous 
palaces, its stupendous mosques, and the beautiful females who 
run wild in herds about its streets, can obliterate thee from my 
remembrance. Thy name shall still be mentioned in the five-and- 
twenty prayers which I ofifer up daily ; and may our great pro- 
phet, after bestowing on thee all the blessings of this life, at 
length, in good old age, lead thee gently by the hand, to enjoy 
the dignity of bashaw of three tails in the blissful bowers of Eden. 

MUSTAPHA. 



FASHIONS. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

The following article is furniahed me by a young lady of unques- 
tionable taste, and ivho is the oracle of fashion and frijjjjcry. 
Being deeply initiated into all the mysteries of the toilet, she has 
promised me, from time to time, a similar detail. 

Mrs. Toole has for some time reigned unrivalled in the fashion- 
able world, and had the suprenie direction of caps, bonnets, fea- 
thers, flowers, and tinsel. She has dressed and undressed our ladies 



g4 SALMAGUNDI. 

just as she pleased ; now loading them with velvet and wadding, 
now turning them adrift upon the world to run shivering through 

the streets with scarcely a covering to their ^backs ; and now 

obliging them to drag a long train at their heels, like the tail of a 
paper kite. Her despotic sway, however, threatens to be limited. 
A dangerous rival has sprung up in the person of Madame 
UoL CHARD, an intrepid little woman, fresh from the head-quar- 
ters of fashion and folly, and who has burst like a second Bona- 
parte upon the fashionable world. Mrs. Toole, notwithstanding, 
seems determined to dispute her ground bravely for the honor of 
old England. The ladies have begtm to arrange themselves 
under the banner of one or other of these heroines of the needle, 
and every thing portends open war. Madame Bouchard marclies 
gallantly to the field, flourishing a flaming red robe for a stand- 
ard, "flouting the skies;" and Mrs. Toole, no ways dismayed, 
sallies out under cover of a forest of artificial flowers, like Mal- 
colm's host. Both parties possess great merit, and both deserve 
the victory. Mrs. Toole charges the highest, but Madame Bou- 
chard makes the lowest courtesy, Madame Bouchard is a little 
short lady — nor is there any hope of her growing larger ; 
but then she is perfectly genteel, and so is Mrs. Toole. Mrs. 
Toole lives in Broadway, and Madame Bouchard in Courtlandt 
street ; but Madame atones for the inferiority of her stand by 
making two courtesies to Mrs. Toole's one, and talking Prench 
like an angel. Mrs. Toole is the best looking, but Madame Bou- 
chard wears a most beAvitching little scrubby wig. Mrs. Toole is 
the tallest, but Madame Bouchard has the longest nose. Mrs. 
Toole is fond of roast beef, but Madame Bouchard is loyal in lier 
adherence to onions ; in short, so equally are the merits of the 
two ladies balanced, that there is no judging which will "kick 
the beam." It however seems to be the prevailing opinion that 
Madame Bouchard will carry the day, because she wears a wig, 
has a long nose, talks French, loves onions, and does not charge 
above ten times as much for a thing as it is worth. 



Under the direction of these high priestesses of the heau-numde, the 
following is the fashionable morning dress for walking. 

If the weather be very cold, a thin mushn gown or frock is 
most advisable, because it agrees with the season, being per- 
fectly cool. The neck, arms, and particularly the elbows bare, in 
order that they may he agreeably painted and mottled by Mr. 
John Frost, nose-painter-general, of the color of Castile soap. 
Shoes of kid, the thinnest that can possibly be procured — as they 
lend to promote colds, and make a lady look interesting — (i. e. 
grizzly). Picnic silk stockings, with lace clocks, flesh-colored are 
most fashionable, as they have the appearance of bare legs — nvr 



SALMAGUNDI. 35 

dity being all the rage. The stockings carelessly bespattered 
with mud, to agree with the gown, which sliould be bordered 
about three inches deep with the most fashionable colored mud 
that can be found : the ladies permitted to hold up their trains, 

after they liave swept two or three streets, in order to show 

the clocks of their stockings. The sliawl scarlet, crimson, flame, 
orange, salmon, or any other combustible or brimstone color, 
thrown over one shoulder, like an Indian blanket, with one end 
dragging on the ground. 

N. B. If the ladies have not a red shawl at hand, a red petti- 
coat turned topsy-turvy over the shoulders would do just as well. 
This is called being dressed a la drabble. 

When the ladies do not go abroad of a morning, the usual 
chimney-corner dress is a dotted, spotted, striped, or cross-barred 
gown ; a yellowish, whitish, smokish, dirty-colored shawl, and 
the hair curiously ornamented with little bits of newspapers, or 
pieces of a letter from a dear friend. This is called the " Cin- 
derella-dress." 

The recipe for a full dress is as follows : take of spider-net, 
crape, satin, gymp, cat-gut, gauze, whalebone, lace, bobbin, 
ribbons, and artificial flowers, as much as will rig out the congre- 
gation of a village church ; to these, add as many spangles, 
beads, and gew-gaws as would be sufiBcient to turn the heads of 
all the fashionable fair ones of Nootka-sound. Let Mrs. Toole or 
Madame Bouchard patch all these articles together, one upon 
another, dash them plentifully over with stars, bugles, and tinsel, 
and they will altogether form a dress, which, hung upon a lady's 
back, cannot fail of supplying tlie place of beauty, youth, and 
grace, and of reminding the spectator of that celebrated region of 
finery, called Eag Fair. 



One of the greatest sources of amusement incident to our 
humorous knight errantry, is to ramble about and hear the 
various conjectures of the town respecting our worships, whom 
every body pretends to know as weU as Falstaflf did Prince Hal, 
at Gad's-hill. We have sometimes seen a sapient, sleepy fellow, 
on being tickled with a straw, make a furious effort and fancy he 
had fiiirly caught a gnat in his grasp ; so, that many-headed mon- 
ster, the public, who witli all its heads, is, we fear, sadly off for 
brains, has, after long-hovering, come souse down, like a king- 
fisher, on the authors of Salmagundi, and caught them as cer- 
tainly as the aforesaid honest fellow caught the gnat. 

Would that we were rich enough to give every one of our nu- 
merous readers a cent, as a reward for theu- ingenuity ! not that they 



36 SALMAGUNDI. 

have really conjectured within a thousand leagues of the truth, but 
that we consider it a great stretch of ingenuity even to liave 
guessed WTong ; and that we hold ourselves much obliged to 
them for having taken the trouble to guess at all. 

One of the most tickling, dear, mischievous pleasures of this 
life is to laugh in one's sleeve — to sit snug in the corner, unno- 
ticed and unknown, and hear the wise men of Gotham, w^ho are 
profound judges of horse-flesh, pronounce, from the style of our 
work, who are the authors. This listening incog., and receiving 
a hearty praising over another man's back, is a situation so celes- 
tially w^himsical, that we have done little else than laugh in our 
sleeve ever since our first number was published. 

The town has at length allayed the titillations of curiosity, by 
fixing on two young gentlemen of literary talents — that is to say, 
they are equal to the composition of a newspaper squib, a hodge- 
podge criticism, or some such trifle, and may occasionally raise a 
smile by their eflusions; but pardon us, sweet sirs, if we mo- 
destly doubt your capability of supporting the burthen of Salma- 
gundi, or of keeping up a laugh for a whole fortnight, as we have 
done, and intend to do, until the whole town becomes a commu- 
nity of laughing philosophers like ourselves. We have no inten- 
tion, however, of undervaluing the abilities of these two young 
men, whom we verily believe, according to common acceptation, 
young men of promise. 

Were we ill-natured, we might publish something that would 
get our representatives into difficulties ; but far be it from us to 
do anything to the injury of persons to whom we are under such 
obligations. 

While they stand before us, we, like little Teucer, behind the 
sevenfold shield of Ajax, can launch unseen our sportive arrows, 
which, we trust, will never inflict a wound, unless like his, they 
fly, "heaven-directed," to some conscious-struck bosom. 

Another marvellous great source of pleasure to us, is the abuse 
our work has received from several wooden gentlemen, whose 
censures we covet more than ever w^e did anything in our lives. 
The moment we declared open war against folly and stupidit}^, 
we exj^ected to receive no quarter; and to provoke a confederacy 
of all the blockheads in town. For it is one of our indisputable 
facts, that so sure as you catch a gander by the tail, the whole 
flock, geese, goslings, one and all, have a fellow-feeling on the 
occasion, and begin to cackle and hiss like so many devils be- 
witched. As we have a profound respect for these ancient and 
respectable birds, on the score of their once saving the capitol, we 
hereby declare that we mean no offence whatever by comparing 
them to the aforesaid confederacy. We have heard, in our walks, 
such criticisms on Salmagundi, as almost induced a belief that 
folly had here, as in the east, her moments of inspired idiotism. 
Every silly royster has, as if by an instinctive sense of anticipated 
danger, joined in the cry, and condemned us without merc3\ All 



SALMAGUNDI. 57 

is thus as it should be. It would have mortified us very sensibly 
liad we been disappointed in this particular, as we should then 
have been ajDpreheusive that our shafts had fallen to the ground, 
innocent of the " blood or brains" of a single numskull. Our 
efforts have been crowned with wonderful success. All the queer 
fish, the grubs, the flats, the noddies, and the five oak and timber 
gentlemen, are pointing their empty guns at us; and we are 
threatened with a most puissant confederacy of the " pigmies and 
cranes," and other "light militia," backed by the heavy-armed 
artillery of dulness and stupidity. The veriest dreams of our 
most sanguine moments are thus realized. We have no fear of 
the censures of the wise, the good, or the fair, for they will ever 
be sacred from our attacks. We reverence the wise, love the 
good, and adore the fair ; we declare ourselves champions in their 
cause ; — in the cause of morality ; — and we throw our gauntlet to 
all the world besides. 

While we profess and feel the same indifference to public ap- 
plause as at first, we most earnestly invite the attacks and cen- 
sures of all the wooden warriors of this sensible city ; and espe- 
cially of that distinguished and learned body, heretofore cele- 
brated under the appellation of "The North River Society." The 
thrice valiant and renowned Don Quixote never made such work 
amongst the wool-clad warriors of Trapoban, or the puppets of 
the itinerant showman, as we promise to make among these fine 
fellows ; and we pledge ourselves to the public in general, and 
the Albany skippers in particular, that the North River shall not 
be set on lire this winter at least, for we shall give the authors of 
that nefarious scheme, ample employment for some time to come. 



PROCLAMATION, FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCK- 

LOFT, ESQ. 

To all the young belles who enliven our scene, 
From ripe five-and-forty, to blooming fifteen ; 
Who racket at routs, and who rattle at plays. 
Who visit, and fidget, and dance out their days ; 
Who conquer aU hearts with a shot from the eye, 
Who freeze with a frown, and who thaw with a sigh : — 
To all those bright youths who embellish the age. 
Whether young boys, or old boys, or numskull or sage : 
Whether dull dogs, who cringe at their mistress' feet. 
Who sigh and who whine, and who try to look sweet ; 
Whether tough dogs, who squat down stock still m a row 



38 SALMAGUNDI. 

And play wooden gentlemen stuck up for a show ; 

Or SAD DOGS, who glory in runnmg their rigs, 

Now dash in their sleighs, and now whirl in their gigs ; 

Who riot at Dyde's on imperial champaign, 

And then scour our city — the peace to maintain ; 

To whoe'er it concerns or may happen to meet, 
By these presents their worships I lovingly greet. 
Now KNOW YE, that I, Pindar Cockloft, esquire, 
Am laureate, appointed at special desire ; 
A censor, self-dubb'd, to admonish the fair, 
And tenderly take the town under my care. 

I'm a ci-devant beau, cousin Launcelot has said — 
A remnant of habits long vanish'd and dead : 
But still, though my heart dwells with rapture sublime. 
On the fashions and customs which reign'd in my prime, 
I yet can perceive — and still candidly praise. 
Some maxims and manners of these "latter daj's;" 
Still own that some wisdom and beauty appears. 
Though almost entomb'd in the rubbish of years. 

No fierce nor tyrannical cynic am I, 
Who frown on each foible I chance to espy ; 
Who pounce on a novelty, just like a kite, 
And tear up a victim through malice or spite ; 
Who expose to the scoffs of an ill-natured crew, 
A trembler for starting a whim that is new. 
No, no — I shall cautiously hold up my glass, 
To the sweet little blossoms who heedlessly pass ; 
My remarks not too pointed to wound or offend. 
Nor so vague as to miss their benevolent end : 
Each innocent fashion shall have its full sway ; 
New modes shall arise to astonish Broadway : 
Red hats and red shawls still illumine the town, 
And each belle, like a bon-fire, blaze up and down. 

Fair spirits, who brighten the gloom of our days. 
Who cheer this dull scene with your heavenly rays, 
No mortal can love you more firmly and true 
From the crown of the head, to the sole of your shoe. 
I'm old fasliion'd, 'tis true, — but still runs in my heart 
That aflfectionate stream, to which youth gave the start 
More calm in its current — yet potent in force ; 
Less ruffled by gales — but still steadfast in course. 
Though the lover, enraptur'd, no longer appears, — 
'Tis the guide and the guardian enlighten'd by years. 
All ripen'd, and mellow'd, and soften'd by time, 
The asperities polish'd which chafed in my prime; 
I am fully prepared for that delicate end. 
The fair one's instructor, companion and friend 
— And should I perceive you in fashion's gay dance, 
Allured by the frippery mongers of France, 



SALMAGUNDI. 39 

Expose your weak frames to a chill wintry sky 
To be nipp'd by its frosts, to be torn from the eye ; 
My soft admonitions shall fall on your ear — 
Shall whisper those parents to whom you are dear — 
Sliall warn you of hazards you heedlessly run, 
And sing of those fair ones whom frost has undone , 
Bright suns that would scarce on our horizon dawn, 
Ere shrouded from sight, they were early withdrawn ; 
Gay sylphs, who have floated in circles below. 
As pure in their souls, and as transient as snow ; 
Sweet roses, that bloom'd and decay'd to my eye. 
And of forms that have flitted and passed to the sky. 
But as to those brainless pert bloods of our town, 
Those sprigs of the ton who nin decency down ; 
"Who lounge and who lout, and who booby about, 
No knowledge within, and uo manners without ; 
Who stare at each beauty with insolent eyes ; 
Who rail at those morals their fathers would prize ; 
Who are loud at the play — and who impiously dare 
To come in their cups to the routs of the fair ; 
I shall hold up my mirror, to let them survey 
The figures they cut as they dash it away : 
Should my good-humored verse no amendment produce, 
Like scarecrows, at least, they shall still be of use ; 
I shall stitch them, in effigy, up in my rhyme, 
And hold them aloft through the progress of time, 
As figures of fun to make the folks laugh. 

Like that b ^li of an angel erected by Faff, 

" What shtops," as he says, " all de people what come ; 
"What smiles on dem all, and what peats on de trum." 



40 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. lY.— TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 1807. 
FROM ^lY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Perhaps there is no class of men to which the curious and 
literary are more indebted than travellers ; — I mean travel-mon- 
gers, who write whole volumes about themselves, their horses 
and their servants, interspersed with anecdotes of hm-keepers,^ — 
droll sayings of stage-drivers, and interesting memoirs of — the 
Lord knows who. They will give you a full account of a city, 
its manners, customs, and manufactures ; though perhaps all their 
knowledge of it was obtained by a peep from their inn- windows, 
and an interesting conversation with the landlord or the waiter. 
America has had its share of these buzzards ; and in the name of 
my countrymen I return them profound thanks for the compliments 
they have lavished upon us, and the variety of particulars con- 
cerning our own country, which we should never have discovered 
without their assistance. 

Influenced by such sentiments, I am delighted to find that the 
Cockloft family, among its other whimsical and monstrous pro- 
ductions, is about to be enriched with a genuine travel-writer. 
This is no less a personage than Mr. Jeremy Cockloft, the only 
son and darling pride of my cousin, Mr. Christopher Cockloft. 
I should have said Jeremy Cockloft, the younger^ as he so styles 
himself, by way of distinguishing him from II Signore Jeremy 
Cockloftico, a gouty old gentleman, who flourished about the 
time that Pliny the elder was smoked to death with the fire and 
brimstone of Vesuvius ; and whose travels, if he ever wrote any, 
are now lost for ever to the world. Jeremy is at present in his 
one-and-twentieth year, and a young fellow of wonderful quick 
parts, if you will trust to the word of his father who, having be- 
gotten him, should be the best judge of the matter. He is the 
oracle of the family, dictates to his sisters on every occasion, 
though they are some dozen or more years older than himself ; — 
and never did son give mother better advice than Jeremy. 

As old Cockloft was determined his son should be both a scho- 
lar and a gentleman, he took great pains with his education, which 
was completed at our university, where he became exceedingly 
expert in quizzing his teachers and playing billiards. No student 
made better squibs and crackers to blow up the chymical profos- 



SALMAGUJO)!. 41 

sor ; no one chalked more ludicrous caricatures on the walls of 
the college; and none v.'ere more adroit in shaving pigs and 
cUmbing lightning rods. He moreover learned all the letters of 
the Greek alphabet ; could demonstrate that water never " of its 
own accord " rose above the level of its source, and that air was 
certainly the principle of life ; for he had been entertained with 
the humane experiment of a cat, worried to death in an air-pump. 
He once shook down the ash-house, by an artificial earthquake ; 
and nearly blew his sister Barbara, and her cat, out of the window 
with thundering powder. He likewise boasts exceedingly of 
being thoroughly acquainted with the composition of Lacedemo- 
nian black broth; and once made a pot of it, which had well 
nigh poisoned the whole family, and actually threw the cook-maid 
into convulsions. But above all, he values himself upon his 
logic, has the old college conundrum of the cat with three tails 
at his fingers' ends, and often hampers his father with his syllo- 
gisms, to tlie great delight of the old gentleman ; who considers 
the major, minor, and conclusion, as almost equal in argument to 
the pulley, the wedge, and the lever, in mechanics. In fact, my 
cousin Cockloft was once nearly annihilated with astonishment, 
on hearing Jeremy trace the derivation of Mango from Jeremiah 
King; — as Jeremiah King, Jerry Elingl Jerking, Girkin! cu- 
cumber, Mango ! in short, had Jeremy been a student at Oxford 
or Cambridge, he would, in all probability, have been promoted 
to the dignity of a senior lor angler. By this sketch, I mean no 
disparagement to the abilities of other students of our college, 
for I have no doubt that every commencement ushers into society 
luminaries full as brilliant as Jeremy Cockloft the younger. 

Having made a very pretty speech on graduating, to a numerous 
assemblage of old folks and young ladies, who all declared that 
he was a very fine young man, and made very handsome gestures, 
Jeremy was seized with a great desire to see, or rather to be seen 
by the world ; and as his father was anxious to give him every 
possible advantage, it was determined Jeremy should visit foreign 
parts. In consequence of this resolution, he has spent a matter 
of three or four months in visiting strange places ; and in the 
course of his travels has tarried some few days at the splendid 
metropolis' of Albany and Philadelphia. 

Jeremy has travelled as every modern man of sense should do : 
that is, he judges of things by the sample next at hand ; if he has 
ever any doubt on a subject, always decides against the city 
wliere he happens to sojourn ; and invariably takes home, as the 
standard by which to direct his judgment. 

Going into his room the other day, when he happened to be 
absent, I found a manuscript volume lying on his table ; and was 
overjoyed to find it contained notes and hints for a book of travels 
which he intends publishing. He seems to have taken a late 
fashionable travel-monger for his model, and I have no doubt hia 
work will be equally instructive and amusing with that of his 



42 SALMAGUNDI. 

prototype. The following are some extracts, which may not prove 
uninteresting to my readers. 



MEMORANDUMS FOR A TOUR, TO BE ENTITLED " THE 
STRANGER IN NEW JERSEY; OR COCKNEY TRA- 
VELLING." 

BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 

CHAPTER L 

The man in the moon* — preparations for departure — ^hints to 
travellers about packing their trunksf — straps, buckles, and bed- 
cords — case of pistols, a la cockney — five trunks — three bandboxes 
— a cocked hat — and a medicine-chest, a la D-ancaise — parting 
advice of my two sisters — quere, why old maids are so particular 
in their cautions against naughty women — description of Powles- 
Hook ferry-boats — might be converted into gun-boats, and defend 
our port equally well with Albany sloops — Brom, the black ferry- 
man — Charon — river Styx — ghosts ; — major Hunt — good story — 
ferryage nine-pence; — city of Harsimus — built on the spot 
where the folk once danced on their stumps, while the devil 
fiddled ; — quere, why do the Harsimites talk Dutch ? — story of 
the tower of Babel, and confusion of tongues — get into the stage 
— driver a wag — famous fellow for running stage races — killed 
three passengers and crippled nine in the course of his practice — 
philosophical reasons why stage drivers love grog — causeway — 
ditch on each side for folk to tumble into — famous place for 
skilly-pots; Philadelphians call 'em tarapins — roast them under 
the ashes as we do potatoes — quere, may not this be the reason 
that the Philadelphians are all turtle heads ? — Hackensack bridge 
— good painting of a blue horse jumping over a mountain — won- 
der who it was painted by; — mem. to ask the Baron de Gusto 
about it on my return ; — Rattle-snake hill, so called from abound- 
ing with butterflies ; — salt marsh, surmounted here and there by a 
solitary hay-stack; — more tarapins — wonder why the Philadel- 
phians don't establish a fishery here, and get a patent for it : — 
bridge over the Passaic — rate of toll — description of toll boards — 
toll-man had but one eye — story how it is possible he may have 
lost the other — pence-table, &c.* 



* vide Carr's Stranger in Irelxmd. t vide "WelcL * vide Carr. 



SALMAGUNDI. 43 



CHAP. II. 



Newark — noted for its fine breed of fat musquitoes — sting 
through the thickest boot* — story about Gallynipers — Archer 
Giftbrd and his man Caliban — jolly fat fellows ; — a knowing tra- 
veller always judges of everything by the inn-keepers and wait- 
ers ;f set down Newark people all fat as butter — ^learned dis- 
sertation on Archer GiflFord's green coat, with philosophical reasons 
why the Newarkites wear red worsted night-caps, and turn their 
noses to the south when the wind blows — Newark academy full 
of windows — sunsliine excellent to make Httle boys grow — 
Elizabethtown — ^fine girls — vile musquitoes — plenty of oysters — 
quere, have oysters any feeling ? — good story about the fox catch- 
ing them by his tail — ergo, foxes might be of great use in the 
pearl fishery ; — landlord member of the legislature — treats every 
body who has a vote — mem. all the inn-keepers members of legis- 
lature in New Jersey ; Bridge-town vulgarly called Spank-town, 
from a story of quondam parson and his wife — real name, accord- 
ing to Liukum Fidelius, Bridge-town, from bridge, a contrivance 
to get dry shod over a river or brook ; and town, an appellation 
given in America to the accidental assemblage of a church, a 
tavern, and a blacksmith's shop — Liukum as right as my left leg; 
— Rahway-river — good place for gun-boats — wonder why Mr. 
Jefferson don't send a river fleet there, to protect the hay- vessels ? 
— Woodbridge — landlady mending her husband's breeches — sub- 
lime apostrophe to conjugal affection and the fair sex;:{: — "Wood- 
bridge famous for its crab-fishery — sentimental correspondence 
between a crab and a lobster — digression to Abelarde and Eloisa ; 
— mem. when the moon is in Pisces, she plays the devil with the 
crabs. 

CHAP. III. 

Brunswick — oldest town in the state — division line between 
two counties in the middle of the street ; — posed a lawyer with 
the case of a man standing with one foot in each county — wanted 
to know in which he was domicil — lawyer couldn't tell for the 
soul of him; — mem. all the New Jersey lawyers nums; — Miss 
Hay's boarding-school — young ladies not allowed to eat mustard 
— and why ? — fat story of a mustard-pot, with a good saying of 
Ding- Dong's ; — Vernon's tavern — fine place to sleep, if the noise 
would let you — another Caliban 1 — Vernon slew-eyed — people of 



* vide Weld. 

t iride Carr. vide Moore, vide Weld, vide Parkinson, vide Priest. 
vide Liukum Fidelius, and vide Messrs. Tag, Rag, and Bobtail. 
$ vide the Sentimental Kotzebue. 



44 SALMAGUNDI. 

Brunswick, of course, all squint : — Drake's tavern — fine old blade 
— wears square buckles in his shoes — tells bloody long stories 
about last war — people, of course, all do the same; Hook'era 
Snivy, the famous fortune-teller, born here — cotemporary with 
mother Shoulders — particulars of his history — died one day — 
lines to his memory, luhich found their way into my jJocketbook ;* — 
melancholy reflections on the death of great men — beautiful epi- 
taph on myself. 



CHAP. IV. 

Princeton — college — professors wear boots I — students famous 
for their love of a jest — set the college on fire, and burnt out the 
professors; an excellent joke, but not worth repeating — mem. 
American students very much addicted to burning down colleges 
— reminds me of a good story, nothing at all to the purpose — two 
societies in the college — good notion — encourages emulation, and 
makes little boys fight; — students famous for their eating and 
erudition — saw two at the tavern, who had just got their allow- 
ance of spending money — laid it all out in a supper — got fuddled, 
and d — d the professors for nincoms. N.B. Southern gentlemen. 
— Churchyard — apostrophe to grim death — saw a cow feeding on 
a grave — metempsychosis — wdio knows but the cow may have 
been eating up the soul of one of my ancestors — made me melan- 
choly and pensive for fifteen minutes ; — man planting cabbages* 
— wondered how he could plant them so straight — method of 
mole-catching — and all that — query, whether it would not be a 
good notion to ring their noses as we do pigs — mem. to propose 
it to the American Agricultural Society — get a premium perhaps ; 
commencement — students give a ball and supper — company from 
New York, Philadelphia, and Albany — great contest which spoke 
the best English — Albanians vociferous in their demand for stur- 
geon — Philadelphians gave the preference to racoon:}: and splac- 
uuncs — gave them a long dissertation on the phlegmatic nature of 
a goose's gizzard — students can't dance — alwaj^s set off with the 
wrong foot foremost — Duport's opinion on that subject — Sir Chris- 
topher Hatton the first man who ever turned out his toes in danc- 
ing — great favorite with Queen Bess on that account — Sir Walter 
Raleigh — good story about his smoking — his descent into New 
Spain — El Dorado — Candid — Dr. Pangloss — Miss Cunegunde — 
earthquake at Lisbon — Baron of Thundertentronck — Jesuits — 
Monks — Cardinal "Woolsey — Pope Joan — Tom Jefferson — Tom 

Paine, and Tom the whewl N.B. Students got drunk as 

usual. 



* vide Carr and Blind Bet / t 'Vide Carr. $ vide Priest. 



SALMAGUNDI. 45 



CHAP. V. 

Left Princeton — country finely diversified with sheep and hay- 
stacks* — saw a man riding alone in a wagon I why the deuce 
didn't the blockhead ride in a chair? fellow must be a fool — par- 
ticular account of the construction of wagons, carts, wheelbarrows, 
and quail-traps — saw a large flock of crows — concluded there 
must be a dead horse in the neighborhood — mem. country 
remarkable for crows — won't let the horses die in peace — anec- 
dote of a jury of crows — stopped to give the horses water — good 
looking man came up, and asked me if I had seen his wife? hea- 
vens ! thought I, how strange it is that this virtuous man should 
ask me about his wife — story of Cain and Abel — stagedriver took 
a sioig — mem. set down all the people as drunkards — old house had 
moss on the top — swallows built in the roof — better place than 
old men's beards — story about that — derivation of words Mppij, 
Icippy, kippy, and shoo-pig\ — negro driver could not write his own 
name — languishing state of literature in this country;:): — philo- 
sophical inquiry of 'Sbidlikens, why the Americans are so much 
inferior to the nobility of Cheapside and Shore-ditch, and why 
they do not eat plum-pudding on Sundays ; — superfine reflections 
about any thing. 



CHAP. VI. 

Trenton — built above the head of navigation to encourage 
commerce — capital of the state § — only wants a castle, a bay, a 
mountain, a sea, and a volcano, to bear a strong resemblance to 
the Bay of Naples — supreme court sitting — fat chief justice — used 
to get asleep on the bench after dinner — gave judgment, I sup- 
pose, like Pilate's wife, from his dreams — reminded me of justice 
Bridlegoose deciding by a throw of a die, and of the oracle of the 
holy bottle — attempted to kiss the chamlaermaid — boxed my ears 
till they rung like our theatre-bell — girl had lost one tooth — mem. 
all the American ladies prudes, and have bad teeth ; — Anacreon 
Moore's opinion on the matter. — Statehouse — fine place to see the 
sturgeons jump up — quere, whether sturgeons jump up by an 
impulse of the tail, or whether they bounce up from the bottom 
by the elasticity of their noses — Linkum Fidelius of the latter 
opinion — I too — sturgeons' nose capital for tennis-balls — learnt 
that at school — went to a ball — negro wench principal musician ! — 
N. B. People of America have no fiddlers but females ! — origin of 
the phrase, "fiddle of your heart" — reasons why men fiddle better 

* vide Carr. t tide Carr's learneil derivation of gee and wJioe. X Moore. 
S Carr. 



46 SALMAGUNDI. 

than women; — expedient of the Amazons who were expert at the 
bow; — waiter at the cit^y-tavern — good story of his — nothing to 
the purpose — never mind — till up my book hke Carr — make it 
sell. Saw a democrat get into the stage followed by his dog.* 
N. B. This town remarkable for dogs and democrats — superfine 
sentimentf — good story from Joe Miller — ode to a piggin of butter 
— pensive meditations on a mouse-hole — make a book as clear as 
a whistle ! 



* Moore. + Carr. 



SALMAGUNDI. 47 



NO. v.— SATURDAY, MARCH Y, 1807. 
from: my elbow-chair. 

The following letter of my friend Mustapha appears to hav^e 
been written some time subsequent to the one already published. 
Were I to judge from its contents, I should suppose it was sug- 
gested by the splendid review of the twenty-fifth of last Novem- 
ber, when a pair of colors was presented at the City-Hall, to the 
regiments of artillery ; and when a huge dinner was devoured by 
our corporation, in the honorable remembrance of the evacuation 
of this city. I am happy to find that the laudable spirit of mili- 
tary emulation which prevails in our city has attracted the atten- 
tion of a stranger of Mustapha's sagacity , by military emulation 
I mean that spirited rivalry in the size of a hat, the length of a 
feather, and the gingerbread finery of a sword-belt. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 
TO ABDALLAH EB'N AT RABAH, SURNAMED THE 
SNORER, MILITARY CENTINEL AT THE GATE OF 
HIS HIGHNESSES PALACE. 

Tiiou liast heard, oh Abdallah, of the great magician, Mdley 
Fuz, who could change a blooming land blessed with all the 
elysian charms of hill and dale, of glade and grove, of fruit and 
flower, into a desert, frigiitful, solitary, and forlorn; who with 
the wave of his wand could transform even the disciples of Ma- 
homet into grmning apes and chattering monkeys. Surely, 
thought I to myself this morning, the dreadful Muley has been 
exercising his infernal enchantments on these unhappy infidels. 
Listen, oh Abdallali, and wonder I Last night I committed my- 
self to tranquil slumber, encompassed with all the monotonous 
tokens of peace, and this morning I awoke enveloped in the noise, 
the bustle, the clangor, and the shouts of war. Every thing was 
changed, as if by magic. An immense army had sprung up, like 
mushrooms, in a night, and all the cobblers, tailors and tinkers 
of the city had mounted the nodding plume ; had become in the 
twinkling of an eye, helmeted heroes and war-worn veterans. 

Alarmed at the beating of drums, the braying of trumpets, and 



48 SALMAGUXDI. 

the shouting of tlie multitude, I dressed n^yself in haste, sallied 
forth, and followed a prodigious crowd of people to a place called 
the battery. This is so denominated, I am told, from having once 
been defended with formidable loooden bulwarks, which in the 
course of a hard winter were ihriftily pulled to pieces by an 
economic corporation, to be distributed for fire-wood among the 
poor ; this was done at the hint of a cunning old engineer, who 
assured them it was the only way in which their fortifications 
would ever be able to keep up a warm fire. Economy, my 
friend, is the watch-word of this nation ; I have been studying 
for a month past to divine its meaning, but truly am as much per- 
plexed as ever. It is a kind of national starvation ; an experi- 
ment how many comforts and necessaries the body politic can be 
deprived of before it perishes. It has already arrived to a lament- 
able degree of debility, and promises to share the fate of the Ara- 
bian philosopher, who proved that he could live without food, but 
unfortunately died just as he had brought his experiment to per- 
fection. 

On arriving at the battery, I found an immense army of Six 
HUNDRED MEN, drawn up in a true mussulman crescent. At first 
I supposed this was in complhnent to myself, but my interpreter 
informed me that it was done merely for want of room ; the cor- 
poration not being able to afford them sufficient to display in a 
straight line. As I expected a display of some grand evolutions 
and military manoeuvres, I determined to remain a tranquil spec- 
tator, in hopes that I might possibly collect some hints which 
might be of service to his highness. 

This great body of men I perceived was under the command 
of a smaU bashaw, in yellow and gold, with white nodding 
plumes, and most formidable whiskers ; which, contrary to the 
Tripolitan fashion, were in the neighborhood of his ears instead 
of his nose. He had two attendants called aid-de-camps (or 
tails), being similar to a bashaw with two tails. The bashaw, 
though commander in chief, seemed to have little more to do than 
myself; he was a spectator within the lines, and I without ; he 
was clear of the rabble and I was encompassed by them ; tliis 
was the only difference between us, except that he had the best 
opportunity of showing his clothes. I waited an hour or two 
with exemplary patience, expecting to see some grand military 
evolutions or a sham battle exhibited ; but no such thing took 
place ; the men stood stock still, supporting their arms, groaning 
under the flitigues of war, and now and then sending out a 
foraging party to levy contributions of beer and a favorite beve 
rage which they denominated grog. As I perceived the crowd 
very active in examining the fine, from one extreme to the other, 
and as I could see no other purpose for which these sunshine 
warriors should be exposed so long to the merciless attacks of 
wind and weather, I of course concluded that this must be the 
revievj. 



SALMAGUNDI. 49 

In about two hours the army was put in motion, and marcliod 
through some narrow streets, where the economic corporation had 
carefully provided a soft carpet of mud, to a magnificent castle of 
l^ainted brick, decorated with grand pillars of pine boards. By 
the ardor which brightened in each countenance, I soon perceived 
that this castle was to undergo a vigorous attack. As the ord- 
nance of the castle was perfectly silent, and as they had notliiiig 
but a straight street to advance through, they made their ap- 
])roaches with great courage and admirable regularity, until 
within about a hundred feet of the castle a pump opposed a for- 
midable obstacle in their way, and put the whole army to a 
nonplus. The circumstance was sudden and unlocked for : tlio 
commanding officer ran over all the military tactics with which his 
head was crammed, but none offered any expedient for tho 
present awful emergency. The pump maintained its post, and so 
did the commander ; there was no knowing which was most at 
a stand. The commanding officer ordered his men to wheel and 
take it in flank ; — the army accordingly wheeled and came full 
butt against it in the rear, exactly as they were before : — " wheel 
to the left !" cried the officer; they did so, and again as before the 
inveterate pump intercepted their progress. " Right about 
facel" cried the officer; the men obeyed, but bungled; — they 
faced back to hack. Upon this the bashaw with two tails, with 
great coolness, undauntedly ordered his men to push right for- 
ward, pell-mell, pump or no pump ; they gallantly obeyed ; after 
unheard-of acts of bravery the pump was carried, without the loss 
of a man, and the army firmly entrenched itself under the very 
walls of the castle. The bashaw had then a council of war with 
his officers ; the most vigorous measures were resolved on. An 
advance guard of musicians were ordered to attack the castlo 
without mercy. Then the whole band opened a most tremendous 
battery of drums, fifes, tambourines, and trumpets, and kept up a 
thundering assault, as if the castle, like the walls of Jericho, spo- 
ken of in the Jewish chronicles, would tumble down at the blow- 
ing of rams' horns. After some time a parley ensued. The 
grand bashaw of the city appeared on the battlements of the cas- 
tle, and as far as I could understand from circumstances dared the 
little bashaw of two tails to single combat : — this thou knowest 
was in the style of ancient chivalry: — the little bashaw dis- 
mounted with great intrepidity, and ascended the battlements of 
the castle, where the great bashaw waited to receive him, 
attended by numerous dignitaries and worthies of his court, ono 
of whom bore the splendid banners of the castle. The battle was 
carried on entirely by words, according to the universal custom 
of this country, of which I shall speak to thee more fully hereaf- 
ter. The grand bashaw made a furious attack in a speech of con- 
siderable length ; the little bashaw, by no means appalled, 
retorted with great spirit. The grand bashaw attempted to rip 
liiui up with an argimient, or stun him with a solid fact; but tl\o 

4 



50 SALMAGUNDI. 

little bashaw parried them both with admirable adroitness, and 
run him clean through and through with a syllogism. The grand 
bashaw was overthrown, the banners of the castle yielded up to 
the little bashaw, and the castle surrendered after a vigorous de- 
fence of three hours, — during which the besiegers suffered great 
extremity from muddy streets and a drizzling atmosphere. 

On returning to dinner I soon discovered that as usual I had 
been indulging in a great mistake. The matter was all clearly 
explained to me by a fellow lodger, who on ordinary occasions 
moves in the humble character of a tailor, but in the present in- 
stance figured in a high military station, denominated corporal. 
He informed me that what I had mistaken for a castle was the 
splendid palace of the municipality, and that the supposed attack 
was nothing more than the dehvery of a flag given by the autho- 
rities, to the army, for its magnanimous defence of the town for 
upwards of twenty years past, that is, ever since the last war ! 
Oh my friend, surely everything in this country is on a great 

gcale ! the conversation insensibly turned upon the military 

establishment of the nation ; and I do assure thee that my friend, 
the tailor, though being, according to a national proverb, but the 
ninth part of a man, yet acquitted himself on military concerns as 
ably as the grand bashaw of the empire himself. He observed 
that their rulers had decided tliat wars were very useless and ex- 
pensive, and ill befitting an economic, philosophic nation ; they 
had therefore made up their minds never to have any wars, and 
consequently there was no need of soldiers or military discipline. 
As, however, it was thought highly ornamental to a city to have 
a number of men drest in fine clothes and feathers, strutting about 
the streets on a holiday — and as the women and children were 
particularly fond of such raree shows, it was ordered that the tai- 
lors of the different cities throughout the empire should, forthwith, 
go to work, and cut out and manufacture soldiers as fast as their 
shears and needles would permit. 

These soldiers have no pecuniary pay ; and tlieir only recom- 
pense for the immense services which they render their country, 
in their voluntary parades, is the plunder of smiles, and winks, 
and nods which they extort from the ladies. As they have no 
opportunity, like the vagrant Arabs, of making inroads on their 
neighbors : and as it is necessary to keep up their military spirit, 
the'^town is therefore now and then, but particularly on two daj^s 
of the year, given up to their ravages. The arrangements are 
contrived with admirable address, so that every officer, from the 
bashaw down to the drum-major, the chief of the eunuchs, or mu- 
sicians, shall have his share of that invaluable booty, the admira- 
tion of the fair. As to the soldiers, poor animals, they, like the 
privates in aU great armies, have to bear the brunt of danger and 
fatigue, while their officers receive all the glory and reward. The 
narrative of a parade day will exemplify this more clearly. 

The chief bashaw, in the plenitude of his authority, orders a 



SALMAGUNDI. 51 

grand review of the whole army at two o'clock. The bashaw 
with two tails, that he may have an opportunity of vaporing 
about as greatest man on the field, orders the army to assemble 
at twelve. The kiay, or colonel, as he is called, that is com- 
mander of one hundred and twenty men, orders his regiment or 
tribe to collect one mile at least from the place of parade at eleven, 
lllach captain, or fag-rag, as we term them, commands his squad 
to meet at ten at least a half mile from the regimental parade ; 
and to close all, the chief of the eunuchs orders his infernal con- 
cert of fifes, trumpets, cymbals, and kettle-drums to assemble at 
ten ! from that moment the city receiv^es no quarter. All is noise, 
hooting, hubbub, and combustion. Every window, door, crack, and 
loophole, from the garret to the cellar, is crowded with the fasci- 
nating fair of all ages and of all complexions. The mistress smiks 
through the windows of the drawing-room ; the chubby chamber- 
maid lolls out of the attick casement, and a host of sooty wenches 
roll their white eyes and grin and chatter from the cellar door. 
Every nymph seems anxious to yield voluntarily that tribute 
which the heroes of their country demand. First struts the chief 
eunuch, or drum-major, at the head of his sable band, magnifi- 
cently arrayed in tarnished scarlet. Alexander himself could not 
have spurned the earth more superbly. A host of ragged boys 
shoat in his train, and infiate the bosom of the warrior with ten- 
fold self-complacency. After he has rattled his kettle-drums 
through the town, and swelled and swaggered like a turkey-cock 
before all the dingy Floras, and Dianas, and Junoes, and Didoes 
of his acquaintance, he repairs to his place of destination loaded 
witli a rich booty of smiles and approbation. Next comes the 
Fag-rag, or captain, at the head of his mighty band, consisting 
of one lieutenant, one ensign, or mute, four sergeants, four corpo- 
rals, one drummer, one fifer, and if he has any privates so much 
the better for liimself In marching to the regimental parade, he 
is sure to paddle through the street or lane which is honored witli 
the residence of his mistress or intended, whom he resolutely lays 
under a heavy contribution. Truly it is delectable to behold these 
heroes, as they march, cast side glances at the upper windows ; 
to collect the smiles, the nods, and the winks, which the enrap- 
tured fair ones lavish profusely on the magnanimous defenders of 
their country. 

The Fag-rags having conducted their squads to their respective 
regiments, then comes the turn of tlie colonel, a bashaw with no 
tails, for all eyes are now directed to him ; and the fag-rags, and 
the eunuchs, and the kettle-drummers, having had their hour of 
notoriety, are confounded and lost in, the military crowd. The 
colonel sets his whole regiment in motion ; and mounted on a 
mettlesome charger, frisks and fidgets, and capers, and plunges in 
front, to the great entertainment of the multitude, and the great 
hazard of himself and his neighbors. Having displayed himself, 
his trappings, his horse, and liis horsemausliip, he at length arrives 



52 SALMAGUNDI. 

at the place of general rendezvous ; blessed with the universal admi- 
ration of his country women. I should perhaps mention a squad- 
ron of hardy veterans, most of whom have seen a deal of service 
during the nineteen or twenty years of their experience, and wlio, 
most gorgeously equipped in tight green jackets and breeches, trot 
and amble, and gallop and scamper like little devils through every 
street and nook and corner and poke-hole of the city, to the great 
dread of all old people and sage matrons with young children. 
This is truly sublime 1 this is what I call making a mountain out 
of a mole-hill. Oh, my friend, on what a great scale is every- 
thing in this country. It is in the style of the wandering Arabs 
of the desert El-tih. Is a village to be attacked, or a hamlet to be 
plundered, the whole desert, for weeks beforehand, is in a buzz : 
such marching and counter-marching, ere they can concentrate 
their ragged forces I and the consequence is, that before they can 
bring their troops into action, the whole enterprise is blown. 

The army being all happily collected on the battery, though, 
perhaps, two hours after the time appointed, it is now the turn of 
the bashaw, with two tails, to distinguish himself. Ambition, my 
friend, is implanted alike in every heart, it pervades each bosom, 
from the bashaw to the drum-major. This is a sage truism, and 
I trust, therefore, it will not be disputed. The bashaw, fired with 
that thirst for glory, inseparable from the noble mind, is anxious 
to reap a full share of the laurels of the day and bear off his 
portion of female plunder. The drums beat, the fifes whistle, 
the standards wave proudly in tlie air. The signal is given I 
thunder roars the cannon 1 away goes the bashaw, and away go 
the tails ! The review finished, evolutions and military ma- 
noeuvres are generally dispensed with for three excellent reasons ; 
first, because the army knows very little about them; second, 
because, as the country has determined to remain always at peace, 
there is no necessity for them to know anytliing about ttem; 
and third, as it is growing late, the bashaw must despatch, or 
it will be too dark for him to get his quota of the plunder. He of 
course orders the whole army to march ; and now, my friend, now 
comes the tug of war, now is the city completely sacked. Open 
fly the battery-gates, forth sallies the bashaw with his two tails, 
surrounded by a shouting body-guard of boys and negroes I then 
pour forth his legions, potent as the pismires of the desert I the 
customary salutations of the country commence — those tokens of 
joy and admiration which so much annoyed me on first landing : 
the air is darkened with old hats, shoes, and dead cats; the}^ fly 
in showers like the arrows of the Parthians. The soldiers, no 
ways disheartened, like the intrepid followers of Leonidas, march 
gallantly under their shade. On they push, splash dash, mud or 
no mud. Down one lane, up another; — the martial music re- 
sounds through every street ; the fair ones throng to their windows, 
— the soldiers look every way but straight forward. "Carry 
arms!" cries the bashaw — "tan-ta ra-ra," brays the trumpet — 



SALMAGUNDI. 53 

"rub-ca-club," roars the drum — " hurra w," shout the ragamuffins. 
The bashaw smiles with exultation — every fag-rag feels himself 
a hero — "noue but the brave deserves the fair!" head of the 
immortal Amrou, on what a great scale is every thing in this 
country. 

Ay, but you'll say, is not this unfair that the officers should 
share all the sports while the privates undergo all the fatigue ? 
truly, my friend, I indulged the same idea, and pitied from my 
heart the poor fellows who had to drabble tluough the mud and 
the mire, toiling under ponderous cocked hats, which seemed as 
unwieldy, and cumbrous, as the shell which the snail lumbers 
along on his back. I soon found out, however, that they have 
their quantum of notoriety. As soon as the army is dismissed, the 
city swarms Avith little scouting parties, who fire oft' their guns at 
every corner, to the great delight of all the women and children in 
their vicinity ; and wo unto any dog, or pig, or hog, that falls in 
the way of these magnanimous warriors ; they are shown no quar- 
ter. Every gentle swain repairs to pass the evening at the feet of 
his dulcinea, to play, "the soldier tired of war's alarms," and to 
captivate her with the glare of his regimentals ; excepting some 
ambitious heroes who strut to the theatre, flame away in the front 
boxes, and hector every old apple- woman in the lobbies. 

Such, my friend, is the gigantic genius of this nation, and its 
faculty for swelling up nothings into importance. Our bashaw of 
Tripoli will review his troops of some thousands, by an early hour 
in the morning. Here a review of six hundred men is made the 
mighty work of a day ! with us a bashaw of two tails is never 
appointed to a command of less than ten thousand men ; but here 
we behold every grade, from the bashaw down to the drum-major, 
in a force of less than one-tentli of the number. By the beard of 
Mahomet but everything here is indeed on a great scale ! 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

I was not a little surprised the other morning at a request 
from Will Wizard that I would accompany him that evening to 

Mrs 's ball. The request was simple enough in itself, it was 

only singular as coming from Will; — of all my acquaintance 
Wizard is the least calculated and disposed for the society of 
ladies — not that he dislikes their company, on the contrary, 
like every man of pith and marrow, he is a professed admirer 
of the sex ; and had he been born a poet, would undoubtedly 
have bespattered and be-rliymed some hard named goddess, 
until she became as famous as Petrarch's Laura, or Waller's 



54 SALMAGUNDI, 

Sacharissa ; but "Will is such a confounded bungler at a bow, 
has so many odd bachelor habits, and finds it so troublesome 
to be gallant, that he generally prefers smoking his segar 
and telling his story among cronies of his own gender; — and 
thundering long stories they are, let me tell you; — set Will once 
a going about China or Crim Tartary, or the Hottentots, and 
heaven help the poor victim who has to endure his prolixity ; he 
might better be tied to the tail of a jack o'lantern. In one 
word — Will talks like a traveller. Being well acquainted with 
his character, I was the more alarmed at his inclination to visit a 
party; since he as often assured me, that he considered it as 
equivalent to being stuck up for three hours in a steam engine. I 
even wondered how he had received an invitation ; — this he soon 
accounted for. It seems Will, on his last arrival from Canton, 
had made a present of a case of tea, to a lady for whom he had 
once entertained a sneaking kindness when at grammar school ; 
and she in return had invited him to come and drink some of 
it; a cheap way enough of paying off little obligations. I 
readily acceded to Will's proposition, expecting much enter- 
tainment from his eccentric remarks ; and as he has been absent 
some few years, I anticipated his surprise at the splendor and 
elegance of a modern rout. 

On calling for Will in the evening, T found him full dressed, 
waiting for me. I contemplated him with absolute dismay. As he 
still retained a spark of regard for the lady who once reigned in his 
affections, he had been at unusual pains m decorating his person, 
and broke upon my sight arrayed in the true style that prevailed 
among our beaux some years ago. His hair was turned up and 
tufted at the top, frizzled out at the ears, a profusion of powder 
puffed over the whole, and a long plaited club swung gracefully 
from shoulder to shoulder, describing a pleasing semicircle of 
powder and pomatum. His claret-colored coat was decorated 
with a profusion of gilt buttons, and reached to his calves. His 
white casimere small-clothes were so tight that he seemed to have 
groT\Ti up in them ; and his ponderous legs, which are the thickest 
part of his body, were beautifully clothed in sky-blue silk stock- 
ings, once considered so becoming. But above all, he prided him- 
self upon his waistcoat of China silk, which might almost have 
served a good housewife for a short-gown ; and he boasted that 
the roses and tulips upon it were the work of Nang Fou, daughter 
of the great Chin- Chin-Fou, who had fallen in love with the graces 
of his person, and sent it to him as a parting present ; he assured 
me she was a remarkable beauty, with sweet obliquity of eyes, 
and a foot no larger than the thumb of an alderman ; — he then 
dilated most copiously on his silver-sprigged dicky, which he 
assured me was quite the rage among the dashing young man- 
darins of Canton. 

I hold it an ill-natured office to put any man out of conceit with 
himself; so, though I would willingly have made a httle alteration 



SALMAGUNDI. 55 

in my friend "Wizard's picturesque costume, yet I politely com- 
plimented him on his rakish appearance. 

On entering the room I kept a good look-out on "Will, expecting 
to see him exhibit signs of surprise ; but he is one of those know- 
ing fellows who are never surprised at any thing, or at least will 
never acknowledge it. He took his stand in the middle of the 
floor, playing wdth his great steel watch-chain ; and looking round 
on the company, the furniture, and the pictures, with the air of a 

man " who had seen d d finer things in his time ;" and to my 

utter confusion and dismay, I saw him coolly pull out his villa- 
nous old japanned tobacco-box, ornamented with a bottle, a pipe, 
and a scurvy motto, and help himseh' to a quid in face of all the 
company. 

I knew it was aU in vain to find fault with a fellow of Will's 
socratic turn, who is never to be put out of humor with himself; 
80, after he had given his box its prescriptive rap and returned it 
to his pocket, I drew him into a corner where we miglit observe 
tlie company without being prominent objects ourselves. 

"And pray who is tliat stylisli figure," said Will, " who blazes 
away in red, like a volcano, and who seems wrapped in flames 
like a fiery dragon?" — That, cried I, is Miss Laurelia Dash- 
AAVAY ; — she is the highest flasli of the ton — has much whim and 
more eccentricity, and has reduced many an unhappy gentleman 
to stupidity by her charms ; you see she holds out the red flag in 
tolven of " no quarter." " Tlien keep me safe out of the sphere of 
her attractions," cried Will, "I would not e'en come in contact 
witli her train, lest it should scorch me hke the tail of a comet. — 
But who, I beg of you, is that amiable youth who is handing 
a young lady, and at the same time contemplating his sweet 
person in a mirror as he passes?" His name, said I, is Billy 
Dimple ; — he is a universal smiler, and would travel from Dan to 
Beersheba and smile on everj^body as he passed. Dimple is a 
slave to the ladies — a hero at tea-parties, and is famous at the 
piroicet and the pigeon-wing ; a fiddle-stick is his idol, and a dance 
his elysium. "A very pretty young gentleman truly," cried 
Wizard, " he reminds me of a cotemporary beau at Hayti. You 
must know that the magnanimous Dessalines gave a great ball to 
his court one fine sultry summer's evening ; Dessy and me were 
great cronies; — hand and glove; — one of the most condescending 
great men I ever knew. Such a display of black and yellow 
beauties ! such a show of Madras handkerchiefs, red beads, cocks'- 
tails and peacocks' feathers ! — ^it was, as here, who should wear 
the highest top-knot, drag the longest tails, or exhibit the great- 
est variety of combs, colors, and gew-gaws. In the middle of 
the rout, when all was buzz, slipslop, clack, and perfume, who 
should enter but Tucky Squash ! The yellow beauties blushed 
blue, and the black ones blushed as red as they could, with plea- 
sure; and there was a universal agitation of fans; every eye 
brightened and whitened to see Tucky : for he was the prldo of 



56 SALMAGUNDI. 

the court, the pink of courtesy, the mirror of fashion, the adora- 
tion of all the sable fair ones of Hayti. Such breadth of nose, 
such exuberance of lip I his shins had tlie true cucumber curve ; — 
his face in dancing shone like a kettle ; and, provided you kept 
to windwai'd of him in summer, I do not know a sweeter youth 
in all Hayti than Tucky Squash. When he laughed, tliere 
appeared from ear to ear a chevaux-de-frize of teeth, that rivalled 
the shark's in whiteness ; he could whistle hke a north-wester ; 
play on a three-stringed fiddle like Apollo ; and as to dancing, no 
Long-Island negro could shuffle you "double-trouble," or "hoe 
corn and dig potatoes" more scientifically : — in short, he was a 
Second Lothario. And the dusky nymphs of Hayti, one and all, 
declared him a perpetual Adonis. Tucky walked about, whis- 
tling to himself, without regarding anybody ; and his Tumclicdance 
was irresistible." 

I found Will had got neck and heels into one of his travellers' 
stories ; and there is no knowing how far he would have run his 
parallel between Billy Dimple and Tucky Squash, had not the 
music struck up from an adjoining apartment, and summoned the 
company to the dance. The sound seemed to have an inspiring 
effect on honest Will, and he procured the hand of an old acquaint- 
ance for a country dance. It happened to be the fashionable one 
of "the Devil among the tailors," which is so vociferously de- 
manded at every ball and assembly : and many a torn gown, and 
many an unfortunate toe did rue the dancing of that night ; for Will 
thundered down the dance hke a coach and six, sometimes right, 
sometimes wrong ; now running over half a score of little French- 
men, and now making sad inroads into ladies' cobweb muslins 
and spangled tails. As every part of Will's body partook of the 
exertion, he shook from his capacious head such volumes of pow- 
der, that like pious Eneas on the first interview with Queen Dido, 
he might be said to have been enveloped in a cloud. Nor was 
Will's partner an insignificant figure in the scene ; she was a 
young lady of most voluminous proportions, that quivered at every 
skip ; and being braced up in the fashionable style with whale- 
bone, stay-tape, and buckram, looked like an apple pudding tied 
in the middle ; or, taking her flaming dress into consideration, like 
a bed and bolsters rolled up in a suit of red curtains. The dance 
finished, I would gladly have taken Will off", but no ; he was now 
in one of his happy moods, and there was no doing anything with 
him. He insisted on my introducing him to Miss Sophy Sparkle, 
a young lady unrivalled for playful wit and innocent vivacity, and 
who, like a brilhant, adds lustre to tlie front of fashion. I accord- 
ingly presented him to her, and began a conversation in which, I 
thought, he might take a share; but no such thing. Will took 
his stand beside her, straddling like a Colossus, with his hands in 
his pockets, and an air of the most profound attention ; nor did he 
pretend to open his lips for some time, until, upon some lively 
sally of hers, he electrified the whole company with a most in- 



SALMAGUNDI. 57 

tolerable burst of laughter. What was to be done with such an 
iu(!orrigibIe fellow ? — to add to my distress, the first word he spoke 
was to tell Miss Sparkle that something she said reminded him of 
a circumstance that happened to liim in China ; and at it he went 
in the true traveller style— described the Chinese mode of eating 
rice with chop-sticks ; entered into a long eulogium on the succu- 
lent qualities of boiled bii'ds' nests; and I made my escape at the 
very moment when he was on the point of squatting down on the 
floor, to show how the httle Chinese Joshes sit cross-legged. 



TO THE LADIES. 

PROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

Though jogging down the hill of life, 
Without the comfort of a ^vife ; 
And though I ne'er a helpmate chose, 
To stock my house and mend my hose ; 
With care my person to adorn, 
And spruce me up on Sunday morn ; 
Still do I love the gentle sex, 
And still with cares my brain perplex 
To keep the fair ones of the age 
Unsullied as the spotless page ; 
All pure, all simple, all refined. 
The swQetest solace of mankind. 

I hate the loose insidious jest 
To beauty's modest ear addrest, 
And hold that frowns should never fail 
To check each smooth, but fulsome tale ; 
But he whose impious pen should dare 
Invade the morals of the fair ; 
To taint that purity divine 
Which should each female heart enshrine ; 
Though soft his vicious strains should swell, 
As those which erst from Grabriel fell, 
Should yet be held aloft to shame. 
And foul dishonor shade his name. 
Judge then, my friends, of my surprise, 
The ire that kindled in my eyes, 
When I relate, that t'other day 
I went a morning call to pay. 
On two young nieces ; just come down 
To take the polish of the town : 



58 SALMAGUNDI. 

By which I mean no more or less 
Than a la Prancaise to undress ; 
To whirl the modest waltz' rounds, 
Taught by Duport for snug ten pounds. 
To thump and thunder through a song, 
Play fortes soft and dolce^s strong : 
Exhibit loud piano feats, 
Caught from that crotchet-hero, Meetz ; 
To drive the rose-bloom from the face, 
And fix the lily in its place ; 
To doff the white, and in its stead 
To bounce about in brazen red. 

While in the parlor I delay'd 
Till they their persons had array 'd, 
A dapper volume caught my eye. 
That on the window chanced to lie : 
A book's a friend — I always choose 
To turn its pages and peruse ; 
It proved those poems known to fame 
For praising every cyprian dame ; 
The bantlings of a dapper youth, 
Renown'd for gratitude and truth ; 
A little pest, bight Tommy Moore, 
Who hopp'd and skipp'd our country o'er ; 
Who sipp'd our tea and lived on sops, 
Revell'd on syllabubs and slops. 
And when his brain, of cobweb fine, 
Was fuddled with five drops of wine, 
Would all his puny loves rehearse, 
And many a maid debauch — in verse. 
Surprised to meet in open view, 
A book of such lascivious hue, 
I chid my nieces — but they say, 
'Tis all the passion of the day ; 
That many a fashionable belle 
Will with enraptured accents dwell 
On the sweet morceau she has found 
In this delicious, curst, compound! 

Soft do the tinkling numbers roU, 
And lure to vice the unthinking soul ; 
They tempt by softest sounds away, 
They lead entranced the heart astray ; 
And Satan's doctrine sweetly sing. 
As with a seraph's heavenly string. 
Such sounds, so good, old Homer sung, 
Once warbled from the Syren's tongue ; 
Sweet melting tones were heard to pour 
Along Ausonia's sun-gilt shore ; 
Seductive strains in pether float, 



SALMAGUNDI. 59 

And every wild deceitful note 
That could the yielding heart assail, 
Were wafted on the breathing gale ; 
And every gentle accent bland 
To tempt Ulysses to their strand. 

And can it be this book so base, 
Is laid on every window case ? 
Oh I fair ones, if you will profane 
Those breasts where heaven itself should reign ; 
And throw those pure recesses wide, 
"Where peace and virtue should reside, 
To let the holy pile admit 
A guest unhallowed and unfit ; 
Pray, like the frail ones of the night, 
Who hide their wanderings from the light. 
So let your errors secret be, 
And hide, at least, your fault from me ; 
Seek some by-corner to explore 
The smooth polluted pages o'er: 
There drink the insidious poLson in, 
There slily nurse your souls for sin : 
And whUe that purity you bliglit 
Which stamps you messengers of light, 
And sap those mounds the gods bestow, 
To keep you spotless here below ; 
Still in compassion to our race, 
Who joy, not only in the face. 

But in that more exalted part, ♦ 

The sacred temple of the heart ; 
Oh ! hide for ever from our view. 
The fatal mischief you pursue : 
Let MEN your praises still exalt, 
And none but angels mourn your fault. 



60 SALMAGUNDI. 



NO. VI.— FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 1807. 

FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

The Cockloft family, of which I have made such frequent 
mention, is of great antiquity, if there be any truth in the genea- 
logical tree which hangs up in my cousin's library. They trace 
their descent from a celebrated Roman knight, cousin to the pro- 
genitor of his majesty of Britain, who left his native country on 
occasion of some disgust ; and coming into Wales became a great 
favorite of prince Madoc, and accompanied that famous argonaut 
in the voyage which ended in the discovery of this continent. 
Though a member of the family, I have sometimes ventured to 
doubt the authenticity of this portion of their annals, to the great 
vexation of cousin Christopher : who is looked up to as the head 
of our house : and who, though as orthodox as a bishop, would 
sooner give up the whole decalogue than lop off a single limb of 
the family tree. From time immemorial, it has been the rule for 
the Cocklofts to marry one of their own name ; and, as they al- 
ways bred like rabbits, the family has increased and multiplied 
like that of Adam and Eve. In truth, their number is almost 
incredible ; and you can hardly go into any part of the country 
without starting a warJfen of genuine Cocklofts. Every person 
of the least observation or experience, must have observed that 
where this practice of marrjdng cousins, and second cousins, 
prevails in a family, every member, in the course of a few gene 
rations, becomes queer, humorous, and original ; as much distin 
guislied from the common race of mongrels as if he was of a dif- 
ferent species. This has happened in our family, and particularly 
in that branch of it of which Mr. Christopher Cockloft, or, to do him 
justice, Mr. Christopher Cockloft, Esq., is the head. Christopher 
is, in fact, the only married man of the name who resides in town ; 
his family is small, having lost most of his children, when young, 
by the excessive care he took to bring them up like vegetables. 
This was one of his tirst whim-whams, and a confounded one it 
was ; as his children might have told, had they not fallen victims 
to this experiment before they could talk. He had got from some 
quack philosopher or other, a notion that there was a complete 
analogy between children and plants, and that they ought to be 
both reared alike. Accordingly he sprinkled tliem every morning 
^^'ith water j laid them out in the sun, as he did his geraniums; 



SALMAGUNDI. 61 

and, if the season was remarkably dry, repeated tins wise ex- 
periment three or four times of a morning. The consequence 
was, that the poor httle souls died one after the other, except 
Jeremy and his two sisters ; who, to be sure, are a trio of as odd, 
runty, mummy-looking originals as ever Hogarth fancied in his 
most happy moments. Mrs. Cockloft, the larger if not the better 
half of my cousin, often remonstrated against this vegetable theo- 
ry ; and even brought the parson of the parish, in which my 
cousin's country house is situated, to her aid ; but in vain : Christo- 
pher persisted, and attributed the failure of his plan to its not 
having been exactly conformed to. As I have mentioned Mrs. 
Cockloft, I may as well say a little more about her while I am in the 
humor. She is a lady of wonderful notability, a warm admirer of 
shining mahogany, clean hearths, and her husband ; who she con- 
siders the wisest man in the world, bating Will Wizard and the par- 
son of our parish ; the last of whom is her oracle on all occasions. 
She goes constantly to church every Sunday and Saint's-day ; and 
insists upon it that no man is entitled to ascend a pulpit unless he 
has been ordained by a bishop ; nay, so far does she carry her 
orthodoxy, that all the argument in the world will never per- 
suade her that a presbyterian or baptist, or even a calvinist, has 
any possible chance of going to heaven. Above every thing else, 
however, she abhors paganism ; can scarcely refrain from laying 
violent hands on a pantheon when she meets with it ; and was 
very nigh going into hysterics, when my cousin insisted one of 
his boys should be christened after our laureate, because the par- 
son of the parish had told her that Pindar was the name of a 
pagan writer ; famous for his love of boxing matches, wresthng, 
and horse-racing. To sum up all her qualifications in the shortest 
possible way, Mrs. Cockloft is, in the true sense of the phrase, a 
good sort of woman;' and I often congratulate my cousin on 
possessing her. The rest of the family consists of Jeremy Cock- 
loft, the younger, who has already been mentioned, and the two 
Miss Cocklofts, or rather the young ladies, as they have been 
called by the servants time out of mind ; not that they are really 
young, the younger being somewhat on the shady side of thirty, 
but it has ever been the custom to call every member of the 
family young under fifty. In the southeast corner of the house, 
I hold quiet possession of an old-fashioned apartment, where my- 
self and my elbow-chair are suffered to amuse ourselves undis- 
turbed, save at meal times. This apartment old Cockloft has 
facetiously denominated cousin Launce's paradise ; and the good 
old gentleman has two or three favorite jokes about it, which are 
served up as regularly as the standing family dish of beef-steaks 
and onions, which every day maintains its station at the foot of 
the table, in defiance of mutton, poultry, or even venison itself. 

Though the family is apparently small, yet like most old esta- 
blishments of the kind it does not want for honorary members. 
Tt is the city rendezvous ofthe Cocklofts ; and we are eontinuallv 



G2 SALMAGUNDI. 

enlivened by the company of half a score of uncles, aunts, and 
cousins, in the fortieth remove, from all parts of the country, who 
profess a wonderful regard for cousin Christopher; and over- 
whelm every member of his household, down to the cook in the 
kitchen, with their attentions. We have for three weeks past 
been greeted with the company of two worthy old spinsters, who 
came down from the country to settle a law-suit. They have 
done little else but retail stories of their village neighbors, knit 
stockings and take snuff, all the time they have been here ; the 
whole family are bewildered with church-yard tales of sheeted 
ghosts, white horses without heads, and with large goggle eyes 
in their buttocks ; and not one of the old servants dare budge an 
inch after dark without a numerous company at his heels. My 
cousin's visitors, however, always return his hospitality with due 
gratitude, and now and then remind him of their fraternal regard, 
by a present of a pot of apple sweetmeats, or a barrel of sour 
cid.^r at Christmas. Jeremy displays himself to great advantage 
among his country relations, who all think him a prodigy ; and 
often stand astounded, in " gaping wonderment," at his natural 
philosophy. He lately frightened a simple old uncle almost out 
of his wits, by giving it as his opinion that the earth would one 
day be scorched to ashes by the eccentric gambols of the famous 
comet, so much talked of; and positively asserted that this world 
revolved round the sun, and that the moon was certainly 
inhabited. 

The family mansion bears equal marks of antiquity with its 
inhabitants. As the Cocklofts are remarkable for their attachment 
to every thing that has remained long in the family, they are 
bigoted towards their old edifice, and I dare say would sooner 
have it crumble about their ears than abandon it. The conse- 
quence is, it has been so patched up and repaired, that it has 
become as full of whims and oddities as its tenants ; requires to 
be nursed and humored like a gouty old codger of an alderman; 
and reminds one of the famous ship in which a certain admiral 
circumnavigated the globe, which was so patched and timbered, 
in order to preserve so great a curiosity, that at length not a 
particle of the original remained. Whenever the wind blows, the 
old mansion makes a most perilous groaning; and every storm is 
sure to make a day's work for the carpenter, who attends upon it 
as regularly as the family physician. This predilection for every 
thing that has been long in the family shows itself in every par- 
ticular. The domestics are all grown gray in the service of our 
house. We have a little, old, crusty, gray-headed negro, who 
has lived through two or three generations of the Cocklofts ; and 
of course has become a personage of no little importance in the 
household. He calls all the family by their christian names ; 
tells long stories about how he dandled them on his knee when 
they were children ; and is a complete Cockloft chronicle for the 
hist seventy years. The family carriage was made in the last 



SALMAGUNDI. 63 

French war, and the old horses were most indubitably foaled in 
Noah's ark ; resembling marvellously in gravity of demeanor, 
those sober animals wliich may be seen any day of the year in 
the streets of Philadelphia, walking their snail's pace, a dozen in 
a row, and harmoniously jingling their bells. Whim-whams are 
the inheritance of the Cocklofts, and every member of the house- 
hold is a humorist sui generis, from the master down to the foot- 
man. The very cats and dogs are humorists ; and we have a 
little runty scoundrel of a cur, who, whenever the church bells 
ring, will run to the street door, turn up his nose in the wind, 
and howl most piteously. Jeremy insists that this is owing to a 
pecuhar dehcacy in the organization of his ears, and supports his 
position by many learned arguments which nobody can under- 
stand ; but I am of opinion that it is a mere Cockloft wliim-whara, 
which the little cur indulges, being descended from a race of dogs 
which has flourished in the family ever since the time of my 
grandfather. A propensity to save every thing that bears the 
stamp of family antiquity, has accumulated an abundance of 
trumpery and rubbish with which the house is incumbered from 
the cellar to the garret; and every room, and closet, and corner, 
is crammed with three legged chairs, clocks without hands, 
swords without scabbards, cocked hats, broken candlesticks, and 
looking-glasses, with frames carved into fantastic shapes of 
feathered sheep, woolly birds, and other animals that have no 
name except in books of heraldry. The ponderous mahogany 
chairs in the parlors are of such unwieldy proportions that it is 
qaite a serious undertaking to gallant one of them across the 
room ; and sometimes make a most equivocal noise when you sit 
down in a hurrj^; the mantelpiece is decorated with little 
lacquered earthen shepherdesses; same of which are without 
toes, and others without noses; and the fire-place is garnished 
out with Dutch tiles, exhibiting a great variety of scripture 
pieces, which my good old soul of a cousin takes infinite delight 
in explaining. — Poor Jeremy hates them as he does poison ; for 
while a younker, he was obliged by his mother to learn the history 
of a tile every Sunday morning before she would permit him to 
join his play-mates ; this was a terrible affair for Jeremy, who, 
by the time he had learned the last, had forgotten the first, and 
was obliged to begin again. He assured me the other day, with 
a round college oath, that if the old house stood out till he 
inherited it, he would have these tiles taken out, and ground into 
powder, for the perfect hatred he bore them. 

My cousin Christopher enjoys unlimited authority in the 
mansion of his forefathers; he is truly what may be termed a 
hearty old blade ; has a florid, sunshine countenance ; and if joxx 
will only praise his wine, and laugh at his long stories, himself 
and his house are heartily at your service. — The first condition 
is indeed easily comphed with, for, to tell the truth, his wine 
is excellent; but his stories, being not of the best, and often 



64 SALMAGUNDL 

repeated, are apt to create a disposition to yawn; being, in 
addition to tlieir otlier qualities, most unreasonably long. His 
prolixity is the more afflicting to me, since I have all his stories 
by heart ; and when he enters upon one, it reminds me of Newark 
causeway, where the traveller sees the end at the distance of 
several miles. To the great misfortune of all his acquaintance, 
cousin Cockloft is blest with a most provoking retentive memory; 
and can give day and date, and name and age and circumstance, 
with the most unfeeling precision. These, however, are but 
trivial foibles, forgotten, or remembered, only with a kind of 
tender respectiful pity, by those who know with what a rich 
redundant harvest of kindness and generosity his heart is stored. 
It would delight you to see with what social gladness he 
welcomes a visitor into his house ; and the poorest man that enters 
his door, never leaves it without a cordial invitation to sit down, 
and drink a glass of wine. By the honest farmers round his 
country-seat, he is looked up to with love and reverence ; they 
never pass him by, without his inquiring after the welfare of their 
families, and receiving a cordial shake of his liberal hand. There 
are but two classes of people who are thrown out of the reach of 
his hospitality, and these are Frenchmen and democrats. The 
old gentleman considers it treason against the majesty of good 
breeding, to speak to any visitor with his hat on ; but, the 
moment a democrat enters his door, he forthwith bids his man 
Pompey bring his hat, puts it on his head, and salutes him with an 
appalUng " well, sir, what do you want with me ?" 

He has a profound contempt for Frenchmen, and firmly 
believes, that they eat nothing but frogs and soup-maigre in their 
own country. This unlucky prejudice is partly owing to my 
great aunt Pamela, having been many years ago run away with 
by a French count, who turned out to be the son of a generation 
of barbers ; — and partly to a little vivid spark of toryism, which 
burns in a secret corner of his heart. He was a loyal subject of 
the crown, has hardly yet recovered the shock of independence ; 
and, though he does not care to own it, always does honor to his 
majesty's birth-day, by inviting a few cavaliers, like himself, 
to dinner ; and gracing his table with more than ordinary festivity. 
If by chance the revolution is mentioned before him, my cousin 
shakes his head; and you may see, if you take good note, a 
lurking smile of contempt in the corner of his eye, which marks a 
decided disapprobation of the sound. He once, in the fulness of 
his heart, observed to me that green peas were a month later 
than they were under the old government. But the most 
eccentric manifestation of loyalty he ever gave, was making a 
voyage to Halifax for no other reason under heaven, but to hear 
his Majesty prayed for in church, as he used to be here formerly. 
This he never could be brought fairly to acknowledge ; but it is a 
certain fact, I assure you. It is not a little singular that a person, 
so much given to long story-telling as ray cousin, should take 



SALMAGUNDI. 65 

a liking to another of the same character ; but so it is with the 
old gentleman : — his prime favorite and companion is Will Wizard, 
who is almost a member of the family ; and will sit before the 
fire, with his feet on the massy andirons, and smoke his segar, 
and screw his phiz, and spin away tremendous long stories of his 
travels, for a whole evening, to the great delight of the old 
gentleman and lady; and especially of the young ladies, who, 
like Desdemona, do "seriously incline," and listen to him with 
innumerable "Q dears," "is it possibles," "goody graciouses," 
and look upon him as a second Sinbad the sailor. 

The Miss Cocklofts, whose pardon I crave for not having parti- 
cularly introduced them before, are a pair of delectable damsels ; 
who, having purloined and locked up the family-bible, pass for 
just what age they please to plead guilty to. Barbara, the 
eldest, has long since resigned the character of a belle, and 
adopted that staid, sober, demure, snuflf-taking air becoming her 
years and discretion. She is a good-natured soul, whom I never 
saw in a passion but once ; and that was occasioned by seeing an 
old favorite beau of hers kiss the hand of a pretty blooming girl ; 
and, in truth, she only got angry because, as she very properly 
said; it was spoiling the child. Her sister Margery, or Maggie. 
as she is familiarlj- termed, seemed disposed to maintain her post 
as a belle, until a few months since ; when accidentally hearing a 
gentleman observe that she broke very fast, she suddenly left off 
going to the assembly, took a cat into high favor, and began to 
rail at the forward pertness of young misses. From that moment 
I set her down for an old maid ; and so she is, " by the hand of 
my body." The young ladies are still visited by some half dozen 
of veteran beaux, who grew and flourished in the limit ion, when 
the Miss Cocklofts were quite children ; but have been brushed 
rather rudely by the hand of time, who, to say the truth, can do 
almost any thing but make people young. They are, notwith- 
standing, still warm candidates for female favor ; look venerably 
tender, and repeat over and over the same honeyed speeches and 
sugared sentiments to the little belles that they poured so pro- 
fusely into the ears of their mothers. I beg leave here to give 
notice, that by this sketch I mean no reflection on old bachelors ; 
on the contrary, I hold that next to a fine lady, the ne plus ultra, 
an old bachelor to be the most charming being upon earth ; in as 
much as by living in "single blessedness," he of course does just 
as he pleases ; and if he has any genius, must acquire a plentiful 
stock of whims, and oddities, and whalebone habits; without 
which I esteem a man to be mere beef without mustard : good 
for nothing at all but to run on errands for ladies, take boxes at 
the theatre, and act the part of a screen at tea-parties, or a walk- 
ing-stick in the streets. I merely speak of these old boys who 
infest public walks, pounce upon ladies from every corner of the 
street, and worry, and frisk, and amble, and caper before, behind, 
and round about the fashionable belles, like old ponies in a pas- 

r> 



66 SALMAGUNDI. 

ture, striving to supply the absence of youthful whim and hilarity, 
by grimaces and grins, and artificial vivacity. I have sometimes 
seen one of these " reverend youths" endeavoring to elevate his 
wintry passions into something like love, by basking in the sun- 
shine of beauty ; and it did remind me of an old moth attempting 
to Hy througl» a pane of glass towards a light, without ever ap- 
proaching near enough to warm itself, or scorch its wings. 

Never, I firmly believe, did there exist a family that went more 
by tangents than the Cocklofts. Every thing is governed by whim ; 
and if one member starts a new freak, away all the rest follow on 
like wild geese in a string. As the family, the servants, the horses, 
cats and dogs, have all growm old together, they have accommodat- 
ed themselves to each other's habits completely ; and tliough every 
body of them is full of odd points, angles, rhomboids, and ins and 
outs, yet, somehow or other, they harmonize together like so many 
straight lines ; and it is truly a grateful and refreshing sight to 
see tiiera agree so well. Should one, however, get out of tune, it 
is like a cracked fiddle, the whole concern is ajar ; you perceive a 
cloud over every brow in the house, and even the old chairs seem 
to creak affetuoso. If my cousin, as he is rather apt to do, betray 
any symptoms of vexation or uneasiness, no matter about what, he 
is worried to death with inquiries, which answer no other end but 
to demonstrate the good will of the inquirer, and put him in a 
passion ; for everybody body knows how provoking it is to be cut 
short in a fit of the blues, by an impertinent question about "what 
is the matter ?" when a man can't tell himself I remember a few 
months ago the old gentleman came home in quite a squall ; kicked 
poor CjBsar, the mastitf, out of his way, as he came through the 
hall ; threw his hat on the table with most violent emphasis, and 
puUing out his box, took three huge pinches of snuff, and threw a 
fourth into the cat's eyes as he sat purring his astonishment at the 
fire-side. This was enough to set the body politic going; Mrs. 
Cockloft began "my dearing" it as fast as tongue could move; 
the young ladies took each a stand at an elbow of his chair ; — 
Jeremy marshalled in the rear ; — the servants came tumbling in ; 
the mastiff put up an inquiring nose ; — and even grimalkin, after 
he had cleaned his whiskers and finished sneezing, discovered in- 
dubitable signs of sympathy. After the most affectionate inquiries 
on all sides, it turned out that my cousin, in crossing the street, 
had got his silk stockings bespattered with mud by a coach, which 
it seems belonged to a dashing gentleman who had formerly sup- 
plied the family with hot rolls and muffins I Mrs. Cockloft there- 
upon turned up her eyes, and the young ladies their noses ; and it 
would have edified a whole congregation to hear the conversation 
which took place concerning the insolence of upstarts, and the 
vulgarity of would-be gentlemen and ladies, who strive to emerge 
from low life by dashing about in carriages to pay a visit two doors 
off"; giving parties to people who laugh at them, and cutting all 
their old friends. 



gALMAGTJNDt Bt 

THEATRICS. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

I WENT a few evenings since to the theatre accompanied by 
my friend Snivers, the cockney, who is a man deeply read in the 
history of Cinderella, Valentine and Orson, Blue Beard, and all 
those recondite works so necessary to enable a man to understand 
the modern drama. Snivers is one of those intolerable fellows 
who will never be pleased with any thing untU he has turned and 
twisted it divers ways, to see if it corresponds with his notions of 
congruity ; and as he is none of the quickest in his ratiocinations 
he will sometimes come out with his approbation, when every 
body else has forgotten the cause which excited it. Snivers is, 
moreover, a great critic, for he finds fault with everything ; this 
being what I understand by modern criticism. He, however, is 
pleased to acknowledge that our theatre is not so despicable, all 
things considered ; and really thinks Cooper one of our best ac- 
tors. The play was Othello, and to speak my mind freely, I think 
I have seen it performed much worse in my time. The actors, I 
firmly believe, did their best ; and whenever this is the case no 
man has a right to find fault with them in my opinion. Little 
Rutherford, the Roscius of the Philadelphia theatre, looked aa 
big as possible; and what he wanted in size he made up in 
frowning. I like frowning in tragedy : and if a man but keeps 
his forehead in proper wrinkle, talks big, and takes long strides 
on the stage, I always set him down as a great tragedian ; and so 
does my friend Snivers. 

Before the first act was over, Snivers began to flourish his cri- 
tical wooden sword like a harlequin. He first found fault with 
Cooper for not having made himself as black as a negro, "for," 
said he, " that Othello was an arrant black, appears from several 
expressions of the play; as for instance, 'thick lips,' 'sooty 
bosom,' and a variety of others. I am inclined to think," con- 
tinued he, " that Othello was an Egyptian, by birth, from the cir- 
cumstance of the handkerchief given to his mother by a native of 
that country ; and, if so, he certainly was as black as my hat ; 
for Herodotus has told us, that the Egyptians had flat noses and 
frizzled hair : a clear proof that they were all negroes." He did 
not confine his strictures to this single error of the actor, but 
went on to run him down in toto. In this he was seconded by a 
red hot PhUadelphian, who proved, by a string of most eloquent 
logical puns, that Fennel was unquestionably in every respect a 
better actor than Cooper. I knew it was vain to contend with 
them, since I recollected a most obstinate trial of skill these two 
great Roscii had last spring in Philadelphia. Cooper brandished 



68 SALMAGUNDI. 

his blood-stained dagger at the theatre — Fennel flourished his 
snuff-box and shook his wig at the Lyceum, and the unfortunate 
Philadelphians were a long time at a loss to decide which 
deserved the palm. The literati were inclined to give it to Coo- 
per, because his name was the most fruitful in puns ; but then, on 
the other side, it was contended that Fennel was the best Greek 
scholar. Scarcely was the town of Strasburgh in a greater hub- 
bub about the courteous stranger's nose ; and it was well that 
the doctors of the university did not get into the dispute, else it 
might have become a battle of folios. At length, after much ex- 
cellent argument had been expended on both sides, recourse was 
had to Cocker's arithmetic and a carpenter's rule ; the rival can- 
didates were both measured by one of their most steady-handed 
critics, and by the most exact measurement it was proved that 
Mr. Fennel was the greater actor by three inches and a quarter. 
Since this demonstration of inferiority. Cooper has never been able 
to hold up liis head in Philadelphia. 

In order to change a conversation in which my favorite suf- 
fered so mucli, I made some inquiries of the Philadelphian con- 
cerning the two heroes of his theatre, "Wood and Cain ; but 
I had scarcely mentioned their names, when, whack I he threw a 
whole handful of puns in my face ; 'twas like a bowl of cold 
water. I turned on my heel, had recourse to my tobacco-box, 
and said no more about Wood and Cain ; nor will I ever more, if 
I can help it, mention their names in the presence of a Philadel- 
phian. Would that they could leave off punning 1 for I love every 
soul of them, with a cordial affection, warm as their own 
generous hearts, and boundless as their hospitality. 

During the performance, I kept an eye on the countenance 
of my friend, the cockney ; because having come all the way 
from England, and having seen Kemble once, on a visit which he 
made from the button manufactory to Lunnun, I thought his 
phiz might serve as a kind of thermometer to direct my manifesta- 
tions of applause or disapprobation. I might as well have looked 
at the backside of his head ; for I could not, with all my peering, 
perceive by his features that he was pleased with any thing — 
except himself. His hat was twitched a little on one side, as much 
as to say, " demme, I'm your sorts!" he was sucking the end of a 
little stick; he was "gemman" from head to foot; but as to his 
face, there was no more expression in it than in the face of a 
Chinese lady on a teacup. On Cooper's giving one of his gun- 
powder explosions of passion, I exclaimed, "fine, very fine!" 
"Pardon me," said my friend Snivers, "this is damnable! — the 
gesture, my dear Sir, only look at the gesture 1 how horrible I do 
you not observe that the actor slaps his forehead, whereas, the 
passion not having arrived at the proper height, he should only 
have slapped his — pocket-flap ? — this figure of rhetoric is a most 
important stage trick, and the proper management of it is wliat 
peculiarly distinguishes tlie gre;it actor from tlie mere plodding 



SALMAGUNDI. 69 

mechanical buffoon. Different degrees of pasi^sion require different 
slaps, which we critics have reduced to a perfect manual, im- 
proving upon the principle adopted by Frederick of Prussia, by- 
deciding that an actor, like a soldier, is a mere machine ; as thus 
— the actor, for a minor burst of passion, merely slaps his pocket- 
hole; good! — for a major burst, he slaps his breast; very good 1 
— but for a burst maximus, he whacks away at his forehead, hke 
a brave fellow ; this is excellent ! — nothing can be finer than an 
exit, slapping the forehead from one end of the stage to the 
other." " Except," rephed I, "one of those slaps on the breast, 
which I have sometimes admired in some of our fat heroes and 
heroines, which make their whole body shake and quiver like a 
pyramid of jelly." 

The Philadelpliian had hstened to this conversation with pro- 
found attention, and appeared delighted with Snivers' mechanical 
strictures ; 'twas natural enough in a man who chose an actor as 
he would a grenadier. He took the opportunity of a pause, to 
enter into a long conversation with my friend ; and was receiv- 
ing a prodigious fund of information concerning the true mode of 
emphasising conjunctions, shifting scenes, snuffing candles, and 
making thunder and lightning, better than you can get every 
daj^ from the sky, as practised at the royal theatres ; when, as ill 
luck would have it, they happened to run their heads fuU butt 
against a new reading. Now this was " a stumper," as our old 
friend Paddle would say ; for the Philadelphians are as inveterate 
now-reading hunters as the cockneys ; and, for aught I know, as 
well skilled in finding them out. The Philadelphian thereupon 
met the cockney on his own ground ; and at it they went, like 
two inveterate curs at a bone. Snivers quoted Theobald, Han- 
mer, and a host of learned commentators, who have pinned them- 
selves on the sleeve of Shakspeare's immortality, and made the 
old bard, like General Washington, in General Washington's life, 
a most diminutive figure in his own book ; — his opponent chose 
Johnson for his bottle-holder, and thundered him forward like an 
elephant to bear down the ranks of the enemy. I was not long 
in discovering that these two precious judges had got hold of that 
unlucky passage of Shakspeare which, like a straw, has tickled, 
and puzzled, and confounded many a somniferous buzzard of past 
and present time. It was the celebrated wish of Desdemona, that 
heaven had made her such a man as Othello. Snivers insisted, 
that " the gentle Desdemona" merely wished for such a man for 
a husband, which in all conscience was a modest wish enough, 
and very natural in a young lady who might possibly have had a 
predilection for flat noses : like a certain philosophical great man 
of our day. The Philadelphian contended with all the vehemence 
of a member of Congress, moving the house to have "whereas," 
or "also," or "nevertheless," struck out of a bill, that the young 
lady wished heaven had made her a man instead of a woman, in 
order that she might have an opportunity of seeing the " anthro- 



70 SALMAGUNDI. 

pophagi, and the men whose heads do grow beneath tlieir shoul- 
ders;" which was a very natural wish, considering the curiosity 
of the sex. On being referred to, I incontinently decided in favor 
of the honorable member who spoke last ; inasmuch as I tliink it 
was a very foolish, and therefore very natural, wish for a young 
lady to make before a man she wished to marry. It was, more- 
over, an indication of the violent inclination she felt to wear the 
breeches, which was afterwards, in all probability, gratified, if we 
may judge from the title of " our captain's captain," given her by 
Cassio, a phrase which, in my opinion, indicates that Othello was, 
at that time, most ignominiously hen-pecked. I believe my argu- 
ments staggered Snivers himself, for he looked confoundedly 
queer, and said not another word on the subject. 

A little while after, at it he went again on another tack, and 
began to find fault with Cooper's manner of dying; "it was not 
natural," he said, for it had lately been demonstrated by a learned 
doctor of physic, that when a man is mortally stabbed, he ought to 
take a flying leap of at least five feet, and drop down " dead as 
a salmon in a fislunonger's basket." Whenever a man, in the 
predicament above mentioned, departed from this fundamental 
rule, by falHng flat down, like a log, and rolling about for two or 
three minutes, making speeches all the time, the said learned doc- 
tor maintained that it was owing to the waywardness of the human 
mind, which delighted in flying in the face of nature, and dying 
in defiance of all her established rules. I replied, " for my part, 
I held that every man had a right of dying in whatever position 
he pleased ; and that the mode of doing it depended altogether on 
the peculiar character of the person going to die. A Persian 
could not die in peace unless he had his face turned to the 
east ; a Mahometan would always choose to have his towards 
Mecca; a Frenchman might prefer this mode of throwing a 
somerset ; but Mynheer Van Brumblebottom, the Roscius of Rot- 
terdam, always chose to thunder down on his seat of honor 
whenever he received a mortal wound. Being a man of ponder- 
ous dimensions, this had a most electrifying effect, for the whole 
theatre " shook like Olympus at the nod of Jove." The Phila- 
delphian was immediately inspired with a pun, and swore that 
Mynheer must be great in a dying scene, since he knew how to 
make the most of his latter end. 

It is the inveterate cry of stage critics, that an actor does not 
perform the character naturally, if, by chance, he happens not to 
die exactly as they would have him. I think the exhibition of a 
play at Pekin would suit them exactly ; and I wish, with all my 
lieart, they would go there and see oue ; nature is there imitated 
with the most scrupulous exactness in every trifling particular. 
Here an unhappy lady or gentleman, who happens unluckily to 
be poisoned or stabbed, is left on the stage to writhe and groan, 
and make faces at the audience, until tlie poet pleases they should 
die ; while the honest folks of the dramatis personam, bless their 



SALMAGUNDI. *Jl 

hearts ! all crowd round and yield most potent assistance, by 
crying and lamenting most vociferously! the audience, tender 
souls, pull out then' white pocket handkerchiefs, wipe their eyes, 
blow their noses, and swear it is natural as life, while the poor 
actor is left to die without common Christian comfort. In China, 
on the contrary, the first thing they do is to run for the doctor 
and tchoouc, or notary. The audience are entertained tliroughout 
the fifth act with a learned consultation of pliysicians, and if the 
patient must die, he does it secundum artem, and always is 
allowed time to make his will. The celebrated Chow-Chow was 
the completest hand I ever saw at killing himself; he always car- 
ried under his robe a bladder of bull's blood, which, when he 
gave the mortal stab, spirted out to the infinite delight of the au- 
dience. Not that the ladies of China are more fond of the sight 
of blood than those of our own country ; on the contrary, they 
are remarkably sensitive in this particular ; and we are told by 
the great Linkum Fidelius, that the beautiful Ninny Consequa, 
one of the ladies of the emperor's seraglio, once fainted away on 
seeing a favorite slave's nose bleed ; since which time refinement 
has been carried to such a pitch, that a buskined hero is not 
allowed to run himself through the body in the face of the audi- 
ence. The immortal Chow-Chow, in conformity to this absurd 
prejudice, whenever he plays the part of Othello, which is 
reckoned his master-piece, always keeps a bold front, stabs him- 
self slyly behind, and is dead before any body suspects that he 
has given the mortal blow. 

P. S. — Just as this was going to press, I was informed by 
Evergreen that OtheUo had not been performed here the Lord 
knows when ; no matter, I am not the first that has criticised a 
play without seeing it, and this critique will answer for the last 
performance, if that was a dozen years ago. 



*12 SALMAGUNDI. 



No. YIL— SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 1807. 

LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DTJB KELT KHAN. 
TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO 
HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI. 

I PROMISED in a former letter, good Asem, that I would furnish 
thee with a few hints respecting the nature of the government by 
which I am held in durance. Though my inquiries for that pur- 
pose have been industrious, yet I am not perfectly satisfied with 
their results ; for thou mayst easily imagine that the vision of a 
captive is overshadowed by the mists of illusion and prejudice, 
and the horizon of his speculations must be limited indeed. I find 
that the people of this country are strangely at a loss to determine 
the nature and proper character of their government. Even their 
dervises are extremely in the dark as to this particular, and are 
continually indulging in the most preposterous disquisitions on the 
subject; some have insisted that it savors of an aristocracy; 
others maintain that it is a pure democracy ; and a third set of 
theorists declare absolutely that it is nothing more or less than a 
mobocracy. The latter, I must confess, though still wide in error, 
have come nearest to the truth. You of course must understand 
the meaning of these different words, as they are derived from the 
ancient Greek language, and bespeak loudly the verbal poverty 
of these poor infidels, who cannot utter a learned phrase without 
laying the dead languages under contribution. A man, my dear 
Asem, who talks good sense in his native tongue, is held in 
tolerable estimation in this country ; but a fool, who clothes his 
feeble ideas in a foreign or antique garb, is bowed down to as a 
literary prodigy. "While I conversed with these people in plain 
English, I was but little attended to ; but the moment I prosed 
away in Greek, every one looked up to me with veneration as an 
oracle. 

Although the dervises differ widely in the particulars above 
mentioned, yet they all agree in terming their government one of 
the most pacific in the known world. I cannot help pitying their 
ignorance, and smiling, at times, to see into what ridiculous errors 
those nations will wander, who are unenlightened by tlie precepts 
of Mahomet, our divine prophet, and uninstructed by the five 
hundred and forty-nine books of wisdom of the immortal Ibrahim 
Hassan al Fusti. To call this nation pacific ! most preposterous ! 



SALMAGUNDI. 13 

it reminds me of the title assumed by the sheck of that murderous 
tribe of wild Arabs, that desolate the valleys of Belsaden, who 
styles himself star of courtesy — beam of the mercy-seat I 

The simple truth of the matter is, that these people are totally 
ignorant of their own true character ; for, according to the best 
of my observation, they are the most warlike, and I must say, the 
most savage nation that I have as yet discovered among all the 
barbarians. They are not only at war, in their own way, with 
almost every nation on earth, but they are at the same time 
engaged in the most complicated knot of civil wars that ever 
infested any poor unliappy country on which Alla has denounced 
his malediction ! 

To let thee at once into a secret, which is unknown to these peo-- 
pie themselves, their government is a pure unadulterated logo- 
CRACY, or government of words. The whole nation does every 
thing viva voce, or by word of mouth ; and in this manner is one 
of the most military nations in existence. Every man who has 
what is here called the gift of the gab, that is, a plentiful stock of 
verbosity, becomes a soldier outright ; and is for ever in a militant 
state. Tiie country is entirely defended vi et lingua ; that is to 
say, by force of tongues. The account which I lately wrote to 
our friend, the snorer, respecting the immense army of six hun- 
dred men, makes nothing against this observation ; that formida- 
ble body being kept up, as I have already observed, only to amuse 
their fair country-women by their splendid appearance and nod- 
ding plumes ; and are, by way of distinction, denominated the 
" defenders of the fair." 

In a logocracy thou well knowest there is little or no occasion 
for fire-arms, or any such destructive weapons. Every offensive or 
defensive measure is enforced by wordy battle, and paper war; he 
who has the longest tongue, or readiest quill, is sure to gain the 
victory, — will carry horror, abuse, and ink-shed into the very 
trenches of the enemy ; and, without mercy or remorse, put men, 
women and children, to the point of the — pen 1 

There is still preserved in this country some remains of that 
gothic spirit of knight-errantry, which so much annoyed the 
faithful in the middle ages of the hegira. As, notwithstanding 
their martial disposition, they are a people much given to com- 
merce and agriculture, and must, necessarily, at certain seasons 
be engaged in these employments, they have accommodated them- 
selves by appointing knights, or constant warriors, incessant 
brawlers, similar to those who, in former ages, swore eternal 
enmity to the followers of our divine prophet. — These knights, 
denominated editors or slang- whangers, are appointed in every 
town, vhlage, and district, to carry on both foreign and internal 
warfare, and may be said to keep up a constant firing " in words." 
Oh, my friend, could you but witness the enormities sometimes 
committed by these tremendous slang- whangers, your very turban 
would rise with horror and astonishment. I have seen them ex- 



74 SALMAGUNDI. 

tend their ravages even into tlie kitchens of their opponents, and 
annihilate the very cook with a blast; and I do assure thee, I 
beheld one of these warriors attack a most venerable bashaw, 
and at one stroke of his pen lay him open from the waistband of 
his breeches to his chin I 

There has been a civil war carrying on with great violence for 
some time past, in consequence of a conspiracy, among tlie 
higher classes, to dethrone his highness, the present bashaw, and 
place another in his stead. I was mistaken when I formerly as- 
serted to thee that this dissatisfaction arose from his wearing red 
breeches. It is true the nation have long held that color in great 
detestation, in consequence of a dispute they had some twenty 
• years since with the barbarians of the British islands. The color, 
however, is again rising into favor, as the ladies have transferred 

it to their heads from the bashaw's body. The tnie reason, I 

am told, is, that the bashaw absolutely refuses to believe in the 
deluge, and in the story of Balaam's ass ; — maintaining that this 
animal was never yet permitted to talk except in a genuine logo- 
cracy ; where, it is true, his voice may often be heard, and is lis- 
tened to Avith reverence, as "the voice of the sovereign people." 
Nay, so far did he carry his obstinacy, that he absolutely invited 
a professed antediluvian from the GaUic empire, who illuminated 

the whole country with his principles and his nose. This was 

enough to set the nation in a blaze ; — every slang- whanger re- 
sorted to his tongue or his pen ; and for seven years have they 
carried on a most inhuman war, in which volumes of words have 
been expended, oceans of ink have been shed ; nor has any 
mercy been shown to age, sex, or condition. Every day have 
these slang-whangers made furious attacks on each other, and 
upon their respective adherents ; discharging their heavy artillery, 
consisting of large sheets, loaded with scoundrel ! villain ! liar I 
rascal ! numskull ! nincompoop ! dunderhead ! wiseacre I block- 
head ! jackass ! and I do swear, by my beard, though I know 
thou wilt scarcely credit me, that in some of these skirmishes the 
grand bashaw himself has been wofuUy pelted I yea^ most igno- 
miniously pelted ! — and yet have these talking desperadoes es- 
caped without the bastinado 1 

Every now and then a slang-whanger, who has a longer head, 
or rather a longer tongue than the rest, will elevate his piece and 
discharge a shot quite across the ocean, levelled at the head of 
the emperor of France, the king of England, or, wouldst thou 
beheve it, oh I Asem, even at his sublime highness the bashaw 
of Tripoli; these long pieces are loaded with single ball, or 
langrage, as tyrant! usurper! robber! tyger! monster! and 
thou mayest weU suppose they occasion great distress and dismay 
in the camps of the enemy, and are marvellously annoying to the 
crowned heads at which they are directed. The slang-whanger, 
though perhaps the mere champion of a village, having fired off 
his shot, struts about with great self-congratulation, chuckling at 



SALMAGUNDI. *15 

the prodigious bustle he must have occasioned, and seems to ask 
of every stranger, "well, sir, what do they think of me in 
Europe ?"* This is sufficient to show you the manner in which 
these bloody, or rather windy fellows fight ; it is the only mode 
allowable in a logocracy or government of words. I would also 
observe that their civil wars have a thousand ramifications. 

While the fury of the battle rages in the metropohs, every little 
town and village has a distinct broil, growing like excrescences 
out of the grand national altercation, or rather agitating within 
it, like those complicated pieces of mechanism where there is a 
"wheel within a wheel." 

But in nothing is the verbose nature of this government more 
evident, than in its grand national divan, or congress, where the 
laws are framed: this is a blustering, windy assembly, where 
every thing is carried by noise, tumult and debate ; for thou must 
know, that the members of this assembly do not meet together to 
find wisdom in the multitude of counsellors, but to wrangle, call 
each other hard names, and hear themselves talk. When the 
congress opens, the bashaw first sends them a long message, i. e. 
a huge mass of words — vox et preierea nihil, all meaning nothing ; 
because it only tells them what they perfectly know already. 
Then the whole assembly are thrown into a ferment, and have a 
long talk about the quantity of words that arc to be returned in 
answer to this message; and here arise many disputes about the 
correction and alteration of " if so he's," and " how so ever's." A 
month, perhaps, is spent in thus determining the precise number 
of words the answer shall contain ; and then another, most pro- 
bably, in concluding whether it shall be carried to the bashaw on 
foot, on horseback, or in coaches. Having settled this weighty 
matter, they next fall to work upon the message itself, and hold 
as much chattering over it as so many magpies over an addled 
egg. This done, they divide the message into small portions, and 
deliver them into the hands of little juntoes of talkers, called 
committees; these juntoes have each a world of talking about 
their respective paragraphs, and return the results to the grand 

NOTE, BY WILLIAM WLSAED, ESQ. 

* The sage Mustapha, when he wrote the above paragraph, had probably 
in his eye the following anecdote ; related either by Linkum Fidelius, or 
Josephus Millerius, vulgarly called Joe Miller, of facetious memoiy. 

The captain of a slave-vessel, on his first landing on the coast of Guinea, 
observed under a palm-tree, a negro chief, sitting most majestically on a 
stump ; while two women, with wooden spoons, were administering his 
favorite pottage of boiled rice ; which, as his imperial majesty was a little 
greedy, would part of it escape the place of destination and run down his 
chin. ' The watchful attendants were particularly careful to intercept these 
scape-grace particles, and return them to their proper port of entry. As 
the captain approached, in order to admire this curious exhibition of 
royalty, the great chief clapped his hands to his sides, and saluted his visitor 
with the following pompous question, " well, sir ! what do they say of me in 
England?" 



^Q SALMAGUNDI. 

divan, which forthwith falls to and retalks the matter over more 
earnestly than ever. Now after all, it is an even chance that the 
subject of this prodigious arguing, quarrelling, and talking, is an 
affair of no importance, and ends entirely in smoke. May it not 
then be said, the whole nation have been talking to no purpose ? 
The people, in fact, seem to be somewhat conscious of this pro- 
pensity to talk, by which they are characterized, and have a 
favorite proverb on the subject, viz., "all talk and no cider ;" this 
IS particularly applied when their congress, or assembly of all the 
sage chatterers of the nation, have chattered through a whole ses- 
sion, in a time of great peril and momentous event, and have 
done nothing but exhibit the length of their tongues and the 
emptiness of their heads. This has been the case more than 
once, my friend ; and to let thee into a secret, I have been told 
in confidence, that there have been absolutely several old women 
smuggled into congress from different parts of the empire ; who, 
having once got on the breeches, as thou mayest well imagine, 
have taken the lead in debate, and overwhelmed the whole 
assembly with their garrulity ; for my part, as times go, I do not 
see why old women should not be as eligible to public councils 
as old men who possess their dispositions ; — they certainly are 
eminently possessed of the qualifications requisite to govern in a 
logocracy. 

Nothing, as I have repeatedly insisted, can be done in this 
country without talking ; but they take so long to talk over a 
measure, that by the time they have determined upon adopting 
it, the period has elapsed which was proper for carrying it into 
effect. Unhappy nation I thus torn to pieces by intestine talks ! 
never, I fear, will it be restored to tranquillity and silence. 
Words are but breath ; breath is but air ; and air put into motion 
is nothing but wind. Tliis vast empire, therefore, may be com- 
pared to nothing more or less than a mighty windmill, and the 
orators, and the chatterers, and the slang-whangers, are the breezes 
that put it in motion ; unluckily, however, they are apt to blow 
different ways, and their blasts counteracting each other — the 
mill is perplexed, the wheels stand still, the grist is unground, and 
the miller and his family starved. 

Everything partakes of the windy nature of the government. 
In case of any domestic grievance, or an insult from a foreign foe, 
the people are all in a buzz; — town-meetings are immediately 
held where the quidnuncs of the city repair, each like an atlas, 
with the cares of the whole nation upon his shoulders, each reso- 
lutely bent upon saving his country, and each swelling and 
strutting like a turkey-cock ; puffed up with words, and wind, 
and nonsense. After bustling, and buzzing, and bawling for 
some time, and after each man has shown himself to be indubita- 
bly the greatest personage in the meeting, they pass a string of 
resolutions, i. e. words, which were previously prepared for the 
purpose ; these resolutions are whimsically denominated the sense 



SALMAGUNDI, 77 

of the meeting, and are sent off for the instruction of the reigning 
bashaw, who receives them graciouslj"-, puts them into his red 
breeches pocket, forgets to read them — and so the matter ends. 

As to his highness, the present bashaw, who is at the very top 
of the logocracy, never was a dignitary better quaUfied for his 
station. He is a man of superlative ventosity, and comparable 
to nothing but a huge bladder of wind. He talks of vanquishing 
all opposition by the force of reason and philosophy : throws hia 
gauntlet at all the nations of the earth, and defies them to meet 
him — on the field of argument ! — is the national dignity insulted, 
a case in which his highness of Tripoli would immediately call 

forth his forces; the bashaw of America — utters a speech. 

Does a foreign invader molest the commerce in the very mouth of 
the harbors ? an insult which would induce his highness of Tripoli 
to order out his fleets ; — his highness of America — utters a speech. 
Are the free citizens of America dragged from on board the ves- 
sels of their country, and forcibly detained in the war ships of 
another power ? — his highness utters a speech. Is a peaceable citi- 
zen killed by the marauders of a foreign power, on the very shores 
of his country — his highness utters a speech. Does an alarming 
insurrection break out in a distant part of the empire ? — his high- 
ness utters a speech 1 — nay, more, for here he shows his " ener- 
gies :" — he most intrepidly dispatches a courier on horseback, and 
orders him to ride one hundred and twenty miles a day, with a 
most formidable army of proclamations, i. e. a collection of words, 
packed up in his saddle-bags. He is instructed to show no favor 
nor affection ; but to charge the thickest ranks of the enemy ; and 
to speechify and batter by words the conspiracy and the conspi- 
rators out of existence. Heavens, my friend, what a deal of 
blustering is here 1 it reminds me of a dunghill cock in a farm- 
yard, who, having accidentally in his scratchings found a worm, 
immediately begins a most vociferous cacklmg; — calls around him 
his hen-hearted companions, who run chattering from all quarters 
to gobble up the poor little worm that happened to turn under 
his eye. Oh, Asem I Asem 1 on what a prodigious great scale is 
every thing in this country ! 

Thus, then, I conclude my observations. The infidel nations 
have each a separate characteristic trait, by which they may be 
distinguished from each other : — the Spaniards, for instance, may 
be said to sleep upon every affair of importance ; — the Italians to 
fiddle upon everything ; — the French to dance upon everything ; 
— the Germans to smoke upon everytliing ; — the British islanders 
• to eat upon everything ; — and the windy subjects of the American 
logocracy to talk upon everything. 

For ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



78 SALMAGUNDI. 



FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

How oft in musing mood my heart recalls, 
From grey -beard father Time's obhvious halls, 
The modes and maxims of my early day. 
Long in those dark recesses stow'd away : 
Drags once more to the cheerful realms of light 
Those buckram fashions, long since lost in night, 
And makes, like Endor's witch, once more to rise 
My grogram grandames to my raptured eyes ! 

Shades of my fathers 1 in your pasteboard skirts, 
Your broidered waistcoats and your plaited shirts, 
Your formal bag-wigs — wide-extended cuffs, 
Your five inch chitterlings and nine inch ruffs I 
Gods ! how ye strut, at times, in all your state, 
Amid the visions of my thoughtful pate ! 
I see ye move the solemn minuet o'er. 
The modest foot scarce rising from the floor; 
No thundering rigadoon with boisterous prance, 
No pigeon-wing disturb your contre-danse. 
But silent as the gentle Lethe's tide, 
Adown the festive maze ye peaceful glide ! 

Still in my mental eye each name appears — 
Each modest beauty of departed years ; 
Close by mamma I see her stately march. 
Or sit, in all the majesty of starch ; — 
When for the dance a stranger seeks her hand, 
I see her doubting, hesitating stand ; 
Yield to his claim with most fastidious grace. 
And sigh for her intended in his place ! 

Ah ! golden days ; when every gentle fair 
On sacred Sabbath conn'd with pious care 
Her holy bible, or her prayer-book o'er, 
Or studied honest Bunyan's drowsy lore ; 
Travell'd with him the pilgrim's progress through, 
And storra'd the famous town of Man-soul too : — 
Beat Eye and Ear-gate up with thundering jar, 
And fought triumphant through the holt war ; 
Or if, perchance, to lighter works inclined. 
They sought with novels to relax the mind, 
'Twas Grandison's politely formal page. 
Or CLELIA or PAMELA wcre the rage. 

No plays were then — theatrics were unknown — 
A learned pig — a dancing monkey shown — 
The feats of Punch — a cunning juggler's slight 
Were sure to fill each bosom witli delight 



SALMAGUXDI. 79 

An honest, simple, humdrum race we were, 
Undazzled yet by fashion's wildering glare ; 
Our manners unreserved, devoid of guile, 
We knew not then the modern monster style : 
Style, that with pride each empty bosom swells, 
Puffs boys to manhood, little girls to belles. 

Scarce from the nursery freed, our gentle fair 
Are yielded to the dancing-master's care ; 
And e'er the head one mite of sense can gain, 
Are introduced 'mid folly's frippery train. 
A stranger's grasp no longer gives alarms, 
Our fair surrender to their very arms. 
And in the insidious waltz (1) will swim and twine, 
And whirl and languish tenderly divine I 
Oh, how I hate this loving, hugging dance ; 
This imp of Germany — brought up in France : 
Nor can I see a niece its windings trace, 
But all the honest blood glows in my face. 
" Sad, sad refinement this," I often say, 
" 'Tis modesty indeed refined away 1 
"Let France its whim, its sparkling wit supply, 
" The easy grace that captivates the eye ; 
" But curse their waltz — their loose lascivious arts, 
" That smooth our manners, to corrupt our hearts ! (3) 
"Where now those books, from which in days of yore 
Our mothers gain'd their literary store ? 
Alas 1 stiff skirted Grandison gives place 
To novels of a new and rakish race ; 
And honest Bunyan's pious dreaming lore, 
To the lascivious rhapsodies of Moore. 
And, last of all, behold the mimic stage. 
Its morals lend to polish off the age, 
"With flimsy farce, a comedy miscall'd, 
Gamish'd with vulgar cant, and proverbs bald, 
"With puns most puny, and a plenteous store 
Of smutty jokes, to catch a gallery roar. 
Or see, more fatal, graced with every art 
To charm and captivate the female heart, 
The false, "the gallant, gay Lothario" smiles, (3) 
And loudly boasts his base seductive wiles ; — 
In glowing colors paints Calista's wrongs, 
And with voluptuous scenes the tale prolongs. 
"When COOPEE lends his fascinating powers. 
Decks vice itself in bright alluring flowers, 
Pleased with his manly grace, his youthful fire, 
Our fair are lured the villain to admire ; 
"While humbler virtue, like a stalking horse. 
Struts clumsily and croaks in honest MoRSB. 

Ah, hapless days 1 when trials thus combined, 



80 SALMAGU^TDT. 

In pleasing garb assail the female mind ; 
"When every smooth insidious snare is spread 
To sap the morals and delude the head ! 
Not Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, 
To prove their faith and virtue here below, 
Could more an angel's helping hand require 
To guide their steps uninjured through the fire, 
Where had but heaven its guardian aid denied, 
The holy trio in the proof had died. 
If, then, their manly vigor sought supplies 
Prom the bright stranger in celestial guise, 
Alas 1 can we from feebler natures claim, 
To brave seduction's ordeal, free from blame ; 
To pass through fire unhurt like golden ore. 
Though ANGEL MISSIONS bless the earth no more I 



NOTES, BY WILLIAM WIZAED, ESQ. 

1. Waltz.] ^5 many of the retired matrons of this city, unsJcilled 
in " gestic lore,^' are doubtless ignorant of the movements and figures 
of this modest exhibition, I will endeavor to give some account of it, 
in order that they may learn what odd capers their daughters some- 
tiTues cut when from under their guardian wings. 

On a signal being given by the music, the gentleman seizes the lady 
round her waist ; the lady, scorning to be outdone in courtesy, very 
politely takes the gentleman round the neck, with one arm resting 
against his shoulder to prevent encroachments. Away then they go, 
about, and about, and about — ^^ About ivhat, sirV^ — about the room, 
madam, to be sure. 2 he whole economy of this dance consists in 
turning round and round the room in a certain measured step : and 
it is truly astonishing that this continued revolution does not set all 
their heads siuimming like a top ; but I have been positively assured 
that it only occasions a gentle sensation which is marvellously agree- 
able. In the course of this circum,navigation, the dancers, in order 
to give the charm of variety, are continually changing their relative 
situations ; — now the gentleman, meaning no harm in the world, I 
assure you, madam, carelessly flings his arm about the lady^s neck, 
with an air of celestial impudence ; and anon, the lady, meaning as 
little harm as the gentleman, takes him round the waist with most 
ingenuous modest languishment, to the great delight of numerous spec- 
tators and amateurs, who generally form a ring, as the mob do about 
a pair of amazons pulling caps, or a couple of fig! ding onastiffs. 

After continuing this divine interchange of hands, arms, et cetera., 
for half an hour or so, the lady begins to tire, and with ^'■eyes tip- 



SALMAGUNDI. 81 

raised" in most bewitching languor petitions her partner for a little 
more siq^port. This is always given without hesitation. The lady 
leans gently on his shoulder^ their arms entwine in a thousand seduc- 
ing mischievous curves — donH he alarmed, madam — closer and 
closer they approach each other, and in conclusion, the parties being 
overcome ivith extatic fatigue, the lady seons almost sinking into the 
gentleman's arms, and then — " Well, sir ! and what thenf — Lord, 
madam, haw should I know F 

2.] My friend Pindar, and, in fact, our ivhole junto, has been ac- 
cused of an unreasonable hostility to the French nation ; and I am 
informed by a Parisian correspondent, that our first number played 
the very devil in the court of St. Cloud. His imperial majesty got 
into a most outrageous passion, and being withal a waspish little 
gentleman, had nearly kicked his bosom friend, Talleyrand, out of 
the cabinet, in the paroxysms of his wrath. He insisted upon it that 
the nation was assailed in its most vital part, being, like Achilles, 
extremely sensitive to any attacks upon the heel. When ony corre- 
spondent sent off his despatches, it was still in doubt what measures 
would be adopted ; but it was strongly suspected that vehement repre- 
sentatioTis would be made to our government. Willing, therefore, to 
save our executive from any embarrassment on the subject, and above 
all, from the disagreeable alternative of sending an apology by the 
Hornet, we do assure Mr. Jefferson, that there is nothing further 
from our thoughts than the subversion of the Gallic empire, or any 
attack on the interests, tranquillity, or reputation of the nation at 
large, which we seriously declare possesses the highest rank in our 
estimation. Nothing less than the national welfare could have in- 
duced us to trouble ourselves with this explanation ; and in the name 
of the junto, I once more declai-e, that when we toast a Frenchman, 
loe merely mean one of these inconnus, who swarmed to this country 
from the kitchens and barbers' shops of Nantz, Bordeaux, and Mar- 
seilles; — played game of leap-frog at all our balls and assemblies ; — 
set this unhappy town hjopping mad ; — and passed themselves off on 
our tender-hearted damsels for unfortunate noblemen — rxdned in the 
revolution! Such only can ivince at the lash, and accuse us of seve- 
rity ; and ive should be mortified in the extreme if they did not feel 
our well-intended castigation. 

3. Fair Penitent.] The story of this play, if told in its native 
language, loould exhibit a scene of guilt and shame, which no modest 
ear could listen to without shrinking with disgust ; but, arrayed as 
it is, in all the splendor of harmonious, rich, and polished verse, it 
steals into the heart like some gay, luxurious, smooth-faced villain, 
and betrays it insensibly to immorality and vice ; our very sympa- 
thy is enlisted on the side of guilt ; and the piety of Altam,ont, and 
the gentleness of Lavinia, are lost in the splendid debaucheries of the 
" gcdlant, gay Lothario,'" and the blustering, hollow repentance of the 
fair Calista, whose sorroiu reminds us of that of Pope' s Heloise — "i 
•mourn the lover, not lament the fault." Nothing is more easy than 
to banish such plays from our stage. Were our ladies, instead of 

6 



82 



SALMAGUNDI, 



crowding to see them again and again repeated, to discourage their 
exhibition by absence, the stage would soon be indeed the school of 
morality, and the number of ''Fair Penitents'' in all probabUitv 
diminish. ^' 



SALMAGUNDI. S3 



NO. VIII.— SATURDAY, APRIL 18 1807. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

" In all thy humors, whether grave or mellow, 
Thou'rt such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow ; 
Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen ahout thee, 
There is no living with thee — nor without thee." 

" Never, in the memory of the oldest inhabitant, has there been 
known a more backward spring." This is the universal remark 
among the almanac quidnuncs, and weather-wiseacres of the 
day ; and I have heard it at least fifty-five times from old Mrs. 
Cockloft, who, poor woman, is one of those walking almanacs that 
foretell every snow, rain, or frost, by the shooting of corns, a pain 
in the bones, or an " ugly stitch in the side." I do not recollect, 
in the whole course of my life, to have seen the month of March 
indulge in such untoward capers, caprices, and coquetries, as it 
has done this year: I might have forgiven these vagaries, had 
they not completely knocked up my friend Langstafif; whose 
feelings are ever at the mercy of a weathercock, whose spirits 
sink and rise with the mercury of a barometer, and to whom an 
east wind is as obnoxious as a Sicilian sirocco. He was tempted 
some time since, by the fineness of the weather, to dress himself 
with more than ordinary cafe, and take his morning stroll ; but 
before he had half finished his peregrination, he was utterly dis- 
comfited, and driven home by a tremendous squall of wind, hail, 
rain, and snow, or, as he testily termed it, "a most villanous con- 
gregation of vapors." 

This was too much for the patience of friend Launcelot ; he 
declared he would humor the weather no longer in its whim- 
whams ; and, according to his immemorial custom on these occa- 
sions, retreated in high dudgeon to his elbow-chair to lie in of the 
spleen and rail at nature for being so fantastical : — " confound the 
jade," he frequently exclaims, " what a pity nature had not been 
of the masculine instead of the feminine gender; the almanac 
makers might then have calculated with some degree of certainty." 

When Langstafif invests himself with the spleen, and gives 
audience to the blue devils from his elbow-chair, I would not ad- 
vise any of his friends to come within gunshot of his citadel with 
the benevolent purpose of administering consolation or amuse- 
ment for he is then as crusty and crabbed as that famous coiner 



84 SALMAGUNDI. 

of false money Diogenes himself. Indeed his room is at such times 
inaccessible ; and old Pompey is the only soul that can gaia 
admission, or ask a question with impunity ; the truth is, that on 
these occasions there is not a straw's difference between them, 
for Pompey is as grum and grim and cynical as his master. 

J/auucelot has now been above three weeks in this desolate 
situation, and has, therefore, had but little to do in our last num- 
ber. As he could not be prevailed on to give any account of him- 
self in our introduction, I will take the opportunity of his confine- 
ment, while his back is turned, to give a slight sketch of his cha- 
racter; — fertile in whim-whams and bachelorisms, but rich in many 
of the sterling qualities of our nature. Annexed to this article, 
our readers will perceive a striking likeness of my friend which 
was taken by that cunning rogue Will "Wizard, who peeped 
through the key-hole and sketched it off, as honest Launcelot sat 
by the fire, wrapped up in his flannel rohe de chambre, and indulg- 
ing in a mortal fit of the hyp. Now take my word for it, gentle 
reader, this is the most auspicious moment in which to touch off 
the phiz of a genuine humorist. 

Of the antiquity of the Langstaff family I can say but little ; 
except that I have no doubt it is equal to that of most families 
who have the privilege of making their own pedigree, without the 
impertinent interposition of a college of Heralds. My friend 
Launcelot is not a man to blazon anything ; but I have heard him 
talk with great complacency of his ancestor, Sir Rowland, who 
was a dashing buck in the days of Hardiknute, and broke the 
head of a gigantic Dane, at a game of quarter-staff, in presence of 
the whole court. In memory of this gallant exploit. Sir Rowland 
was permitted to take the name of Langstoffe, and to assume as a 
crest to his arms, a hand grasping a cudgel. It is, however, a 
foible so ridiculously common in this country for people to claim 
consanguinity with all the great personages of their own name in 
Europe, that I should put but little faith in this family boast of 
friend Langstaff, did I not know him to be a man of most unques- 
tionable veracity. 

The whole world knows already that my friend is a bachelor ; 
for he is, or pretends to be, exceedingly proud of his personal in- 
dependence, and takes care to make it known in all companies 
where strangers are present. He is for ever vaunting the pre- 
cious state of "single blessedness," and was, not long ago, con- 
siderably startled at a proposition of one of his great favorites, 
Miss Sophy Sparkle, "that old bachelors should be taxed as 
luxuries." Launcelot immediately hied him home and wrote a 
tremendous long representation in their behalf, which I am resolved 
to publish if it is ever attempted to carry the measure into opera- 
tion. Whether he is sincere in these professions, or whether his 
present situation is owing to choice or disappointment, he only 
can tell ; but if he ever does teU, I will suffer myself to be shot 
by the first lady's eye that can twang an arrow. In his youth he 



SALMAGUNDI. 55 

was for ever in love ; but it was his misfortune to be continually 
crossed and rivalled by his bosom friend and contemporary beau, 
Pindar Cockloft, Esq., for as Langstaff never made a confidant on 
these occasions, his friend never knew which way his affections 
pointed ; and so, between them both, the lady generally slipped 
through their fingers. 

It has ever been the misfortune of Launcelot, that he could not 
for the soul of him restrain a good thing ; and this fatality has 
drawn upon him the ill-will of many whom he would not have 
offended for the world. "With the kindest heart under heaven, 
and the most benevolent disposition towards every being around 
him, he has been continually betrayed by the mischievous viva- 
city of his fancy, and the good-humored waggery of his feelings, 
into satirical sallies which have been treasured up by the invidi- 
ous, and retailed out with the bitter sneer of malevolence, instead 
of the playful hilarity of countenance which originally sweetened 
and tempered and disarmed them of their sting. These misre- 
presentations have gained him many reproaches and lost him 
many a friend. 

This unlucky characteristic played the mischief with him in one 
of his love affairs. He was, as I have before observed, often op- 
posed in his gallantries by that formidable rival, Pindar Cockloft, 
Esq., and a most formidable rival he was ; for he had Apollo, the 
nine muses, together with all the joint tenants of Olympus to 
back him ; and every body knows what important confederates 
they are to a lover. Poor Launcelot stood no chance ; the lady 
was cooped up in the poet's corner of every weekly paper ; and 
at length Pindar attacked her with a sonnet, that took up a 
w'hole column, in which he enumerated at least a dozen cardinal 
virtues, together witli innumerable others of inferior consideration. 
Launcelot saw his case was desperate, and that unless he sat 
down forthwith, be-cherubimed and be-angeled her to the skies, 
and put every virtue under the sun in requisition, he might as 
well go hang himself, and so make an end of the business. At 
it, therefore, he went ; and was going on very swimmingly, for 
in the space of a dozen lines he had enlisted under her command 
at least three score and ten substantial house-keeping virtues, 
when unluckily for Launcelot's reputation as a poet and the lady's 
as a saint, one of those confounded good thoughts struck his 
laughter-loving brain — it was irresistible ; away he went, full 
sweep before the wind, cutting and slashing, and tickled to death 
with his own fun : the consequence was, that by the time he had 
finished, never was poor lady so most ludicrously lampooned 
since lampooning came into fashion. But this was not half; so 
hugely was Launcelot pleased with this frolic of his wits, that 
nothing would do but he must show it to the lad}'-, who, as well 
she might, was mortally offended, and forbid him her presence. 
My friend was in despair, but, through the interference of hia 
generous rival, was permitted to make his apology, which, how- 



86 SALMAGUNDI. 

ever, most unluckily happened to be rather worse than the ori- 
ginal offence ; for though he had studied an eloquent compliment, 
yet as ill-luck would have it, a most preposterous whim-wham 
knocked at his pericranium, and inspired him to say some con- 
summate good things, which, all put together, amounted to a 
downright hoax, and provoked the lady's wrath to such a degree, 
that sentence of eternal banishment was awarded against him. 

Launcelot was inconsolable, and determined in the true style 
of novel heroics to make the tour of Europe, and endeavor to 
lose the recollection of this misfortune amongst the gaieties of 
France, and the classic charms of Italy ; he accordingly took pas- 
sage in a vessel, and pursued his voyage prosperously as far as 
Sandy- Hook, where he was seized with a violent fit of sea-sick- 
ness ; at which he was so affronted that he put his portmanteau 
into the first pilot-boat, and returned to town completely cured 
of his love and his rage for travelling. 

I pass over the subsequent amours of my friend Langstaflf, 
being but little acquainted with them ; for, as I have already 
mentioned, he never was known to make a confidant of any 
body. He always affirmed a man must be a fool to fall in love, 
but an idiot to boast of it ; ever denominated it the villanous pas- 
sion ; lamented that it could not be cudgelled out of the human 
heart ; and yet could no more live without being in love with 
somebody or other than he could without whim-whams. 

My friend Launcelot is a man of excessive irritability of nerve, 
and I am acquainted with no one so susceptible of tlie petty 
"miseries of human life;" yet its keener evils and misfortunes he 
'cears without shrinking, and however they may prey in secret on 
his happiness, he never complains. This was strikingly evinced 
in an affair where his heart was deeply and irrevocably concerned, 
and in wliich his success was ruined by one for whom he had 
long clierislied a warm friendship. The circumstance cut poor 
Langstaff to the very soul; he was not seen in company for 
months afterwards, and for a long time he seemed to retire within 
himself, and battle with the poignancy of his feelings ; but not a 
murmur or a reproach was heard to fall from his lips, though, at 
the mention of his friend's name, a shade of melancholy might be 
observed stealing across his face, and his voice assumed a touching 
tone, that seemed to say, he remembered his treachery " more in 
sorrow than in anger." This afiair has given a slight tinge of 
sadness to his disposition, which, however, does not prevent his 
entering into the amusements of the world; the only effect it 
occasions, is that you may occasionally observe him, at the end 
of a lively conversation, sink for a few minutes into an apparent 
forgetfulness of surrounding objects, during which time he seems 
to be indulging in some melancholy retrospection. 

Langstaff inherited from his father a love of literature, a dis- 
position for castle building, a mortal enmity to noise, a sovereign 
antipathy to cold weather and brooms, and a plentiful stock of 



SALMAGU>rDL 9t 

whini--whams. From the delicacy of his nerves he is peculiarly 
sensible to discordant sounds ; the rattling of a wheelbarrow is 
"horrible;" the noise of children "drives him distracted;"' and 
he once left excellent lodgings merely because the lady of the 
house wore high-heeled shoes, in which she clattered up and 
down stairs, till, to use his own emphatic expression, •• they made 
life loathsome'' to him. He suffers annual martyrdom from the 
razor-edged zephvrs of our " balmy spring,"' and solemnly declares 
that the boasted month of May has become a perfect '"vagabond."' 
As some people have a great antipathy to cats, and can tell when 
one is locked up in a closet so Launcelot declares his feelings 
always announce to him the neighborhood of a broom; a 
household implement which he abominates above all others. 
Nor is there any living animal in the world thai he holds in more 
utter abhorrence than what is usually termed a notable house- 
wife ; a pestilent being, who. he protests, is the bane of good 
fellowship, and has a hea%-y charge to answer for the many 
offences committed against the ease, comfort and social enjovments 
of sovereign man. He told me, not long ago, " that he had 
rather see one of the weird sisters flourish through his key-hole 
on a broomstick, than one of the servant maids enter the door 
with a besom.'" 

My friend Launcelot is ardent and sincere in his attachments, 
which are confined to a chosen few. in whose society he loves to 
give free scope to his whimsical imagination; he. however, 
mingles freely with the world, though more as a spectator than 
an actor ; and without an anxiety, or hardly a care to please, is 
generally received with welcome and Hstened to with complacency. 
When he extends his hand it is in a free, open. Uberal stj'le ; and 
when you shake it, you feel his honest heart throb in its pulsa- 
tions. Though rather fond of gay exhibitions, he does not appear 
so frequently at balls and assembUes since the introduction of 
the drum, trumpet and tamborin: aU of which he abhors on 
account of the rude attacks they make on his organs of hearing : 
— in short such is his antipathy to noise, that though exceedingly 
patriotic, yet he retreats every fourth of July to Cockloft Hall in 
order to get out of the way of the hubbub and confusion which 
make so considerable a part of the pleasure of that splendid 
anniversary. 

I intend this article as a mere sketch of Langstaff"s multifiirious 
character; his innumerable whim- whams wUl be exhibited by 
himself in the course of this work, in aU their strange varieties ; 
and the machinery of his mind, more intricate than the most 
subtile piece of clock-work, be fully explained. And trust me, 
gentlefolk, his are the whim- whams of a courteous gentleman full 
of most excellent quahties: honorable in his disposition, inde- 
pendent in his sentiments, and of unbounded good nature, as 
mav be seen through all his works. 



88 SALMAGUNDI. 

ON STYLE. 

BY WILLIAM -WIZARD, ESQ. 

STYLE, a manner of writing ; title; jpinof a dial; the pistil of plants. 

JOHNSON. 

STYLE, is style. llnkum fidelius. 

Now I would not give a straw for either of the above defini- 
tions, though I think tlie latter is by far the most satisfactory : 
and I do wish sincerely every modern numskull, who takes hold 
of a subject he knows nothing about, would adopt honest Lin- 
kum's mode of explanation. Blair's Lectures on this article have 
not thrown a whit more light on the subject of my inquiries ; — 
they puzzled me just as much as did the learned and laborious 
expositions and illustrations of the worthy professor of our col- 
lege, in the middle of which I generally had the ill luck to fall 
asleep. 

This same word style, though but a diminutive word, assumes 
to itself more contradictions, and significations, and eccentricities, 
than any monosyllable in the language is legitimately entitled to. 
It is an arrant little humorist of a word, and full of whim- whams, 
which occasions me to like it hugely ; but it puzzled me most 
wickedly on my first return from a long residence abroad, having 
crept into fashionable use during my absence ; and had it not 
been for friend Evergreen, and that tlirifty sprig of knowledge, 
Jeremy Cocklofi; the younger, I should have remained to this day 
ignorant of its meaning. 

Though it would seem that the people of all countries are 
equally vehement in the pursuit of this phantom, style, yet in al- 
most all of them there is a strange diversity in opinion as to what 
constitutes its essence ; and every different class, like the pagan 
nations, adore it under a different form. In England, for instance, 
an honest cit packs up himself, his family and his style, in a buggy 
or tim whisky, and rattles away on Sunday with his fair partner 
blooming beside him, like an eastern bride, and two chubby 
children, squatting like Chinese images at his feet. A Baronet 
requires a chariot and pair : — a Lord must needs have a barouche 
and four ; — but a Duke — oh 1 a Duke cannot possibly lumber his 
style along under a coach and six, and half a score of footmen 
into the bargain. In China a puissant Mandarin loads at least 
three elephants with style ; and an overgrown sheep at the Cape 
of Good Hope, trails along his tail and his style on a wheelbarrow. 
In Egypt, or at Constantinople, style consists in the quantity of 
fiir and fine clothes a lady can put on without danger of suffoca- 



SALMAGUNDI. 89 

tion ; here it is othei^nse, and consists in the quantity she can 
put off without the risk of freezing. A Chinese lady is thought 
prodigal of her charms if she expose the tip of her nose, or the 
ends of her fingers, to the ardent gaze of by-standers : and I 
recollect that all Canton was in a buzz in consequence of the great 
belle, Miss Nangfous, peeping out of window with her face unco- 
vered I Here the style is to show not only the face, but the neck, 
shoulders, &c. ; and a lady never presumes to hide them except 
when she is not at home, and not sufficiently undressed to see 
company. 

This style has ruined the peace and harmon}^ of many a worthy 
household ; for no sooner do they set up for style, but instantly 
all the honest old comfortable sans ceremonie furniture is discarded ; 
and you stalk cautiously about, amongst the uncomfortable splen- 
dor of Grecian chairs, Egyptian tables, Turkey carpets, and Etrus- 
can vases. This vast improvement in furniture demands an in- 
crease in the domestic establishment ; and a family that once 
required two or three servants for convenience, now employs half 
a dozen for style. 

Bell-brazen, late favorite of my unfortunate friend Dessalines, 
was one of these patterns of style ; and whatever freak she was 
seized with, however preposterous, was implicitly followed by all 
who would be considered as admitted in the stylish arcana. She 
was once seized with a whim-wham that tickled the whole court. 
She could not lay down to take an afternoon's loll, but she must 
have one servant to scratch her head, two to tickle her feet, and 
a fourth to fan her delectable person while she slumbered. The 
tiling took , — it became the rage, and not a sable belle in all Hayti 
but what insisted upon being fanned, and scratched, and tickled 
in the true imperial style. Sneer not at this picture, my most 
excellent to^^^lswomeu, for wiio among you but are daily follow- 
ing fashions equally absurd 1 

Style, according to Evergreen's account, consists in certain 
fashions, or certain eccentricities, or certain manners of certain 
people, in certain situations, and possessed of a certain share of 
fashion or importance. A red cloak, for instance, on the shoul- 
ders of an old market-woman is regarded with contempt: it is 
vulgar, it is odious: — fling, however, its usurping rival, a red 
shawl, over the fine figure of a fashionable belle, and let her 
flame away with it in Broadway, or in a ball-room, and it is im- 
mediately declared to be the style. 

The modes of attaining this certain situation, which entitle its 
holder to style, are various and opposite : the most ostensible is 
the attainment of wealth, the possession of which changes at 
once the pert airs of vulgar ignorance into fashionable ease and 
elegant vivacity. It is highly amusing to observe the gradation 
of a famil^y aspiring to style, and the devious windings they 
pursue in order to attain it. "VVhile beating up against wind and 
tide, they are the most complaisant beings in the world ; — tliey 



90 SALMAGUNDI. 

keep "booing aund booing," as M'Sj^cophant says, until j'-qu would 
suppose them incapable of standing upright; they kiss their hands 
to every body who has the least claim to style ; their familiarity 
is intolerable, and they absolutely overwhelm you with their 
friendship and loving kindness. But having once gained the 
envied pre-eminence, never were beings in the world more 
changed. They assume the most intolerable caprices: at one 
time, address you with importunate sociability ; at another, pass 
you by with silent indifference ; sometimes sit up in their chairs 
in all the majesty of dignified silence ; and at another time bounce 
about with all the obstreperous ill-bred noise of a little hoyden 
just broke loose from a boarding-school. 

Another feature which distinguishes these new-made fashion- 
ables, is the inveteracy with which they look down upon the 
honest people who are struggling to climb up to the same envied 
height. They never fail to salute them with the most sarcastic 
reflections ; and like so many worthy hodmen, clambering a lad- 
der, each one looks down upon his next neighbor below, and 
makes no scruple of shaking the dust off" his shoes into his eyes. 
Thus by dint of perseverance, merely, they come to be considered 
as established denizens of the great world ; as in some barbarous 
nations an oyster shell is of sterling value, and a copper washed 
counter will pass current for genuine gold. 

In no instance have I seen this grasping after style more whim- 
sically exhibited, than in the family of my old acquaintance, 
Timothy Giblet. I recollect old Giblet when I was a boy, and 
he was the most surly curmudgeon I ever knew. He was a per- 
fect scare-crow to the small-fry of the day, and inherited the 
hatred of all these unlucky little shavers: for never could we 
assemble about his door of an evening to play, and make a little 
hubbub, but out he sallied from his nest like a spider, flourished 
his formidable horse-whip, and dispersed the whole crew in the 
twinkling of a lamp. I perfectly remember a bill he sent in to 
my father for a pane of glass I had accidentally broken, which 
came well nigh getting me a sound flogging ; and I remember as 
perfectly that the next night I revenged myself by breaking half 
a dozen. 

Giblet was as arrant a grub worm as ever crawled; and the 
only rules of right and wrong he cared a button for, were the 
rules of multiplication and addition, which he practised much more 
successfully than he did any of the rules of religion or morality. 
He used to declare they were the true golden rules ; and he took 
special care to put Cocker's arithmetic in the hands of his child- 
ren, before they had read ten pages in the Bible or the Prayer- 
book. The practice of these favorite maxims was at length 
crowmed with the harvest of success; and after a life of self- 
denial and starvation, and after enduring all the pounds, shillings, 
and pence miseries of a miser, he had the satisfaction of seeing 
himself worth a plum, and of dying just as he had determined to 



SALMAGUNDI. §1, 

enjoy the remainder of his days in contemplating his great wealth 
and accumulating mortgages. 

His children inherited his money ; but they buried the dispo- 
sition, and eveiy other memorial of their father in his grave. 
Fired with a noble thirst for style, they instantly emerged from 
the retired lane in which themselves and their accomplishments 
had hitherto been buried ; and they blazed, and they whizzed, and 
they cracked about town, like a nest of squibs and devils in a 
firework. I can hken their sudden eclat to nothing but that of 
the locust, which is hatched in the dust, where it increases and 
swells up to maturity, and after feeling for a moment the vivifying 
Ta.ys of the sun, bursts forth a mighty insect, and flutters, and 
rattles, and buzzes from every tree. The little warblers who have 
long cheered the woodlands with their dulcet notes, are stun- 
ned by the discordant racket of these upstart intruders, and 
contemplate, in contemptuous silence, their tinsel and their 
noise. 

Having once started, the Giblets were determined that nothing 
should stop them in their career, until they had run their full 
course, and arrived at the very tiptop of style. Every taylor, 
every shoemaker, every coachmaker, every milliner, every mantua- 
maker, every paper-hanger, every piano teacher, and every 
dancing master in the city, were enlisted in their service ; and 
the willing wights most courteously answered their call ; and fell 
to work to build up the fame of the Giblets, as they had done 
that of many an aspiring family before them. In a little time the 
young ladies could dance the waltz, thunder Lodoiska, murder 
French, kill time, and commit violence on the face of nature in a 
landscape in water-coloi-s, equal to the best lady in the land; and 
the young gentlemen were seen lounging at corners of streets, and 
driving tandem ; heard talking loud at the theatre, and laugliing 
in church, with as m.uch ease, and grace, and modesty, as if they 
had been gentlemen all the days of their lives. 

And the Giblets arrayed themselves in scarlet, and in fine 
linen, and seated themselves in high places ; but nobody noticed 
them except to honor them with a little contempt. The Gibletrt 
made a prodigious splash in their own opinion ; but nobody ex- 
tolled them except the tailors, and the milliners who had been 
employed in manufacturing their paraphernalia. The Giblets 
thereupon being, like Caleb Quotera, determined to have " a place 
at the review," fell to work more fiercely than ever; they gave 
dinners, and they gave balls, they hired cooks, they hired fiddlers, 
tliey hired confectioners ; and they would have kept a newspaper 
in pay, had they not been all bought up at that time for the elec- 
tion. They invited the dancing-men and the dancing- women and 
the gormandizers and the epicures of the city to come and make 
merry at their expense ; and the dancing-men, and the dancing- 
women, and the epicures, and the gormandizers did come ; and 
they did make merry at theu- expense ; and they eat, and they 



92 SALMAGUNDI. 

drank, and they capered, and they danced, and they — laughed at 
their entertainers. 

Then commenced the hurry and the bustle, and the mighty no- 
thingness of fashionable hfe ; such rattling in coaches I such 
flaunting in the streets 1 such slamming of box doors at the 
theatre I such a tempest of bustle and unmeaning noise wherever 
they appeared I the Giblets were seen here and there and every- 
where ; they visited everybody they knew, and everybody they 
did not know; and there was no getting along for the Giblets. 
Their plan at length succeeded. By dint of dinners, of feeding 
and frolicking the town, the Giblet family worked themselves into 
notice, and enjoyed the ineffable pleasure of being for ever pestered 
by visitors, who cared nothing about them ; of being squeezed, 
and smothered, and parboiled at nightly balls and evening tea- 
parties ; they were allowed the privilege of forgetting the very 
few old friends they once possessed ; they turned their noses up in 
the wind at everything that was not genteel ; and their superb 
manners and subhme affectation at length left it no longer a mat- 
ter of doubt that the Giblets were perfectly in style. 



" Being, as it were, a small contentmente in a never contenting snb- 

jecte; a bitter pleasaunte taste of a sweete seasoned sower; and, all in 
all, a more than ordinarie rejoycing, in an extraordinarie sorrow of de- 
lyghts." 

Link. FiDELnrs. 

We have been considerably edified of late by several letters of 
advice from a number of sage correspondents, who really seem to 
know more about our work than we do ourselves. One warns u% 
against saying any thing more about Snivers, who is a very par 
ticular friend of the writer, and who has a singular disinclination 
to be laughed at. This correspondent in particular inveighs 
against personalities, and accuses us of ill-nature in bringing for- 
ward old Fungus and Billy Dimple, as figures of fun to amuse the 
public. Another gentleman, who states that he is a near relation 
of the Cocklofts, proses away most soporificaUy on the impropri- 
ety of ridiculing a respectable old family ; and declares that if we 
make them and their whim-whams the subject of any more essays, 
he shall be under the necessity of applying to our theatrical cham- 
pions for satisfaction. A third, who by the crabbedness of the 
hand-writing, and a few careless inaccuracies in the spelling, 
appears to be a lady, assures us that the Miss Cocklofts, and Miss 
Diana Wearwell, and Miss Dashaway, and Mrs. WiU Wi- 
zard's quondam flame, are so much obliged to us for our notice, 
that they intend in future to take no notice of us at all, but leave 



SALMAGUNDI. 93 

US out of all their tea-parties, for which we make them one of our 
best bows, and say, " thank you, ladies." 

"We wish to heaven these good people would attend to their 
own affairs, if they have any to attend to, and let us alone. It is 
one of thfi most provoking things in the world that we cannot 
tickle the public a little, merely for our own private amusement, 
but we must be crossed and jostled by these meddling incendi- 
aries, and, in fact, have the whole town about our ears. We are 
much in the same situation with an unlucky blade of a cockney, 
who, having mounted his bit of blood to enjoy a little innocent 
recreation, and display his horsemanship along Broadway, is 
worried by all those little yelping curs that infest our city, and 
who never fail to saUy out and growl, and bark, and snarl, to the 
great annoyance of the Birmingham equestrian. 

Wisely was it said by the sage Linkum Fidelius, " howbeit, 
moreover, nevertheless, this thrice wicked towne is charged up 
to the muzzle with all manner of ill-natures and uncharitable- 
nesses, and is, moreover, exceedinglie naughte." This passage 
of the erudite Linkum was applied to the city of Gotham, of 
which he was once Lord Mayor, as appears by his picture hung 
up in the hall of that ancient city ; but his observation fits this 
best of all possible citie's " to a hair." It is a melancholy truth 
that this same New York, though the most charming, pleasant, 
polished, and praise-worthy city under the sun, and in a word the 
ionne bouche of the universe, is most shockingly ill-natured and 
sarcastic, and wickedly giveu to all manner of backslidings ; for 
which we are very sorry, indeed. In truth, for it must come out 
like murder, one time or other, the inhabitants ai'e not only ill- 
natured, but manifestly unjust ; no sooner do they get one of our 
random sketches in their hands, but instantly they apply it most 
unjustifiably to some " dear friend," and then accuse us vocife- 
rously of the personality which originated in their own officious 
friendship ! Truly it is an ill-natured town, and most earnestly do 
we hope it may not meet with the fate of Sodom and Gomorrah 
of old. 

As, however, it may be thought incumbent upon us to make 
some apology for these mistakes of the town ; and as our good- 
nature is truly exemplary, we would certainly answer this expec- 
tation were it not that we have an invincible antipathy to making 
apologies. We have a most profound contempt for any man who 
cannot give three good reasons for an unreasonable thing ; and 
will therefore condescend, as usual, to give the public three 
special reasons for never apologizing : — first, an apology implies 
that we are accountable to somebody or another for our conduct ; 
now, as we do not care a fiddle-stick, as authors, for either public 
opinion or private ill-will, it would be implying a falsehood to 
apologize : — second, an apology would indicate that we had been 
doing what we ought not to have done. Now as we never did 
nor ever intend to do anv thinQ: wrong:, it would be ridiculous to 



94 SALMAGUNDI. 

make an apology : — third, we labor under the same incapacity in 
the art of apologizing that lost Langstaflf his mistress ; we never 
yet undertook to make apology without committing a new offence, 
and making matters ten times worse than they were before ; and 
we are, therefore, determined to avoid such predicaments in 
future. 

But though we have resolved never to apologize, yet we have 
no particular objection to explain ; and if this is all that's wanted, 

we will go about it directly : aUons^ gentlemen ! before, 

however, we enter upon this serious affair, we take this opportu- 
nity to express our surprise and indignation at the incredulity of 
some people. — Have we not, over and over, assured the town 
that we are three of the best natured fellows living ? And is it 
not astonishing, that having already given seven convincing 
proofs of the truth of this assurance, they should still liave any 
doubts on the subject ? but as it is one of the impossible things 
to make a knave believe in honesty, so, perhaps, it may be another 
to make this most sarcastic, satirical, and tea-drinking city believe 

in the existence of good-nature. But to our explanation. 

Gentle reader ! for we are convinced that none but gentle or gen- 
teel readers can relish our excellent productions, if thou art in ex- 
pectation of being perfectly satisfied with what we are about to 
say, thou may est as well " whistle lillebullero " and skip quite 
over what follows ; for never wight was more disappointed than 
thou wilt be most assuredly. — But to the explanation : We care 
just as much about the public and its wise conjectures, as we do 
about the man in the moon and his whim-wham ; or the criti- 
cisms of the lady who sits majestically in her elbow-chair in the 
lobster ; and wlio, belying her sex, as we are credibly informed, 
never says any thing wortli listening to. We have launched our 
bark, and we will steer to our destined port with undeviating 
perseverance, fearless of being shipwrecked by the way. Good- 
nature is our steersman, reason our ballast, whim the breeze that 
wafts us along, and morality our leading star. 



SAIiMAGUNDI. 95 



NO. IX.— SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 1807. 

PROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

It in some measure jumps with my humor to be " melancholy 
and gentleman-like" this stormy night, and I see no reason why I 
should not indulge myself for once. Away, then, with joke, with 
fun, and laughter, for a whUe ; let my soul look back in mournful 
retrospect, and sadden with the memory of my good aunt Charity 
— who died of a Frenchman 1 

Stare not, oh most dubious reader, at the mention of a com- 
plaint so uncommon; grievously hath it afSicted the ancient 
family of the Cocklofts, who carry their absurd antipathy to the 
French so far, that they will not suffer a clove of garlic in the 
house ; and my good old friend Christopher was once on the point 
of abandoning his paternal country mansion of Cockloft-hall, 
merely because a colony of frogs had settled in a neighboring 
swamp. I verily believe he would have carried his whim-wham 
into effect, had not a fortunate drought obhged the enemy to 
strike their tents, and, like a troop of wandering Arabs, to march 
off towards a moister part of the country. 

My aunt Charity departed this life in the fifly-ninth year of her 
age, though she never grew older after twenty -five. In her teens 
she was, according to her own account, a celebrated beauty — 
though I never could meet with anybody that remembered when 
she was handsome ; on the contrary. Evergreen's father, who used 
to gaUant her in his youth, says slie was as knotty a httle piece of 
humanity as he ever saw ; and that, if she had been possessed of 
the least sensibility, she would, like poor old Acco^ have most cer- 
tainly run mad at her own figure and face the first time she con- 
templated herself in a looking-glass. In the good old times that 
saw my aunt in the heyday of youth, a fine lady was a most for- 
midable animal, and required to be approached with the same awe 
and devotion that a Tartar feels in the presence of his Grand 
Lama. If a gentleman offered to take her hand, except to help 
her into a carriage, or lead her into a drawing-room, such frowns ! 
such a rustling of brocade and tafifeta ! her very paste shoe- 
buckles sparkled with indignation, and for a moment assumed the 
brilliancy of diamonds : in those days the person of a belle was 
sacred ; it was unprofaned by the sacrilegious grasp of a stranger: 
simple souls I — they had not the waltz among them yet ! 

My good aunt prided herself on keeping up this buckram deli- 
cacy ; and if she happened to be playing at the old-fashioned 



96 SALMAGUNDI. 

game of forfeits, and was fined a kiss' it was always more trouble 
to get it than it was worth ; for she made a most gallant defence, 
and never surrendered until she saw her adversary inclined to 
give over liis attack. Evergreen's father says he remembers once 
to have been on a sleighing party with her, and when they came 
to Kissing-bridge, it fell to his lot to levy contributions on Miss 
Charity Cockloft, who after squalling at a hideous rate, at length 
jumped out of the sleigh plump into a snow-bank, where she stuck 
flist like an icicle, until he came to her rescue. This latonian 
feat cost her a rheumatism, which she never thoroughly recovered. 
It is rather singular that my aunt, though a great beauty, and 
an heiress withal, never got married. The reason she alleged 
was, that she never met with a lover who resembled Sir Charles 
Grandison, the hero of her nightly dreams and waking fancy ; but 
I am privately of opinion that it was owing to her never having 
had an oQer. This much is certain, that for many years previous 
to her decease, she declined all attentions from the gentlemen, 
and contented herself with watching over the welfare of her fel- 
low-creatures. She was, indeed, observed to take a considerable 
lean towards methodism, was frequent in her attendance at love 
feasts, read Whitfield and "Wesley, and even went so far as once 
to travel the distance of five and twenty mDes to be present at a 
camp-meeting. This gave great offence to my cousin Christopher, 
and his good lady, who, as I have already mentioned, are rigidly 
orthodox ; and had not my aunt Charity been of a most pacific 
disposition, her rehgious whim-wham would have occasioned 
many a family altercation. She was, indeed, as good a soul as 
the Cockloft family ever boasted ; a lady of unbounded loving- 
kindness, which extended to man, woman, and child; many of 
whom she almost killed with good nature. Was any acquaint- 
ance sick ? In vain did the wmd whistle and the storm beat ; my 
aunt would waddle through mud and mire, over the whole town, 
but what she would visit them. She would sit by them for hours 
together with the most persevering patience, and tell a thousand 
melancholy stories of human misery, to keep up their spirits. 
The whole catalogue of yerh teas was at her fingers' ends, from- 
formidable wormwood dovm to gentle balm ; and she would de- 
scant by the hour on the healing qualities of hoar-hound, catnip, 
and penny-royal. Woe be to the patient that came under the 
benevolent hand of my aunt Charity ; he was sure, willy-nilly, to 
be drenched with a deluge of decoctions ; and full many a tune 
has my cousin Christopher borne a twinge of pain in silence, 
through fear of being condemned to suffer the martyrdom of her 
materia-medica. My good aunt had, moreover, considerable skill 
in astronomy, for she could tell when the sun rose and set ever}'- 
day in the year; and no woman in the whole world was able to 
pronounce with more certainty, at what precise minute the moon 
changed. She held the story of the moon's being made of green 
cheese, as an abominable slander on her favorite planet ; and she 



SALIIAGUNDI. 9t 

had made several valuable discoveries in solar eclipses, by means 
of a bit of burnt glass, which entitled her at least to an honorary 
admission in the American Philosophical Society. Hutching's 
Improved was her favorite book ; and I shrewdly suspect that it 
was from this valuable work she drew most of her sovereign re- 
medies for colds, coughs, corns, and consumptions. 

But the truth must be told. With all her good qualities my 
aunt Charity was afflicted with one fault, extremely rare among 
her gentle sex ; — it was curiosity. How she came by it, I am at 
a loss to imagine, but it played the very vengeance with her and 
destroyed the comfort of her life. Having an invincible desire to 
know everybody's character, business, and mode of living, she 
was for ever prj'ing into the affairs of her neighbors ; and got a 
great deal of ill will from people towards whom she had the 
kindest disposition possible. If any family on the opposite side 
of the street gave a dinner; my aunt would mount her spectacles, 
and sit at the window until the company were all housed, merely 
that she might know who they were. If she heard a story about 
any of her acquaintance, she would, forthwith, set off, full sail, 
and never rest until, to use her usual expression, she had got " to 
the bottom of it;" which meant nothing more than telling it to 
everybody she knew. 

I remember one night my aunt Charity happened to hear a 
most precious story about one of her good friends, but unfortu- 
nately too late to give it immediate circulation. It made her ab- 
solutely miserable ; and she hardly slept a wink all night, for fear 
her bosom-friend, Mrs. Sipkins, should get the start of her in the 
morning and blow the whole affair. You must know there was 
always a contest between these two ladies, who should first give 
currency to the good-natured things said about everybody ; and 
this unfortunate rivalship at length proved fatal to their long and 
ardent friendship. My aunt got up full two hours that morning 
before her usual time ; put on her pompadour taffeta gown, and 
sallied forth to lament the misfortune of her dear friend. Would 
you believe it ! — wherever she went Mrs. Sipkins had anticipated 
her ; and, instead of being listened to with uplifted hands and 
open-mouthed wonder, my unhappy aunt was obliged to sit down 
quietly and listen to the whole affair, with numerous additions, 
alterations and amendments ! Now this was too bad ; it would 
almost have provoked Patient Grizzle or a saint : — it was too much 
for my aunt, who kept her bed for three days aft;erwards, with a 
cold, as she pretended ; but I have no doubt it was owing to this 
affair of Mrs. Sipkins, to whom she never wouldbe reconciled. 

But I pass over the rest of my aunt Charity's life, chequered 
with the various calamities and misfortunes and mortifications, 
incident to those worthy old gentlewomen who have the domestic 
cares of the v/hole community upon their minds ; and I hasten to 
relate the melancholy incident that hurried her out of existence 
in the full bloom of antiquated virginitv. 

7 



98 SALMAGUNDI. 

In their frolicksome malice the fates had ordered that a French 
boarding-house, or PensioJi Francaise, as it was called, should be 
established directly opposite my aunt's residence. Cruel event ! 
unliappy aunt Charity 1 — it threw her into that alarming disorder 
denominated the fidgets ; she did nothing but watch at the win- 
dow day after day, but without becoming one whit the wiser at 
the end of a fortnight than she was at the beginning ; she thought 
tliat neighbor Pension had a monstrous large familj'-, and some- 
how or other they were all men I she could not imagine what 
business neighbor Pension followed to support so numerous a 
houseliold ; and wondered why there was always such a scraping 
of fiddles in the parlor, and such a smell of onions from neighbor 
Pension's kitchen; in short, neighbor Pension was continually 
uppermost in her thoughts, and incessantly on the outer edge of 
her tongue. This was, I believe, the very first time she had ever 
failed " to get at the bottom of a thing ;" and the disappointment 
cost her many a sleepless night, I warrant you. I have little 
doubt, however, that my aunt would have ferreted neighbor 
Pension out, could she have spoken or understood French ; but 
in those times people in general could make themselves under- 
stood in plain English ; and it was always a standing rule in the 
Cockloft family, which exists to this day, that not one of the 
females should learn French. 

My aunt Charity had lived, at her window, for some time in 
vain ; when one day as she was keeping her usual look-out, and 
suffering all the pangs of unsatisfied curiosity, she beheld a little 
meagre weazel-faced Frenchman, of the most forlorn, diminutive 
and pitiful proportions, arrive at neighbor Pension's door. lie 
was dressed in white, with a little pinched-up cocked hat ; he 
seemed to shake in the wind, and every blast that went over him 
whistled through his bones and threatened instant annihilation. 
This embodied spirit-of-famine was followed by three carts, lum- 
bered with crazy trunks, chests, band-boxes, bidets, medicine- 
chests, parrots and monkeys ; and at his heels ran a yelping pack 
of httlo black-nosed pug dogs. This was the one thing wanting 
to fill up the measure of my aunt Charity's afflictions ; she could 
not conceive, for the soul of her, who this mysterious little appa- 
rition could be that made so great a display ; what he could pos- 
sibly do with so much baggage, and particularly with his parrots 
and monkeys ; or how so small a carcass could have occasion for 
so many trunks of clothes. Honest soul ! she had never had a peep 
into a Frenchman's wardrobe ; that dejjot of old coats, hats, and 
breeches, of the growth of every fashion he has followed inhis 
life. 

From the time of this fatal arrival, my poor aunt was in a 
quandary; — aU. her inquiries were fruitless; no one could ex- 
pound the history of this mysterious stranger : she never held up 
her head afterwards, — drooped daily, took to her bed in a fort- 
night, and in "one little month" T saw her r|niot]y deposited in 



SAL^JAGUXDI. 9D 

the family vault : — being- the seventh Cockloft that has died of a 
^s'hira-^vham ! 

Take warning, my fair countrywomen ! and you, oh, ye excel- 
lent ladies, whether married or single, who pry into other peo- 
ple's aftairs and neglect those of your own household ; — who are 
so busily employed in observing the faults of others that you 
have no time to correct your own ; — remember the fate of my 
dear aunt Charity, and eschew the evil spirit of curiosity. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I FIND, by perusal of our last number, that Will Wizard and 
EvERGREEX, taking advantage of my confinement, have been 
playing some of their gambols. I suspected these rogues of some 
mal-practices, in consequence of their queer looks and knowing 
winks whenever I came down to dinner : and of their not show- 
ing their faces at old Cockloft's for several days, after the appear- 
ance of their precious eflusions. Whenever these two waggish 
fellows lay their heads together, there is always sure to be hatched 
some notable piece of mischief; which, if it tickles nobody else, 
is sure to make its authors merry. The public will take notice 
that, for the purpose of teaching these my associates better man- 
ners, and punishing them for their high misdemeanors, I have, by 
virtue of my authority, suspended them from all interference in 
Salmagundi, until they show a proper degree of repentance ; or 
I get tired of supporting the burthen of the work mj^self. I am 
sorry for Will, who is already sufficiently mortified in not daring 
to come to the old house, and tell his long stories and smoke his 
Begar ; but Evergreen, being an old beau, may solace himself in 
ills disgrace by trimming up all his old finery and making love to 
the little girls. 

At present my right hand man is cousin Pindar, whom I have 
taken into high favor. He came home the other night all in a 
blaze like a sky-rocket — whisked up to his room in a paroxysm 
of poetic inspiration, nor did we see any thing of him untQ late 
the next morning, when he bounced upon us at breakfast, 

" Fire in eacli eye — and paper in each hand." 

This is just the way with Pindar, he is like a volcano : will remain 
for a long time silent without emitting a suigle spark, and then, all 
at once, burst out in a tremendous explosion of rhyme and rhapsody. 

As the letters of my friend Mustapha seem to excite considera- 
ble curiosity, I have subjoined another. I do not vouch for the 



100 SALMAGUNDI. 

justice of his remarks, or the correctness of liis conclusions ; they 
are full of the blunders and errors in which strangers continually 
indulge, who pretend to give an account of this country before 
they well know the geography of the street in which they live. 
The copies of my friend's papers being confused and without date, 
I cannot pretend to give them in systematic order ; — in fact, they 
seem now and then to treat of matters which have occurred since 
his departure: whether these are sly interpolations of the med- 
dlesome wight Will Wizard, or whether honest Mustapha was 
gifted with the spirit of prophecy or second sight, I neither know 
— nor in fact do I care. The following seems to have been writ- 
ten when the Tripolitan prisoners were so much annoyed by the 
ragged state of their wardrobe. Mustapha feelingly depicts the 
embarrassments of his situation, traveller like; makes an easy 
transition from his breeches to the seat of government, and incon- 
tinently abuses the whole administration ; like a sapient traveller 
I once knew, who damned the French nation in to to — because 
they eat sugar with green peas. 



LETTER PROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRI- 
VER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLL 

Sweet, oh, Asem I is the memory of distant friends I like the 
mellow ray of a departing sun it falls tenderly yet sadly on the 
heart. Every hour of absence from my native land rolls heavily 
by, like the sandy wave of the desert ; and the fair shores of my 
country rise blooming to my imagination, clothed in the soft illu- 
sive charms of distance. I sigh, yet no one listens to the sigh of 
the captive ; I shed the bitter tear of recollection, but no one 
sympathizes in the tear of the turbaned stranger ! Think not, 
however, thou brother of my soul, that I complain of the horrors 
of my situation ; — think not that my captivity is attended with 
the labors, the chains, the scourges, the insults, that render sla- 
very, with us, more dreadful than the pangs of hesitating, Imger- 
ing death. Light, indeed, are the restraints on the personal free- 
dom of thy kinsman ; but who can enter into the afiQictions of the 
mind ? — who can describe the agonies of the heart ? they are 
mutable as the clouds of the an* — they are countless as the waves 
that divide me from my native country. 

I have, of late, my dear Asem, labored under an inconvenience 
singularly unfortunate, and am reduced to a dilemma most ridi- 
culously embarrassing. Why should T hide it from the companion 



SALMAGUNDI. J 01 

of my thoughts, the partner of my sorrows and my pys ? Alas I 
Asem, thy friend Mustapha, the invmcil>le captain of a ketch, is 
sadly in want of a pair of breeches I Thou wilt doubtless smile, 
oh, most grave Mussulman, to hear me indulge in such ardent 
lamentations about a circumstance so trivial, and a want appa- 
rently so easy to be satisfied : but little canst thou know of the 
mortifications attending my necessities, and the astonishing diffi- 
culty of supplying them. Honored by the smiles and attentions 
of the beautiful ladies of this city, wlio have fallen in love with 
my wliiskers and my turban ; courted by the bashaws and the 
great men, who delight to have me at then- feasts ; the honor of 
my company eagerly solicited by every fiddler who gives a con- 
cert ; think of my chagrin at being obliged to decline the host of 
invitations that daily overwhelm me, merely for want of a pair of 
breeches ! Ob, Allah 1 Allah I that thy disciples could come into 
the world all befeathered like a bantam, or with a pair of leather 
breeches like the wild deer of the forest ! Surely, my friend, it is 
the destiny of man to be for ever subjected to petty evils, which, 
however trifling in appearance, pray in silence on his little pit- 
tance of enjoyment, and poison those moments of sunshine, which 
might otherwise be consecrated to happiness. 

The want of a garment, thou wilt say, is easily supplied ; and 
thou mayst suppose need only be mentioned, to be remedied 
at once by any tailor of the land : little canst thou conceive 
the impediments which stand in the way of my comfort; and 
still less art thou acquainted with the prodigious great scale 
on which everything is transacted in this country. The nation 
moves most majestically slow and clumsy in the most trivial 
affairs, like the unwieldy elephant which makes a formidable 
difficulty of picking up a straw ! When I hinted my necessities 
to the officer, who has charge of myself and my companions, I 
expected to have them forthwith relieved; but he made an 
amazing long face, told me that we Vv^ere prisoners of state, that 
we must therefore be clothed at the expense of government ; that 
as no provision had been made by congress for any emergency of 
the kind, it was impossible to furnish me with a pair of breeches, 
until all the sages of the nation had been convened to talk over 
the matter, and debate upon the expediency of granting my 
request. Sword of the immortal Khalid, thought I, but this is 
great ! this is truly sublime ! All the sages of an immense logo- 
cracy assembled together to talk about my breeches ! Vain 
mortal that I am I — I cannot but own I was somewhat recon- 
ciled to the delay, which must necessarily attend this method of 
clothing me, by the consideration that if they made the affair a 
national act, my "name must of course be embodied in history," 
and myself and my breeches flourish to immortality in the annals 
of this mighty empire ! 

"But pray," said I, "how does it happen that a matter so 
iiisig-nificant should be erected into an object of such importance, 



102 SALMAGUNDI, 

as to employ the representative wisdom of the nation ; and what 
is the cause of their talking so much about a tritle?" "Oh,',' 
replied the officer, who acts as our slave-driver, " it all proceeds 
from economy. If the government did not spend ten times as 
much money in debating whether it was proper to supply you 
with breeches, as the breeches themselves would cost, the people 
who govern the bashaw and his divan would straightway begin to 
complain of their liberties being infringed ; the national finances 
squandered! not a hostile slang- whanger, throughout the logo- 
cracy, but would burst forth like a barrel of combustion ; and ten 
chances to one but the bashaw and the sages of his divan would 
all be turned out of office together. My good Mussulman," con- 
tinued he, " the administration have the good of the people too 
much at heart to trifle with their pockets ; and they would sooner 
assemble and talk away ten thousand dollars, than expend fifty 
silently out of the treasury; such is the wonderful spirit of 
economy that pervades every branch of this government." " But," 
said I, "how is it possible they can spend money in talking? 
surely words cannot be the current coin of this country?" 
"Truly," cried he, smiling, "your question is pertinent enough, 
for words indeed often supply the place of cash among us, and 
many an honest debt is paid in promises; but the fact is, the 
grand bashaw and the members of congress, or grand-talkers-of- 
the-nation, either receive a yearly salary, or are paid by the day." 
" By the nine hundred tongues of the great beast of Mahomet's 
vision, but the murder is out : — it is no wonder these honest men 
talk so much about nothing, when they are paid for talking, like 
day-laborers." "You are mistaken," said my driver; "it is 
nothing but economy !" 

I remained silent for some minutes, for this inexplicable word, 
economy, always discomfits me ; and when I flatter myself I have 
grasped it, it slips through my fingers like a jack-o'-lantern. I 
have not, nor perhaps ever shall acquire, sufficient of the philoso- 
phic policy of this government to draw a proper distinction be- 
tween an individual and a nation. If a man was to throw away 
a pound in order to save a beggarly penny, and boast at the 
same time of his econom}^, I should think him on a par with the 
fool in the fable of Alfangi, who, in skinning a flint worth a far- 
thing, spoiled a knife worth fifty times the sum, and thought he 
had acted wisely. The shrewd fellow would doubtless have 
valued himself much more highly on his economy, could he have 
known that his example would one day be followed by the ba- 
shaw of America and the sages of his divan. 

This economic disposition, my friend, occasions much fighting 
of the spirit, and innumerable contests of the tongue in this talk- 
ing assembly. Wouldst thou believe it ? they were actually em- 
ployed for a whole week in a most strenuous and eloquent debate 
about patching up a hole in the wall of the room appropriated to 
their meetings! A vast profusion of nervous argument and pom- 



SALMAGUNDI. 103 

pous declamation was expended on the occasion. Some of the 
orators, I am told, being rather waggishly inclined, were most 
stupidly j-ocular on the occasion ; but their waggery gave great 
offence, and was highly reprobated by the more weighty part of 
the assembly, who hold all wit and humor in abomination, and 
thought the business in hand much too solemn and serious to be 
treated lightly. It is supposed by some that this affair would 
have occupied a whole winter, as it was a subject upon whicli 
several gentlemen spoke who had never been known to open 
their lips in that place, except to say yes and no. These silent 
members are, by way of distinction, denominated orator mums, 
and are highly valued in this country on account of their great 
talents for silence; — a quahfication extremely rare in a logocracy. 

Fortunately for the public tranquillity, in the hottest part of the 
debate, when two rampant Virginians, brimful of logic and philo- 
sophy, were measuring tongues, and syllogistically cudgelling 
each other out of their unreasonable notions, the president of the 
divan, a knowing old gentleman, one night slyly sent a mason, 
with a hod of mortar, who, in the course of a few minutes, closed 
up the hole, and put a final end to the argument. Thus did this 
wise old gentleman, by hitting on a most simple expedient, in all 
probability, save his country as much money as would build a 
gunboat, or pay a hireling slang-whanger for a whole volume of 
words. As it happened, only a few thousand dollars were ex- 
pended in paying these men, who are denominated, I suppose in 
derision, legislators. 

Another instance of their economy, I relate with pleasure, for I 
really begin to feel a regard for these poor barbarians. They 
talked away the best part of a whole winter before they could de- 
termine not to expend a few dollars in purchasing a sword to be- 
stow on an illustrious warrior ; yes, Asem, on that very hero who 
frightened all our poor old women and young children at Derne, 
and fully proved himself a greater man than the mother that bore 
him. Thus, my friend, is the whole collective wisdom of this 
mighty logocracy employed in somniferous debates about the most 
trivial affairs ; like I have sometimes seen a herculean mounte- 
bank exerting all his energies in balancing a straw upon his nose. 
Their sages behold the minutest object with the microscopic eyes 
of a pismire ; mole-hills swell into mountains, and a grain of nms- 
tard seed will set the whole ant-liill in a hubbub. Whether this 
indicates a capacious vision or a diminutive mind, I leave thee to 
decide ; for my part, I consider it as another proof of the great 
scale on which everything is transacted in this country. 

I have before told thee that nothing can be done without con- 
sulting the sages of the nation, who compose the assembly called 
the congress. This prolific body may not improperlj'' be termed 
the " mother of inventions;" and a most fruitful mother it is, let 
me tell thee, though its children are generally abortions. It bas 
lately labored with what was deemed the conception of a iniglil}- 



10-1 SALMAGUNDI. 

navy. All the old women and the good wives that assist the ba- 
shaw ill his emergencies, hurried to head-quarters to be busy, like 
midwives, at the delivery. All was anxiety, fidgetting, and con- 
sultation; when, after a deal of groaning and struggling, in- 
stead of formidable first-rates and gallant frigates, out crept a lit- 
ter of sorry little gunboats I These are most jjitiful Httle vessels, 
partaking vastly of the character of the grand bashaw, who has 
the credit of begetting them — being flat shallow vessels that can 
only sail before the wind — must always keep in with the laud — 
are continually foundering or running ashore — and, in short, are 
only fit for smooth water. Though intended for the defence of 
the maritime cities, yet the cities are obliged to defend them; and 
they require as much nursing as so many ricket}^ little bantlings. 
They are, however, the darling pets of the grand bashaw, being 
the children of his dotage, and, perhaps, from their dnuinutive size 
and palpable weakness, are called the " infent navy of America." 
The act that brought them into existence was almost deified by 
the majority of the people as a grand stroke of economy. By the 
beard of Mahomet, but this word is truly inexphcable. 

To this economic body, therefore, was I advised to address my 
petition, and humbly to pray that the august assembly of sages 
would, in the plenitude of theu- wisdom and the magnitude of 
their powers, munificently bestow on an unfortunate captive, a 
pair of cotton breeches! "Head of the immortal Amrou," cried 
I, " but this would be presumptuous to a degree ; — what I after 
these worthies have thought proper to leave their country naked 
and defenceless, and exposed to all the political storms that rattle 
without, can I expect that they will lend a helping hand to com- 
fort the extremities of a solitary captive?" My exclamation was 
only answered by a smile, and I was consoled by the assurance 
that, so far from being neglected, it was every way probable my 
breeches might occupy a whole session of the divan, and set 
several of the longest heads together by the ears. Flattering as 
was the idea of a whole nation being agitated about my breeches, 
yet I own I was somewhat dismayed at the idea of remaining in 
querpo, until all the national gray-beards should have made a 
speech on the occasion, and given their consent to the measure. 
The embarrassment and distress of mind which I experienced 
was visible in my countenance, and my guard, who is a man of 
infinite good-nature, immediately suggested, as a more expedi- 
tious plan of supplying my wants, a benefit at the theatre. 
Though profoundly ignorant of his meaning, I agreed to his pro- 
position, the result of which I shall disclose to thee in another 
letter. 

Fare thee well, dear Asem ; in thy pious prayers to our great 
prophet, never forget to solicit thy friend's return; and when 
thou numberest up the many blessings bestowed on thee by all- 
bountiful Allah, pour forth thy gratitude that he has cast thy 
nativitv in a land where there is no assembly of legislative chat- 



SALMAGUXDI. 2(j5 

terers ; no great bashaw, who bestrides a gmi-boat for a hobby- 
horse ; where the word economy is unknown, and where an 
unfortunate captive is not obhged to call upon the whole nation 
to cut him out a pair of breeches. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



FROM THE MILL OE PIXDAR COCKLOET, ESQ. 

Though enter'd on that sober age, 

When men withdraw from fashion°s 'stage, 

And leave the follies of the day. 

To shape their course a graver way ; 

Still those gay scenes I loiter round. 

In which my youth sweet transport found : 

And though I feel their joys decay, 

And languish every hour away,— 

Yet like an exile doom'd to part, 

From the dear country of his heart. 

From the fair spot in which he sprung, 

Where his first notes of love were sung, 

Will often turn to wave the hand, 

And sigh his blessings on the land ; 

Just so my lingering watch I keep — 
Thus oft I take my farewell peep. 

And, like that pilgrim, who retreats, 
Thus lagging from his parent seats. 
When the sad thought pervades his mind, 
That the fair land he leaves behind 
Is ravaged by a foreign foe, 
Its cities waste, its temples low, 
And mined all those haunts of joy 
That gave him rapture when a boy ; 
Turns from it with averted eye, 
And while he heaves the anguish'd sigh, 
Scarce feels regret that the loved shore 
Shall beam upon his sight no more ; 
Just so it grieves my soul to view. 
While breathing forth a fond adieu, 
The innovations pride has made, 
The fustian, frippery, and parade, 
That now usurp with mawkish grace 
Pure tranquil pleasure's wonted place I 
'Twas joy we look'd for in mv prime, 
That idol of the olden time ; 
When all our pastunes had the art ' 



106 SALMAGUXLil. 

To please and not mislead the heart. 
Style curs'd us not. — that modern flash, 
That love of racket and of trash ; 
Which scares at once all feeling joj'S, 
And drowns delight in empty noise ; 
Which barters friendship, mirth and truth, 
The artless air, the bloom of youth. 
And all those gentle sweets that swarm 
Hound nature in her simplest form, 
For cold display, for hollow state, 
The trappings of the would-be great. 

Oh ! once again those days recall. 
When heart met heart in fashion's hall 
When every honest guest would flock 
To add his pleasure to the stock, 
More fond his transports to express, 
Than show the tinsel of his dress! 
These were the times tliat clasp'd the soul 
In gentle friendship's soft control ; 
Our fair ones, unprofan'd by art. 
Content to gain one honest heart. 
No train of sighing swains desired. 
Sought to be loved and not admired. 
But now 'tis form, not love imites; 
'Tis show, not pleasure that invites. 
Each seeks the ball to jolay the queen. 
To flirt, to conquer, to be seen: 
Each grasps at universal sway. 
And reigns the idol of the day ; 
Exults amid a thousand sighs. 
And triumphs when a lover dies. 
Each belle a rival belle surveys, 
Like deadly foe with hostile gaze ; 
Nor can her "dearest friend" caress, 
Till she has slyly scann'd her dress ; 
Ten conquests m one year will make. 
And six eternal friendshiiDS break ! 

How oft I breathe the inward sigh. 
And feel the dew-drop in my eye. 
When I beliold some beauteous frame, 
Divine in everything but name, 
Just venturing, in tlie tender age. 
On fashion's late new fangled stage 1 
Where soon the guiltless heart shall cease 
To beat in artlessness and peace ; 
Where all the flowers of gay delight 
With which youth decks its prospects bright, 
Shall wither mid the cares, tlie strife, 
The cold realities of life ! 



SALMAGUNDI, 107 

Thus lately, n my careless mood, 
As I the world of fashion view'd, 
"While celebrating great and small, 
That great solemnity, a ball, 
My roving vision chanced to light 
On two sweet forms divinely bright; 
Two sister nymphs, alike in face, 
In mien, in loveliness, and grace ; 
Twin rosebuds, bursting into bloom, 
In all their brilliance and perfume : 
Like those fair forms that often beam 
Upon the eastern poet's dream ! 
For Eden had each lovely maid 
In native innocence arrayed, — 
And heaven itself had almost shed 
Its sacred halo round each head I 

They seem'd, just entering hand in hand, 
To cautious tread this fairy land : 
To take a timid hasty view. 
Enchanted with a scene so new. 
The modest blush, untaught by art, 
Bespoke their purity of heart ; 
And every timorous act unfurl'd 
Two souls unspotted by the world. 

Oh, how these strangers joy'd my sight 
And thrill'd my bosom with delight ! 
Thej' brought the visions of my youth 
Back to my soal in all their truth; 
Hecall'd fair spirits into day, 
That time's rough hand had swept away 1 
Thus the bright natives from above. 
Who come on messages of love, 
Will bless, at rare and distant whiles. 
Our sinful dwelling by their smiles ! 

Oh ! my romance of youth is past, 
Dear airy dreams too bright to last ! 
Yet when such forms as these appear, 
I feel your soft remembrance here ; 
For, ah I the simple poet's heart, 
On which fond love once play'd its part, 
Still feels the soft pulsations beat. 
As loth to quit their former seat. 
Just like the harp's melodious wire, 
Swept by a bard with heavenly fire, 
Though ceased the loudly swelling strain, 
Yet sweet vibrations long remain. 

Full soon I found the lovely pair 
Had sprung beneath a mother's care. 
Hard by a neighboring streamlet's side, 



108 (SALMAGUMJI, 

At onoe its ornament and pride, 
The beauteous parent's tender heart 
Had well fulfill' d its pious part ; 
And, like the holy man of old, 
As we're by sacred writings told, 
Who, when he from his pupil sped, 
Pour'd two-fold blessings on his head, — 
So this fond mother had imprest 
Her early virtues in each breast. 
And as she found her stock enlarge. 
Had stampt new graces on her charge. 

The fair resign'd the calm retreat, 
Where first their souls in concert beat. 
And flew on expectation's wing. 
To sip the joys of life's gay spring ; 
To sport in fashion's splendid maze, 
Where friendship fades, and love decays. 
So two sweet wild flowers, near the side 
Of some fair river's silver tide, 
Pure as the gentle stream that laves 
The green banks with its lucid waves, 
Bloom beauteous in their native ground 
Diifusing heavenly fragrance round, 
But should a venturous hand transfer 
These blossoms to the gay parterre, 
Where, spite of artificial aid. 
The fairest plants of nature fade, 
Thougli they may shine supreme awhile 
Mid pale ones of the stranger soil. 
The tender beauties soon decay. 
And their sweet fragrance dies away. 

Blest spirits ! who enthroned in air, 
Watch o'er the virtues of the fair, 
And with angelic ken survey. 
Their windings through life's chequer'd way ; 
Who hover round them as the}^ glide 
Down fashion's smooth deceitful tide. 
And guard them o'er that stormy deep 
Where dissipation's tempests sweep : 
Oh, make this inexperienced pair 
The objects of your tenderest care. 
Preserve them from the languid eye. 
The faded cheek, the long-drawn sigh ; 
And let it be your constant aim 
To keep the fair ones still the same : 
Two sister hearts, unsullied, bright 
As the first beam of lucid light, 
That sparkles from the youthful sun, 
When first his jocund race begun. 



SALMAGLNDI. J 09 

So when these hearts shall burst their shrine, 
To wing their flight to realms divine, 
They may to radiant mansions rise 
Pure as when first they left the skies. 



no SALMAGUXI>I. 



NO. X.— SATURDAY, MAY 16, 1807, 

FEOM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

The long interval which has elapsed since the publication of 
our last number, like many other remarkable events, has given 
rise to much conjecture and excited considerable solicitude. It 
is but a day or two since I heard a knowing young gentleman 
observe, tl)at ho suspected Salmagundi would be a nine days 
wonder, and had even prophesied that the ninth would be our 
la.st effort. But the age of prophecy, as well as that of chi- 
valry, is past; and no reasonable man should now venture to 
foretell aught but what he is determined to bring about himself: 
— he may then, if he please, monopolize prediction, and be 
honored as a prophet even in his own country. 

Though I liold whether we write, or not write, to be none of 
the public's business, yet as I have just heard of the loss of three 
thousand votes at least to the Clintonians, I feel in a remarkable 
dulcet humor thereupon, and will give some account of the 
reasons which induced us to resume our useful labors ; — or ratlier 
our amusement ; for, if writing cost either of us a moment's labor, 
there is not a man but what would hang up his pen, to the great 
detriment of the world at large, and of our publisher in particular ; 
who has actually bought himself a pair of trunk breeches, with 
tl^e profits of our writings 1 1 

He informs me that several persons having called last Saturday 
for No. X. took tlie disappointment so much to heart that he 
really apprehended some terrible catastrophe; and one good- 
looking man, in particular, declared his intention of quitting the 
country if the v/ork was not continued. Add to this, the town 
has grown quite melancholy in the last fortnight ; and several 
young ladies have declared, in my hearing, that if another num- 
ber did not make its appearance soon, they v.'ould be obhged to 
amuse themselves with teasing their beaux and making them 
miserable. Now I assure my readers there was no flattery in 
this, for they no more suspected me of being Launeelot Langstaff, 
than they suspected me of being the emperor of China, or the 
man in the moon. 

I have also received several letters complaining of our indolent 
procrastination; and one of my correspondents assures me, that a 
number of young gentlemen, who had not read a bock tli rough 



SALMAGUNDI. HI 

sines they left school, but vrlio have taken a wonderful liking to 
our paper, will certainly relapse into their old habits unless we 
go on. 

For the sake, therefore, of all these good people, and most 
especially for the satisfaction of the ladies, every one of whom we 
Avould love, if we possibly could, I have again wielded my pen with 
a most hearty determination to set the whole world to rights ; to 
make cherubims and seraphs of all the fair ones of this enchanting 
town, and raise the spirits of the poor federalists, who, in truth, 
seem to be in a sad taking, ever since the American-Ticket met 
with the accident of being so unhappily thrown out. 



TO LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ 

Sm, 

I felt myself hurt and offended by Mr, Evergreen's terrible 
philippic against modern music, in No. II, of your work, and was 
under serious apprehension that his strictures might bring the art, 
which I have the honor to profess, into contempt, Tlie opinion 
of yourself and fraternity appear indeed to have a wonderful 
effect upon the town. — I am told the ladies are all employed in 
reading Bunyan and Pamela, and the waltz has been entirely 
forsaken ever since the winter balls have closed. Under these 
apprehensions I should have addressed you before, had I not 
been sedulously employed, while the theatre continued open, in 
supporting the astonishing variety of the orchestra, and in com- 
posing a new chime or Bob-Major for Trinity Church, to be rung 
during the summer, beginning with ding-dong di-do, instead of 
di-do ding-dong. The citizens, especially those who live in the 
neighborhood of that harmonious quarter, will, no doubt, be infi- 
nitely delighted with this novelty. 

But to the object of this communication. So far, sir, from 
agreeing with Mr, Evergreen in thinking that all modern music 
is but the mere dregs and drainings of the ancient, I trust, before 
this letter is concluded, I shall convince you and him that some 
of the late professors of this enchanting art have completely dis- 
tanced the paltry efforts of the ancients ; and that I, in particular, 
have at length brouglit it almost to absolute perfection. 

The Greeks, simple souls! were astonished at the powers of 
Orpheus, who made the woods and rocks dance to his ^'"re ; — of 
Ampliiou who converted crotchets into bricks, and quavers into 
mortar; — and of Arion whp won upon the compassion of the 
fishes. In the fervency of admiration, their poets fabled that 
A-poUo had lent them his lyre, and inspired theai with his own 



112 SALMAGUNDI. 

spirit of hamiony. What then would they have said had they 
witnessed the wonderful effects of my skill ? had they heard me 
in the compass of a single piece, describe in glowing notes one of 
the most sublime operations of nature ; and not only make inani- 
mate objects dance, but even speak; and not only speak, but 
speak in strains of exquisite harmony ? 

Let me not, however, be understood to say that I am the sole 
author of this extraordinary improvement in the art, for I confess 
I took the hint of many of ray discoveries from some of those me- 
ritorious productions that have lately come abroad and made so 
much noise under the title of overtures. From some of these, as, 
for instance, Lodoiska, and the battle of Marengo, a gentleman, or 
a captain in the city militia, or an amazonian young lady, may in- 
deed acquire a tolerable idea of military tactics, and become very 
well experienced in the firing of musketry, the roaring of cannon, 
the rattling of drums, the whistling of fifes, braying of trumpets, 
groans of the dying, and trampling of cavalry, without ever going 
to the wars ; but it is more especially in the art of imitating ini- 
mitable things, and giving the language of every passion and sen- 
timent of the human mind, so as entirely to do away the neces- 
sity of speech, that I particiilarly excel the most celebrated musi- 
cians of ancient and modern times. 

I think, sir, I may venture to say there is not a sound in the 
whole compass of nature which I cannot imitate, and even im- 
prove upon ; — nay, what I consider the perfection of my art, I 
have discovered a method of expressing, in the most stinking 
manner, that undefinable, indescribable silence which accompa- 
nies the falhng of snow. 

In order to prove to you that I do not arrogate to myself what 
I am unable to perform, I will detail to you the different move- 
ments of a grand piece, which I pride myself upon exceedingly, 
called the " Breaking up of the Ice in the North River." 

The piece opens with a gentle andante affehiosso, which ushers 
you into the Assembly-room in the State-house at Albany, where 
the speaker addresses his farewell speech, informing the members 
that the ice is about breaking up, and thanking them for their 
great services and good behavior in a manner so pathetic as 
to bring tears into their eyes. — Flourish of Jack-a-donkies. — Ice 
cracks; Albany in a hubbub: — air, "Three children sliding on 
the ice, aU on a summer's day." — Citizens quarrelling in Dutch ; — • 
— chorus of a tin trumpet, a cracked fiddle, and a hand-saw ! — 
allegro moderato. — Hard frost: — this, if given with proper spirit, 
has a charming effect, and sets everybody's teeth chattering. — 
Symptoms of snow — consultation of old women who complain 
of pains in the bones and rheumatics ; — air, " There was an old 
woman tossed up in a blanket," &c., — allegro staccato; wagon 
breaks into the ice ; — people all run to see what is the matter ; — 
air, siciliano — "Can you row the boat ashore, Billy boy, Billy 
boy:" — andante; — frost fish froze up in the ice; — air — "Ho, why 



SALMAGUNDI. 113 

dost thou shiver and shake, Gaffer Gray, and why does thy nose 
look so blue ?" — Flourish of twopenny trumpets and rattles ; — 
consultation of the North River Society; — determine to set the 
North River on fire, as soon as it will burn ; — air — " 0, what a 
fine kettle of fish." 

Part II. — Great Thaw. — This consists of the most melting 
strains, flowing so smoothly as to occasion a great overflowing of 
scientific rapture ; air — " One misty moisty morning." The House 
of Assembly breaks up — air — "The owls came out and flew 
about." — Assembly-men embark on their way to New York — air 
— " The ducks and the geese they all swim over, fal, de ral," &c. 
— Vessel sets sail — chorus of mariners — "Steer her up, and let 
her gang." After this a rapid movement conducts you to New 
York ; — the North River Society hold a meeting at the corner of 
Wall Street, and determine to delay burning till all the Assem- 
bly-men are safe home, for fear of consuming some of their own 
members, who belong to that respectable body. Return again to 
the capital. — Ice floats down the river ; — lamentation of skaters ; 
air, affeiuosso — "I sigh and lament me in vain," &c. — Albanians 
cutting up sturgeon : — air — " the roast beef of Albany." — Ice 
runs against Polopoy's island with a terrible crash. — This is re- 
presented by a fierce fellow travelling with liis fiddlestick over a 
huge bass viol, at the rate of one hundred and fifty bars a minute, 
and tearing the music to rags ; this being what is called execu- 
tion. The great body of ice passes West Point, and is saluted by 
tln^ee or four dismounted cannon from Fort Putnam. — " Jefferson's 
March" by a full band ; — air, " Yankee doodle," with seventy-six 
variations, never before attempted, except by the celebrated 
eagle which flutters his wing^ over the copper-bottomed angel at 
Messrs. Paffs in Broadway. Ice passes New York ; conch-shell 
sounds at a distance — ferrymen call o-v-e-r; — people run down 
Courtlandt Street — ferry-boat sets sail — air — accompanied by the 
conch-shell — " We'll all go over the ferry." — Rondeau — giving a 
particular account of Brom the Powles-hook admiral, who is sup- 
posed to be closely connected with the North River Society. — 
The Society make a grand attempt to fire the stream, but are 
utterly defeated by a remarkable high tide, which brings the plot 
to light; — drowns upwards of a thousand rats, and occasions 
twenty robins to break their necks.* — Society not being discou- 
raged, apply to "Common Sense" for his lantern; — ^air — "Nose, 
nose, jolly red nose." Flock of wild geese fly over the city; — 
old wives chatter in the fog; — cocks crow at Communipaw — 
drums beat on Governor's Island. — The whole to conclude with 
the blowing up of Sands' powder-house. 

Thus, sir, you perceive what wonderful powers of expression 
have been hitherto locked up in this enchanting art : — a whole 
history is here told without the aid of speech, or writing ; and 

* vide — Solomon Lang, 
8 



114 SALMAGUNDI. 

provided the hearer is in the least acquainted with music, he 
cannot mistake a single note. As to the blowing up of the powder 
house, I look upon it as a chef d^ceuvre, which I am confident will 
delight all modern amateurs, who very properly estimate music in 
proportion to the noise it makes, and delight in thundering cannon 
and earthquakes. 

I must confess, however,' it is a very difficult part to manage, 
and I have already broken six pianoes in giving it the proper force 
and effect. But I do not despair, and am quite certain that by 
the time I have broken eight or ten more I shall have brought it 
to such perfection, as to be able to teach any young lady of tolera- 
ble ear, to tlmnder it away to the infinite delight of papa and 
mamma, and the great annoyance of those Vandals, who are so bar- 
barous as to prefer the simple melody of a Scots air, to the sublime 
etfasions of modern musical doctors. 

In my warm anticipations of future improvement T have some- 
times almost convinced myself that music will, in time, be brought 
to suck a climax of perfection as to supersede the necessity'' of 
speech and writing ; and every kind of social intercourse be con- 
ducted by the flute and fiddle. — The immense benefits that will 
result from this improvement must be plain to every man of the 
least consideration. In tl$e present unhappy situation of mortals, 
a man has but one way of making himself jjerfectly understood ; 
if lie loses his speech, he must inevitably be dumb all tlie rest of 
his life ; but having once learned this new musical language, the 
loss of speech will be a mere trifle not worth a moment's uneasiness. 
Not only this, Mr. L., bat it will add much to the harmony of do- 
mestic intercourse ; for it is certainlv much more agreeable to hear 
a lady give lectures on the piano than, viva voce, in the usual dis- 
cordant measure. This manner of discoursing may also, I think, be 
introduced with great effect into our national assemblies, where 
every man instead of wagging his tongue, should be obliged to 
flourish a fiddle-stick, by whieli means, if he said nothing to the 
purpose, he would at all events " discourse most eloquent music," 
which is more than can be said of most of them at present. They 
might also sound their own trumpets without being obliged to a 
hireling scribbler, for an immortality of nine days, or subjected to 
the censure of egotism. 

But the most important result of this discovery is that it may 
be applied to the establishment of that great desideratum, in the 
learned world, a universal language. Wherever this science of 
music is cultivated, nothing more v/ill be necessary than a know- 
ledge of its alphabet; which, being almost the same every where, 
will amount to a universal medium of communication. A man 
may thus, with his violin under his arm, a piece of rosin, and a 
few bundles of catgut, fiddle his way through the world, and 
never be at a loss to make himself understood. 
I am &c. 

Demy Semiquaver. 



SALilAGUXDI. 115 



NOTE BY THE PUBLISHEE. 

Without the knowledge or permission of the authors, and which, if he dared, 
he would have placed near where their remarks are made on the great 
difference of manners which exists between the sexes now, from what it 
did in the days of our grandames. The danger of that ehe-ck-by-jowl 
familiarity of the present day. must be obvious to many ; and I think tho 
following a strong example of one of its evils. 



EXTRACTED FROM "THE MIRROR OP THE GRACES. ' 

" I remember the Count M , one of the most accomplished 

and handsomest young men in Vienna : when 1 was there, he 
was passionately in love with a girl of almost peerless beauty. 
She was the daughter of a man of great rank, and great influence 
at court ; and on these considerations, as well as in regard to her 
charms, she was followed by a multitude of suitors. She was 
lively and amiable, and treated them all with an affability which 
still kept them in her train, although it was generally known she 

had avowed a partiality for Count M ; and that preparations 

were making for their nuptials. The Count was of a refined 
mind, and a delicate sensibility ; he loved her for her.self alone : 
for the virtues which he telieved dwelt in her beautiful form ; 
and like a lover of such perfections, he never approached her with- 
out timidity : and when he touched her, a fire shot through his 
veins, that warned him not to invade the vermilion sanctuary 
of her lips. Such were his feelings when, one evening, at his 
intended father-in-law's, a p^u'ty of young people were met to 
celebrate a certain festival ; several of tne young lady's rejected 
suitors were present. Forfeits were one of the pastimes, and all 
went on with the greatest merriment, till the Count was com- 
manded, by some witty maniselle, to redeem his glove by salut- 
ing the cheek of his intended bride. The Count blushed, trem- 
bled, advanced, retreated ; again advanced to his mistress ; — and, 
— at last, — with a tremor that shook his whole soul, and every 
fibre of his frame, with a modest and diffident grace, he took tho 
soft ringlet which played upon her cheek, pressed it to his lips, 
and retired to demand his redeemed pledge in the most evident 
confusion. His mistress gaily smiled, and the game went on. 

One of her rejected suitors who was of a merry, unthinking dis- 
position, was adjudged by the same indiscreet crier of the forfeit.^: 
jis " his last treat before he hanged himself " to snatch a kiss 
from the object of his recent vows. A lively contest ensued 
between the gentleman and lady, which lasted for more than a 
minute ; but the lady yielded, though in the midst of a convulsive 
laugh. 

The Count had the mortification — the agonj^ — ^to see the lips^ 



116 SALMAGUNDI. 

which his passionate and dehcate love would not permit him to 
touch, kissed with roughness, and repetitian, by another man : 
— even by one whom he really despised. Mournfully and silent- 
ly, without a word, he rose from his chair — left the room and the 
house. By that good naiured kiss the fair boast of Vienna lost 
her lover — lost her husband. The Count never saw her 

MORE." 



SALMAGUNDI. lit 



NO. XL— TUESDAY, JULY 2, 1807. 
LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 

CAPTAIN OF A KETCH, TO ASEM HACCHE5I, PRINCIPAL SLAVE- 
DRIVER TO HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OP TRIPOLI. 

The deep shadows of midnight gather around me ; the foot- 
steps of the passengers have ceased in the streets, and nothing 
disturbs the holy silence of the hour save the sound of the distant 
drums, mingled with the shouts, the bawlings, and the discordant 
revelry of his majesty, the sovereign mob. Let the hour be 
sacred to friendship, and consecrated to thee, oh thou brother of 
my inmost soul I 

Oh, Asem ! I almost shrink at the recollection of tlie scenes of 
confusion, of licentious disorganization which I have witnessed 
during the last three days. I have beheld this whole city, nay this 
whole state, given up to the tongue and the pen ; to the puffers, 
the bawlers, the babblers, and the slang- wh angers. I have beheld 
the community convulsed with a civil war, or civil talk ; individuals 
verbally massacred, families annihilated by whole sheets full, and 
slang- whangers coolly bathing their pens in ink and rioting in the 
slaughter of their thousands. I have seen, in short, that awful 
despot, the people, in the moment of unlimited power wielding 
newspapers in one hand, and with the other scattering mud and 
filth about, like some desperate lunatic relieved from the restraints 
of his straight waistcoat. I have seen beggars on horseback, 
ragamuffins riding in coaches, and swine seated in places of 
honor ; I have seen Uberty ; I have seen equality ; I have seen 
fraternity! I have seen that great political puppet-show — an 

ELECTION. 

A few days ago the friend, whom I have mentioned in some of 
my former letters, called upon me to accompany him to witness 
this grand ceremony ; and we forthwith sallied out to the polls, 
as he called them. Though for several weeks before this splendid 
exhibition, nothing else had been talked of, yet I do assure thee 
I was entirely ignorant of its nature ; and when, on coming up 
to a church, my companion informed me we were at the poll, I 
supposed that an election was some great religious ceremony like 
the fast of Ramazan, or the great festival of Haraphat, so cele- 
brated in the east. 



118 SALMAGUXDI. 

My friend, however, undeceived me at once, and entered into 
a long dissertation on the nature and object ol" an election, the 
substance of which was nearly to tliis eftect : "You know," said 
he, " that this country is engaged in a violent internal warfare, 
and suffers a variety of evils from civil dissensions. An election 
is the grand trial of strength, the decisive battle when the belli- 
gerents draw out their forces in martial array ; when every leader 
burning with warlike ardor, and encouraged by the shouts and 
acclamations of tatterdemalions, buffoons, dependents, parasites, 
toad-eaters, scrubs, vagrants, mumpers, ragamuffms, bravoes, and 
beggars, in his rear ; and puffed up ])y his bellows-blowing slang- 
whangers, waves gallantly the banners of liiction, and presses 
forward to office and ijiIMORTality ! 

" For a month or two previous to the critical period which is 
to decide this important all'air, the whole community is in a fer- 
ment. Every man of whatever rank or degree, such is the won- 
derful patriotism of the people, disinterestedly neglects his busi- 
ness to devote himself to his country; and not an insignilicant 
fellow, but feels himself inspired, on this occasion, with as much 
warmth in favor of the cause he has espoused, as if all the com- 
fort of his life, or even his life itself, was dependent on the issue. 
Grand councils of war are, in the first place, called by the difler- 
ent powers/ which are dubbed general meetings, where all the 
Iiead workmen of the party collect, and arrange the order of 
battle ; — appoint the different commanders, and their subordinate 
instruments, and furnish the funds indispensable for supplying 
the expenses of the war. Inferior councils are next called in the 
different classes or wards, consisting of young cadets, who are 
candidates for offices ; idlers who come there for mere curiosity ; 
and orators who appear for the purpose of detailing all the crimes, 
the faults, or the weaknesses of their opponents, and speaking the 
sense of the meeting, as it is called ; for as the meeting generally 
consists of men whose quota of sense, taken individual!}^, would 
make but a poor figure, these orators are appointed to collect it all 
in a lump ; when I assure you it makes a very formidable appear- 
ance, and furnishes sufficient matter to spin an oration of two or 
tin-ee hours. 

'■ Tlie orators who declaim at these meetings are, with a few 
exceptions, men of most profound and perplexed eloquence ; who 
are the oracles of barbers' shops, market places, and porter-houses ; 
and who you may see every day at tlie corners of the streets, 
taking honest men prisoners by the button, and talking their ribs 
quite bare without mercy and without end. These orators, in 
addressing an audience, generally mount a chair, a table, or an 
empty beer barrel, which last is supposed to afford considerable 
inspiration, and thunder away their combustible sentiments at the 
heads of the audience, who are generallj^ so busily emplo_yed in 
smoking, drinking, and hearing themselves talk, that they seldom 
hear a word of the matter. This, however, is of little moment ; 



SALMAGUNDI 119 

for as t\\Qy come there to agree at all events to a certain set of 
resolutions, or articles of war, it is not at all necessarj^ to hear the 
speech ; more especially as few would understand it if they did. 
Do not suppose, however, that the minor persons of the meeting 
are entirely idle. — Besides smoking and drinking, which are gene- 
rally practised, there are few who do not come with as great a 
desire to talk as the orator himself; each has his little circle of 
listeners, in the midst of whom he sets his hat on one side of his 
head, and deals out matter-of-tact information ; and draws self- 
evident conclusions, with the pertinacity of a pedant, and to the 
great edification of his gaping auditors. Nay, the very urchins 
from the nursery, who are scarcely emancipated from the domi- 
nion of birch, on these occasions, strut pigmy great men ; — bellow 
for the instruction of gray-bearded ignorance, and, like the frog 
in the fable, endeavor to puff themselves up to the size of the 
great object of their emulation — the principal orator." 

"But is it not preposterous to a degree," cried I, "for those 
puny whipsters to attempt to lecture age and experience ? They 
should be sent to school to learn better." "Not at all," replied 
my friend; "for as an election is nothing more than a war of 
words, the man that can wag his tongue with the greatest elas- 
ticity, whether he speaks to the purpose or not, is entitled to lec- 
ture at ward meetings and polls, and instruct all who are inclined 
to listen to him : you may have remarked a ward meeting of politic 
dogs, where although the great dog is, ostensibly, the leader, and 
makes the most noise, y'et every little scoundrel of a cur has some- 
thing to say ; and in proportion to his insignificance, fidgets, and 
worries, and puffs about mightily, in order to obtain the notice and 
approbation of his betters." Thus it is with these little, beard- 
less, bread-and-butter politicians who, on this occasion, escape 
from the jurisdiction of their mammas to attend to the affairs of 
the nation. You will see them engaged in dreadful wordy con- 
test with old cartmen, cobblers, and tailors, and plume themselves 
not a little if they should chance to gain a victory. — Aspiring spi- 
rits ! how interesting are the first dawnings of political greatness ! 
an election, my friend, is a nursery or hot-bed of genius in a logo- 
cracy ; and I look with enthusiasm on a troop of these Lilliputian 
partizans, as so many chatterers, and orators and puflfers, and 
slang-whangers in embryo, who will one day take an important 
part in the quarrels, and word}'' wars of their country. 

" As the time for fighting the decisive battle approaches, ap- 
pearances become more and more alarming; committees are 
appointed, who hold little encampments from whence they send 
out small detachments of tattlers, to reconnoitre, harass, and skir- 
mish witli the enemy, and if possible, ascertain their numbers ; 
everybod)^ seems big with the mighty event that is impending ; 
the orators they grad'ially swell up beyond their usual size ; the 
little orators they grow greater and greater; the secretaries of the 
ward committees strut about looking like wooden oracles; t)ie 



120 SAL.MAUUXDI. 

puffers put on the airs of mighty consequence ; tlie slang- whang- 
ers deal out direful inuendoes, and threats of doughty import ; 
and all is buzz, murmur, suspense, and sublimity I 

" At length the day arrives. The storm that has been so long 
gathering and tlu'eatening in distant thunders, bursts forth in ter- 
rible explosion ; all business is at an end ; the whole city is in a 
tumult ; the people are running helter-skelter, they know not 
wliither, and they know not why: the hackney coaches rattle 
through the streets with thundering vehemence, loaded with 
recruiting Serjeants who have been prowling in cellars and caves, 
to unearth some miserable minion of poverty and ignorance, who 
will barter his vote for a glass of beer, or a ride in a coach with 
such fine gentlemen ! — the buzzards of the party scamper from poll 
to poll, on foot or on horseback ; and they worry from committee 
to committee, and buzz, and fume, and talk big, and — do nothing : 
like the vagabond drone, who wastes his time in the laborious 
idleness of seesaw-song^ and busy nothingness." 

I know not how long m}^ friend would have continued his 
detail, had he not been interrupted by a squabble which took 
place between two old continentals^ as they were called. It seems 
they had entered into an argument on the respective merits of 
their cause, and not being able to make each other clearly under- 
stood, resorted to what is called knock-down arguments, which 
form the superlative degree of argumenium ad hominem; but are, in 
my opinion, extremely inconsistent with the true spirit of a genu- 
ine logocracy. After they had beaten each other soundly, and 
set the whole mob together by the ears, they came to a full expla- 
nation ; when it was discovered that they were both of the same 
way of thinking; — whereupon they shook each other heartily by 
the hand, and laughed with great glee at their humorous misun- 
derstanding. 

I could not help being struck with the exceeding great number 
of ragged, dirty looking persons that swaggered about the place, 
and seemed to think themselves the bashaws of the land. I in- 
quired of my friend if these people were employed to drive away 
the hogs, dogs, and other intruders that might thrust themselves 
in and interrupt the ceremony? "By no means," replied he; 
" these are the representatives of the sovereign people, who 
come here to make governors, senators, and members of as- 
sembly, and are the source of all power and authority in this 
nation." "Preposterous!" said I, "how is it possible that such 
men can be capable of distinguishing between an honest man and 
a knave ; or, even if they were, will it not always happen that 
they are led by the nose by some intriguing demagogue, and made 
the mere tools of ambitious political jugglers ? Surely it would 
be better to trust to providence, or even to chance, for governors, 
than resort to the discriminating j^owers of an ignorant mob. I 
plainly perceive the consequence. A man, who possesses supe- 
rior talents, and that honest pride v^'hich ever accompanies this 



SALMAGUXDI. 121 

possession, will always be sacrificed to some creeping insect who 
Avill prostitute himself to familiarity with the lowest of mankind; 
and, like the idolatrous Egyptian, worsliip the wallowing tenants 
of filth and mire." 

" All this is true enough," replied my friend, " but after all, j^ou 
cannot say but that this is a free country, and that the people can 
get drunk cheaper here, particularly at elections, than in the 
despotic countries of the east." I could not, with any degree of 
propriety or truth, deny this last assertion; for just at that mo- 
ment a patriotic brewer arrived with a load of beer, which, for a 
moment, occasioned a cessation of argument. The great crowd 
of buzzards, puffers, and "old continentals" of all parties, who 
throng to the polls, to persuade, to cheat, or to force the freehold- 
ers into the right way, and to maintain the freedom of suffrage, 
seemed for a moment to forget their antipathies and joined heartily 
in a copious libation of this patriotic and argumentative beverage. 

These beer-barrels, indeed, seem to be most able logicians, well 
stored with that kind of sound argument best suited to the com- 
prehension, and most relished by the mob, or sovereign people, 
who are never so tractable as when operated upon by this con- 
vincing hquor. which, in fact, seems to be imbued with the very 
spirit of a logocracy. No sooner does it begin its operation, than 
the tongue waxes exceeding valorous, and becomes impatient for 
some mighty conflict. The puffer puts himself at the head of his 
body-guard of buzzards, and his legion of ragamuffins, and woe 
then to every unhappy adversary who is uninspired by the deity 
of the beer-barrel — he is sure to be talked, a^d argued, into com- 
plete insignificance. 

While I was making these observations, I was surprised to ob- 
serve a bashaw, high in office, shaking a fellow by the hand, that 
looked rather more ragged than a scarecrow, and inquiring with 
apparent solicitude concerning the health of his family ; after 
which he slipped a little folded paper into his hand and turned 
away. I could not help applauding his humility in shaking the 
fellow's hand, and his benevolence in relieving his distresses, for I 
imagined the paper contained somethhig for the poor man's neces- 
sities ; and truly he seemed verging towards the last stage of 
starvation. My friend, however, soon undeceived me by saying 
that this was an elector, and that the bashaw had merely given 
him the list of candidates for whom he was to vote. " Ho ! ho !" 
said I, " then he is a particular friend of the bashaw ?" " By no 
means," replied my friend, "the bashaw will pass him without 
notice, the day after the election, except, perhaps, just to drive 
over him with his coach." 

My friend then proceeded to inform me that for some time 
before, and during the continuance of an election, there was a 
most delectable courtship, or intrigue, carried on between the 
great bashaws and the mother mob. That mother mob generally 
preferred the attentions of the rabble, or of fellows of her own 



122 SALMAGUNDI. 

Stamp ; but would sometmies condescend to be treated to a feast- 
ing, or an}i:hing- of that kind at tlie bashaw's exjDcnse ! nay, some- 
tiiues when slie was in good humor, she would condescend to toy 
with him in her rough way ; but woe be to the bashaw who at- 
tempted to be familiar with her, for she was the most pestilent, 
cross, crabbed, scolding, thieving, scratching, toping, wrong- 
headed, rebellious, and abominable termagant, that ever was let 
loose in the world to the confusion of honest gentlemen bashaws. 

Just then a fellow came round and distributed among the 
crowd a number of hand-bills, written by the ghost of Washington, 
the fame of whose illustrious actions, and still more illustrious 
virtues, has reached even the remotest regions of the east, and 
who is venerated by this people as the Father of his countiy. 
On reading this paltry paper, 1 could not restrain my indignation. 
"Insulted hero," cried I, "is it thus thy name is profaned, thy 
memory disgraced, thy spirit drawn down from heaven to adminis- 
ter to the brutal violence of party rage I — It is thus the necro- 
mancers of the east, by their infernal incantations, sometimes call 
up the shades of the just, to give their sanction to frauds, to lies, 
and to every species of enormity." My friend smiled at my 
vrarmth, and observed, that raising ghosts, and not only raising 
them but making them speak, was one of the miracles of election. 
"And believe me," continued he, "there is good reason for the 
ashes of departed heroes being disturbed on these occasions, for 
such is the sandy foundation of our government, that there never 
happens an election of an alderman, or a collector, or even a con- 
stable, but we are in imminent danger of losing our liberties, and 
becoming a province of France, or tributary to the British islands." 
"By the hump of Mahomet's camel," said I, "but this is only 
another striking example of the prodigious great scale on which 
every thing is transacted in tljis countrj''!" 

By this time I had become tired of the scene ; my head ached 
with the uproar of voices, mingling in all the discordant tones of 
triumphant exclamation, nonsensical argument, intemperate 
reproach, and drunken absurdity. The confusion was such as no 
language can adequately describe, and it seemed as if all tlie 
restraints of decency, and all the bands of law, had been broken 
and given place to the wide ravages of licentious brutality. These, 
tliought I, are the orgies of liberty! these are the manifestations 
of the spirit of independence! these are the symbols of man's 
sovereignty ! Head of Mahomet ! with what a fatal and inexor- 
able despotism do empty names and ideal phantoms exercise 
their dominion over the human mind ! The experience of ages 
lias demonstrated, that in all nations, barbarous or enlightened, 
the mass of tlie people, the mob, must be slaves, or they will bo 
tx'rants; but their tyranny will not be long: — some ambitious 
leader, having at first condescended to be their slave, will 
at length become their master; and in proportion to the vile- 
ness of lii.s former sorvitu<le, will be the severitv of his sub- 



SALMAGUXDI. 123 

sequent t3Tanny. Yet, with innumerable examples staring- them 
in the face, the people still bawl out liberty; by which tliey 
mean nothing but freedom from every species of legal restraint, 
and a warrant for all kinds of licentiousness : and the bashaws 
and leaders, in courting tbe mob, convince them of their power; 
and by administering to their passions, for the purposes of am- 
bition, at length learn by fatal experience, that he who worships 
the beast that carries him on his back, will sooner or later be 
thrown into the dust, and trampled under foot by the animal 
who has learnt the secret of its power, by this very adoration. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA, 



PROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR, 

MINE UXCLE JOIIX. 

To those whose habits of abstraction may have let them into 
some of the secrets of their own minds, and whose freedom from 
daily toil has left them at leisure to analyze their feelings, it will 
be nothing new to say that the present is peculiarly the season 
of remembrance. The flowers, the zephyrs, and the warblers of 
spring, returning after their tedious absence, bring naturally to 
our recollection past times and buried feelings ; and the whisijers 
of the full foliaged grove, fall on the ear of contemplation, like the 
sweet tones of far distant friends whom the rude jostlers of the 
world have severed from us and cast far beyond our reach. It is 
at such times, that casting backward many a lingering look we 
recall, with a kind of sweet-souled melancholy, the days of our 
youth, and the jocund companions who started with us the race 
of life, but parted midway in the journey to pursue some winding 
path that allured them with a prospect more seducing, — and 
never returned to us again. It is then, too, if we have been afflict- 
ed with any heavy sorrow, if we have even lost, and who has 
not! — an old friend, or chosen companion, that his shade will 
hover around us ; the memory of his virtues press on the heart ; 
and a thousand endearing recollections, forgotten amidst the cold 
pleasures and midnight dissipations of winter, arise to our 
remembrance. 

These speculations bring to ray mind my uncle john, the 
history of whose loves, and disappointments, I have promised to 
the world. Though I must own myself much addicted to forget- 
ting my promises, yet, as I have been so happily reminded of this, 
I believe I must pay it at once, " and there is an end." Lest my 



134 SALMAGUXDI. 

readers — good-natured souls that they are ! should in the ardor 
of peeping into millstones, take mj'- uncle for an old acquaintance, 
I here inform them, that the old gentleman died a great many 
years ago, and it is impossible they should ever have known 
him : — I pity them — for they would have known a good-natured, 
benevolent man, whose example might have been of service. 

The last time I saw my uncle John was fifteen years ago, when 
I paid him a visit at his old mansion. I found him reading a 
newspaper — for it was election time, and he was always a warm 
federahst, and had made several converts to the true political 
faith in his time ; particularly one old tenant who always, just 

before the election, became a violent anti ; in order that he 

might be convinced of his errors by my uncle, who never failed 
to reward his conviction by some substantial benefit. 

After we had settled the affau-s of the nation, and I had paid 
my respects to the old family chronicles in the kitchen, — an indis- 
pensable ceremony, — the old gentleman exclaimed, with heart- 
felt glee, " Well, I suppose you are for a trout-fishing ; — I have 
got every thing prepared ; — but first you must take a walk with 
me to see my improvements." I was obliged to consent ; though 
I knew my uncle would lead me a most villanous dance, and in 
all probability treat me to a quagmire, or a tumble into a ditch. 
If my readers choose to accompany me in this expedition, they 
are welcome ; if not, let them stay at home like lazy fellows — 
and sleep — or be hanged. 

Though I had been absent several years, yet there was very 
little alteration in the scenery, and every object retained the same 
features it bore when I was a school-boy : for it was in this spot 
that I grew up in the fear of ghosts, and in the breaking of many 
of the ten commandments. The brook, or river, as they would 
call it in Europe, still murmured with its wonted sweetness 
through the meadow ; and its banks were still tufted with dwarf 
willows, that bent down to the surface. The same echo inhabited 
the valley, and the same tender air of repose pervaded the whole 
scene. Even my good uncle was but little altered, except thai 
his hair was growTi a little grayer, and his forehead had lost some 
of its former smoothness. He had, however, lost nothing of- hit, 
former activity, and laughed heartily at the difficulty I found iu 
keeping up with him as he stumped through bushes, and briers, 
and hedges; talking all the time about his improvements, and 
telling what he would do with such a spot of ground and such a 
tree. At length, after showing me his stone fences, his famous 
two-year-old bull, his new invented cart, which was to go before 
the horse, and his Eclipse colt, he was pleased to return home to 
dinner. 

After dinner and returning thanks — which with him was not 
a ceremony merely, but an offering from the heart — my uncle 
opened his trunk, took out his fishing-tackle, and, without saying 
a word, sallied forth with some of those truly alarming steps 



SALMAGUXDI. 125 

which Daddy Neptune once took when he was in a great hurry 
to attend the affair of the siege of Troy. Trout-fishing was my 
uncle's favorite sport ; and, though I always caught two fish for 
his one, he never would acknowledge my superiority ; but puz- 
zled himself often, and often, to account for such a singular phe- 
nomenon. 

Following the current of the brook, for a mile or two, we 
retraced many of our old haunts, and told a hundred adventures 
which had befallen us at different times. It was like snatching 
the hour-glass of time, inverting it, and rolling back again the 
sands that had marked the lapse of years. At length the shadows 
began to lengthen, the south wind gradually settled into a per- 
fect calm, the sun threw his rays through tlie trees on the hill- 
tops in golden lustre, and a kind of Sabbath stillness pervaded 
the whole valley, indicating that the hour was fast approaching 
which was to relieve for a wliile, the farmer from his rural labor, 
the ox from his toil, the school urchin from his primer, and 
bring the loving ploughman home to the feet of his blooming 
dair3'-maid. 

As we were watching in silence the last rays of the sun, beam- 
ing their farewell radiance on the high hills at a distance, my uncle 
exclaimed, in a kind of half desponding tone, while lie rested his 
arm over an old tree that had fallen — "I know not how it is, my 
dear Launce, but such an evening, and such a still quiet scene as 
this, always makes me a little sad ; and it is, at such a time, I am 
most apt to look forward with regret to the period when this 
farm, on which 'I have been young but now am old,' and every 
object around me that is endeared by long acquaintance — when 
all these and I must shake hands and part. I have no fear of 
death, for my life has aftbrded but little temptation to wickedness ; 
and when I die, I hope to leave behind me more substantial 
proofs of virtue than will be found in my epitaph, and more last- 
ing memorials than churches built or hospitals endowed, with 
wealth wrung from the hard hand of poverty, by an unfeeling 
landlord or unprincipled knave ; — but still, when I pass such a 
day as this and contemplate such a scene, I cannot help feeling a 
latent wish to linger yet a little longer in this peaceful asylum ; 
to enjoy a little more sunshine in this world, and to have a few 
more fishing matches with my boy." As he ended, he raised his 
hand a little from the fallen tree, and dropping it languidly by his 
side, turned himself towards home. The sentiment, the look, the 
action, all seemed to be prophetic. And so they were, for when 
I shook him by the hand, and bade him farewell the next morn- 
ing — it was for the last time I 

He died a bachelor, at the age of sixty-three, though he had 
been all his life trying to get married, and always thought him- 
self on the point of accomplishing his wishes. His disappoint- 
ments were not owing either to the deformity of his mind or 
person ; for in his youtli lie was reckoned handsome, and I my- 



126 SALMAGUNDI. 

self can witness for liim that lie had as kind a heart as ever was 
tlxshioned by heaven ; neither were they owing to his poverty — 
which sometimes stands in an honest man's way — for he was 
born to the inheritance of a small estate which was sufficient to 
establish his claim to the title of "one well to do in the world." 
The truth is, ray uncle had a prodigious antipathy to doing things 
in a hurry. "A man should consider." said he to me once, 
" that he can always get a wife, but cannot always get rid of her. 
For ray part," continued he, " I am a young fellow, with the 
world before me," — he was but about forty 1 — " and am resolved 
to look sharp, weigh matters well, and know what's what, before 
I marry : in short, Launce, / donH intend to do the thing in a 
hurry, dei^end upon ii^ On this whim-wham he proceeded. He 
began with young girls, and ended with widows. The girls he 
courted until they grew old maids, or married out of pure appre- 
hension of incurring certain penalties hereafter ; and the widows 
not having quite as much patience, generally at the end of a 
year, while the good man thought himself in the high road to suc- 
cess, married some harum-scarum young fellow, who had not 
such an antipathy to doing things in a hurry. 

My uncle would have inevitably sunk under these repeated 
disappointments — for he did not want sensibility — had he not 
hit upon a discovery which set all to rights at once. He consoled 
his vanity — for he was a little vain, and soothed his pride, which 
was his master passion — b}" telling his friends very significantly, 
while his eye would flash triumph, " that he might have had her." 
Those who know how much of the bitterness of disappointed 
affection arises from wounded vanity and exasperated pride, will 
give ray uncle credit for this discovery. 

My uncle had been told by a prodigious number of married 
men, and had read in an innumerable quantity of books, that 
a man could not possibly be happy except in the marriage state ; 
so he determined at an early age to marry, that he might not 
lose his only chance for happiness. He accordingly forthwith 
paid his addresses to the daughter of a neighboring gentleman 
farmer, who was reckoned the beauty of the whole world; a 
phrase by which the honest country people mean nothing more 
than the circle of their acquaintance, or that territory of land 
which is within sight of tlie smoke of their own hamlet. 

This young lady, in addition to her beauty, was highly accom- 
plished, for she had spent live or six months at a boarding-school 
in town ; where she learned to work pictures in satin and paint 
sheep, that might be mistaken for wolves ; to hold up her head, 
set straight in her chair, and to think every species of useful 
acquirement beneath her attention. When she returned home, so 
completely had she forgotten every thing she knev/ before, that on 
seeing one of the maids milking a cow, she asked her father, with 
an air of most enchanting ignorance, "what that odd looking 
thing was doing to that queer animal?" The old man shook his 



SALMAGUNDI. 127 

head at this; but the mother was delig-hted at these symptoms of 
gentiUty, and so enamored of her daughter's aecomphshmeuts 
that she actually got framed a picture worked m satin by the 
young lady. It represented the Tomb Scene in Romeo and 
Juliet: Romeo was dressed in an orange-colored cloak, fastened 
round his neck with a large golden clasp; a white satin tam- 
boured waistcoat, leather breeches, blue silk stockings, and wliite 
topt boots. The amiable Juliet shone in a flame-colored gown, 
most gorgeously bespangled with silver stars, a high crowned 
muslin cap that reached to the top of the tomb ; — on her feet she 
wore a pair of short-quartered high-heeled shoes, and her waist 
was the exact fac-simile of an inverted sugarloaf. The head of 
the " noble county Paris " looked like a chimney-sweeper's brush 
that had lost its handle; and the cloak of the good Friar hung 
about him as gracefully as the armor of a rhinoceros. The good 
lady considered this picture as a splendid proof of her daugliter's 
accomplishments, and hung it up in the best parlor, as an honest 
tradesman does his certificate of admission into that enlightened 
body yclept the Mechanic Society. 

With this accomplished young lady then did my uncle John 
become deeply enamored, and, as it was his first love, he 
determined to bestir himself in an extraordinary manner. Once 
at least in a fortnight, and generally on a Sunday evening, ho 
would put on his leather breeches, for he was a great beau, mount 
Ms grey horse Pepper, and ride over to see his Miss Pamela, 
though she lived upwards of a mile off, and be was obliged 
to pass close by a church yard, which at least a hundred creditable 
persons would swear was haunted ! — Miss Pamela could not be 
insensible to such proofs of attachment, and accordingly received 
him with considerable kindness; her mother always left the room 
when he came, and my uncle had as good as made a declaration 
by saying one evening, very significantly, " that he believed that 
ho should soon change his condition ;" when, some how or other, 
he began to think he was doing things in too great a hurry, and 
that it was high time to consider : so he considered near a month 
about it, and there is no saying how much longer he might have 
spun the thread of his doubts had he not been roused, from 
this state of indecision, by the news that his mistress had married 
an attorney's apprentice who she had seen the Sunday before at 
church ; where he had excited the applauses of the whole congre- 
gation by the invincible gravity with which he listened to a 
Dutch sermon. The young people in the neighborhood laughed 
a good deal at my uncle on the occasion, but he only shrugged 
his shoulders, looked mysterious, and replied, " Tut, boys ! I might 
have had her^ 



NOTE BY AVILLIAM WIZAEX), ESQ. 
Onr publislipr, who is bnsilr oiis^ajjcd in printing a celebrate'! -wirk, 



128 SALMAGUNDL 

wliich is perhaps more generally read in this city than any other book, not 
excepting the Bible ; — I mean the New- York Directory — has begged so 
hard that we will not overwhelm him with too much of a good thing, that 
we have, with Langstaff's approbation, cut short the residue of uncle John's 
amours. In all probability it will be given in a future number, whenever 

Launcelot is in the humor for it — he is such an odd ^but, mum — ^for 

fear of another suspension. 



SALMAGUNDI. 129 



No. XIL— SATURDAY, JUNE 27, 1807. 

FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Some men delight in the stuclj^ of plants, in the dissection of a 
leaf, or the contour and complexion of a tulip ; — others are 
charmed with the beauties of the feathered race, or the varied 
hues of the insect tribe. A naturalist will spend hours in the 
fotiguing pursuit of a butterfly, and a man of the ton will waste 
whole years in the chase of a tine lady. I feel a respect for their 
avocations, for my own are somewhat similar. I love to open 
the great volume of human character: — to me the examination of 
a beau is more interesting than that of a daffodil or narcissus ; 
and I feel a tliousand times more pleasure in catching a new 
view of human nature, than in kidnapping the most gorgeous 
butterfly, — even an Emperor of Morocco himself! 

In my present situation I have ample room for the indulgence 
of this taste ; for, perhaps, there is not a house in this city more 
fertile in subjects for the anatomist of human character, than my 
cousin Cockloft's. Honest Christopher, as I have before men- 
tioned, is one of those hearty old cavaliers who pride themselves 
upon keeping up the good, honest, unceremonious hospitality of 
old times. He is never so happy as when he has drawn about 
him a knot of sterling-hearted associates, and sits at the head of 
his table dispensing a warm, cheering, welcome to all. His 
countenance expands at every glass and beams forth emanations 
of hilarity, benevolence, and good fellowship, that inspire and 
gladden every guest around him. It is no wonder, therefore, that 
such excellent social qualities should attract a host of friends and 
guests ; in fact, my cousin is almost overwhelmed with them ; 
and they all, uniformly, pronounce old Cockloft to be one of the 
finest old fellows in the world. His wine also always comes in for 
a good share of tlieir approbation ; nor do they forget to do honor 
to" Mrs. Cockloft's cookery, pronouncing it to be modelled after 
the most approved recipes of Heliogabalus and Mrs. Glasse. The 
variety of company thus attracted is particularly pleasing to 
me; for, being considered a privileged person in the family, I 
can sit in a corner, indulge in my favorite amusement of obser- 
vation, and retreat to my elbow-chair like a bee to his hive, 
whenever I have collected suflBcient food for meditation. 

Will Wizard is particularly efficient in adding to the stock of 

.9 



330 SALMAGUNDI. 

originals which frequent our house ; for he is one of the most in- 
veterate hunters of oddities I ever knew ; and his first care, on 
making a new acquaintance, is to gallant him to old Cockloft's, 
where he never fails to receive the freedom of the house in a 
pinch from his gold box. Will has, without exception, the queer- 
est, most eccentric, and indescribable set of intimates that ever 
man possessed ; how he became acquainted with them I cannot 
conceive, except by supposing there is a secret attraction or unin- 
telligible sympathy that unconsciously draws together oddities of 
every soil. 

Will's great crony for some time was Tom Steaddle, to whom 
he took a great liking. Straddle had just arrived in an impor- 
tation of hardware, fresh from the city of Birmingham, or rather, 
as the most learned English would call it, Brummagem, so famous 
for its manufactories of gimblets, penknives, and pepper-boxes; 
and where they make buttons and beaux enough to inundate our 
whole country. He was a young man of considerable standing in 
the manufactory at Birmingham, sometimes had the honor to 
hand his master's daughter into a tim-whiskey, was the oracle of 
the tavern he frequented on Sundays, and could beat all his asso- 
ciates, if you would take his word for it, in boxing, beer-drinking, 
jumping over chairs, and imitating cats in a gutter and opera 
singers. Straddle was, moreover, a member of a Catch Club, and 
was a great hand at ringing bob-majors; he was, of course, a 
complete connoisseur of music, and entitled to assume that cha- 
racter at all performances in the art. He was hkewise a member 
of a Spouting Club, had seen a company of strolling actors per- 
form in a barn, and had even, like Abel Brugger, '' enacted" the 
part of Major Sturgeon with considerable applause; he was con- 
sequently a profound critic, and fully authorised to turn up his 
nose at any American performances. He had twice partaken of 
annual dinners, given to the head manufacturers of Birmingham, 
where he had the good Ibrtune to get a taste of turtle and turbot ; 
and a smack of champaign and Burgundy ; and he had heard a 
vast deal of the roast beef of Old England; he was therefore epi- 
cure sufficient to d — n every dish, and every glass of wine, ho 
tasted in America, though, at the same time, he was as voracious 
an animal as ever crossed the Atlantic. Straddle had been 
splashed half-a-dozen times by the carriages of nobility, and had 
once the superlative felicity of being kicked out of doors by the 
footman of a noble duke ; he could, therefore, talk of nobility and 
despise the untitled plebeians of America. In short, Straddle 
was one of those dapper, bustling, florid, round, self-important 
" gemmem'' who bounce upon us half beau half button-maker ; 
undertake to give us the true polish of the bon ton, and endeavor 
to inspire us with a proper and dignified contempt of our native 
country. 

Straddle was quite in raptures when his employers determined 
to =!cnd him to America as an ac-ent. He considered himself as 



SALMAGUNDI. 131 

going among a nation of barbarians, where he would be received 
as a prodigy ; he anticipated, witli a proud satisfaction, tlie bustle 
and confusion his arrival would occasion ; the crowd that would 
tlirong to gaze at him as he passed through the streets ; and had 
little doubt but that he should occasion as much curiosity as an 
Indian chief or a Turk in the streets of Birmingham. He had 
heard of the beauty of our women, and chuckled at the thought 
of how completely he should eclipse their unpolished beaux, 
and the number of despairing lovers that would mourn the hour 
of his arrival. I am even informed by Will Wizard that he put 
good store of beads, spike-nails, and looking-glasses in his trunk 
to win the affections of the fair ones as they paddled about in 
their bark canoes ; the reason Will gave for this error of Strad- 
dle's, respecting our ladies, was, that he had read in Guthrie's 
Geography that the aborigines of America were all savages ; and 
not exactly understanding the word aborigines, he applied to one 
of his fellow-apprentices, who assured him that it was the Latiu 
word for inhabitants. 

Wizard used to tell another anecdote of Straddle, which always 
put him in a passion : Will swore that the captain of the ship 
told him, that when Straddle heard they were off the banks of 
Newfoundland, he insisted upon going on shore there to gather 
some good cabbages, of which he was excessively fond. Strad- 
dle, however, denied all this, and declared it to be a mischievous 
quiz of Will Wizard ; who indeed often made himself merry at 
his expense. However this may be, certain it is, he kept his 
tailor and shoemaker constantly employed for a month before 
his departure ; equipped himself with a smart crooked stick 
about eighteen inches long, a pair of breeches of most unheard-of 
length, a little short pair of Hoby's white-topped boots, that 
seemed to stand on tip-toe to reach his breeches, and his hat had 
the true trans-atlantic declination towards his right ear. The 
fact was, nor did he make any secret of it — he was determined to 
astonish the natives afewV 

Straddle was not a little disappointed on his arrival, to find the 
Americans were rather more civilized than he had imagined ; he 
was suffered to walk to his lodgings unmolested by a crowd, and 
even unnoticed by a single individual ; no love-letters came 
pouring in upon him ; no rivals lay in wait to assassinate him ; 
I lis very dress excited no attention, for there were many fools 
dressed equally ridiculously with himself This was mortifying 
indeed to an aspiring youth, who had come out with the idea of 
astonishing and captivating. He was equally unfortunate in his 
pretensions to the character of critic, connoisseur, and boxer ; he 
condemned our whole dramatic corps, and every thing appertain- 
ing to the theatre ; but his critical abilities were ridiculed ; he 
found fault with old Cockloft's dinner, not even sparing his wine, 
and was never invited to the house afterwards ; he scoured the 
streets at night, and was cudgelled by a sturdy watchman ; he 



132 SALMAGUNDI. 

hoaxed an honest mechanic, and was soundly kicked. Thus dis- 
appointed in all his attempts at notoriet}^, Straddle hit on the ex- 
pedient which was resorted to by the Giblets — he determined to 
take the town by storm. He accordingly bought horses and equi- 
pages, and forthwith made a furious dash at style in a gig and 
tandem. 

As Straddle's finances were but limited, it may easily be sup- 
posed that his fashionable career infringed a little upon his con- 
signment, which was indeed the case, for, to use a true cockney 
phrase, Brummagtm suffered. But this was a circumstance that 
made little impression upon Straddle, who was now a lad of spirit, 
and lads of spirit always despise the sordid cares of keeping ano- 
ther man's money. Suspecting this circumstance, I never could 
witness any of his exhibitions of st^de, without some whimsical 
association of ideas. Did he give an entertainment to a host of 
guzzling friends, I immediately fancied them gormandizing 
heartily at the expense of poor Birmingham, and swallowing a 
consignment of hand-saws and razors. Did I behold him dashing 
through Broadway in his gig ; I saw him, " in my mind's eye " 
driving tandem on a nest of tea-boards ; nor could I ever con- 
template his cockney exhibitions of horsemanship, but my mis- 
chievous imagination would picture him spurring a cask of hard- 
ware, like rosy Bacchus bestriding a beer barrel, or the little 
gentleman who bestraddles the world in the front of Hutching's 
almanac. 

Straddle was equally successful with the Giblets, as may well 
be supposed ; for though pedestrian merit may strive in vain to 
become fashionable in Gotham, yet a candidate in an equipage is 
always recognized, and like Philip's ass, laden with gold, wUl gain 
admittance everywhere. Mounted in his curricle or his gig, the 
candidate is like a statue elevated on a high pedestal, his merits 
are discernible from afar, and strike the dullest optics. Oh I Go- 
tham, Gotham I most enlightened of cities 1 — how does my heart 
swell with delight when I behold your sapient inhabitants lavish- 
ing their attention with such wonderful discernment I 

Thus Straddle became quite a man of ton, and was cai'essed, 
and courted, and invited to dinners and balls. Whatever 
was absurd or ridiculous in him before was now declared to 
Tae the style. He criticised our theatre, and was listened to with 
reverence. He pronounced our musical entertainments barbarous ; 
and the judgment of Apollo himself would not have been more 
decisive. He abused our dinners : and the god of eating, if there 
be any such deity, seemed to speak through his organs. He be- 
came at once a man of taste, for he put his malediction on every- 
tliing ; and his arguments were conclusive, for he supported every 
assertion with a bet. He was likewise pronounced, by the learned 
in the fashionable world, a young man of great research and deep 
observation ; for he had sent home, as natural curiosities, an ear 
of Indian com, a pair of moccasins, a belt of Avampum, and a four- 



SALMAGUNDI. 133 

leaved clover. He had taken great pains to enrich this curious 
collection with an Indian and a cataract, but without success. In 
fine, the people talked of Straddle and his equipage, and Straddle 
talked to his horses, until it was impossible for the most critical 
observer to pronounce, whether Straddle or his horses were most 
admired, or whether Straddle admired hunseh' or his horses 
most. 

Straddle was now in the zenith of his glory. He swaggered 
about parlors and drawing-rooms with the same unceremonious 
confidence he used to display in the taverns at Birmingham. He 
accosted a lady as he woidd a bar-maid ; and this was pronounced 
a certain proof that he had been used to better company in Bir- 
mingham. He became the great man of ah the taverns between 
New York and Harlem, and no one stood a chance of being accom- 
modated, until Straddle and his horses were perfectly satisfied. He 
d— — d the landlords and waiters with the best air in the world, and 
accosted them with the true gentlemanly familiarity. He staggered 
from the dinner table to the play, entered the box like a tempest, 
and staid long enough to be bored to death, and to bore all those 
Avho had the misfortune to be near him. From thence he dashed 
ofi" to a ball time enough to flounder tlirough a cotillion, tear half a 
dozen gowns, commit a number of other depredations, and make 
the whole company sensible of his infinite condescension in com- 
ing amongst them. The people of Gotham thought him a prodi- 
gious fine fellow ; the young bucks cultivated his acquaintance 
with the most persevering assiduity ; and his retainers were some- 
times complimented with a seat in his curricle, or a ride on one 
of his fine horses. The belles were delighted with the attentions 
of such a fashionable gentleman, and struck with astonishment at 
his learned distinctions between wrought scissors, and those of 
cast-steel ; together with his profound dissertations on buttons 
and horse flesh. The rich merchants courted his acquaintance 
because he was an Englishman, and their wives treated him 
with great deference because he had come from beyond seas. I 
cannot help here observing that your salt water is a marvellous 
great sharpener of men's wits, and I intend to recommend it to 
some of my acquaintance in a particular essay. 

Straddle continued his brilhant career for only a short time. 
His prosperous journey over the turnpike of fashion was checked 
by some of those stumbling-blocks in the way of aspiring youth, 
called creditors, or duns — a race of people who, as a celebrated 
writer observes, "are hated by gods and men." Consignments 
slackened, whispers of distant suspicion floated in the dark, and 
those pests of society, the tailors and shoema,kers, rose in rebellion 
against Straddle. In vain were all his remonstrances, in vain did he 
prove to them that though he had given them no money, yet he 
had given them more custom, and as many promises as any young 
man in the city. They were inflexible, and the signal of danger 
being given, a host of otlier prosecutors pounced upon his back. 



134 SALMAGUNDI. 

Straddle saw there was bujt one way for it ; he determined to do 
the thing genteelly, to go to smash hke a hero, and dashed into 
the limits in high stjde, being the tifteenth gentleman I have 

known to drive tandem to the — ne plus ultra — the d 1. 

Unfortunate Straddle ! may thy fate be a warning to all young 
gentlemen who come out from Birmingham to astonish the natives I 
I should never have taken the trouble to delineate his character 
liad he not been a genuine cockney, and worthy to be the repre- 
sentative of his numerous tribe. Perhaps my simple countrymen 
may hereafter be able to distinguish between the real English gen- 
tleman, and individuals of the cast I have heretofore spoken of, 
as mere mongrels, springing at one bound from contemptible ob- 
scurity at home to daylight and splendor in this good-natured 
land. The true-born and true-bred English gentleman is a cha- 
racter I hold in great respect ; and I love to look back to the 
period when our forefathers flourished in the same generous soil, 
and hailed each other as brothers. But the cockney 1 — when I 
contemplate him as springing too from the same source, I feel 
ashamed of the relationship, and am tempted to deny my origin. 
In the character of Straddle is traced the complete outline of a true 
cockney, of English growth, and a descendant of that individual 
facetious character mentioned by Shakspeare, " who^ in pure kind- 
ness to his horse, buttered his hay^ 



THE STRANGER AT HOME; OR, A TOUR IN 
BROADWAY. 

BY JEREMY COCKLOFT, THE YOUNGER. 
PREFACE.- 

Your learned traveller begins his travels at the commencement 
of his journey ; others begin theirs at the end ; and a third class 
begin any how and any where, which I think is the true way. 
A late facetious writer begins what he calls " a Picture of New 
York," with a particular description of Glen's Falls, from whence 
with admirable dexterity he makes a digression to the celebrated 
Mill Rock on Long Island! Now, this is what I like; and I 
intend, in vaj present tour, to digress as often and as long as I 
please. If, therefore, I choose to make a hop, skip, and jump to 
China^ or new Holland, or Terra Incognita, or Communipaw, I can 
produce a host of examples to justify me, even in books that have 
b^en praised by the English reviewers, whose fiat being all that 
is necessary to give books a currency in this country, I am deter- 



SALMAGUXDI. 135 

mined, as soon as I finish my edition of travels in seventy-five 
volumes, to transmit it forthwith to them for judgment. If these 
trans- Atlantic censors praise it, I have no fear of its success in 
this country, where their approbation gives, like the Tower stamp, 
a fictitious value, and makes tinsels and wampum pass cm-rent for 
classic gold. 

CHAPTER I, 

Battery — flag-staff kept by Louis Keaffee — Keafiee maintains 
two spy-glasses by subscriptions — merchants pay two sbilhngs a 
year to look through them at the signal poles on Staten Island — 
a very pleasant prospect ; but not so pleasant as that from the hill 
of Ilowth — quere, ever been there? Young seniors go down to 
the fiag-statr to buy peanuts and beer, after the fatigue of their 
morning studies, and sometimes to play at ball, or some other 
innocent amusement — digression to the Olympic, and Isthmian 
games, with a description of the Isthmus of Corinth, and that of 
Darien : to conclude with a dissertation on the Indian custom of 
oftering a whiff of tobacco smoke to their great spirit Areskou. — 
Return to the battery — delightful place to indulge in the luxury 
of sentiment. How various are the mutations of this world! 
but a few days, a few hours — at least not above two hundred 
years ago, and this spot was inhabited by a race of aborigines, 
who dwelt in bark huts, lived upon oysters and Indian corn, 
danced bufialo dances, and were lords " of the fowl and the 
brute ;" but the spirit of time, and the spirit of brandy have swept 
tliem from then* ancient inheritance : and as the white wave of 
the ocean, by its ever toiUng assiduity, gains on the brown land, 
so the white man, by slow and sure degrees, has gained on the 
brown savage, and dispossessed him of the land of his forefathers. 
— Conjectures on the first peopling of America — different opinions 
on that subject, to the amount of near one hundred — opinion of 
Augustine Torniel — that the}^ are the descendants of Shem and 
Japlieth, who came by the way of Japan to America. — Juffridius 
Petri says they came from Frizeland. — mem. cold journey — Mons. 
Charron says they are descended from the Gauls — bitter enough — 
A. Milius from the Celtae — Kircher from the Eg}'ptians — L'Compte 
from the Phenicians — Lescarbot from the Canaanites, alias the 
Anthropophagi — Brerewood from the Tartars — Grotius from the 
Norwegians — and Linkum Fidelius has written two folio volumes 
to prove that America was first of jjll peopled' either by the anti- 
podeans or the Cornish miners, who, he maintains, might easily 
have made a subterranean passage to this country, particula-rly 
the antipodeans, who, he asserts, can get along under ground as 
fast as moles — quere, which of these is in the right, or are they all 
wrong ? For my part, I don't see why America had not as good 
a right to be peopled at first, as any little contemptible country in 
Europe, or Asia; and I am determined to write a book at my first 



136 SALMAGUNDI. 

leisure, to prove that Noah was born here — and that so far is 
America from being indebted to any other country for inhabitants, 
that they were every one of them peopled b}^ colonies from her! 
— mem. battery a very pleasant place to walk on a Sunday even- 
ing — not quite genteel though — every body walks there, and a 
pleasure, however genuine, is spoiled by general particdpation — 
the fashionable ladies of New York turn up their noses if you 
ask them to Avalk on the battery on Sunday— quere, have they 
scruples of conscience, or scruples of delicacy? neither — tliey 
have only scruples of gentility, which are quite different things. 



CHAPTER n. 

Custom-house — origin of duties on merchandise — this place 
much frequented by merchants — and why? — different classes of 
merchants — importers — a kind of nobility — wholesale merchants 
— have the privilege of going to the city assembly I — Retail tra- 
ders cannot go to the assembly. — Some curious speculations on the 
vast distinction betwixt selling tape hy the piece or by the yard. 
— Wholesale merchants look down upon the retailers, who in 
return look down upon the green grocers, who look down upon 
the market women, who don't care a straw about any of them. — 
Origin of the distinction of ranks — Dr. Johnson once horribly 
puzzled to settle the point of precedence between a louse and a 
flea — good hint enough to humble purse-proud arrogance. — Cus- 
tom-house partly used as a lodging house for the pictures belong- 
ing to the academy of arts — couldn't afford the statues house- 
room, most of them in the cellar of the City-hall — poor place for 
the gods and goddesses — after Olympus. — Pensive reflections on 
the ups and downs of life — Apollo, and the rest of the set, used to 
cut a great figure in days of yore. — Mem. — every dog has liis day 
— sorry for Venus though, poor wench, to be cooped up in a 
cellar with not a single grace to wait on her! — Eulogy on the 
gentlemen of the academy of arts, for the great spirit with which 
they began the undertaking, and tlie perseverance with wliicli 
they have pursued it — It is a i^ity, however, they began at the 
wrong end — maxim — If you want a bird and a cage, always buy 
the cage first — hem ! — a word to the wise ! 



CHAPTER III. 

Bowling green — fine place for pasturing cows — a perquisite of 
the late corporation — formerly ornamented with a statue of George 
the 3d — people pulled it down in the war to make bullets — great 
pity, as it might have been given to the academy — it would have 
become a cellar as well as any otlier. — Broadway — great difl'T- 
ence in the gentility of streets — a man Avho resides in Ft ail- 



SALMAGUXDI. 137 

street, or Chatham-row, derives no kind of dignity from his 
domicil ; but place him in a certain part of Broadway, any where 
between the battery and Wall-street, and he straightway becomes 
entitled to figure in the beau monde, and strut as a person of pro- 
digious consequence ! — Quere, whether there is a degree of purity 
in the air of that quarter which changes the gross particles of vul- 
garit}'- into gems of refinement and polish? — A question to be 
asked, but not to be answered — Wall-street — City-hall, famous 
place for catch-poles, deputy sheriffs, and young lawyers ; which 
last attend the courts, not because they have business there, but 
because they have no business any where else. My blood always 
curdles when I see a catch-pole, they being a species of vermin, 
who feed and fatten on the common wretchedness of mankind, 
who trade in misery, and in becoming the executioners of the 
law, by their oppression and villany, almost counterbalance all 
the benefits which are derived from its salutary regulations — Story 
of Quevedo about a catch-pole possessed by a devU, who, on being 
interrogated, declared that he did not come there voluntarily, but 
by compulsion ; and that a decent devil would never of his own 
free will enter into the body of a catch-pole ; instead, therefore, 
of doing him the injustice to say that here was a catch-pole be- 
devilled, they should say, it was a devil be-catch-poled ; that being 
in reality the truth — Wonder what has become of the old crier 
of the court, who used to make more noise in preserving 
silence than the audience did in breaking it — if a man hap- 
pened to drop his cane, the old hero would sing out " silence 1" 
in a voice that emulated the " wide mouthed thunder" — On 
inquiring, found he had retired from business to enjoy otium cum 
dignitate, as many a great man had done before. — Strange that 
wise men, as they are thought, should toil through a whole exist- 
ence merely to enjoy a few moments of leisure at last I why don't 
they begin to be easy at first, and not purchase a moment's plea- 
sure with an age of pain ? — mem. posed some of the jockeys — eh 1 



CHAPTEE IV. 

Barber's pole ; three different orders of shavers in New York — 
those who shave pigs; N.B. — freshmen and sophomores, — those 
who cut beards, and those who shave notes of hand ; the last are 
the most respectable, because, in the course of a year, they make 
more monej^, and that honestly, than the whole corps of other 
shavers can do in half a century ; besides, it would puzzle a com- 
mon barber to ruin any man, except by cutting his throat : where- 
as your higher order of shavers, your true bloodsuckers of the 
community, seated snugly behind the curtain, in watch for prey, 
live on the vitals of the unfortunate, and grow rich on the ruin of 
thousands. Yet this last class of barbers are held in high respect 
in the world ; they never offend against the decencies of life, go 



138 SALMAGUNDI. 

often to church, look down on honest poverty walking on foot, 
and call themselves gentlemen; yea, men of honor! — Lottery 
offices — another set of capital shavers ! — licensed gambling houses ! 
good things enough, as tliey enable a few honest, industrious gen- 
tlemen to humbug the people — according to law ; — besides, if the 
people will be such fools, whose fault is it but their own if they 
get bit ? — Messrs, Paft^ — beg pardon for putting them in such bad 
company, because they are a couple of tine fellows — m.em. to re- 
commend Michael's antique snuff-box to all amateurs in the art. — 
Eagle singing Yankee-doodle — N.B. — Buffon, Pennant, and the 
rest of the naturalists, all naturals not to know the eagle was a 
singing bird ; Linkum Fidelius knew better, and gives a long de- 
scription of a bald eagle that serenaded him once in Canada; — 
digression ; particular account of the Canadian Indians ; — story 
about Areskou learning to make fishing nets of a spider — don't 
believe it, though, because, according to Linkum, and many other 
learned authorities, Areskou is the same as Mars, being derived 
from his Greek name of Ares; and if so, he knew well enough 
what a net was without consulting a spider ; — story of Arachne 
being changed into a spider as a reward for having hanged her- 
self; — derivation of the word sijinster from spider; — Colophon, 
now Altobosco, the birthplace of Arachne, remarkable for a fa- 
mous breed of sj)iders to this day ; — mem. — nothing like a little 
scholarship — make the ignoramus, viz. the majority of my readers, 
stare like wild pigeons ; — return to New York a short cut — meet 
a dashing belle, in a little thick white veil — tried to get a peep at 
her face — saw she squinted a little — thought so at first ; — ^never 
saw a face covered with a veil that was worth looking at ; — saw 
some ladies holding a conversation across the street about going 
to church next Sunday — talked so loud they frightened a cart- 
man's horse, who ran away, and overset a basket of gingerbread 
with a little boy under it ; mem. — I don't much see the use of 
speaking-trumpets now-a-days. 



CHAPTER V. 

Bought a pair of gloves ; dry-good stores the genuine schools 
of politeness — true Parisian manners there — got a pair of gloves 
and a pistareen's worth of bows for a dollar — dog cheap I — Court- 
landt-street comer — famous place to see the belles go by — quere* 
ever been shopping with a lady ? — some account of it — ladies go 
into all the shops in the city to buy a pair of gloves — good way 
of spending time, if they have nothing else to do. — Oswego mar- 
ket—looks very much like a triumphal arch — some account of the 
manner of erecting them in ancient times ; digression to the arch- 
duke Charles, and some account of the ancient Germans. N.B. — 
quote Tacitus on this subject. — Particular description of market- 
baskets, butchers' bloclcs, and wheelbarrows ; — mem. queer things 



SALMAGUNDI. 1^9 

run upon one wheel 1 — Saw a cartman driving full tilt through 
Broadway — run over a child — good enough for it — what business 
had it to be in the way ? — Hint concerning the laws against pigs, 
goats, dogs, and cartmen — grand apostrophe to tiie sublime sci- 
ence of jurisprudence : — comparison between legislators and tin- 
kers ; quere, whether it requires greater ability to mend a law 
than to mend a kettle ? — inquiry into the utility of making laws 
that are broken a hundred times in a day with impunity ; — my 
Lord Coke's opinion on the subject: my Lord a very great man 
— so was Lord Bacon : a good story about a criminal named Hog 
claiming relationship with him. — Hogg's porter-honse ; — a great 
haunt of "Will Wizard ; Will put down there one night by a sea- 
captain, in an argument concerning the era of the Chinese em- 
pire Whangpo ; — Hogg's a capital place for hearing the same 
stories, the same jokes, and the same songs every night in the 
year — mem. except Sunday nights ; fine school for young politi- 
cians too — some of the longest and thickest heads in the city 
come there to settle the nation. — Scheme of Ichahod Fungics to 
restore the balance of Europe ; — digression ; — some account of 
the balance of Europe; comparison between it and a pair of 
scales, with the Emperor Alexander in one and the Emperor Na- 
poleon in the other : fine fellows — both of a weight, can't tell 
which will kick the beam : — mem. don't care much either — 
nothing to me : — Ichabod very unhappy about it — thinks Napo- 
leon has an eye on this country — capital place to pasture his 
horses, and provide for the rest of his family: — Dey-street — 
ancient Dutch name of it, signifying m\irderers'-valley, formerly 
the site of a great peach orchard ; my grandmother's historj^ of 
the famous Peach ivar — arose from an Indian stealing peaches 
out of this orchard ; good cause as need be for a war ; just as 
good as the balance of power. Anecdote of a war between two 
Italian states about a bucket ; introduce some capital new truisms 
about the folly of mankind, the ambition of kings, potentates, 
and princes ; particularly Alexander, Csesar, Charles the Xllth, 
Napoleon, little King Pepin, and the great Charlemagne. — Con- 
clude with an exhortation to the present race of sovereigns to 
keep the king's peace, and abstain from all those deadly quarrels 
which produce battle, murder, and sudden death : mem. ran my 
nose against a lamp-post— conclude in great dudgeon. 



EROM MY ELBOW CHAIR. 

Our cousin Pindar, after having been confined for some time 
past with a fit of the gout, which is a kind of keepsake in our 



liO SALMAGUKDI. 

family, has again set his mill going, as my readers will perceive. 
On reading his piece I could not help smiling at the high compli- 
ments which, contrary to his usual style, he has lavished on the 
dear sex. The old gentleman, unfortunately observing my mer- 
riment, stumped out of the room with great vociferation of crutch, 
and has not exchanged three words with me since. I expect 
every hour to hear that he has packed up his moveables, and, as 
usual in all cases of disgust, retreated to his old country house. 

Pindar, like most of the old Cockloft heroes, is wonderfully sus- 
ceptible to the genial influence of warm weather. In winter he 
is one of the most crusty old bachelors under heaven, and is wick- 
edly addicted to sarcastic reflections of every kind, particularly 
on the little enchanting foibles and whim-whams of women. But 
when the spring comes on, and the mild influence of the sun 
releases nature from her icy fetters, the ice of his bosom dissolves 
into a gentle current which reflects the bewitching qualities of 
the fair ; as in some mild, clear evening, when nature reposes in 
silence, the stream bears in its pure bosom all the starry magnifi- 
cence of heaven. It is under the control of this influence he has 
written his piece ; and I beg the ladies, in the plenitude of their 
harmless conceit, not to flatter themselves that because the good 
Pindar has suflered them to escape his censures he had nothing 
more to censure. It is but sunshine and zephyrs which have 
wrought this wonderful change ; and I am much mistaken if the 
first north-easter don't convert all his good nature into most ex- 
quisite spleen. 



PROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

How often I cast my reflections behind, 
And call up the days of past youth to my mind 
When folly assails in habiliments new, 
"When fashion obtrudes some fresh whim-wham to view ; 
"When the foplings of fashion bedazzle my sight, 
Bewilder my feelings — my senses benight ; 
I retreat in disgust from the world of to-day. 
To commune with the world that has moulder'd away ; 
To converse with the shades of those friends of my love , 
Long gather'd in peace to the angels above. 

In my rambles through life should I meet with annoy, 
From the bold beardless stripling — the turbid pert boy, 
One rear'd in the mode lately reckon'd genteel, 
Which neglecting the head, aims to perfect the heel ; 
Which completes the sweet fopling while yet in his teens, 



SALMAGUNDI. ' 141 

And fits him for fashion's hgbt changecible scenes; 

Proclaims him a man to the near and the far, 

Can he dance a cotihon or smoke a segar ; 

And though brainless and vapid as vapid can be, 

To routs and to parties pronounces him free : — * 

Oh, I think on the beaux that existed of yore, 

On those rules of the ton that exist now no more I 

I recall with delight how each yonker at first 
In the cradle of science and virtue was nursed : 
— How the graces of person and graces of mind, 
The polish of learning and fsishion combined, 
Till softened in manners and strengthened in head, 
By the classical lore of the living and dead, 
Matured in his person till manlj'- in size. 
He (hen was presented a beau to our eyes 1 

My nieces of late have made frequent complaint 
That they suffer vexation and painful constraint, 
By having their circles too often distrest 
By some three or four goslings just fledged from the nest, 
"Who, propp'd by the credit their fathers sustain, 
Alike tender in years and in person and brain. 
But plenteously stock'd with that substitute brass. 
For true wits and critics would anxiously pass. 
They complain of that empty sarcastical slang, 
So common to all the coxcombical gang, 
"Who the fair with their shallow exjierienco vex. 
By thrumming for ever their weakness of sex ; 
And who boast of themselves, when they talk with proud air 
Of Man's mental ascendency over the fair. 

'Twas thus the young owlet produced in the nest, 
Where the eagle of Jove her young eaglets had prest, 
Pretended to boast of his royal descent, 
And vaunted that force which to eagles is lent. 
Though fated to shun with his dim visual ray, 
Tlie cheering delights and the brilliance of day ; 
To forsake the Mr regions of gether and light. 
For dull moping caverns of darkness and night : 
Still talk'd of that eagie-like strength of the eye, 
Which approaches unwinking the pride of the sky. 
Of that wing which unwearied can hover and play 
In the noon-tide effulgence and torrent of day. 

Dear girls, the sad evils of which ye complain 
Your sex must endure from the feeble and vain, 
'Tis the common place jest of the nursery scape-goat, 
'Tis the common place ballad that croaks from his throat; 
He knows not that nature — that polish decrees. 
That women should always endeavor to please : 
That the law of their system has early imprest 
The importauc? of liUing themselves to each guest; 



142 SALjIAGUIaDI. 

And, of course, tliat full oft when ye trifle and play, 
"lis to gratify tritiers who strut in your way. 
The child might as well of its mother complain, 
As wanting true wisdom and soundness of brain ; 
Because that, at times, while it hangs on her breast, 
She with '4ulla-by-baby" beguiles it to rest. 
'Tis its weakness of mind that induces the strain, 
For wisdom to infants is prattled in vain. 

'Tis true at odd times, when in frolicksome fit, 
In the midst of his gambols, the mischievous wit 
May start some hght foible that clings to the fair 
Like cobwebs that fasten to objects most rare. — 
In the play of his fancy will sportively say 
Some delicate censure that pops in his way. 
He may smile at your fashions, and frankly express 
His dislike of a dance, or a flaming red dress; 
Yet he blames not your want of man's physical force, 
Nor complains though ye cannot in Latin discourse. 
He delights in the language of nature ye speak, 
Though not so refined as true classical Greek. 
He remembers that providence never design'd 
Our females like suns to bewilder and blind ; 
But like the mild orb of pale ev'ning serene. 
Whose radiance illumines, yet softens the scene, 
To light us with cheering and welcoming ray, 
Along the rude path when the sun is away. 

I own in my scribblings I lately have nam'd 
Some faults of our fair which I gently have blam'd, 
But be it for ever by all understood 
My censures were only pronounc'd for their good. 
I delight in the sex, 'tis the pride of my mind 
To consider them gentle, endearing, refin'd ; 
As our solace below in the journey of life, 
To smooth its rough passes; — to soften its strife: 
As objects intended our joj^s to supply, 
And to lead us in love to the temples on high. 
How oft have I felt, when two lucid blue eyes, 
As calm and as bright as the gems of the skies, 
Have beam'd their soft radiance into my soul, 
Impressed with an awe like an angel 's control I 

Yes, fair ones, by this is for ever defin'd 
The fop from the man of refinement and mind ; 
The latter believes ye in bounty were given 
As a bond upon earth of our union with heaven: 
And if ye are weak, and are frail, in his view, 
'Tis to call forth fresh warmth and his fondness renew. 
'Tis his Joy to support tliese defects of your frame, 
And his love at jour weakness redoubles its flame ; 
He rejoices the gem is so rich and so fair, 
And is proud that it claims his protection and care. 



SALMAGUNDI, 143 



NO. XIII.— FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1807. 

FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

I was not a little perplexed, a short time since, by the eccentric 
conduct of my knowing coadjutor Will "Wizard, For two or three 
days, he was completely in a quandary. He would come into old 
Cockloft's parlor ten times a day, swinging his ponderous legs 
along, with his usual vast strides, clap his hands into his sides, 
contemplate the little shepherdesses on the mantol-piece for a few 
minutes, whistling all the while, and then sally out full sweep, 
without uttering a word. To be sure a pish or a pshaw occasion- 
ally escaped him; and he was observed once to pull out his 
enormous tobacco-box, drum for a moment upon its lid with his 
knuckles, and then return it into his pocket without taking a 
quid : — 'twas evident "Will was full of some might}'- idea : — not 
that his restlessness was any way uncommon ; for I have often 
seen "Will throw himself almost in a fever of heat and ^tigue — 
doing nothing. But his inflexible taciturnity set the whole family, 
as usual, a wondering: as Will seldom enters the house without 
giving one of lus " one thousand and one " stories. For my part, 
I began to think that the late fracas at Canton had alarmed Will 
for the safety of his friends Kinglun, Chinqua, and Coiisequa ; or, 
that something had gone wrong in the alterations of the theatre — 
or that some new outrage at Norfolk had put him in a worry ; in 
short, I did not know what to think ; for Will is such an univer- 
sal busy-body, and meddles so much in everything going forward, 
that you might as well attempt to conjecture what is going on in 
the north star, as in his precious pericranium. Even Mrs. Cock- 
loft who, like a worthy woman as she is, seldom troubles herself 
about any thing in this world — saving the affairs of her household, 
and the correct deportment of her female friends, was struck with 
the mystery of Will's behavior. She happened, when he came 
in and went out the tenth time, to be busy darning the bottom of 
one of the old red damask chairs ; and notwithstanding this is to 
her an affair of vast importance, yet, she could not help turning 
round and exclaiming, "I wonder what can be the matter with 
Mr. Wizard ?" " Nothing," replied old Christopher, " only we shall 
liave an eruption soon." The old lady did not understand a word 
of this, neither did she care ; she had expressed her wonder; and 
that, with her, is always sufficient 



144 SALMAGUXDI. 

I am so well acquainted witli Will's peculiarities that I can tell, 
even by his whistle, when he is about an essay for our paper as 
certainly as a weather wiseacre knows that it is going to rain 
when he sees a pig run squeaking about with his nose in tke 
wind. I, therefore, laid my account with receiving a communica- 
tion from him before long ; and sure enough, the evening before 
last I distinguished his free-mason knock at my door. I have 
seen man}^ wise men in my time, philosophers, mathematicians, 
astronomers, politicians, editors, and almanac makers ; but never 
did I see a man look half so wise as did my friend Wizard on en- 
tering the room. Had Lavater beheld him at that moment he 
would have set him down, to a certainty, as a fellow who had 
just discovered the longitude or the philosopher's stone. 

Without saying a word, he handed me a roll of paper ; after 
which he lighted his segar, sat down, crossed his legs, folded his 
arms, and elevating his nose to an angle of about forty-five degrees, 
began to smoke like a steam engine ; — Will delights in the pic- 
turesque. On opening his budget, and perceiving the motto, it 
struck me that Will had brought me one of his confounded Chinese 
manuscripts, and I was forthwith going to dismiss it with indigna- 
tion ; but accidentally seeing the name of our oracle, the sage 
Linkum, of whoso inestimable folios we pride ourselves upon 
being the sole possessors, I began to think the better of it, and 
looked round to Will to express approbation. I shall never forget 
the figure he cut at that moment 1 He had watched my counte- 
nance, on opening his manuscript, with the argus eyes of an 
author; and perceiving some tokens of disapprobation, began, 
according to custom, to puff away at his segar, with such vigor 
that in a few minutes he had entirely involved himself in smoke ; 
except his nose and one foot, which were just visible, the latter 
wagging with great velocity. I believe I have hinted before — at 
least I ought to have done so — that Will's nose is a very goodly 
nose ; to which it may be as well to add, that, in his voyages un- 
der the tropics, it has acquired a copper complexion, which renders 
it very brilliant and luminous. You may imagine what a sump- 
tuous appearance it made, projecting boldly, hke the celebrated 
promontoriwn nasidium at Samos with a light-house upon it, and 
surrounded on all sides with smoke and vapor. Had my gravity 
been like the Chinese philosopher's "within one degree of absolute 
frigidity," here would have been a trial for it. I could not stand 
it, but burst into such a laugh as I do not indulge in above once in 
a hundred years ; — this was too much for Will ; he emerged from 
his cloud, threw his segar into the fire-place, and strode out of the 
room pulling up his breeches, muttering sometliing which, I verily 
believe, was nothing more than a horrible long Chinese maledic- 
tion. 

He however left his manuscript behind him, which I now give 
to the world. Whether he is serious on the occasion, or only 
bantering, no one, I believe, can tell : for, whether in speaking or 



SALMAGUNDI. 145 

writing, there is such an invincible gravity in his demeanor and 
style, that even I, who have studied him as closely as an antiqua- 
rian studies an old manuscript or inscription, am frequently at a 
1-jss to know what the rogue would be at. I have seen him in- 
dulge in his favorite amusement of quizzing for hours together, 
Avithout any one havmg the least suspicion of the matter, until he 
would suddenly twist his phiz into an expression that baffles all 
description, thrust his tongue in his cheek and blow up in a laugh 
almost as loud as the shout of the Romans on a certain occasion; 
which honest Plutarch avers frightened several crows to such a 
degree that they fell down stone dead into the Campus Martius. 
Jeremy Cockloft the younger, who, like a true modern philosopher, 
delights in experiments that are of no kind of use, took the trouble 
to measure one of "Will's risible explosions, and declared to me 
that, according to accurate measurement, it contained thirty feet 
square of soUd laughter : — what will the professors say to this ? 



PLANS FOR DEFENDING OUR HARBOR. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

Long-fong teko buzz tor-pe-do, 

Fudge coNFiroius. 

We'll blow the villains all sky high ; 

But do it with econo my, link. fid. 

Surely never was a town more subject to midsummer fancies 
and dog-day whim-wliams, than this most excellent of cities ; — our 
notions, like our diseases, seem all epidemic ; and no sooner does 
a new disorder or a new freak seize one individual but it is sure 
to run through all the community. This is particularly the case 
when the summer is at the hottest, and every body's head is in a 
vertigo and his brain in a ferment ; 'tis absolutely necessary then 
the poor souls should have some bubble to amuse themselves with, 
or they would certainly run mad. Last year the poplar w^orm 
made its appearance most fortunately for our citizens ; and every 
body was so much in horror of being poisoned, and devoured ; 
and so busied in making humane experiments on cats and dogs, 
that we got through the summer quite comfortably ; — the cats had 
the worst of it; — every mouser of them was shaved, and there 
Avas not a whisker to be seen in the whole sisterhood. This sum- 
mer every body has had full employment in planning fortifications 
for our harbor. Not a cobbler or tailor in the city but has left 
his awl and his thimble, became an engineer outright, and aspired 

10 



146 SALMAGUNDI. 

most magnanimoufily to the building of forts and destruction of 
natives ! — heavens ! as my friend Mustapha would saj, on viiiat a 
great scale is every thing in this country 1 

Among the various plans that have been offered the most con- 
spicuous is one devised and exhibited, as I am informed, by that 
notable confederacy, the North River Society. 

Anxious to redeem their reputation from the foul suspicions 
that have for a long time overclouded it, these aquatic incendiaries 
have come forward, at the present alarming juncture, and an- 
nounced a most potent discovery which is to guarantee our port 
from the visits of any foreign marauders. The society have, it 
eeems, invented a cunning machine, shrewdly 3^clep'd a Totyedo ; 
by which the stoutest line of battle ship, even a Santissima Trini- 
dada, may be caught napping and decomposed in a twinkling ; a 
kind of sub-marine powder magazine to swim under water, like an 
aquatic mole, or water rat, and destroy the enemy in the moments 
of unsuspicious security. 

This straw tickled the noses of all our dignitaries wonderfully ; 
for to do our government justice, it has no objection to injuring 
and exterminating its enemies in any manner — provided the thing 
can be done economieally. 

It was determined the experiment should be tried, and an 
old brig was purchased, for not more than twice its value, and de- 
livered over into the liands of its tormentors, the North River 
Society, to be tortured, and battered, and annihilated, secundum 
arteiii. A day was appointed for the occasion, when all the good 
citizens of the wonder-loving city of Gotham were invited to the 
blowing up ; like the ikt inn-keeper in Rabekis, who requested all 
his customers to come on a certain day and see him burst. 

As I have almost as great a veneration as the good Mr. Walter 
Shandy for all kinds of experiments tliat are ingeniously ridiculous, 
I made very particular mention of the one in question at the ta- 
ble of my friend Christopher Cockloft ; but it put the honest old 
gentleman in a violent passion. He condemned it in toto as an 
attempt to introduce a dastardly and exterminating mode of war- 
fare. " Already have we proceeded far enough," said he, " in the 
science of destruction ; war is already invested with sufficient 
horrors and calamities, let us not increase the catalogue ; let us 
not by these deadly artifices provoke a system of insidious and in- 
discriminate hostilitj'^, tliat siiall terminate in laying our cities deso- 
late, and exposing our women, our children, and our infirm, to 
the sword of pitiless recrimination." Honest old cavalier I— it 
was evident he did not reason as a true poUtician, — but he felt as 
a christian and philanthropist ; and that was perhaps just as well 

It may be readily siipposed, that our citizens did not refuse the 
invitation of the societ}'' to the blow-up ; it was the first naval ac- 
tion ever exhibited in our port, and the good people all crowded 
to see the British navy blown up in effigy. The young ladies 
were delighted with the novelty of the show, and declared that 



SALMAGUNDI. 147 

if war could be conducted in this manner, it would become a 
fiishionable amusement ; and the destruction of a fleet be as plea- 
sant as a ball or a tea-party. The old folk were equally pleased 
Avith the spectacle, — ^because it cost them nothing. Dear souls, 
how hard was it they should be disappointed ! the brig most ob- 
stinately refused to be decomposed; the dinners were cold, and 
the puddings were overboiled, throughout the renowned city of 
Gotham ; and its sapient inhabitants, like the honest Stras- 
burghers, from whom most of them are doubtless descended, who 
went out to see the courteous stranger and his nose, all returned 
liome after having threatened to pull down the flag-staff by way 
of taking satisfaction for their disappointment. By the way, 
there is not an animal in the world more discriminating in its ven- 
geance than a free bom mob. 

In the evening I repaired to friend Hogg's, to smoke a sociable 
segar, but had scarcely entered the room when I was taken 
prisoner by my friend, Mr. Ichabod Fungus; who I soon saw was 
at his usual trade of prying into mill-stones. The old gentleman 
informed me, that the brig had actually blown-up, after a world 
of manoeuvering, and had nearly blown up the socict}^ with it ; he 
seemed to entertain strong doubts as to the objects of the so- 
ciety in the invention of these infernal machines ; — hinted a sus- 
picion of their wishing to set the river on fire, and that he should 
not be surprised on waking one of these mornings to find the 
Hudson in a blaze. "Not that I disapprove of the plan," said 
he, " provided it has the end in view which they profess ; no, no, 
an excellent plan of defence; — ^no need of batteries, forts, frigates, 
and gun-boats ; observe, sir, all that's necessary is that the ships 
must come to anchor in a convenient place; — watch must be 
asleep, or so complacent as not to disturb any boats paddling 
about them — fair wind and tide — no moonlight — machines well- 
directed — mustn't flash in the plan — ^l^ang's the word, and the 
vessel's blown up in a moment !" " Good," said I, "you remind 
me of a lubberly Chinese who was flogged by an honest captain 
of my acquaintance, and who, on being advised to retaliate, ex- 
claimed — "Hi yah! spose two men hold fast him captain, den 
very mush me bamboo he !" 

The old gentleman grew a little crusty, and insisted that I did 
not understand him ; — all that was requisite to render the eftect 
certain was, that the enemy should enter into the project ; or, in 
other words, be agreeable to the measure ; so that if the machine 
did not come to the ship, the ship should go to the machine ; by 
which means he thought the success of the machine would be 
inevitable — ^provided it struck fire. " But do not you think," said 
I, doubting-ly, " that it would be rather difficult to persuade the 
enemy into such an agreement ? — Some people have an invinci- 
ble antipathy to being blown up." "Not at all, not at all," re- 
plied he, triumphantly; "got an excellent notion for that; — do 
with them as we liave done with the brig ; buy all the vessels we 



148 SALMAGUNDI. 

mean to destroy, and blow 'em up as best suits our convenience. 
I have thought deepl}', on that subject and have calculated to a 
certainty, that if our funds hold out we may in this way destroy 
the whole British navy — by contract." 

B}^ this time all the quidnuncs of the room had gathered around 
us, each pregnant with some mighty scheme for the salvation of 
his country, — One pathetically lamented that we had no such 
men among us as the famous Toujoursdort and Grossitout ; who, 
when the celebrated captain Trenchement made war against the 
city of Kalacahabalaba, utterly discomfited the great king 
Bigstaflf, and blew up his whole army by sneezing. — Another im- 
parted a sage idea, which seems to have occupied more heads 
than one ; that is, that the best way of fortifying the harbor was 
to ruin it at once : choke the channel with rocks and blocks; 
strew it with chevaux-de-frise and torpedoes ; and make it like a 
nursery-garden, full of men traps and spring-guns. No vessel 
would then have the temerity to enter our harbor ; we should not 
even dare to navigate it ourselves. Or, if no cheaper way could 
be devised, let Governor's Island be raised by levers and 
pulleys — floated with empty casks, &c., towed down to the Nar- 
rows, and dropped plump in the very mouth of the harbor! — 
"But," said I, " would not the prosecution of these whim- whams 

be rather expensive and dilatory? " Pshaw I" cried the other 

— "what's a million of money to an experiment; the true spirit 
of our economy requires that we should spare no expense in dis- 
covering the cheapest mode of defending ourselves ; and then if 
all these modes should fail, why you know the worst we have to 
do is to return to the old fashioned hum-drum mode of forts and 
batteries." " By which time," cried I, " the arrival of the enemy 
may have rendered their erection superfluous." 

A shrewd old gentleman who stood listening by, with a mis- 
chievously equivocal look, observed that the most effectual mode 
of repulsing a fleet from our ports, would be to administer them 
a proclamation from time to time, till it operated. 

Unwilling to leave the company without demonstrating m}' pa- 
triotism and ingenuity, I communicated a plan of defence ; which, 
in truth was suggested long since by that infellible oracle, Mus- 
TAPHA, who had as clear a head for cobweb weaving as ever 
dignified the shoulders of a projector. He thought the most 
effectual mode would be to assemble all the slang-wJiangers, great 
and small, from all parts of the state, and marshal them at the 
Battery, where they should be exposed point blank to the enemy, 
and form a tremendous body of scolding infantry, similar to the 
2)oissards or doughty champions of Billingsgate. They should be 
exhorted to fire away without pity or remorse, in sheets, half- 
sheets, columns, handbills or squibs ; great cannon, little cannon, 
pica, german text, stereotype, and to run their enemies through 
and through with sharp-pointed italics. They should have or- 
ders to show no quarter — to blaze away in their loudest epithets 



SALMAGUXDI. 149 

— ^^ miscreants r ^^ murderers P^ ^^ barbarians T '^ pirates P^ ^^ rob- 
bers /" "Blackguards!" and to do away all fear of consequences, 
they should be guaranteed from all dangers of pillory, kicking, 
cuffing, nose-pulling, whipping-post, or prosecution for libels. If, 
continued Mustapha, you wish men to fight well and valiantly, 
they must be allowed those weapons they have been used to 
handle. Your countrymen are notoriously adroit in the manage- 
ment of the tongue and the pen, and conduct all their battles by 
si>eeches or newspapers. Adopt, therefore, the plan I have 
pointed out ; and rely upon it that, let any fleet, however large, 
be but once assailed by this battery of slang-whangers, and if 
they have not entirely lost the sense of hearing, or a regard for 
their own characters and feelings, they will, at the very first fire, 
slip their cables, and retreat with as much precipitation as if they 
had unwarily entered into the atmosphere of the Bohan upas. In 
this manner may your wars be conducted with proper economy ; 
and it will cost no more to drive off a fleet than to write up a 
party, or write down a bashaw with three tails. 

The sly old gentleman I have before mentioned, was highly 
delighted with this plan ; and proposed, as an improvement, that 
mortars should be placed on the battery, which, instead of throw- 
ing shells and such trifles, might be charged with newspapers, 
Tammany addresses, &c., by way of red-hot shot, which would 
undoubtedly be very potent in blowhig up any powder magazine 
they might chance to come in contact with. He concluded by 
informing the company, that in the course of a few evenings ho 
would have the honor to present them with a scheme for loading 
certain vessels with newspapers, resolutions of "numerous and 
respectable meetings," and other combustibles, which vessels 
wore to be blown directly in the midst of the enemy by the bel- 
lows of the slang-whangers ; and he was much mistaken if they 
would not be more fatal than fireships, bomb-ketches, gun-boats, 
or even torpedos. 

These are but two or three specimens of the nature and efficacy 
of the innumerable plans with which this city abounds. Every- 
body seems charged to the muzzle with gunpowder, — every eyo 
flashes fireworks and torpedos, — and every corner is occupied by 
knots of inflammatory projectors, not one of whom but has some 
preposterous mode of destruction, which he has proved to be in- 
fallible by a previous experiment in a tub of water ! 

Even Jeremy Cockloft has caught the infection, to the great 
annoyance of the inhabitants of Cockloft Hall, whither he retired 
to make his experiments undisturbed. At one time all the mir- 
rors in the house were unhung, — their collected rays thrown into 
the hot-house, to try Archimedes' plan of burning-glasses ; and 
the honest old gardener was almost knocked down by what he 
mistook for a stroke of the sun, but which turned out to be nothing 
more than a sudden attack of one of these tremendous jack-o'- 
lanterns. It became dangerous to walk through the courtyard 



150 SALMAGUNDI. 

for fear of an explosion ; and the whole family was thrown into 
absolute distress and consternation, by a letter from the old 
housekeeper to Mrs. Cockloft, informing her of his having blown 
up a favorite Chinese gander, which I had brought from 'Canton, 
as he was majestically sailing in the duck-pond. 

"In the multitude of counsellors there is safety ;" if so, the de- 
fenceless city of Gotham has nothing to apprehend ; — but much 
do I fear that so many exceUent and Infallible projects will be 
presented, that we shall be at a loss which to adopt ; and the 
peaceable inhabitants fare like a &mous projector of my acquaint- 
ance, whose house was unfortunately plundered while he was 
contriving a patent lock to secure his door. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR.— A RETROSPECT, OR, 
"WHAT YOU WILL." 

Lolling in my elbow-chair this fine summer noon, I feel myself 
insensibly yielding to that genial feeling of indolence the season 
is so well fitted to inspire. Every oue who is blessed with a 
little of tlie delicious languor of disposition that delights in repose, 
must often have sported among the fairy scenes, the golden 
visions, the voluptuous reveries, that swim before the imagina- 
tion at such moments, and which so much resemble those blissful 
sensations a Mussulman enjoys after his favorite indulgeuce of 
opium, which Will Wizard declares can be compared to nothing 
but " swimming in an ocean of peacocks' feathers." In such a 
mood everybody must be sensible it would be idle and unprofit- 
able for a man to send his wdts a gadding on a voyage of disco- 
very into futurity, or even to trouble himself with a laborious in- 
vestigation of what is actually passing under his eye. We are, 
at such times, more disposed to resort to the pleasures of memory 
than to those of the imagination ; and like the wayfaring traveller, 
reclining for a moment on his staff", had rather contemplate the 
ground we have travelled, than the region which is yet before us. 

I could here amuse mj^self, and stultify my readers, with a mor^t 
elaborate and ingenious parallel between authors and travellers ; 
but in this balmy season which makes men stupid and dogs mad, 
and when, doubtless, many of our most strenuous admirers have 
great difficulty in keeping awake through the day, it would be 
cruel to saddle them with the formidable difficulty of putting two 
ideas together and drawing a conclusion, or, in the learned phrase, 
forging syllogisms in Baroco, — a terrible undertaking for the dog- 
days ! to sa}^ the truth, my observations were only intended to 
prove that this, of all others, is the most auspicious moment, and 



SALMAGUNDI. 151 

my present, the most favorable mood for indulging in a retrospect. 
Whether, like certain great personages of the day, in attempting 
to prove one thing, I have exposed another ; or whether, like cer- 
tain other great personages, in attempting to prove a great deal, I 
have proved nothing at all, I leave to my readers to decide, pro- 
vided they have the power and inclination so to do ; but a retro- 
spect will I take notwithstanding. 

I am perfectly aware that in doing this I shall lay myself open 
to the charge of imitation, than which a man might be better 
accused of downright housebreaking; for it has been a standing 
rule with many of my illustrious predecessors, occasionally, and 
particularly at the conclusion of a volume, to look over their 
siioulder and chuckle at the miracles they had achieved. But, as I 
before professed, I am determined to hold myself entirely inde- 
pendent of all manner of opinions and criticisms, as the only 
method of getting on in this world in anything like a straight 
Hue. True it is, I may sometimes seem to angle a little for the 
good opinion of mankind, by giving them some excellent reasons 
tor doing unreasonable things ; but this is merely to show them, 
that although I may occasionally go wrong, it is not for want of 
knowing how to go right ; and here I will lay down a maxim, 
which will for ever entitle me to the gratitude of my inexperi- 
enced readers, namely, that a man always gets more credit in the 
e3^es of this naughty world for sinning wilfully than for sinning 
through sheer ignorance. 

It will doubtless be insisted by many ingenious cavillers, who 
will be meddling with what does not at all concern them, that 
this retrospect should have been taken at the commencement of 
our second volume ; it is usual, I know : moreover it is natural. 
So soon as a writer has once accomplished a volume, he forthwith 
becomes wonderfully increased in altitude! he steps upon his 
book as upon a pedestal, and is elevated in proportion to its 
magnitude, A duodecimo makes him one inch taller ; an octavo, 
three inches ; a quarto, six : — but he who has made out to swell 
a folio looks down upon his fellow creatures from such a fearful 
height that, ten to one, the poor man's head is turned for ever 
afterwards. From such a lofty situation, therefore, it is natural an 
author should cast his eyes behind : and having reached the first 
landing-place on the stairs of immortality, may reasonably be 
allowed to plead his privilege to look back over the height 
he has ascended. I have deviated a little from this venerable 
custom, merely that our retrospect might fall in the dog days — of 
all days in the year most congenial to the indulgence of a little 
self-sufficiency ; inasmuch as people have then little to do but to 
retire within the sphere of self, and make the most of what they 
find there. 

Let it not be supposed, however, that we think ourselves a whit 
the wiser or better since we have finished our volume than we 
were before; on the contrary, we seriously assure our readers 



]52 salmauu^;di. 

that we were fully possessed of all the wisdom and morality- 
it contains at the moment we commenced writing. It is the 
world which has grown wiser, — not us ; we have throwTi our 
mite into the common stock of knowledge, we have shared our 
morsel with the ignorant multitude ; and so far from elevating 
ourselves above the world, our sole endeavor has been to raise the 
world to our own level, and make it as wise as we, its disinterested 
benefactors. 

To a moral writer like myself, who, next to his own comfort 
and entertainment, has the good of his fellow citizens at heart, a 
retrospect is but a sorry amusement. Like the industrious husband- 
man, he often contemplates in sOent disappointment his labors 
wasted on a barren soil, or the seeds he has carelully sown, 
choked by a redundancy of worthless weeds. I expected long ere 
this to have seen a complete reformation in manners and morals, 
achieved by our united efforts. My fancy echoed to the ap- 
plauding voices of a retrieved generation; I anticipated, with 
proud satisfaction, the period, not far distant, when our work 
would be introduced into tlie academies with which eveiy lane 
and alley of our cities abounds ; when our precepts would be 
gently inducted into every unlucky urchin by force of birch, and 
my iron-bound physiognomy, as taken by Will Wizard, be as 
notorious as that of Noah Webster, junr. Esq. or his no less 
renowned predecessor, the illustrious Dilworth of spelling book 
immortality. But, well-a-dayl to let my. readers into a profound 
secret — the expectations of man are like the varied hues that 
tinge the distant prospect ; never to be realized, never to be 
enjoyed but in perspective. Luckless Launcelot, that the hum- 
blest of the many air castles thou hast erected should prove a 
" baseless fabric !" Much does it grieve me to confess, that after 
all our lectures, precepts, and excellent admonitions, the people 
of New-York are nearly as much given to blacksliding and ill- 
nature as ever; they are just as much abandoned to dancing, and 
tea-drinking ; and as to scandal, Will Wizard informs me that, by 
a rough computation, since the last cargo of gunpowder-tea from 
Canton, no less than eighteen characters have been blown up, 
besides a number of others that have been wofuUy shattered. 

The ladies still labor under the same scarcity of muslins, and 
delight in flesh-colored silk stockings ; it is evident, however, that 
our advice has had very considerable effect on them, as they 
endeavor to act as opposite to it as possible ; this being what 
Evergreen calls female independence. As to the Straddles, they 
abound as much as ever in Eroadway, particularly on Sundays ; 
and Wizard roundly asserts that he supped in company with 
a knot of them a few evenings since, when they liquidated a 
whole Birmingham consignment, in a batch of imperial champaign. 
I have, furthermore, in the course of a month past, detected no 
less than three Giblet families making their first onset towards 
style and gentility in the very manner we have heretofore 



SALMAGUNDI. 153 

reprobated. Nor have our utmost efforts been able to check the 
progress of that alarming epidemic, the rage for punning, which, 
though doubtless originally intended merely to ornament and 
enliven conversation by little sports of fancy, threatens to overrun 
and poison the whole, like the baneful ivy which destroys the 
useful plant it first embellished. ISTow I look upon an habitual 
punster as a depredator upon conversation ; and I have remarked 
sometimes one of these offenders, sitting silent on the watch for 
an hour together, untU some luckless wight, unfortunately for the 
ease and quiet of the companj^, dropped a phrase susceptible of a 

double meaning ; — when pop, our punster would dart out 

like a veteran mouser from her covert, seize the unlucky word, 
and after worrying and mumbling at it until it was capable of no 
further marring, relapse again into silent watchfulness, and lie in 
wait for another opportunity. — Even this might be borne with, by 
the aid of a little philosophy ; but the worst of it is, they are not 
content to manufacture puns and laugh heartily at them themselves ; 
but they expect we should laugh with tliem ; — which I consider 
as an intolerable hardship, and a flagrant imposition on good 
nature. Let those gentlemen fritter away conversation with 
impunity, and deal out their wits in sixpenny bits if they please ; 
but I beg I may have the choice of refusing currency to their 
sinaU change. I am seriously afraid, however, that our junto is 
not quite free from the infection ; nay, that it has even approached 
so near as to menace the tranquillity of my elbow-chair : for, 
Will Wizard, as we were in caucus the other night, absolutely 
electrified Pindar and myself with a most palpable and per- 
plexing pun ; had it been a torpedo, it could not have more 
discomposed the fraternity. Sentence of banishment was una- 
nimously decreed; but on his confessing that, like many cele- 
brated wits, he was merely retailing other men's wares on 
conmiission, he was for that once forgiven on condition of re- 
fraining from such diabolical practices in future. Pindar is 
particularly outrageous against punsters ; and quite astonished 
and put me to a nonplus a day or two since, by asking abruptly 
" whether I tliought a punster could be a good christian ?" He 
followed up his question triumphantly by offering to prove, by 
sound logic and historical fact, that the Roman empire owed its 
decline and fall to a pun ; and that nothing tended so much to de- 
moralize tlie French nation, as their abominable rage for jeux dernois. 
But what, above every tiling else, has caused me much vexa- 
tion of spirit, and displeased me most with this stiff-necked nation 
is, that in spite of all the serious and profound censures of the sage 
Mustapha, in his various letters — they will talk ! — they will still 
wag their tongues, and chatter like very slang- whangers I this is 
a degree of obstinacy incomprehensible in the extreme ; and is 
another proof how alarming is the force of habit, and how difficult 
it is to reduce beings, accustomed to talk, to that state of silence 
which is the very acme of human wisdom. 



154 SALMAGUNDI. 

"We can only account for these disappointments in our moderate 
and reasonable expectations, by supposing the world so deeply 
sunk in the mire of delinquency, that not even Hercules, were he 
to put his shoulder to the axletree, would be able to extricate it. 
"We comfort ourselves, however, by the reflection that there are 
at least tliree good men left in this degenerate age to benefit the 
world by example should precept ultimately fail. And borrowing, 
for once, an example from certain sleepy writers who, after the 
first emotions of surprise at finding their invaluable effusions 
neglected or despised, console themselves with the idea that 'tis a 
stupid age, and look forward to posterity for redress: — we bequeath 
our first volume to future generations. — and much good may it do 
them. Heaven grant they may be able to read it! for, if our 
fashionable mode of education continues to improve, as of late, I 
am under serious apprehensions that the period is not far distant 
when the discipline of the dancing master will supersede that of 
the grammarian: crotchets and quavers supplant the alphabet: 
and the heels, by an antipodean manoeuvre, obtain entire preemi- 
nence over the head. How does my heart yearn for poor dear 
posterity, when this Avork shall become as unintelligible to our 
grandchildren as it seems to be to their grandfathers and grand- 
mothers. 

In fact, for I love to be candid, we begin to suspect that many 
people read our numbers, merely for their amusement, without 
paying any attention to the serious truths conveyed in every page. 
Unpardonable want of penetration ! not that we wish to restrict 
our readers in the article of laughing, which we consider as one of 
the dearest prerogatives of man, and the distinguishing character- 
istic which raises him above all other animals: let them laugh 
therefore if they will, provided they profit at the same time, and 
do not mistake our object. It is one of our indisputable facts 
that it is easier to laugh ten follies out of countenance than to 
coax, reason, or flog a man out of one. In this odd, singular, and 
indescribable age, which is neither the age of gold, sUver, iron, 
brass, chivalry, or pills^ as Sir John Carr asserts, a grave writer 
who attempts to attack folly with the heavy artillery of moral 
reasoning, will fare like Smollet's honest pedant, who clearly 
demonstrated by angles, &c., after the manner of Euclid, that it 
was wrong to do evil ; — and \yas laughed at for his pains. Take 
my word for it, a little well applied ridicule, like Hannibal's appli- 
cation of vinegar to rocks, will do more with certain hard heads 
and obdurate hearts, than all the logic or demonstrations in 
Longinus or Euclid. But the people of Gotham, wise souls ! are 
so much accustomed to see morality approach them clothed in for- 
midable wigs and sable garbs, "with leaden eye that loves the 
ground," that they can never recognise her when, drest in gay 
attire, she comes tripping towards them with smUes and sunshine 

in her countenance. "V\"ell, let the rogues remain in happy 

ignorance, for "ignorance is bliss," as the poet says; — and I put 



SALMAGUNDI. 155 

as implicit faitli in poetry as I do in the almanac or the newspa- 
per; we will improve them, without their being the wiser 

for it, and they shall become better in spite of their teeth, and 
without their having the least suspicion of the reformation work- 
ing within them. 

Among all our manifold grievances, however, still some small but 
vivid rays of sunshine occasionally brighten along our path; 
cheering our steps, and inviting us to persevere. 

The public have paid some little regard to a few articles of our 
advice ; — they have purchased our numbers freely ; — so much the 
better for our publisher ; — ^they have read them attentively; — so 
much the better for themselves. The melancholy fate of my dear 
aunt Charity has had a wonderful effect ; and I have now before 
me a letter from a gentleman who lives opposite to a couple of 
old ladies, remarkable for the interest they took in his affairs ; — his 
apartments were absolutely in a state of blockade, and he was on 
the point of changing his lodgings, or capitulating, until the 
appearance of our ninth number, which he immediately sent over 
with his compliments; — the good ladies took the hint, and 
have scarcely appeared at their window since. As to the wooden 
gentlemen, our friend Miss Sparkle assures me, they are wonder- 
fully improved by our criticisms, and sometimes ventiu^e to make 
a remark, or attempt a pun in companj-, to the great edification 
of all who happen to understand them. As to the ''fd shawls, 
they are entirely discarded from the fair shoulders of our ladies — 
ever since the last importation of finery ; — nor has any lady, since 
the cold weather, ventured to expose her elbows to the admiring 
gaze of scrutinizing passengers. But there is one victory we have 
acliieved which has given us more pleasure than to have written 
down the whole administration : I am assured, from unquestion- 
able authority, that our young ladies, doubtless in consequence of 
our weighty admonitions, have not once indulged in that in- 
toxicating, inflammatory, and whirligig dance, the waltz — ever 
since hot weather commenced. True it is, I understand, an 
attempt was made to exhibit it by some of the sable fair ones at 
the last African ball, but it was highly disapproved of by all the 
respectable elderly ladies present. 

These are sweet sources of comfort to atone for the many ^^Tongg 
and misrepresentations heaped upon us by the world ; — for even 
we have experienced its ill nature. How often have we heard 
ourselves reproached for the insidious applications of the unchari- 
table ! — how often have wo been accused of emotions which 
never found an entrance into our bosoms ! — how often have our 
sportive effusions been wrested to serve the purposes of particular 

enmity and bitterness ! Meddlesome spirits ! little do they 

know our disposition; we " lack gall " to wound the feelings of 
a single innocent individual ; we can even forgive them from the 
very bottom of our souls ; may they meet as ready a forgiveness 
from their own consciences ! like true and independent bachelors, 



156 SALMAGUNDI. 

having no domestic cares to interfere with our general benevolence, 
we consider it incumbent upon us to watch over the welfare of 
society ; and although we are indebted to the world for little else 
than left-handed favors, yet we feel a proud satisfaction in requit- 
ing evil Math good, and the sneer of illiberality with the unfeigned 
smile of good humor. With these mingled motives of selfishness 
and philanthropy we commenced our work, and if we cannot 
solace ourselves with the consciousness of having done much good ! 
yet there is still one pleasing consolation left, which the world can 
neither give nor take aM^ay. There are moments, — lingering mo- 
ments of listless indifference and heavy-hearted despondency, — 
when our best hopes and affections slipping, as they sometimes 
will, from their hold on those objects to which they usually chng 
for support, seem abandoned on the wide waste of cheerless ex- 
istence, without a place to cast anchor ; without a shore in view 
to excite a single wish, or to give a momentary interest to con- 
templation. We look back with delight upon many of these mo- 
ments of mental gloom, whiled away by the cheerful exercise of 
our pen, and consider every such triumph over the spleen as retard- 
ing the furrowing hand of time in its insidious encroachments on 
our brows. If, in addition to our own amusements, we have, aa 
we jogged carelessly laughing along, brushed away one tear of 
dejection and called forth a smile in its place — if we have bright- 
ened the pale countenance of a single child of sorrow — we shall 
feel almost as much joy and rejoicing as a slang-whanger does 
when he bathes his pen in the heart's blood of a patron and bene- 
factor; or sacrifices one more illustrious victim on the altar of party 
animosity. 



TO READERS AND CORRESPONDENTS. 

It is our misfortune to be frequently pestered, in our peregrina- 
tions about this blessed city, by certain critical gad-flies ; who 
buzz around and merely attack the skin, without ever being able 
to penetrate the body. The reputation of our promising protege, 
Jeremy Cockloft the younger, has been assailed by these skin- 
deep critics ; they have questioned his claims to originality, and 
even hinted that the ideas for his New- Jersey Tour were borrowed 
from a late work entitled " my pocket-book." As there is no 
literary offence more despicable in the eyes of the trio than bor- 
rowing, we immediately called Jeremy to an account ; when he 
proved, by the dedication of the work in question, that it was first 
published in London in March, 1807 — and that his "Stranger in 
New-Jersey" had made its appearance on the 24th of the 
preceding February. 



SALMAGUNDI. 15*7 

We were on the point of acquitting Jeremy with honor on the 
ground that it was impossible, knowing as he is, to borrow from 
a foreign work one month before it was in existence ; when Will 
AVizard suddenly took up the cudgels for the critics, and insisted 
that nothing was more probable ; for he recollected reading of an 
ingenious Dutch author who plainly convicted the ancients of 
stealing from his labors ! So much for criticism. 



We have received a host of friendly and admonitory letters 
from different quarters, and among the rest a very loving epistle 
from G-eorge-town, Columbia, signed Teddy M'Gundy, who 
addresses us by the name of Saul M'Gundy, and insists that we 
are descended from the same Irish progenitors, and nearly related 
As friend Teddy seems to be an honest, merry rogue, we are sor- 
ry that we cannot admit his claims to kindred ; we thank him, 
however, for his good will, and should he ever be inchned to 
favor us with another epistle, we will hint to him, and at the 
same time to our other numerous correspondents, that their com- 
munications will be infinitely more acceptable, if they will just 
recollect Tom Shuffleton's ad,vice, "pay the post boy, Muggins." 



1 58 SALMAQUNDI. 



NO. Xiy.— SATURDAY, SEPT. 19, 1807. 

LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT KHAN, 
TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO 
HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLI 

Health and joy to the friend of my heart 1 — May the angel of 
peace ever watch over thy dwelhng, and the star of prosperity 
shed its benignant lustre on all thy undertakings. Far other is 
the lot of thy captive friend ; — his brightest hopes extend' but to 
a lengthened period of wear}' captivity, and memory only adds to 
the measure of his griefs, by holding up a mirror which reflects 
with redoubled charms the hours of past felicity. In midnight 
slumbers my soul holds sweet converse with the tender objects of 
its affections ; — it is then the exile is restored to his country ; — it 
is then the wide waste of waters that rolls between us disappears, 
and I clasp to my bosom the companion of my youth ; I awake 
and find it is but a vision of the night. The sigh will rise, — the 
tear of dejection will steal adown my cheek : — I fly to my pen, 
and strive to forget myself, and my sorrows, m conversing with 
my friend. 

In such a situation, my good Asem, it cannot be expected that 
I should be able so wholly to abstract myself from my own feel- 
ings, as to give thee a full and systematic account of the singular 
people among whom my disastrous lot has been cast. I can only 
find leisure, from my own individual sorrows, to entertain thee 
occasionally with some of the most prominent features of their 
character ; and now and then a solitary picture of their most pre- 
posterous eccentricities. 

I have before observed, that among the distinguishing charac- 
teristics of the people of this logocracy, is their invincible love of 
talking ; and, that I could compare the nation to nothing but a 
mighty wind-mill. Thou art doubtless at a loss to conceive how 
this mill is supplied with grist ; or, in other words, how it is pos- 
sible to furnish subjects to supply the perpetual motion of so 
many tongues. 

The genius of the nation appears in its highest lustre in this 
particular in the discovery, or rather the application, of a subject 
which seems to supply an inexhaustible mine of words. It is 
nothing more, my Mend, than politics ; a word which, I declare 



SALMAGUNDI, 159 

to thee, has perplexed me almost as much as the redoubtable one 
of economy. On consulting a dictionary of this language, I found 
it denoted the science of government ; and the relations, situations 
and dispositions of states and empires, — Good, thought I, for a 
people who boast of governing themselves there could not be a 
more important subject of investigation. I therefore listened 
attentively, expecting to hear from " the most enlightened people 
under the sun," for so they modestly term themselves, sublime 
disputations on the science of legislation and precepts of political 
wisdom that would not have disgraced our great prophet and 
legislator himself! — but, alas, Asem! how continually are my ex- 
pectations disappointed ! how dignified a meaning does this word 
bear in the dictionary ; — how despicable its common application ; 
I find it extending to every contemptible discussion of local ani- 
mosity, and every petty altercation of insignifictmt individuals. 
It embraces, alike, all manner of concerns ; from the organization 
of a divan, the election of a bashaw, or the levying of an army, to 
the appointment of a constable, the personal disputes of two 
miserable slang-whangers, the cleaning of the streets, or the 
economy of a dirt cart. A couple of politicians will quarrel, witli 
the most vociferous pertinacity, about the cliaracter of a bum- 
bailiff whom nobody aires for ; or the deportment of a little gi-eat 
man whom nobody knows ; — and this is called talking politics ; 
nay ! it is but a few days since that I was annoyed by a debate 
between two of my fellow lodgers, who were magnanimously em- 
ployed in condemning a luckless wight to infamy, because ho 
chose to wear a red coat, and to entertain certain erroneous 
opinions some thirty years ago. Shocked at their iUiberal and 
vindictive spirit, I rebuked them for thus indulging in slander and 
uncharitablenesses, about the color of a coat ; which had doubtless 
for many _years been worn out ; or the beUef in errors, which in 
aU probability had been long since atoned for and abandoned; 
but they justified themselves by alleging that they were only en- 
gaged in politics, and exerting that liberty of speech, and freedom 
of discussion, which was the glory and safeguard of their nation;d 
independence. ''Oh, Mahomet!" thouglit I, "what a country 
must that be, which builds its political safety on ruined characters 
and the persecution of individuals !" 

Into what transports of surprise and incredulity am I continu- 
ally betrayed, as tlie character of this eccentric people gradually 
developes itself to my observations. Every new research in- 
creases the perplexities in which I am involved, and I am more 
than ever at a loss where to place them in the scale of my esti- 
mation. It is thus the philosopher, in pursuing truth through 
the labyrinth of doubt, en*or and misrepresentation, frequently 
finds himself bewildered in the mazes of contradictory experience ; 
and almost wishes he could quietly retrace his wandering steps, steal 
back into the path of honest ignorance, and jog on once more in 
contented indifference. 



160 SALMAGUNDI. 

How fertile in these contradictions is this extensive logocracy ! 
Men of diflerent nations, manners and languages, live in this 
country in the most perfect harmony ; and nothing is more com- 
mon than to see individuals, whose respective governments are at 
variance, taking each other by the hand and exchanging the offices 
of friendship. Nay, even on the subject of rehgion, which, as it 
affects our dearest interests, our earliest opinions and prejudices, 
some warmth and heart-burnings might be excused, which, even 
in our enlightened country, is so fruitful in difference between 
man and man I — even religion occasions no dissension among 
these people ; and it has even been discovered, by one of their 
sages, that believing in one God or twenty Gods " neither breaks 
a man's leg nor picks his pocket." The idolatrous Persian may 
here bow down before his everlasting fire, and prostrate himself 
towards the glowing east. The Chinese may adore his Fo, or his 
Josh ; the Egyptian his stork ; and the Mussulman practise, un- 
molested, the divine precepts of our immortal prophet. Naj'-, 
even the forlorn, abandoned Atheist, who lays down at night 
without committing himself to the protection of heaven, and rises 
in the morning without returning thanks for his safety ; — who 
hath no deity but his own will ; — whose soul, like the sandy 
desert, is barren of every flower of hope to throw a solitary bloom 
over the dead level of sterility and soften the wide extent of deso- 
lation ; — whose darkened views extend not beyond the horizon 
that bounds his cheerless existence; — to whom no blissful per- 
spective opens beyond the grave ; — even he is suffered to indulge 
in his desperate opinions, without exciting one other emotion than 
pity or contempt. But this mild and tolerating spirit readies not 
beyond the pale of religion : — once differ in politics, in mere theo- 
ries, visions and chimeras, the growth of interest, of foll}^, or 
madness, and deadly warfare ensues : every eye flashes fire, every 
tonoue is loaded with reproach, and every heart is filled with gall 
and bitterness. 

At this period several unjustifiable and serious injuries on the 
part of the barbarians of the British island, have given a new 
impulse to the tongue and the pen, and occasioned a terrible 
wordy fever. Do not suppose, my friend, that I mean to condemn 
any proper and dignified expression of resentment for injuries. 
On the contrary, I love to see a word before a blow : for " in the 
fulness of the heart the tongue moveth." But my long experi- 
ence has convinced me, that people wlio talk the most about 
taking satisfaction for affronts, generally content themselves with 
talking instead of revenging the insult : like the street women of 
this country, who after a prodigious scolding, quietly sit down 
and fan themselves cool as fast as possible. But to return: — 
the rage for talking has now, in consequence of the aggressions I 
alluded to, increased to a degree far beyond what I have observed 
heretofore. In the gardens of his highness of Tripoli are fifteen 
thousand bee-hives, three hundred peacocks, and a prodigious 



SALMAGUNDI. 161 

nui t)er of parrots and baboons : — and yet I declare to thee, Asem, 
that their buzzing, and squaUing, and chattering is notliiug com- 
pared to the wild uproar, and war of words, now raging within 
the bosom of this mighty and distracted logocracy. Pohtics per- 
vade every city, every village, every temple, every porter-house : 
— the universal question is, " what is the news ?" This is a kind 
of challenge to political debate : and as no two men think exactly 
alike, 'tis ten to one but, before they finish, all the polite phrases 
m the language are exhausted by way of giving fire and energy 
to argument. "What renders this talking fever more alarming is, 
that the people appear to be in the unhappy state of a patient 
whose palate nauseates the medicine best calculated for the cure 
of his disease, and seem anxious to continue in the full enjoyment 
of their chattering epidemic. They alarm each other by direful 
reports and fearful apprehensions ; like I have seen a knot of old 
wives in this country, entertain themselves with stories of ghosts 
and goblins until their imaginations were in a most agonizing 
panic. Every day begets some new tale, big with agitation ; and 
the busy goddess, rumor, to speak in the poetic language of the 
Christians, is constantly in motion. She mounts her rattling 
stage-wagon, and gallops about the country, freighted with a 
load of "hints," "informations," " extracts of letters from respect- 
able gentlemen," "observations of respectable correspondents," 
and "unquestionable authorities;" — which her high-priests, the 
slang-whangers, retail to their sapient followers, with all the so- 
lemnity — and all the authenticity of oracles. True it is the unfor- 
tunate slang-whangers are sometimes at a loss for food, to supply 
this insatiable appetite for intelligence ; and are, not unfrequently, 
reduced to the necessity of manufacturing dishes suited to the 
taste of the times ; to be served up as morning and evening re- 
pasts to their disciples. 

When the hungry politician is thus fulT charged with important 
information, he sallies forth to give due exercise to his tongue ; 
and tells all he knows, to every body he meets. Now it is a 
thousand to one that every person he meets is just as wise as 
himself, charged with the same articles of information, and pos- 
sessed of the same violent inclination to give it vent ; for in this 
country every man adopts some particular slang- whan ger, as the 
standard of his judgment, and reads every thing he writes if he 
reads nothing else; which is doubtless the reason why the peo- 
ple of this logocracy are so marvellously enlightened. So away 
they tilt at each other with their borrowed lances, advancing to 
the combat with the opinions and speculations ,of their respective 
slang-whangers, which, in all probability, are diametrically oppo- 
site ; — here then arises as fair an opportunity for a battle of words 
as heart could wish ; and thou mayst rely upon it, Asem, they 
do not let it pass unimproved. They sometimes begin with argu- 
ment ; but in process of time, as the tongue begins to wax 
wanton, other auxiliaries become necessary ; recrimination com- 

11 



162 SALMAGUNDI. 

mences ; reproacli follows close at its heels : — from political abuse 
they proceed to personal ; and thus often is a friendship of years 
trampled down by this contemptible enemy, this gigantic dwarf 
of POLITICS, the mongrel issue of grovelhng ambition and aspiring 
ignorance I 

There would be but little harm indeed in all this, if it ended 
merely in a broken head ; for this might soon be healed, and the 
scar, if any remained, might serve as a warning ever after against 
the indulgence of political intemperance ; — at the worst, the loss 
of such heads as these would be a gain to the nation. But the evil 
extends far deeper ; it tlireatens to impair all social intercourse, 
and even to sever the sacred union of family and kindred. The 
convivial table is disturbed ; the cheerful fire-side is invaded ; the 
smile of social hilarity is chased away : — the bond of social love 
is broken by the everlasting intrusion of this fiend of contention, 
who lurks in the sparkhng bowl, crouches by the fire-side, growls 
in the friendly circle, infests every avenue to pleasure ; and, like 
the scowling incubus, sits on the bosom of society, pressing down 
and smothering every throb and pulsation of liberal philanthropy. 

But thou wilt perhaps ask, " What can these people dispute 
about ? One would suppose that, being all free and equal, they 
would harmonize as brothers ; children of the same parent, and 
equal heirs of the same inheritance." This theory is most exqui- 
site, my good friend, but in practice it turns out the very dream 
of a madman. Equality, Asem, is one of the most consummate 
scoundrels that ever crept from the brain of a political juggler — 
a fellow who thrusts his hand into the pocket of honest industry, 
or enterprising talent, and squanders their hard-earned profits on 
profligate idleness or indolent stupidity. There will always be an 
inequality among mankind so long as a portion of it is enlight- 
ened and industrious, and the rest idle and ignorant. The one 
will acquire a larger share of wealth, and its attendant comforts, 
refinements, and luxuries of life, and the influence and power 
which those will always possess who have the greatest ability of 
adminishering to the necessities of their fellow creatures. These 
advantages will inevitably excite envy ; and envy as inevitably 
begets ill-will: — henco arises that eternal warfare which tlie 
lower orders of society are waging against those who have raised 
themselves by their own merits, or have been raised by the merits 
of their ancestors, above the common level. In a nation pos- 
sessed of quick feelings and impetuous passions, the hostility 
might engender deadly broils and bloody commotions ; but here 
it merely vents itself in high-sounding words, which lead to 
continual breaches of decorum, or in the insidious assassination 
of character, and a restless propensity among the base to blacken 
every reputation which is fairer than their own. 

I cannot help smiling sometimes to see the solicitude with 
which the people of America, so called from the country having 
been first discovered by Cliristopher Columbus, battle about them 



SALMAGUNDI. 163 

when any election takes place, as if they had the least concern in 
the matter, or were to be benefited by an exchange of bashaws : 
they really seem ignorant that none but the bashaws and their 
dependents are at all interested in the event ; and that the people 
at large will not find their situation altered in the least. I formerly 
gave thee an account of an election which took place under my 
eye. The result has been that the people, as some of the slang- 
whangers say, have obtained a glorious triumph, which, however, 
is flatly denied by the opposite slang- whangers, who insist that 
their party is composed of the true sovereign people ; and that 
the others are all jacobins. Frenchmen, and Irish rebels. I ought 
to apprise thee that the last is a term of great reproach here ; 
which, perhaps, thou wouldst not otherwise imagine, considering 
that it is not many years since this very people were engaged in 
a revolution ; the failure of which would have subjected them to 
the same ignominious epithet, and a participation in which is now 
the highest recommendation to public confidence. By Mahomet, 
but it cannot be denied that the consistency of this people, like 
everything else appertaining to them, is on a prodigious great 
scale! To return, however, to the event of the election. The 
people triumphed ; and much good has it done them. I, for my 
part, expected to see wonderful changes, and most magical meta- 
morphoses. I expected to see the people all rich, that they 
would be all gentlemen bashaws, riding in their coaches and far- 
ing sumptuously every day, emancipated from toil, and revelling 
in luxurious ease. Wilt thou credit me, Asem, wlien I declare 
unto thee, that everything remains exactly in the same state it 
was before the last wordy campaign? except a few noisy re- 
tainers who have crept into office, and a few noisy patriots, on 
the other side, who have been kicked out, there is not the least 
difference. The laborer toils for his daily support ; the beggar 
still lives on the charity of those who have any charity to bestow; 
and the only solid satisfaction the multitude have reaped is, that 
they have got a new governor, or bashaw, whom they will praise, 
idolize, and exalt for a while, and afterwards, notwithstanding 
the sterling merits he really possesses, in compliance with imme- 
morial custom, they will abuse, calumniate, and trample him 
under foot. 

Such, my dear Asem, is the way in which the wise people of 
" the most enlightened country under the sun," are amused with 
straws, and puffed up with mighty conceits ; like a certain fish I 
have seen here, which having his belly tickled for a short time, 
will swell and puff himself up to twice his usual size, and become 
a mere bladder of wind and vanity. 

The blessing of a true Mussulman light on thee, good Asem ; 
ever, while thou livest, be true to thy prophet ; and rejoice that, 
though the boasting political chatterers of this logocracy cast 
upon thy countrymen the ignominious epithet of slaves, thou hv- 
est in a country where the people, instead of being at the mercy 



164 SALMAGUNDI. 

of a tyrant with a million of heads, have nothing to do but submit 
to the wiU of a bashaw of only three tails. 

Ever thine 

MUSTAPHA. 



COCEXOFT HALL. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

Those who pass their time immured in the smoky circum- 
ference of the city, amid the ratmng of carts, the brawling of the 
multitude, and the variety of unmeaning and discordant sounds 
that prey insensibly upon the nerves, and beget a weariness of 
the spirits, can alone understand and feel that expansion of the 
heart, that physical renovation which a citizen experiences when 
he steals forth from his dusty prison, to breathe the free air of 
heaven, and enjoy the clear face of nature. Who that has ram- 
bled by the side of one of our majestic rivers, at the hour of sun- 
set, when the wildly romantic scenery around is softened and 
tinted by the voluptuous mist of evening; when the bold and 
swelling outlines of the distant mountain seem melting into the 
glowing horizon, and a rich mantle of refulgence is thrown over 
the whole expanse of the heavens, but must have felt how abundant 
is nature in sources of pure enjoyment ; how luxuriant in all that 
can enliven the senses or dehght the imagination. The jocund 
zephyr, full freighted with native fragrance, sues sweetly to the 
senses ; the chirping of the thousand varieties of insects with 
which our woodlands abound forms a concert of simple melody; 
even the barking of the farm dog, the lowing of the cattle, the 
tinkling of their beUs, and the strokes of the woodman's axe from 
the opposite shore, seem to partake of the softness of the scene, 
and fall tunefully upon the ear : while the voice of the villager, 
chanting some rustic ballad, swells from a distance, in the sem- 
blance of the very music of harmonious love. 

At such times I feel a sensation of sweet tranquillity ; a hal- 
lowed calm is diffused over my senses ; I cast my eyes around, 
and every object is serene, simple, and beautiful ; no warring pas- 
sion, no discordant string there vibrates to the touch of ambition, 
self-interest, hatred, or revenge ; — I am at peace with the whole 
world, and hail all mankind as friends and brothers. — Blissful 
moments 1 ye recall the careless days of my boyhood, when mere 
existence was happiness, when hope was certainty, this world a 
paradise, and every woman a ministering angel ! — surely man was 
designed for a tenant of the universe, instead of being pent up in 



SALMAGUNDI. 



165 



these dismal cages, these dens of strife, disease, and discord 
We were created to range the fields, to sport among the groves' 
to build castles in the air, and have every one of them realized ! ' 
^ A whole legion of reflections like these insinuated themselves 
mto my mind, and stole me from the influence of the cold reahties 
before me, as I took my accustomed walk, a few weeks since 
on the battery. Here watching the splendid mutations of one of 
our summer skies, which emulated the boasted glories of an 
Italian sun-set, I all at once discovered that it was but pack up 
my portmanteau, bid adieu for awhfle to my elbow-chau-, and in a 
httle time I should be transported from the region of smoke and 
noise, and dust, to the enjoyment of a far sweeter prospect and a 
brighter sky. The next morning I was off full tilt to Cockloft 
Hall, leaving my man Pompey to follow at his leisure with my 
baggage. I love to indulge in rapid transitions, wliich are 
prompted by the quick impulse of the moment ;— 'tis the only 
mode of guarding against that intrudmg and deadly foe to all par- 
ties of pleasure — anticipation. 

Having now made good my retreat, until the black frosts com- 
mence. It IS but a piece of civility due to my readers, who I trust 
are, ere tins, my friends, to give them a proper introduction to 
my present residence. I do this as much to gratify them as my- 
self; well knowing a reader is always anxious to learn how his 
author is lodged, whether in a garret, a ceUar, a hovel, or a 
palace ; at least an author is generally vain enough to think so • 
and an author's vanity ought sometimes to be gratified- poor 
vagabond 1 it is often the only gratification he ever tastes in this 
world I 

Cockloft Hall is the country residence of the family or 
rather the paternal mansion; which, like the mother country 
sends forth whole colonies to populate the face of the earth Pin- 
dar whimsically denominates it the family hive ! and there is at 
least as much truth as humor in my cousin's epithet;— for many 
a redundant swarm has it produced. I don't recollect whether I 
have at any time mentioned to my readers, for I seldom look back 
on what I have written, that the fertility of the Cocklofts is pro- 
verbial. The female members of the family are most incredibly 
truitiul ; and to use a favorfte phrase of old Cockloft, who is 
excessively addicted to backgammon, they seldom faU "to throw 
doublets every time." I myself have known three or four very 
industrious young men reduced to great extremities, with some 
ottliese capital breeders; heaven smfled upon their union, and 
enriched them with a numerous and hopeful ofispring— who eat 
tliem out of doors. 

But to return to the hall. It is pleasantly situated on the bank 
of a sweet pastoral stream ; not so near town as to invite an 
inundation of unmeaning, idle acquaintance, who come to lounge 
it\vay an afternoon, nor so distant as to render it an absolute deed 
ot (ilianty or friendship to perform the journey. It is one of the 



166 SALMAGUNDI. 

oldast habitations in the country, and was built by my cousin 
Christopher's grandfather, who was also mine by the mother's 
side, in liis latter days, to form, as the old gentleman expressed 
himself, " a snug retreat, wliere he meant to sit himself down in 
his old days, and be comfortable for the rest of his life." He was 
at this time a few years over fourscore ; but this was a common 
saying of his, with which he usually closed his airy speculations. 
One would have thought, from the long vista of years through 
which he contemplated many of his projects, that the good man 
had forgot the age of the patriarchs had long since gone by, and 
calculated upon living a century longer at least. He was for a 
considerable time in doubt, on tlie question of roofing his house 
with shingles or slates : — shingles would not last above tliirty 
years ! but then they were mucli cheaper than slates. He set- 
tled the matter by a kind of compromise, and determined to 
build with shingles first; "and when they are worn out," said 
the old gentleman triumphantly, " 'twill be time enough to replace 
them with more durable materials 1" But his contemplated im- 
provements surpassed everything; and scarcely had he a roof 
over his head, when he discovered a thousand things to be ar- 
ranged before he could "sit down comfortably." In the first 
place, every tree and bush on the place, was cut down or grubbed 
up by the roots, because they were not placed to his mind ; and 
a vast quantity of oaka, chestnuts, and elms, set out in clumps, 
and rows, and labyrinths, which, he observed, in about five-and 
twenty or thirty years at most, would yield a very tolerable shade, 
and, moreover, shut out all the suiTounding country ; for he was 
determined, he said, to have all his views on his own land, and 
be beholden to no man for a prospect. This, my learned readers 
will perceive, was something very like the idea of Lorenzo de 
Medici, who gave as a reason for preferring one of his seats above 
all the others, " that all the ground within view of it was his 
own:" now, whether my grandfather ever heard of the Medici, is 
more than I can say ; I rather think, however, from the charac- 
teristic originality of the Cocklofts, that it wa.s a whim-wham of 
his own begetting. Another odd notion of the old gentleman, 
was to blow up a large bed of rocks, for tiie purpose of having a 
fish-pond, although the river ran at about one hundred yards' dis- 
tance from the house, and wag well stored with fish ; but there 
was nothing, he said, like having things to one's self. So at it he 
went with all the ardor of a projector, who has just hit upon some 
splendid and useless whim-whara. As he proceeded, his views 
enlarged ; he would have a summer-house built on the margin of 
the fish-pond ; he would have it surrounded with elms and wil- 
lows ; and he would have a cellar dug under it, for some incom- 
prehensible purpose, which remains a secret to this day. "In a 
few years," he observed, "it would be a delightful piece of wood 
and water, where he might ramble on a summer's noon, smoke 
his pipe, and enjoy himself in bis old days;" — thrice lionest old 



SALMAGUNDI. 167 

soul ! — ^he died of an apoplexy in his ninetieth year, just as he 
had begun to blow up the fish-pond. 

Let no one ridicule tlie whim-whams of my grandfather. 

If — and of this there is no doubt, for wise men have said it — if 
hfe is but a dream, liappy is he who can make the most of the 
illusion. 

Since my grandfather's death, the hall has passed through the 
hands of a succession of true old cavaliers, like himself, who glo- 
ried in observing the golden rules of hospitality; which, accord- 
ing to the Cockloft principle, consist in giving a guest the freedom 
of the house, cramming him with beef and pudding, and, if possi- 
ble, laying him under the table witli prime port, claret, or Lon- 
don particular. The mansion appears to have been consecrated 
to the jolly God, and teems with monuments sacred to convivi- 
ality. Every chest of drawers, clothes-press, and cabinet, is deco- 
rated with enormous China punch-bowls, which Mrs. Cockloft has 
paraded with much ostentation, particularly in her favorite red 
damask bed-chamber, and in which a projector might, with great 
satisfaction, practise his experiments on fleets, diving-bells, and 
submarine boats. 

I have before mentioned cousin Christopher's profound venera- 
tion for antique furniture ; in consequence of which the old hall 
is furnished in much the same style with the house in town. Old- 
fashioned bedsteads, with high testers ; massy clothes-presses, 
standing most majestically on eagles' claws, and ornamented with 
a profusion of shining brass handles, clasps, and hinges; and 
around the grand parlor are solemnly arranged a set of high- 
backed, leather-bottomed, massy, mahogany chairs, that always 
remind me of the formal long-waisted belles, who flourished in 
stays and buckram, about the time they were in fashion. 

If I may judge from their height, it was not the fashion for 
gentlemen in those days to loll over the back of a lady's chair, and 
whisper in her ear what — might be as well spoken aloud ; — at 
least, they must have been Patagonians to have effected it. Will 
Wizard declares, that he saw a httle fat German gallant attempt 
once to whisper Miss Barbara Cockloft in this manner, but being 
unluckily caught by the chin, he dangled and kicked about for 
half a minute, before he could find terra firma; — but Will is 
much addicted to hyperbole, by reason of his having been a great 
traveller. 

But what the Cocklofts most especially pride themselves upon, 
is the possession of several family portraits, which exhibit as 
honest a square set of portly well fed looking gentlemen and 
gentlewomen, as ever grew and flourished under the pencil of a 
Dutch painter. Old Christopher, who is a complete genealogist, 
has a story to tell of each ; and dilates with copious eloquence on 
the great services of the general in large sleeves, during the old 
French war ; and on the piety of the lady in blue velvet, who so 
attentively peruses her book, and was once so celebrated for a 



168 SALMAGUNDI. 

beautiful arm : but, much as I reverence my illustrious ancestors, 
I find little to admire in their biography, except my cousin's ex- 
cellent memory ; which is most provokingly retentive of every 
uninteresting particular. 

My allotted chamber in the hall is the same that was occu- 
pied in daj^s of yore by my honored uncle John. The room 
exhibits many memorials which recall to my remembrance the 
solid excellence and amiable eccentricities of that gallant old lad. 
Over the mantel-piece hangs the portrait of a young lady dressed 
in a flaring, long-waisted, blue silk gown ; be-flowered, and be- 
furbelowed, and becufted, in a most abundant manner; she holds 
in one hand a book, which she very complaisantly neglects to 
turn and smile on the spectator ; in the other a flower, which I 
hope, for the honor of dame nature, was the sole production of the 
painter's imagination ; and a little behind her is something tied to 
a blue riband, but whether a little dog, a monkey, or a pigeon, 
must be left to the judgment of future commentators. This little 
damsel, tradition says, was my uncle John's third flame ; and he 
would infallibly have run away with her, could he have persuaded 
her into the measure ; but at that time ladies were not quite so 
easily run away with as Columbine ; and my uncle failing in the 
point, took a lucky thought ; and with great gallantry ran off 
with her picture, which he conveyed in tj-iumph to Cockloft hall, 
and hung up in his bed-chamber as a monument of his enterpris- 
ing spirit. The old gentleman prided himself mightily on this chi- 
valric manoeuvre ; always chuckled, and pulled up his stock wlien 
he contemplated the picture, and never related the exploit with- 
out winding up with — " I might, indeed, have carried off the 
original, had I chose to dangle a little longer after her chariot- 
wheels ; — for, to do the girl justice, I believe she had a hking for 
me ; but I always scorned to coax, my boy, — always, — 'twas my 
way." My uncle John was of a happy temperament; — I would 
give half I am worth for his talent at self consolation. 

The Miss Cocklofts have made several spirited attempts to ni- 
troduce modem furniture into the hall ; but with very indifterent 
success. Modem style has always been an object of great annoy- 
ance to honest Christopher; and is ever treated by him with 
sovereign contempt, as an upstart intruder. — It is a common ob- 
servation of his, that your old-fashioned substantial furniture be- 
speaks tlie respectability of one's ancestors, and indicates that the 
family has been used to hold up its head for more than the present 
generation ; whereas the fragile appendages of modern style 
seemed to be emblems of mushroom gentility ; and, to his mind, 
predicted that the family dignity would moulder away and vanish 
with the finery thus put on of a sudden. — The same whim- wham 
makes him averse to having his house surrounded with poplars ; 
which he stigmatizes as mere upstarts ; just fit to ornament the 
shingle palaces of modern gentry, and characteristic of the esta- 
blishments they decorate. Indeed, so far does he carry his veuera- 



SALMAGUNDI. 169 

tion for all the antique trumpery, that he can scarcely see the 
venerable dust brushed from its resting-place on the old-fashioned 
testers ; or a gray-bearded spider dislodged from its ancient 
inheritance without groaning ; and I once saw him in a transport 
of passion on Jeremy's knocking down a mouldering martin -coop 
with his tennis-ball, which had been set up in the latter days of 
my grandfather. Another object of his pecuhar affection is an old 
English cherry-tree, which leans against a corner of the hall ; and 
whether the house supports it, or it supports the house, would be, 
I believe, a question of some difficulty to decide. It is held sacred 
by friend Christopher because he planted and reared it himself, 
and had once well nigh broke his neck by a fall from one of its 
branches. This is one of his favorite stories : — and there is reason 
to believe, that if the tree was out of the way, the old gentleman 
would forget the whole affair ; — which would be a great pity. — 
The old tree has long since ceased bearing, and is exceedingly in- 
firm ; — every tempest robs it of a limb ; and one would suppose 
from the lamentations of my old friend, on such occasions, that he 
had lost one of his own. He often contemplates it in a half- 
melancholy, half-moralizing humor — "together," he says, "have 
we flourished, and together shall we wither away : — a few years, 
and both our heads will be laid low ; and, perhaps, my moulder- 
ing bones may, one day or other, mingle with the dust of the tree 
I have planted." He often fancies, he says, that it rejoices to see 
him when he revisits the hall ; and that its leaves assume a 
brighter verdure, as if to welcome his arrival. How whimsically 
are our tenderest feelings assailed ! At one time the old tree had 
obtruded a withered branch before Miss Barbara's window, and 
she desired her father to order the gardener to saw it off. I shall 
never forget the old man's answer, and the look that accompanied 
it. " What," cried he, " lop ofi" the limbs of my cherry tree in its 
old age ? — why do you not cut ofi' the gray locks of your poor old 
father?" 

Do my readers yawn at this long family detail? They are 
welcome to throw down our work, and never resume it again. 
I have no care for such ungratified spirits, and will not throw 
away a thought on one of them ; — full often have I contributed 
to their amusement, and have not I a right, for once, to consult 
my own ? Who is there that does not fondly turn, at times, to 
linger round those scenes which were once the haunt of his boy- 
hood, ere his heart grew heavy and his head waxed grey ; — and 
to dwell with fond affection on the friends who have twined 

themselves round his heart, mingled in all his enjoyments, 

contributed to all his felicities? If there be any, who cannot 
relish these enjoyments, let them despair ; — for they have been so 
soiled in their intercourse with the world, as to be incapable of 
tasting some of the purest pleasures that survive the happy period 
of youth. 

To such as have not yet lost the rural feeling I address this sim- 



170 SALMAGUNDI. 

pie family picture ; and in the honest sincerity of a warm heart, I 
invite them to turn aside from bustle, care, and toil, to tarry with 
me for a season, in the hospitable mansion of the Cocklofts, 



I was really apprehensive, on reading the following effusion of 
"Will Wizard, that he stUl retained that pestilent hankering after 
puns of which we lately convicted him. He, however, declares 
that he is fully authorised by the example of the most popular 
critics and wits of the present age, whose manner and matter he 
has closely, and he flatters himself successfully, copied in the sub- 
sequent essay. 



THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

The uncommon healthiness of the season occasioned, as several 
learned physicians assure me, by the universal prevalence of the 
influenza, has encouraged the chieftain of our dramatic corps to 
marshal his forces, and to commence the campaign at a much 
earlier day than usual. He has been induced to take the field, 
thus suddenly, I am told, by the invasion of certain foreign ma- 
rauders, who pitched their tents at Vauxhall Garden during the 
warm mouths ; and taking advantage of his army being disbanded 
and dispersed in summer quarters, committed sad depredations 
upon the borders of liis territories ; — carrying off a considerable 
portion of his winter harvest, and murdering some of his most 
distinguished characters. 

It is true, these hardy invaders have been reduced to great 
extremity by the late heavy rains, which injured and destroyed 
much of their camp equipage, besides spoiling the best part of 
their wardrobe. Two cities, a triumphal car, and a new moon for 
Cinderella, together with the barber's boy who was employed 
every night to powder and make it shine white, have been 
entirely washed away, and the sea has become very wet and 
mouldy ; insomuch that great apprehensions are entertained that 
it will never be dry enough for use. Add to this the noble 
county Paris had the misfortune to tear his corduroy breeches, in 
the seufifle with Romeo, by reason of the tomb being very wet, 
which occasioned him to slip ; and he and his noble rival pos- 
sessing but one poor pair of satin ones between them, were 
reduced to considerable shifts to keep up the dignity of their 
respective houses. In spite of these disadvantages, and the 



SALMAGUNDI. 171 

untoward circumstances, they continued to enact most intrepidly 
performing with much ease and confidence, inasmuch as they 
were seldom pestered with an audience to criticise and put them 
out of countenance. It is rumored that the last heavy shower 
absolutely dissolved the company, and that our manager has nothmg 
further to apprehend from that quarter. 

The theatre opened on Wednesday last, with great eclat, as we 
critics say, and almost vied in brilliancy with that of my superb 
friend Consequa in Canton, where the castles were all ivory the sea 
mother of pearl, the skies gold and silver leaf, and the outside of 
the boxes mlaid with scaUop shell-work. Those who want a 
better description of the theatre, may as well go and see it and 
then they can judge for themselves. For the gratification' of a 
highly respectable class of readers, who love to see every thing on 
paper, I had indeed prepared a circumstantial and truly incom- 
prehensible account of it, such as your traveller always fills his 
book with, and which I defy the most intelligent architect, even 
the great Sir Christopher Wren, to understand. I had jumbled 
cornices, and pilasters, and pillars, and capitals, and trigliphs, and 
modules, and plinths, and volutes, and perspectives, and fore-short- 
enings, helter-skelter; and had set all the orders of architecture 
Done, Ionic, Corinthian, &c., together by the ears, in order to 
work out a satisfactory description ; but the manager having sent 
me a pohte note, requesting that I would not take off the sharp 
edge, as he whimsically expressed it, of public curiosity, thereby 
diminishing the receipts of his house, I have wUlingly consented 
to oblige him, and have left my description at the store of our 
pubhsher, where any person may see it— provided he appUes at a 
proper hour. 

I cannot refrain here from giving vent to the satisfaction I 
received from the excellent performances of the different actors 
one and all; and particularly the gentlemen who shifted tlie 
scenes, who acquitted themselves throughout with great celerity 
dignity, pathos, and effect. Nor must I pass over the pecu- 
liar merits of my friend John, who gallanted off the chairs and 
tables m the most dignified and circumspect manner. Indeed I 
have had frequent occasion to applaud the correctness with which 
this gentleman fulfils the parts allotted him, and consider him as 
one of the best general performers in the companv. My friend 
the cockney, found considerable fault with the manner in which 
John shoved a huge rock from behind the scenes ; maintaininc^ 
that he should have put his left foot forward, and pushed it with 
his right hand, that being the method practised by his contempo- 
raries of the royal theatres, and universally approved by their best 
critics. He also took exception to John's coat, which he pro- 
nounced too short by a foot at least, particularly when he turned 
his back to the company. But I look upon these objections in 
the same light as new readings, and insist that John shall be 
allowed to manoeuvre his chaii's and tables, shove his rocks, and 



112 SALMAGUNDI. 

wear his skirts in that style which his genius best efifects. My 
hopes in the rising merit of this favorite actor daily increase ; 
and I would hint to the manager the propriety of givmg him a 
benefit, advertising in the usual style of play-bills, as a " springe 
to catch woodcocks," that, between the play and farce, John will 
MAKE A BOW — for that night only ! 

I am told that no pains have been spared to make the exhibi- 
tions of this season as splendid as possible. Several expert rat- 
catchers have been sent into different parts of the country to catch 
white mice, for the grand pantomime of Cinderella. A nest full 
of little squab Cupids have been taken in the neighborhood of 
Communipaw ; they are as yet but half fledged, of the true Holland 
breed, and it is hoped will be able to fly about by the middle of 
October ; otherwise they will be suspended about the stage by 
the waistband, like little alligators in an apothecary's shop, as the 
pantomime must positively be performed by that time. Great 
pains and expense have been incurred in the importation of one 
of the most portly pumpkins in New England ; and the public 
may be assured there is now one on board a vessel from New 
Haven, which will contain Cinderella's coach and six with perfect 
ease, were the white mice even ten times as large. 

Also several barrels of hail, rain, brimstone, and gunpowder, 
are in store for melo-dramas, of which a number are to be played 
off this winter. It is furthermore whispered me that the great 
thunder drum has been new braced, and an expert performer on 
that instrument engaged, who wUl thunder in plain English, so 
as to be understood by the most ilhterate hearer. This will be 
infinitely preferable to the miserable Itahan thunderer, remployed 
last winter by Mr. Ciceri, who performed in such an unnatural 
and outlandish tongue, that none but the scholars of signer Da 
Ponte could understand him. It will be a further gratification to 
the patriotic audience to know, that the present thunderer is a 
fellow-countryman, born at Dunderbarrack, among the echoes of 
the Highlands ; — and that he thunders with peculiar emphasis 
and pompous enunciation, in the true style of a fourth of July 
orator. 

In addition, to all these additions, the manager has provided an 
entire new snow-storm, the veiy sight of which will be quite suffi- 
cient to draw a shawl over every naked bosom in the theatre ; the 
snow is perfectly fresh, having been manufactured last August. 

N. B. The outside of the theatre has been ornamented with a 
new chimney 1 1 



SALMAGUNDI. 173 



No. XV.— THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1807. 
SKETCHES FROM NATURE. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

The brisk north-westers, which prevailed not long since, had a 
powerful effect in arresting the progress of belles, beaux, and 
wQd pigeons in their fashionable northern tour, and turning them 
back to the more balmy region of the south. Among the rest, I 
was encountered, full butt, by a blast which set my teeth chat- 
tering, just as I doubled one of the frowning bluffs of the Mohawk 
mountains, in my route to Niagara; and facing about inconti- 
nently, I forthwith scud before the wind, and a few days since 
arrived at my old quarters in New York. My first care, on 
returning from so long an absence, was to visit the worthy family 
of the Cocklofts, whom I found safe burrowed in their country 
mansion. On inquiring for my liighly respected coadjutor, Lang- 
staflf, I learned with great concern that he had relapsed into one 
of his eccentric fits of the spleen, ever since the era of a turtle 
dinner given by old Cockloft to some of the neighboring squires : 
wherein the old gentleman had achieved a glorious victory, in 
laying honest Launcelot fairly under the table. Langstaff, 
although fond of the social board and cheerful glass, yet abomi- 
nates any excess ; and has an invincible aversion to getting mel- 
low, considering it a wilful outrage on the sanctity of imperial 
mind, a senseless abuse of the body, and an unpardonable, because 
a voluntary, prostration of both mental and personal dignity. I 
have heard him moraUze on the subject, in a style that would 
do honor to Michael Cassio himself; but I believe, if the truth 
were known, this antipathy rather rises from his having, as the 
phrase is, but a weak head, and nerves so extremely sensitive, 
that he is sure to suffer severely from a frolic ; and will groan and 
make resolutions against it for a week afterwards. He therefore 
took this waggish exploit of old Christopher's, and the consequent 
quizzing which he underwent, in high dudgeon; had kept aloof 
from company for a fortnight, and appeared to be meditating some 
deep plan of retaliation upon his mischievous old crony. He 
had, however, for the last day or two, shown some symptoms of 
convalescence: had listened, without more than half a dozen 
twitches of impatience, to one of Christopher's unconscionable long 



174 SALMAGUNDI. 

stories ; and even was seen to smile, for the one hundred and 
thirtieth time, at a venerable joke originally borrowed from Joe 
Miller ; but which, by dint of long occupancy, and frequent repeti- 
tion, the old gentleman now firmly believes happened to himself 
somewhere in New England. 

As I am well acquainted with Launcelot's haunts, I soon found 
him out. He was lolling on his favorite bench, rudely construct- 
ed at the foot of an old tree, which is full of fantastical twists, and 
with its spreading branches forms a canopy of luxuriant foliage. 
This tree is a kind of chronicle of the short reigns of his uncle 
John's mistresses ; and its trunk is sorely wounded with carvings 
of true lovers' knots, hearts, darts, names, and inscriptions! — 
frail memorials of the variety of the fair dames who captivated 
the wandering fancy of that old cavalier in the days of his youth- 
ful romance. Launcelot holds this tree in particular regard, as he 
does every thing else connected with the memory of his good 
uncle John. He was reclining, in one of his usual brown studies, 
against its trunk, and gazing pensively upon the river that glided 
just by, washing the drooping branches of the dwarf willows that 
fringed its bank. My appearance roused him ; — he grasped my 
hand with his usual warmth, and with a tremulous but close pres- 
sure, which spoke that his heart entered into the salutation. 
After a number of affectionate inquiries and felicitations, such as 
friendship, not form, dictated, he seemed to relapse into his former 
flow of thought, and to resume the chain of ideas my appearance 
had broken for a moment. 

"I was reflecting," said he, "my dear Anthony, upon some 
observations I made in our last number ; and considering whether 
the sight of objects once dear to the affections, or of scenes where 
we have passed different happy periods of early life, really occa- 
sions most enjoyment or most regret. Renewing our acquaint- 
ance with well-known but long separated objects, revives, it is 
true, the recollection of former pleasures, and touches the tender- 
est feelings of the heart ; like the flavor of a delicious beverage, 
will remain upon the palate long after the cup has parted from the 
lips. But on the other hand, my friend, these same objects are too 
apt to awaken us to a keener recollection of what we were, when 
they erst delighted us; and to provoke a mortifying and melan- 
choly contrast with what we are at present. They act, in a man- 
ner, as milestones of existence, showing us how liar we have tra- 
velled in the journey of life ; — how much of our weary but fasci- 
nating pilgrimage is accomplished. I look round me, and my eye 
fondly recognises the fields I once sported over, the river in 
which I once swam, and the orchard I intrepidly robbed in the 
halcyon days of boyhood. The fields are still green, the river 
still rolls unaltered and undiminished, and the orchard is still 
flourishing and fruitful ; — it is I only am changed. The thought- 
less flow of mad-cap spirits that nothing could depress ; — the elas- 
ticity of nerve that enabled me to bound over the field, to stem 



SALMAGUNDI. 175 

the stream, and climb tlie tree; — ^the "sunshine of the breast" 
that beamed an illusive charm over every object, and created a 
paradise around me! — where are they? — the thievish lapse of 
years has stolen them away, and left in return nothing but gray 
hairs, and a repining spirit." My friend Launcelot concluded his 
harangue with a sigh, and as I saw he was still under the influ- 
ence of a whole legion of tlie blues, and just on the point of sink- 
ing into one of his whimsical and unreasonable fits of melancholy 
abstraction, I proposed a walk ; he consented, and slipping his 
left arm in mine, and waving in the other a gold-headed thorn 
cane, bequeathed him by his uncle John, we slowly rambled 
along the margin of the river. 

Langstaft', though possessing great vivacity of temper, is most 
wofully subject to these "thick coming fancies:" and I do not 
know a man whose animal spirits do insult him with more jiltings, 
and coquetries, and slippery tricks. In these moods he is often 
visited by a vvliim-wham which he indulges in common with the 
Cocklofts. It is that of looking back with regret, conjuring up the 
phantoms of good old times, and decking them out in imaginary 
finery, with the spoils of his fancy; like a good lady widow, 
regretting the loss of the "poor dear man;" for whom, while liv- 
ing, she cared not a rush. I have seen him and Pindar, and old 
Cockloft, amuse themselves over a bottle with their youthful 
days ; until by the time they had become what is termed merry, 
they were the most miserable beings in existence. In a similar 
humor was Launcelot at present, and I knew the only way was 
to let him moralize himself out of it. 

Our ramble was soon interrupted by the appearance of a per- 
sonage of no little importance at Cockloft-hall: — for, to let my 
readers into a family secret, friend Christopher is notoriously hen- 
pecked by an old negro, who has whitened on the place ; and is 
his master, almanac, and counsellor. My readers, if haply they 
have sojourned in the country, and become conversant in rural 
manners, must have observed, that there is scarce a little hamlet 
but has one of these old weather-beaten wiseacres of negroes, who 
ranks among the great characters of the place. He is always 
resorted to as an oracle to resolve any question about the wea- 
ther, fishing, shooting, farming, and horse-doctoring: and on such 
occasions will slouch his remnant of a hat on one side, fold his 
arms, roll his white eyes and examine the sky, with a look as 
knowing as Peter Pindar's magpie when peeping into a marrow- 
bone. Such a sage curmudgeon is Old Caesar, who acts as fi-iend 
Cockloft's prime minister or grand vizier ; assumes, when abroad, 
his master's style and title ; to wit, squire Cockloft ; and is, in 
effect, absolute lord and ruler of the soil. 

As he passed us, he pulled off" his hat with an air of something 
more than respect ; — it partook, I thouglit, of affection, " There, 
now, is another memento of the kind I have been noticing," said 
Launcelot ; " Caesar was a bosom friend and chosen playmate of 



IT 6 SALMAGUNDI. 

cousin Pindar and myself, when we were boys. Never were we 
so happy as when, steahng away on a holiday to the hall, we 
ranged about the fields with honest Csesar. He was particularly 
adroit in making our quail-traps and fishing rods; was always 
the ring-leader in all the schemes of frolicksome mischief per- 
petrated by the urchins of the neighborhood ; considered himself 
on an equahty with the best of us ; and many a hard battle have 
I had with him, about the division of the spoils of an orchard, or 
the title to a bird's nest. Many a summer evening do I remember 
when, huddled together on the steps of the hall door, Csesar, 
with his stories of ghosts, goblins, and witches, would put us all in 
a panic, and people every lane, and church-yard, and solitary 
wood, with imaginary beings. In process of time, he became the 
constant attendant and Man Friday of cousin Pindar, whenever 
he went a sparking among the rosy country girls of the neigh- 
boring farms; and brought up his rear at every rustic dance, 
when he would mingle in the sable group that always thronged 
the door of merriment; and it was enough to put to the rout a 
host of splenetic imps to see his mouth gradually dilate from ear 
to ear, with pride and exultation, at seeing how neatly master 
Pindar footed it over the floor. Caesar was likewise the chosen 
confidant and special agent of Pindar in all his love afiairs, until, 
as his evil stars would have it, on being entrusted with the 
delivery of a poetic billetdoux to one of his patron's sweethearts, 
he took an unlucky notion to send it to his own sable dulcinea ; 
who, not being able to read it, rook it to her mistress; — and so 
the whole affair was blown. Pindar was universally roasted, 
and Caesar discharged for ever from his confidence. 

" Poor Caesar ! — he has now grown old, like his young masters, 
but he still remembers old times ; and will, now and then, remind 
me of them as he lights me to my room, and lingers a little while 

to bid me a good night: believe me, my dear Evergreen, the 

honest simple old creature has a wann comer in my heart ; — I 
don't see, for my part, why a body may not like a negro as well 
as a white man !" 

By the time these biographical anecdotes were ended we had 
reached the stable, into which we involuntarily strolled, and 
found Caesar busily employed in rubbing down the horses ; an 
office he would not entrust to any body else ; having contracted an 
affection for every beast in the stable, from their being descendants 
of the old race of animals, his youthful contemporaries. Caesar 
was very particular in giving us their pedigrees, together with a 
panegyric on the swiftness, bottom, blood, and spirit of their sires. 
Prom these he digressed into a variety of anecdotes in which 
Launcelot bore a conspicuous part, and on which the old negro 
dwelt with all the garrulity of age. Honest Langstaff stood 
leaning with his arm over the back of his favorite steed, old 
Killdeer; and I could perceive he listened to Caesar's simple 
details with that fond attention with which a feelinsr mind will 



SALMAGUNDI. 177 

hang over narratives of boyish days. His eye sparkled with 
animation, a glow of youthful fire stole across his pale visage ; he 
nodded with smiling approbation at every sentence ; — chuckled 
at every exploit ; laughed heartily at the story of his once having 
smoked out a country singing school with brimstone and as- 
safoetida ; — and slipping a piece of money into old Caesar's hand to 
buy himself a new tobacco-box, he seized me by the arm and 
hurried out of the stable brimful of good nature. " 'Tis a pestilent 
old rogue for talking, my dear fellow," cried he, "but you must 
not find fault with him, — the creature means well." I knew at 
the very moment that he made this apology, honest C?esar could 
not have given him half the satisfaction had he talked like a 
Cicero or a Solomon. 

Launcelot returned to the house with me in the best possible 
humor : — the whole family, who in truth love and honor him from 
their very souls, were delighted to see the sun-beams once more 
play in his countenance. Every one seemed to vie who should 
talk the most, tell the longest stories, and be most agreeable ; and 
"Will Wizard, who had accompanied me in my visit, declared as 
he lighted his segar, which had gone out forty times in the course 
of one of his oriental tales, — that he had not passed so pleasant an 
evening since the birth-night ball of the beauteous empress of 
Hayti. 

[The following essay was written by my friend Langstaff, in 
one of the paroxysms of his splenetic complaint ; and, for aught I 
know, may have been effectual in restoring him to good humor. 
— A mental discharge of the kind has a remarkable tendency 
toward sweetening the temper, — and Launcelot is, at this moment, 
one of the best natured men in existence. 

A. Evergreen.] 



ON GREATNESS. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

We have more than once, in the course of our work, been most 
jocosely familiar with great personages; and, in truth, treated 
them with as little ceremony, respect, and consideration, as if 
they had been our most particular friends. Now, we would not 
suffer the mortification of having our readers even suspect us of 
an intimacy of the kind ; assuring them we are extremely choice 
in our intimates and uncommonly circumspect in avoiduig cou- 

12 



178 SALMAGUNDI. 

nexions with all doubtful characters ; particularly pimps, bailiffs, 
lottery-brokers, chevaliers of industry, and great men. The 
world, in general, is pretty well aware of what is to be understood 
by the former classes of delinquents ; but as the latter has never 
I believe, been specifically defined; and as we are determined to 
instruct our readers to the extent of our abilities, and their hmit- 
ed comprehension, it may not be amiss here to let them know 
what we understand by a great man. 

First, therefore, let us, editors and kings are always plural, pre- 
mise, that there are two kinds of greatness; — one conferred bj 
heaven — the exalted nobility of the soul; — the other, a spuriou.s 
distinction, engendered by the mob and lavished upon its favorites. 
The former of these distinctions we have always contemplated 
with reverence ; the latter, we will take this opportunity to strip 
naked before our unenlightened readers ; so that if by chance any 
of them are held in ignominious thraldom by this base circulation 
of false coin, they may forthwith emancipate themselves from such 
inglorious delusion. 

It is a fictitious value given to individuals by public caprice, as 
bankers give an impression to a worthless slip of paper : thereby 
gaining it a currenc}'' for infinitely more than its intrinsic value. 
Every nation has its peculiar coin, and peculiar great men; neither 
of which will, for the most part, pass current out of the country 
where they are stamped. Your true mob-created great man, is 
like a note of one of the little New-England banks, and his value 
depreciates in proportion to the distance from home. In England, 
a great man is he who has most ribands and gew-gaws on his coat, 
most horses to his carriage, most slaves in his retinue, or most 
toad-eaters at his table ; in France, he who can most dexterously 

fk)urish his heels above his head Duport is most incontestably 

the greatest man in France ! — when the emperor is absent. The 
greatest man in China, is he who can trace his ancestry up to the 
moon ; and in this country, our great men may generally hunt down 
their pedigree until it burrows in the dirt like a rabbit. To be 
concise ; our great men are those who are most expert at crawl- 
ing on "all fours, and have the happiest facility in dragging and 
winding themselves along in the dirt like very reptiles. This may 
seem a paradox to many of my readers, who, with great good 
nature be it hinted, are too stupid to look beyond the mere surface 
of our invaluable writings ; and often pass over the knowing allu- 
sion, and poignant meaning, that is slily couching beneath. It is 
for the benefit of such helpless ignorants, who have no other creed 
but the opinion of the mob, that I shall trace, as far as it is possi- 
ble to follow him in his progress from insignificance— the rise, 
progress, and completion of a little great man. 

In a logocracy, to use the sage Mustapha's phrase, it is not ab- 
solutely necessary to the formation of a great man that he should 
he either wise or valiant, upright or honorable. On the contrary, 
daily experience shows, that these qualities rather impede his pre- 



SALMAGUNDI. 179 

ferment; inasmucli as they are prone to render him too inflexibly 
erect, and directly at variance with that willowy suppleness which 
enables a man to wind, and twist, through all the nooks and turns 
and dark winding passages that lead to greatness. The grand 
requisite for climbing the rugged hUl of popularity, — the summit 
of which is the seat of power, — is to be useful. And here once 
more, for the sake of our readers, who are, of course, not so wise 
as ourselves, I must explain what we understand by usefulness. 
The horse, in his native state, is wild, swift, impetuous, full of 
majesty, and of a most generous spirit. It is then the animal is 
noble, exalted, and useless. — But entrap him, manacle him, cudgel 
him, break down his lofty spirit, put the curb into his mouth, the 
load upon his back, and reduce him into servile obedience to the 
bridle and the lash, and it is then he becomes useful. Your jack- 
ass is one of the most useful animals in existence. If my read- 
ers do not now understand what I mean by usefuhiess, I give them 
all up for most absolute nincoms. 

To rise in this country, a man must first descend. The aspiring 
politician may be compared to that indefatigable insect, called the 
tumbler ; pronounced by a distinguished personage to be the only 
industrious animal in Virginia, which buries itself in filth, and 
works ignobly in the dirt, until it forms a little ball, which it rolls 
laboriously along, like Diogenes in his tub ; sometimes head, 
sometimes tail foremost, pilfering from every rut and mud hole, 
and increasing its ball of greatness by the contributions of the 
kennel. Just so the candidate for greatness ; — he plunges into 
that mass of obscenity, the mob ; labors in dirt and oblivion, and 
makes unto himself the rudiments of a popular name from the 
admiration and praises of rogues, ignoramuses, and blackguards. 
His name once started, onward he goes struggling and puffing, 
and pushing it before him ; collecting new tributes from the dregs 
and offals of the land, as he proceeds, until having gathered to- 
gether a mighty mass of popularity, he mounts it in triumph ; is 
hoisted into office, and becomes a great man, and a ruler in the 
land; — aU this will be clearly illustrated by a sketch of a worthy 
of the kind, who sprung up under my eye, and was hatched trom 
pollution by the broad rays of popularity, which, hke the sun, can 
" breed maggots in a dead dog." 

Timothy Dabble was a young man of very promising talents ; 
for he wrote a fair hand, and had thrice won the silver medal at a 
country academy : — he was also an orator, for he talked with em- 
phatic volubility, and could argue a full hour, without taking 
either side, or advancing a single opinion ; — he had still further 
requisites for eloquence ; — for he made very handsome gestures, 
had dimples jn his cheeks when he smiled, and enunciated most 
harmoniously through his nose. In short, nature had certainly 
marked him out for a great man ; for though he was not tall, yet 
he added at least half an inch to his stature by elevating his head, 
and assumed an amazing expression of dignity by turning up his 



180 SALMAGUNDI. 

nose and curling his nostrils, in a style of conscious superiority. 
Convinced by these unequivocal appearances, Babble's friends, in 
full caucus, one and all, declared that he was undoubtedly born 
to be a great man, and it would be his own fault if he were not 
one. Dabble was tickled with an opinion which coincided so 
happily with his own, — for vanity, in a confidential whisper, had 
given him the like intimation ; — and he reverenced the judgment 
of his friends because they thought so highly of himself; — accord- 
ingly he set out with a determination to become a great man, and 
to start in the scrub-race for honor and renown. How to attain 
the desired prizes was however the question. He knew by a kind 
of instinctive feeling, which seems peculiar to grovelling minds, 
that honor, and its better part — profit, would never seek him out ; 
that they would never knock at his door and crave admittance ; 
but must be courted, and toiled after, and earned. He therefore 
strutted forth into the highways, the market-places, and the assem- 
blies of the people ; ranted like a true cockerel orator about virtue, 
and patriotism, and liberty, and equality, and himself. Full many 
a political wind-mill did he battle with; and full many a time did 
he talk himself out of breath and his hearers out of patience. But 
Dabble found, to his vast astonishment, that there was not a no- 
torious political pimp at a ward meeting but could out-talk him ; 
and what was still more mortifying, there was not a notorious 
political pimp but was more noticed and caressed than himself 
The reason was simple enough ; while he harangued about prin- 
ciples, the others ranted about men ; where he reprobated a poli- 
tical error, they blasted a political character ; — they were, conse- 
quently, the most useful ; for the great object of our political dis- 
putes is not who shall have the honor of emancipating the com- 
munity from the leading strings of delusion, but who shall have 
the profit of holding the strings and leading the community by the 
nose. 

Dabble was likewise very loud in his professions of integrity, 
incorruptibility, and disinterestedness ; words which, from being 
filtered and refined through newspapers and election handbills, 
have lost their original signification ; and in the political dictionary 
are synonymous mth empty pockets, itching palms, and interested 
ambition. He, in addition to all this, declared that he would sup- 
port none but honest men ;. — but unluckily as but few of these 
ofiered themselves to be supported, Dabble's services were seldom 
required. He pledged himself never to engage in party schemes, 
or party politics, but to stand up solely for the broad. interests of 
his country ; — so he stood alone ; and what is the same thing, he 
stood still ; for, in this country, he who does not side with either 
party, is like a body in a vacuum between two planets, and must 
for ever remain motionless. 

Dabble was immeasurably surprised that a man so honest, so 
disinterested, and so sagacious withal, — and one too who had the 
good of his country so much at heart, should thus remain unno- 



SALMAGUNDI. 181 

ticed and unapplauded. A little worldly advice, whispered in his 
ear by a shrewd old politician, at once explained the whole mys- 
tery. "He who would become great," said he, "must serve an 
apprenticeship to greatness ; and rise by regular gradation, hke 
the master of a vessel, who commences by bemg scrub and cabin- 
boy. He must fag in the train of great men, echo all their 
sentiments, become their toad-eater and parasite; — laugh at all 
their jokes, and, above all, endeavor to make them laugh ; if you 
only now and then make a man laugh, your fortune is made. 
Look but about you, youngster, and you will not see a single little 
great man of the day, but has his miserable herd of retainers, who 
yelp at his heels, come at his whistle, worry whoever he points 
his finger at, and think themselves fully rewarded by sometimes 
snapping up a crumb that falls from the great man's table. Talk 
of patriotism and virtue, and incorruptibility ! — tut, man ! they are 
the very qualities that scare munificence, and keep patronage at 
a distance. You might as well attempt to entice crows with red 
rags and gunpowder. Lay all these scarecrow virtues aside, and 
let this be your maxim, that a candidate for political eminence is 
like a dried herring ; he never becomes luminous until he is cor- 
rupt." 

Dabble caught with hungry avidity these congenial doctrines, 
and turned into his pre-destined channel of action with the force 
and rapidity of a stream which has for a while been restrained 
from its natural course. He became what nature had fitted him 
to be ; — his tone softened down from arrogant self-sufficiency, to 
the whine of fawning solicitation. He mingled in the caucuses 
of the sovereign people ; adapted his dress to a similitude of dirty 
raggedness ; argued most logically with those who were of his own 
opinion ; and slandered, with all the malice of impotence, exalted 
characters whose orbit he despaired ever to approach: — ^just as 
that scoundrel midnight thief, the owl, hoots at the blessed light 
of the sun, whose glorious lustre he dares never contemplate. 
He likewise applied himself to discharging, faithfully, the honor- 
able duties of a partizan ; — he poached about for private slanders, 
and ribald anecdotes ; — he folded handbills ; — he even wrote one 
or two himself, which he carried about in his pocket and read to 
every body; — he became a secretary at ward-meetings, set his 
hand to divers resolutions of patriotic import, and even once went 
so far as to make a speech, in which he proved that patriotism 
was a virtue ; — the reigning bashaw a great man ; — that this was 
a free country, and he himself an arrant and incontestable buzzard 1 

Dabble was now very frequent and devout in his visits to those 
temples of politics, popularity, and smoke, the ward porter-houses; 
those true dens of equality where all ranks, ages, and talents, are 
brought down to the dead level of rude famiHarity. 'Twas here 
his talents expanded, and his genius swelled up into its proper 
size : hke the loathsome toad, which, shrinking from balmy airs 
and jocund sunshine, finds his congenial home in caves and dun- 



182 SALMAGUNDI. 

geons, and there nourishes his venom, and bloats his deformity. 
'Twas here he revelled with the swinish multitude in their 
debauches on patriotism and porter ; and it became an even chance 
whether Dabble would turn out a great man or a great drunkard. 
But Dabble in all this kept steadily in his eye the only deity he 
ever worshipped — his interest. Having by this familiarity ingra- 
tiated himself with the mob, he became wonderfully potent aud 
industrious at elections ; knew all the dens and cellars of protiigacy 
and intemperance ; brought more negroes to the polls, and knew 
to a greater certainty where votes could be bought for beer, than 
any of his contemporaries. His exertions in the cause, his perse- 
vering industry, his degrading compliance, his unresisting humility, 
his steadfast dependence, at length caught the attention of one of 
the leaders of the party ; who was pleased to observe that Dabble 
was a very useful fellow, who would go all lengths. From that 
moment his fortune was made ; — he was hand and glove with ora- 
tors and slang-whangers ; basked in the sunshine of great men's 
smiles, and had the honor, sundry tmies, of shaking hands with 
dignitaries, and drinking out of the same pot with them at a por- 
ter-house 1 1 

I will not fatigue myself with tracing this caterpillar in his 
shmy progress from worm to butterfly : suSice it that Dabl)io 
bowed and bowed, and fawned, and sneaked, and smirked and 
libelled, until one would have thought perseverance itself would 
have settled down into despair. There was no knowing how long 
he might have lingered at a distance from liis hopes, had he not 
luckily got tarred and feathered for some of his electioneering 
manoeuvres ; — this was the making of him ! — Let not my readers 
stare ; — tarring and feathering here is equal to pillory and cropped 
ears in England; and either of these kinds of martyrdom will 
ensure a patriot the sympathy and support of his faction. His 
partizans, for even he had his partizans, took his case into consi- 
deration ; — he had been kicked and cuffed, and disgraced, and 
dishonored in the cause; — he had licked the dust at the feet of the 
mob ; — he was a faithful drudge, slow to anger, of invincible 
patience, of incessant assiduity; — a thorough going tool, who 
could be curbed, and spurred, and directed at pleasure ; — in short, 
he had all the important qualifications for a little great man, and 
he was accordingly ushered into office amid the acclamations of 
the party. The leading men complimented his usefulness, the mul- 
titude his republican simplicity, and the slang-whangers vouched 
for his patriotism. Since his elevation he has discovered indubita- 
ble signs of having been destined for a great man. His nose has 
acquired an additional elevation of several degrees, so that now 
he appears to have bidden adieu to this world and to have set his 
thoughts altogether on things above ; and he has swelled and 
inflated himself to such a degree, that his friends are under appre- 
hensions that he will one day or other explode and blow up like 
a torpedo. 



SALMAGUNDI. 183 



NO. XVL— THURSDAY, OCT. 15, 1807. 
STYLE, AT BALLSTON. 

BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

NoTWiTHSTAXDiNGr Evergreen has never been abroad, nor had 
his understanding enhghtened, or his views enlarged by that 
marvellous sharpener of the wits, a salt water voyage, yet he is 
tolerably shrewd, and correct, in the limited sphere of his obser- 
vations ; and now and then astounds me with a right pithy re- 
mark, which would do no discredit even to a man who had made 
the grand tour. 

In several late conversations at Cockloft-Hall, lie has amused us 
exceedingly l^y detailing sundry particulars concerning that noto- 
rious slaughter-house of time, Ballston Springs ; where he spent a 
considerable part of the last summer. The foUowmg is a sum- 
mary of his observations. 

Pleasure has passed through a variety of significations at 
Ballston. It originally meant nothing more than a relief from 
pain and sickness ; and the patient wdo had journeyed many a 
weary mile to the Springs, with a heavy heart and emaciated 
form, called it pleasure when lie threw by his crutches, and 
danced away from them with renovated spirits and limbs jocund 
with vigor. In process of time pleasure underwent a retinement, 
and appeared in the likeness of a sober unceremonious country- 
dance, to the flute of an amateur or the three-stringed fiddle of an 
itinerant country musician. — Still every thing bespoke that happy 
holiday which the spirits ever enjoy, when emancipated from the 
shackles of formality, ceremony, and modern politeness : things 
went on cheerily, and Ballston was pronounced a charming hum- 
drum careless place of resort, where every one was at his ease, 
and might follow unmolested the bent of his humor — provided his 
wife was not there ; — when, lo ! all on a sudden. Style made its 
baneful appearance in the semblance of a gig and tandem, a pair 
of leather breeches, a liveried footman, and a cockney! — since 
that fatal era pleasure has taken an entire new signification, and 
at present means nothing but style. 

The worthy, fashionable, dashing, good-for-nothing people of 
every state, who had rather suffer the martyrdom of a crowd than 
endure the monotony of their own homes, and the stupid company 



1 84 SALMAGUNDI. 

of their own thoughts, flock to the Springs ; not to enjoy the 
pleasures of society, or benefit by the quahties of the waters, but 
to exhibit then* equipages and wardrobes, and to excite the ad- 
miration, or what is much more satisfactory, the envy of their 
fashionable competitors. This, of course, awakens a spirit of 
noble emulation between the eastern, middle, and southern states ; 
and every lady hereupon finding herself charged in a manner 
with the whole weight of her country's dignity and style, dresses 
and dashes, and sparkles, without mercy, at her competitors from 
other parts of the union. This kind of rivalship naturally requires 
a vast deal of preparation and prodigious quantities of supplies. 
A sober citizen's wife will break half a dozen milliners' shops, 
and sometimes starve her family a whole season, to enable her- 
self to make the Springs campaign in style. — She repairs to the 
seat of war with a mighty force of trunks and band-boxes, like so 
many ammunition chests, filled with caps, hats, gowns, ribands, 
shawls, and all the various artillery of fashionable warfare. The 
lady of a southern planter will lay out the whole annual produce 
of a rice plantation in silver and gold muslins, lace veils, and new 
liveries ; carry a hogshead of tobacco on her head, and trail a bale 
of sea island cotton at her heels ; while a lady of Boston or Salem 
will wrap herself up in the net proceeds of a cargo of whale oil, 
and tie on her hat with a quintal of codfish. 

The planters' ladies, however, have generally the advantage in 
this contest; for, as it is an incontestable fact, that whoever 
comes from the West or East Indies, or Greorgia, or the Carolinas, 
or in fact any warm climate, is immensely rich, it cannot be ex- 
pected that a simple cit of the north can cope with them in style. 
The planter, therefore, who drives four horses abroad, and a 
thousand negroes at home, and who flourishes up to the Springs, 
followed by half a score of black-a-moors, in gorgeous liveries, is 
unquestionably superior to the northern merchant, who plods on 
in a carriage and pair ; which being nothing more than is quite 
necessary, has no claim whatever to style. He, however, has his 
consolation in feeling superior to the honest cit, who dashes 
about in a simple gig : — he, in return, sneers at the country 
squire, who jogs along with his scrubby long-eared poney and 
saddle-bags ; and the squire, by way of taking satisfaction, would 
make no scruple to run over the unobtrusive pedestrian, were it 
not that the last, being the most independent of the whole, might 
chance to break his head by way of retort. 

The great misfortune is, that this style is supported at such an 
expense as sometimes to -encroach on the rights and privileges of 
the pocket ; and occasion very awkward embarrassments to the 
tyro of fashion. Among a number of instances. Evergreen men- 
tions the fate of a dashing blade from the south, who made his 
entree with a tandem and two outriders, by the aid of which he 
attracted the attention of all the ladies, and caused a coolness 
between several young couple who, it was thought before his arri- 



SALMAGUNDI. 185 

val, had a considerable kindness for each other. In the course of 
a fortnight his taudem disappeared ! — the class of good folk who 
seem to have nothing to do in this world but pry into other peo- 
ple's affairs, — began to stare ! — in a little time longer an outrider 
was missing ! — this increased the alarm, and it was consequently 
whispered that he had eaten the horses and drank the negro. 
N. B. Southern gentlemen are very apt to do this on an emer- 
gency. Serious apprehensions were entertained about the fate of 
the remaining servant, which were soon verified by his actually 
vanishing ; and in " one little month" the dashing Carolinian mo- 
destly took his departure in the stage-coach I — universally 
regretted by the friends who had generously released him from 
his cumbrous load of style. 

Evergreen, in the course of his detail, gave very melanchol}'- 
accounts of an alarming famine which raged with great violence 
at the Springs. Whether this was owing to the incredible appe- 
tites of the company, or the scarcity which prevailed at the inns, 
he did not seem inclined to say ; but he declares, that he was for 
several days in imminent danger of starvation, owing to his being 
a little too dilatory in his attendance at the dinner table. He 
relates a number of "moving accidents," which be fel many of the 
polite company in their zeal to get a good seat at dinner ; on which 
occasion a kind of scrub-race ahvays took place, wherein a vast 
deal of jockeying and unfair play was shown, and a variety of 
squabbles and unseemly altercations occurred. But when arrived 
at the scene of action, it was truly an awful sight to behold the 
confusion, and to hear the tumultuous uproar, of voices crying- 
some for one thing, and some for another, to the tuneful accom- 
paniment of knives and forks ; rattling with all the energy of 
hungry impatience. The feast of the Centaurs and the Lapithte 
was nothing when compared with a dinner at the great house. 
At one time, an old gentleman, whose natural irascibility was a 
little sharpened hy the gout, had scalded his throat, by gobbling 
down a bowl of hot soup in a vast hurry, in order to secure the 
first fruits of a roasted partridge before it was snapped up by some 
hungry rival ; when, just as he was whetting his knife and fork, 
preparatory for a descent on the promised laud, he had the morti- 
fication to see it transferred, bodily, to the plate of a squeamish 
little damsel who was taking the waters for debility and loss of 
appetite. This was too much for the patience of old Crusty ; he 
lodged his fork into the partridge, whipt it into his dish, and cut- 
ting off" a wing of it,-—" There, Miss, there's more than you can 
eat. Oons I what should such a little chalky-faced puppet as you 
do with a whole partridge!" At another time a mighty sweet 
disposed old dowager, who loomed most magnificently at the table, 
had a sauce-boat launched upon the capacious lap of a silver sprig- 
ged muslin gown, by the manoeuvring of a little politic French- 
man, who was dexterously attempting to make a lodgment under 
the covered way of a chicken- pie; — human nature could not bear 



186 SALMAGUNDI. 

it ! — the lady bounced round, and, with one box on the ear, drove 
the luckless wight to utter annihilation. 

But these little cross accidents are amply compensated by the 
great variety of amusements which abounds at this charming resort 
of beauty and fashion. In the morning the company, each like a 
jolly Bacchanalian, with glass in hand, sally forth to the Springs : 
where the gentlemen, who wish to make themselves agreeable, 
have an opportunity of dipping themselves into the good opinion 
of the ladies : and it is truly delectable to see with what grace and 
adroitness they perform this ingratiating feat. Anthony says that 
it is peculiarly amazing to behold the quantity of water the ladies 
drink on this occasion, for the purpose of getting an appetite for 
breakfast. He assures me he has been present when a young 
lady, of unparalleled delicacy, tossed off, in the space of a minute 
or two, one and twenty tumblers and a wine-glass full. On my 
asking Anthony whether the solicitude of the by-standers was not 
greatly awakened as to what might be the effects of this debauch, 
he rephed, that the ladies at Ballston had become such great stick- 
lers for the doctrine of evaporation, that no gentleman ever 
ventured to remonstrate against this excessive drinking for fear 
of bringing his philosophy into contempt. The most notorious 
Avater-drinkers, in particular, were continually holding forth on the 
surprising aptitude with which the Ballston waters evaporated ; 
and several gentlemen, who had the hardihood to question this 
female philosophy, were held in high displeasure. 

After breakfast, every one chooses his amusement ; — some take 
a ride into the pine woods, and enjoy the varied and romantic 
scenery of burnt trees, post and rail fences, pine flats, potatoe 
patches, and log huts ; — others scramble up the surrounding sand- 
hills, that look like the abodes of a gigantic race of ants ; — take 
a peep at other sand-hills beyond them ; — and then — come down 
again: others who are romantic, and sundry young ladies insist 
upon being so whenever they visit the Springs, or go any where 
into the country, stroll along the borders of a little swampy brook 
that drags itself along like an Alexandrine ; and that so lazily as 
not to make a single murmur; — watching the little tadpoles as 
they frolic, right flippantly, in the muddy stream : and listening 
to the inspiring melody of the harmonious frogs that croak upon 
its borders. Some play at billiards, some play at the fiddle, and 
some — play the fool ; — the latter being the most prevalent amuse- 
ment at Ballston. 

These, together with abundance of dancing, and a prodigious 
deal of sleeping of afternoons, make up the variety of pleasures at 
the Springs ; — a delicious life of alternate lassitude and fatigue ; 
of laborious dissipation, and listless idleness ; of sleepless nights, 
and days spent in that dozing insensibility which ever succeeds 
them. Now and then, indeed, the influenza, the fever-and-ague, 
or some such pale-faced intruder, may happen to throw a momen- 
tary damp on the general felicity ; but on the whole, Evergreen 



SALMAGUNDI. 187 

declares that Ballston wants only six things ; to wit, good air, good 
wine, good living, good beds, good company, and good humor, to 
be the most enchanting place in the world; excepting Botany- 
bay, Musquito Cove, Dismal Swamp, and the Black-hole at Cal- 
cutta. 



I 



The following letter from the sage Mustapha has cost us more 
trouble to decypher, and render into tolerable English, than any 
hitherto published. It was full of blots and erasures, particularly 
the latter part, which we have no doubt was penned in a moment 
of great wratli and indignation. Mustapha has often a rambling 
mode of writing, and his thoughts take such unaccountable turns, 
that it is difficult to tell one moment where he will lead you the 
next. This is particularly obvious in the commencement of his let- 
ters, which seldom bear much analogy to the subsequent parts ; 
— he sets off with a flourish, like a dramatic hero, — assumes an 
air of great pomposity, and struts up to his subject mounted most 
loftily on stilts. 

L. LANGSTAFF. 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELT KHAN", 
TO ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO 
HIS HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLL 

AsiONG the variety of principles by which mankind are 
actuated, there is one, my dear Asem, which I scarcely know 
whether to consider as springing from grandeur and nobility of 
mind, or from a refined species of vanity and egotism. It is that 
singular, although almost universal, desire of living in the memory 
of posterity ; of occupying a share of the world's attention, when 
we shall long since have ceased to be susceptible either of its 
praise or censure. Most of the passions of the mind are bounded 
by the grave ; — sometimes, indeed, an anxious hope or trembling 
fear will venture beyond the clouds and darkness that rest upon 
our mortal horizon, and expatiate in boundless futurity ; but it is 
only this active love of fame which steadily contemplates its frui- 
tion, in the applause or gratitude of future ages. Indignant at 
the narrow limits which circumscribe existence, ambition is for 
ever struggling to soar beyond them ; to triumph over space and 
time, and to bear a name, at least, above the inevitable oblivion 



188 SALMAGUNDI. 

in which every thing else that concerns us must be involved. It 
is this, my friend, which prompts the patriot to his most heroic 
achievements ; which inspires the sublimest strains of the poet, 
and breathes ethereal fire into the productions of the painter and 
tlie statuary. 

For this tlie monarch rears the lofty column ; the laurelled con- 
queror claims the triumphal arch ; while the obscure individual, 
who moved in an humbler ^here, asks but a plain and simple 
stone to mark his grave, and bear to the next generation this im- 
portant truth, that he was born, died — and was buried. It was 
this passion which once erected the vast Numidian piles, whose 
ruins we have so often regarded with wonder, as the shades of 
evening — fit emblems of oblivion, — gradually stole over and en- 
veloped them in darkness. — It was this which gave being to those 
sublime monuments of Saracen magnificence, which nod in moul- 
dering desolation, as the blast sweeps over our deserted plains. 

How futile are all our efforts to evade the obliterating hand 

of time ! As I traversed the dreary wastes of Egypt, on my 
journey to Grand Cairo, I stopped my camel for a while, and 
contemplated, in awful admiration, the stupendous pyramids. — An 
appalling silence prevailed around ; such as reigns in the wilder- 
ness when the tempest is hushed, and the beasts of prey have re- 
tired to their dens. The myriads that had once been employed in 
rearing these lofty mementoes of human vanity, whose busy hum 
once enlivened the solitude of the desert, — had all been swept 
from the earth by the irresistible arm of death : — all were mingled 
with their native dust ; all were forgotten I — Even the mighty 
names which these sepulcln-es were designed to perpetuate had 
long since faded from remembrance ; history and tradition 
aSbrded but vague conjectures, and the pyramids imparted a hu- 
miliating lesson to the candidate for immortality. Alas ! alas I 

said I to myself, how mutable are the foundations on which our 
proudest hopes of fiiture fame are reposed ! He who imagines he 
has secured to himself the meed of deathless renown, indulges in 
deluding visions, which only bespeak the vanity of the dreamer. 
The storied obelisk, — the triumphal arch — the swelling dome, 
shall crumble into dust, and the names they would preserve from 
oblivion shall often pass away, before their own duration ia 
accomplislied. 

Yet this passion for fame, however ridiculous in the eye of the 
philosopher, deserves respect and consideration, from having been 
the source of so many illustrious actions ; and, hence it has been 
the practice in all enlightened governments to perpetuate by 
monuments, the memory of great men, as a testimony of respect for 
the illustrious dead, and to awaken in the bosoms of posterity an 
emulation to merit the same honorable distinction. The people 
of the American logocracy, who pride themselves upon improving 
on every precept or example of ancient or modern governments, 
have discovered a new mode of exciting this love of glory; a 



SALMAGUNDI. 189 

mode by -which they do honor to their great men, even in their 
life-time I 

Thou must have observed by this time, that they manage 
every thing in a manner pecuhar to themselves ; and doubtless in 
the best possible manner, seeing they have denommated them- 
selves " the most enlightened people under the sun." Thou wilt 
therefore, perhaps, be curious to know how they contrive to 
honor the name of a living patriot, and what unheard-of monu- 
ment they erect in memory of his acliievements. — By the fiery 
beard of the mighty Barbarossa, but I can scarcely preserve the 
sobriety of a true disciple of Mahomet while I tell thee ! — Avilt 
tliou not smUe, oh, Mussulman of invincible gravity, to learn that 
they honor their great men by eating, and that the only trophy 
erected to their exploits, is a public dinner I But, trust me, 
Asem, even in this measure, whimsical as it may seem, the phi- 
losophic and considerate spirit of this people is admirably 
displayed. Wisely concluding, that when the hero is dead, he 
becomes insensible to the voice of fame, the song of adulation, or 
the splendid trophy, they have determined that he shall enjoy his 
quantum of celebrity while living, and revel in the full enjoyment 
of a nine days' immortality. The barbarous nations of antiquity 
immolated human victims to the memory of their lamented dead, 
but the enliglitened Americans offer up whole hecatombs of geese 
and calves, and oceans of wine, in honor of the illustrious living ; 
and the patriot has the felicity of hearing from every quarter, the 
vast exploits in gluttony and revelling that have been celebrated 
to the glory of his name. 

No sooner does a citizen signalize himself in a conspicuous 
manner in the service of his country, than all the gormandizers 
assemble and discharge tlie national debt of gratitude — by giving 
him a dinner ; — not that he really receives all the luxuries pro- 
vided on this occasion ; no, my friend, it is ten chances to one 
that the great man does not taste a morsel from the table, and is, 
perhaps, five hundred miles distant ; and, to let thee into a melan- 
choly fact, a patriot under this economic government, may be often 
in want of a dinner, Avhile dozens are devoured in his praise. 
Neither are these repasts spread out for the hungry and necessitous, 
who might otherwise be filled with food and gladness, and 
inspired to shout forth the illustrious name, which had been the 
means of their enjoyment; — far from this, Asem; it is the rich 
only who indulge in the banquet ; — those who pay for the dain- 
ties are alone privileged to enjoy them ; so that, while opening 
their purses in honor of the patriot, they at the same time fulfil 
a great maxim, whicli in this country comprehends all the rules 
of prudence, and all the duties a man owes to himself; — namely, 
getting the worth of their money. 

In process of time this mode of testifying pubhc applause has 
been found so marvellously agreeable, that they extend it to 
events as well as characters, and eat in triumph at the news of a 



190 SALMAGUNDI. 

treaty, — at the anniversary of any grand national era, or at the 
gaining of that splendid victory of the tongue — an election. — 
Nay, so far do tliey carry it, that certain days are set apart when 
the guzzlers, the gormandizers, and the wine bibbers meet 
together to celebrate a grand indigestion, in memory of some 
great event ; and every man in the zeal of patriotism gets devoutly 
drunk — " as the act directs." — Then, my friend, mayest thou be- 
hold the sublime spectacle of love of country^ elevating itself from 
a sentiment into an appetite, whetted to the quick with the 
cheering prospect of tables loaded with tlie fat things of the 
land. On this occasion every man is anxious to fall to work, 
cram himself in honor of the day, and risk a surfeit in the 
glorious cause. Some, I have been told, actually fast for four 
and twenty hours preceding, that they may be enabled to do 
greater honor to the feast ; and, certainly, if eating and drinking 
are patriotic rites, he who eats and drinks most, and proves him- 
self the greatest glutton, is, undoubtedly, the most distinguished 
patriot. Such, at any rate, seems to be the opinion here ; and they 
act up to it so rigidlj^ that by the time it is dark, every kennel in 
the neighborhood teems with illustrious members of the sovereign 
people, wallowing in their congenial element of mud and mire. 

These patriotic feasts, or rather national monuments, are pa- 
tronized and promoted by certain inferior cadis, called Alder- 
men, who are commonly complimented with their direction. 
These dignitaries, as far as I can learn, are generally appointed 
on account of their great talents for eating, a qualification pecu- 
liarly necessary in the discharge of their official duties. They 
hold frequent meetings at taverns and hotels, w^here they enter 
into solemn consultations for the benefit of lobsters and turtles ; 
— establish wholesome regulations for the safety and preservation 
of fish and wild-fowl ; — appoint the seasons most proper for eating 
oysters ; — inquire into the economy of taverns, the characters of 
publicans, and the abilities of their cooks ; and discuss, most 
learnedly, the merits of a bowl of soup, a chicken-pie, or a haunch 
of venison ; in a word, the alderman has absolute control in all 
matters of eating, and superintends the whole police — of the belly. 
Having, in the prosecution of their important office, signalised 
themselves at so many public festivals ; having gorged so often 
on patriotism and pudding, and entombed so many great names 
in their extensive maws, thou wilt easily conceive that they wax 
portly apace, that they fatten on the fame of mighty men, and 
that their rotundity, like the rivers, the lakes, and the mountains 
of their country, must be on a great scale ! Even so, my friend ; 
and when I sometimes see a portly alderman puffing along, and 
swelling as if he had the world under his waistcoat, I cannot help 
looking upon him as a walking monument, and am often ready to 
exclaim, " Tell me, thou majestic mortal, thou breathing cata- 
comb! to what illustrious character, wiiat mighty event, does 
that capacious carcass of thine bear testimony?" 



SALMAGUNDI. 191 

But though the enlightened citizens of tliis logocracy eat in 
honor of their friends, yet they drink destruction to their ene- 
mies. Yea, Asem, woe unto those who are doomed to undergo 
the pubhc vengeance at a public dinner. No sooner are the 
viands removed, than they prepare for merciless and exterminat- 
ing hostilities. They drink the intoxicating juice of the grape, 
out of little glass cups, and over each draught pronounce a short 
sentence or prayer; not such a prayer as tliy virtuous heart 
would dictate, thy pious lips give utterance to, my good Asem ; 
not a tribute of thanks to all-bountiful Allah, nor a humble sup- 
plication for his blessing on the draught ; no, my friend, it is 
merely a toast, that is to say, a fulsome tribute of flattery to their 
demagogues; a labored sally of affected sentiment or national 
egotism ; or, what is more despicable, a malediction on their ene- 
mies, an empty threat of vengeance, or a petition for their de- 
struction ; for toasts, thou must know, are another kind of missive 
weapon in a logocracy, and are levelled from afar, like the annoy- 
ing arrows of the Tartars. 

Oh, Asem! couldst thou but witness one of these patriotic, 
these monumental dinners ; how furiously the flame of patriotism 
blazes forth ; how suddenly they vanquish armies, subjugate 
whole countries, and exterminate nations in a bumper, thou 
wouldst more than ever admire the force of that omnipotent wea- 
pon the tongue. At these moments every coward becomes a 
hero, every ragamuffin an invincible warrior ; and the most zeal- 
ous votaries of peace and quiet, forget, for a while, their cherislied 
maxims, and join in the furious attack. Toast succeeds toast; 
kings, emperors, bashaws, are like chaff before the tempest ; tlie 
inspired patriot vanquislies fleets with a single gunboat, and 
swallows down navies at a draught, until, overpowered witli vic- 
tory and wine, he sinks upon the field of battle — dead drunk in 
his country's cause. Sword of the puissant Klialid ! what a dis- 
play of valor is here! — the sons of Afric are hardy, brave, and 
enterprising, but they can achieve nothing like this. 

Happy would it be if tliis mania for toasting, extended no fur- 
ther than to the expression of national resentment. Though we 
might smile at the impotent vaporing and windy hyperbole, by 
which it is distinguished, yet we would excuse it, as the un- 
guarded overflowings of a heart, glowing with national injuries, 
and indignant at the insults offered to its country. But, alas, my 
friend, private resentment, individual hatred, and the illiberal 
spirit of party, are let loose on these festive occasions. Even the 
names of individuals, of unoftending fellow-citizens, are sometimes 
dragged forth to undergo the slanders and execrations of a dis- 
tempered herd of revellers.* Head of Mahomet ! how vindictive, 

NOTE BY WILLIAM WIZARD, ESQ. 

* It would seem that, in this sentence, the sasce Mustapha had reference 
to a patriotic dinner, celebrated last 4th of July, by some gentlemen of Eal 



192 SALMAGUNDI, 

how insatiably vindictive, must be that spirit which can drug the 
mantUng bowl with gall and bitterness, and indulge an angry- 
passion in the moment of rejoicing! "Wine," says their poet, 
*' is like sunshine to the heart, which, under its generous influ- 
ence, expands with good will, and becomes the very temple of 
philanthropy." Strange, that in a temple consecrated to such a 
divinity, there should remain a secret corner, polluted by the 
lurkings of mahce and revenge, — strange, that in the full flow of 
social enjoyment, these votaries of pleasure can turn aside to call 
down curses on the head of a fellow-creature. Despicable souls I 
ye are unworthy of being citizens of this " most enlightened coun- 
try under the sun:" — rather herd with the murderous savages 
who prowl the mountains of Tibesti ; who stain their midnight 
orgies with the blood of the innocent wanderer, and drink their 
infernal potations from the skulls of the victims they have mas- 
sacred. 

And yet, trust me, Asem, this spirit of vindictive cowardice is 
not owing to any inherent depravity of soul, for, on other occa- 
sions, I have had ample proof that this nation is mild and merciful, 
brave and magnanimous; neither is it owing to any defect in 
their political or religious precepts. The principles inculcated by 
their rulers, on all occasions, breathe a spirit of universal philan- 
thropy; and as to their religion, much as I am devoted to the 
Koran of our divine prophet, still I cannot but acknowledge with 
admiration the mild forbearance, the amiable benevolence, the 
sublime morality bequeathed them by the founder of their faith. 
Thou rememberest the doctrines of the mild Nazarine, who 
preached peace and good will to all mankind ; who, when he was 
reviled, reviled not again ; who blessed those who cursed him, 
and prayed for those who despitefully used and persecuted him ! 
"What, then, can give rise to this uncharitable, this inhuman cus- 
tom among the disciples of a master so gentle and forgiving? It 
is that fiend politics, Asem — that baneful fiend, which bewilder- 
eth every brain, and poisons every social feeling ; which intrudes 
itself at the festive banquet, and, like the detestable harpy, pol- 
lutes the very viands of the table ; which contaminates the 
refreshing draught while it is inhaled ; which prompts the cow- 
ardly assassin to launch hLs poisoned arrows from behind the 
social board : and which renders the bottle, that boasted pro- 
moter of good fellowship and hilarity, an infernal engine, charged 
with direful combustion. 



timore, when they righteously drank perdition to an unoffending indivi- 
dual, and really thought "they had done the state some service." This 
amiable custom of " eating and drinking damnation"' to others, is not con- 
fined to any party: — for a month or two after the 4th of July, the different 
newspapers file off their columns of patriotic toasts against each other, and 
take a pride in showing how brilliantly their partizans can blackguard pub- 
lic characters in their cups — "they do but jest — poison in jest," as Hamlet 

«^"iVS. 



SALMAGUNDI ]J>:? 

Oh, Asem ! Asem ! how does my heart sicken when I contem- 
plate these cowardly barbarities? let me, therefore, if possible, 
withdraw my attention from them for ever. My feelings have 
borne me from my subject ; and from the monuments of ancient 
greatness, I have wandered to those of modern degradation. My 
warmest wishes remain with thee, thou most illustrious of slave- 
drivers ; mayest thou ever be sensible of the mercies of our great 
prophet, who, in compassion to human imbecility, has prohibited 
his disciples from the use of the deluding beverage of the grape ; 
that enemy to reason — that promoter of defamation — that auxi- 
liary of POLITICS 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 

13 



194 SALMAGUNDI. 



No. XVIL— WEDNESDAY, NOV. 11, 1807. 
AUTUMNAL REFLECTIONS. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

"When a man is quietly journeying downwards into the valley 
of the shadow of departed youth, and begins to contemplate in a 
shortened perspective, the end of his pilgrimage, he becomes more 
solicitous than ever that the remainder of his wayfaring should be 
smooth and pleasant ; and the evening of his life, like the even- 
ing of a summer's day, fade away in mild uninterrupted serenity. 
If haply his heart has escaped uninjured through the dangers of 
a seductive world, it may then administer to the purest of his 
felicities, and its chords vibrate more musically for the trials they 
have sustained ; — like the viol which yields a melody sweet in 
proportion to its age. 

To a mind thus temperately harmonized, thus matured and 
mellowed by a long lapse of years, there is something truly con- 
genial in tlie quiet enjoyment of our early autumn, amid the tran- 
quillities of the country. There is a sober and chastened air of 
gayety diffused over the face of nature, peculiarly interesting to 
an old man; and when he views the surrounding landscape 
withering under his eye, it seems as if he and nature were taking 
a last farewell of eoch other, and parting with a melancholy smile ; 
like a couple of old friends, who having sported away the spring 
and summer of life together, part at the approach of winter with 
a kind of prophetic fear that they are never to meet again. 

It is either my good fortune, or mishap, to be keenly suscepti- 
ble to the influence of the atmosphere ; and I can feel in the 
morning, before I open my window, whether the wind is easterly. 
It will not therefore, I presume, be considered an extravagant 
instance of vain glory when I assert, that there are few men who 
can discriminate more accurately in the diflerent varieties of 
damps, fogs, Scotch mists, and north-east storms, than myself. 
To the great discredit of my philosophy I confess, I seldom fail 
to anathematise and excommunicate the weather, when it sports 
too rudely with my sensitive system ; but then I always endeavor 
to atone therefor, by eulogizing it when deserving of approba- 
tion. And as most of my readers — simple folks! make but one 
distinction, to wit. raiu and sunshine ; living in most honest igno- 



SALMAGUNDI. 195 

ranee of the various nice shades which distinguish one fine day 
from another, I take the trouble, from time to time, of letting 
them into some of the secrets of nature ; so will they be the better 
enabled to enjoy her beauties, with the zest of connoisseurs, and 
derive at least as much information from my pages as from the 
weather-wise lore of the almanac. 

Much of my recreation, since I retreated to the Hall, has con- 
sisted in making little excursions through the neighborhood; 
which abounds in the variety of wild, romantic, and luxuriant 
landscape that generally characterizes the scenery in the vicinity 
of our rivers. There is not an eminence within a circuit of many 
miles but commands an extensive range of diversified and en- 
chanting prospect. 

Often have I rambled to the summit of some favorite hill; and 
thence, with feelings sweetly tranquil, as the lucid expanse of the 
heavens that canopied me, have noted the slow and almost 
imperceptible changes that mark the waning year. There are 
many features peculiar to our autumn, and which give it an indi- 
vidual character. The "green and yellow melancholy" that first 
steals over the landscape ; — the mild and steady serenity of the 
weather, and the transparent purity of the atmosphere speak, not 
merely to the senses, but the heart ; — it is the season of liberal 
emotions. — To this succeeds fantastic gayety, a motley dress, 
which the woods assume, where green and yellow, orange, pur- 
ple, crimson, and scarlet, are whimsically blended together. — A 
sickly splendor this ! — like the wild and broken-hearted gayety, 
that sometimes precedes dissolution; — or that childish sportive- 
ness of superannuated age, proceeding, not from a vigorous flow 
of animal spirits, but from the decay and imbecility of the mind. 
We might, perhaps, be deceived by this gaudy garb of nature, 
were it not for the rustling of the falhng leaf, which, breaking on 
the stillness of the scene, seems to announce, in prophetic whis- 
pers, the dreary winter that is approaching. "When I have some- 
times seen a thrifty young oak changing its hue of sturdy vigor 
for a bright, but transient, glow of red, it has recalled to my mind 
the treacherous bloom that once mantled the cheek of a friend 
who is now no more ; and which, while it seemed to promise a 
long life of jocund spirits, was the sure precursor of premature 
decay. In a little while, and this ostentatious foliage disappears ; 
the close of autumn leaves but one wide expanse of dusky brown ; 
save where some rivulet steals along, bordered with little strips 
of green grass ; — the woodland echoes no more to the carols of 
the feathered tribes that sported in the leafy covert, and its soli- 
tude and silence is uninterrupted, except by the plaintive whistle 
of the quail, the barking of the squirrel, or the still more melan- 
choly wintry wind, which, rushing and swelling through the hol- 
lows of the mountains, sighs through the leafless branches of the 
grove, and seems to mourn the desolation of the year. 

To one who, like myself, is fond of drawing comparisons be- 



196 SALMAGUNDI. 

tween the different divisions of life, and those of the seasons, 
there will appear a striking analogy, which connects the feelings 
of the aged with the decline of the year. Often as I contemplate 
the mild, uniform, and genial lustre with which the sun cheers 
and invigorates us in the month of October, and the almost imper- 
ceptible haze which, without obscuring, tempers all the asperities 
of the landscape, and gives to every object a character of stillness 
and repose, I cannot help comparing it with that portion of exist- 
ence, when the spring of youthful hope, and the summer of the 
passions having gone by, reason assumes an undisputed sway, and 
lights us on with bright, but undazzling lustre, adown the hill of 
life. There is a full and mature luxuriance in the fields that fills 
the bosom with generous and disinterested content. It is not the 
thoughtless extravagance of spring, prodigal only in blossoms, nor 
the languid voluptuousness of summer, feverish in its enjoyments, 
and teeming only with immature abundance ; — it is that certain 
fruition of the labors of the past — that prospect of comfortable 
realities, which those will be sure to enjoy who have improved 
the bounteous smiles of heaven, nor wasted away their spring and 
summer in empty trifling or criminal indulgence. 

Cousin Pindar, who is my constant companion in these expe- 
ditions, and who still possesses much of the tire and energy of 
youthful sentiment, and a buxom hilarity of the spirits, often, 
indeed, draws me from these half-melancholy reveries, and makes 
me feel young again by the enthusiasm with which he contem- 
plates, and the animation with which he eulogizes the beauties of 
nature displayed before him. His enthusiastic disposition never 
allows him to enjoy things by halves, and his feelings are con- 
tinually breaking out in notes of admiration and ejaculations that 
sober reason might perhaps deem extravagant : But for my part, 
when I see a hale, hearty old man, who has jostled through the 
rough path of the world, without having worn away the fine 
edges of his feelings, or blunted his sensibility to natural and 
moral beaut}", I compare him to the evergreen of the forest, 
whose colors, instead of fading at the approach of winter, seem to 
assume additional lustre, when contrasted with the surrounding 

desolation ; such a man is my friend Pindar; — yet sometimes, 

and particularly at the approach of evening, even he will fall in 
with my humor ; but he soon recovers his natural tone of spirits ; 
and, mounting on the elasticity of his mind, like Ganymede on 
the eagle's wing, he soars to the ethereal regions of sunshine and 
fancy. 

One afternoon we had strolled to the top of a high hill in the 
neighborhood of the Hall, which commands an almost boundless 
prospect ; and as the shadows began to lengthen around us, and 
the distant mountains to fade into mist, my cousin was seized 
with a moralizing fit. "It seems to me," said he, laying his hand 
lightly on my shoulder, "that there is just at this season, and this 
hour, a sympathy between us and the world we are now contem 



SALMAGUNDI. 191 

plating. The evening is stealing upon nature as well as upon us; 
the shadows of the opening day have given place to those of its 
close ; and the only difierence is, that in the morning they were 
before us, now they are behind ; and that the first vanished in 
the splendors of noonday, the latter will be lost in the oblivion 
of night; — our 'May of life,' my dear Launce, has for ever fled; 

our summer is over and gone: but," continued he, suddenly 

recovering himself^ and slapping me gaily on the shoulder — 
" but why should we repine ? — what ? though the capricious 
zephyrs of spring, the heats and hurricanes of summer, have given 
place to the sober sunshine of autumn ! and though the woods 
begin to assume the dappled lively of decay ! yet the prevailing 
color is still green — ga}', sprightly green. 

"Let us then comfort ourselves with this reflection; that 
tliough the shades of the morning have given place to those of 
the evening — though the spring is past, the summer over, and the 
autumn come — still you and I go on our way rejoicing, and while, 
like the lofty mountains of our southern America, our heads are 
covered with snow, still, like them, we feel the genial warmth of 
spring and summer playing upon our bosoms." 



BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

In the description which I gave some time since, of Cockloft-hall, 
I totally forgot to make honorable mention of the library ; which 
I confess was a most inexcusable oversight ; for in truth it would 
bear a comparison, in point of usefulness and eccentricity, with 
the motley collection of the renowned hero of La Mancha. 

It was chiefly gathered together by my grandfather ; who 
spared neither pains nor expense to procure specimens of the 
oldest, most quaint, and insufferable books in the whole compass 
of English, Scotch, and Irish literature. There is a tradition in 
the family that the old gentleman once gave a grand entertainment 
in consequence of having got possession of a copy of a philippic, 
by archbishop Anselm, against the unseemly luxury of long toed 
shoes, as worn by the courtiers in the time of William Rufus ; 
which he purchased of an honest brick-maker in the neighborhood, 
fjr a little less than forty times its value. He had undoubtedly a 
singular reverence for old authors, and his highest eulogium on 
his library was, that it consisted of books not to be met with in 
any other collection ; and as the phrase is, entirely out of pnnt. 
Tlie reason of which was, I suppose, that they were not worthy 
of being reprinted. 

Cousin Christopher preserves these relics with great care, and 



198 SALMAGUNDI. 

lias added considerably to the collection ; for with the hall he has 
inherited almost all the whim-whams of its former possessor. He 
cherishes a reverential regard for ponderous tomes of Greek and 
Latin ; though he knows about as much of these languages, as a 
young bachelor of arts does a year or two after leaving college. 
A worm-eaten work in eight or ten volumes he compares to an 
old family, more respectable for its antiquity than its splendor ; — 
a lumbering folio he considers as a duke ; — a sturdy quarto, as an 
earl ; and a row of gilded duodecimos, as so many gallant knights 
of the garter. But as to modern works of literature, they are 
thrust into trunks and drawers, as intruding upstarts, and regarded 
with as much contempt as mushroom nobility in England ; who, 
having risen to grandeur, merely by their talents and services, are 
regarded as utterly unworthy to mingle their blood with those 
noble currents that can be traced without a single contamination 
through a long Une of, perhaps, useless and profligate ancestors, 
up to William the bastard's cook, or butler, or groom, or some one 
of Rollo's freebooters. 

"Will Wizard, whose studies are of a most uncommon complex- 
ion, takes great delight in ransacking the library ; and has been, 
during his late sojournings at the hall, very constant and devout 
in his visits to this receptacle of obsolete learning. He seemed 
particularly tickled with the contents of the great mahogany chest 
of drawers mentioned in the beginning of this work. This vene- 
rable piece of architecture has frowned in sullen majesty, from a 
corner of the library, time out of mind ; and is filled with musty 
manuscripts, some in my grandfather's hand-writing, and others 
evidently written long before his day. 

It was a sight, worthy of a man's seeing, to behold Will with 
his outlandish phiz poring over old scrawls that would puzzle a 
whole society of antiquarians to expound, and diving into recep- 
tacles of trumpery, which for a century past, had been undisturb- 
ed by mortal hand. He would sit for whole hours, with a 
phlegmatic patience unknown in these degenerate days, except, 
peradventure, among the High Dutch commentators, prying into 
the quaint obscurity of musty parchments, until his whole face 
seemed to be converted into a folio leaf of black letter ; and occa- 
sionally, when the whimsical meaning of an obscure passage 
flashed on his mind, his countenance would curl up into an 
expression of gothic risibility, not unlike the physiognomy of a 
cabbage leaf wilting before a hot fire. 

At such times there was no getting Will to join in our walks ; 
or take any part in our usual recreations : he hardly gave us an 
oriental tale in a week, and would smoke so inveterately that no 
one else dared enter the library under pain of sufibcation. This 
was more especially the case when he encountered any knotty 
piece of writing ; and he honestly confessed to me that one worm- 
eaten manuscript, written in a pestilent cral)bed hand, had cost 
hiin a box of the best Spanish segars before he could make it 



SALMAGUNDI. 199 

out ; and after all, it was not worth a tobacco-stalk. Such is the 
turn of my knowing associate ; — only let him get fairly in the 
track of any odd out-of-the-way whim-wham, and away he goes, 
whip and cut, until he either runs down his game, or runs him- 
self out of breath ; — I never in my life met with a man who rode 
his hobby horse more intolerably hard than Wizard. 

One of his favorite occupations for some time past, has been 
the hunting of black letter, which he holds in high regard ; and 
he often hints, that learning has been on the decline ever since 
the introduction of the Roman alphabet. An old book printed 
three hundred years ago, is a treasure ; and a ragged scroll, about 
one half unintelligible, fQls him with rapture. Oh ! with what 
enthusiasm will he dwell on the discovery of the Pandects of 
Justinian, and Livy's history: and when he relates the pious 
exertions of the Medici, in recovering the lost treasures of Greek 
and Roman literature, his eye brightens, and his face assumes all 
the splendor of an illuminated manuscript. 

Will had vegetated for a considerable time in perfect tranquilhty 
among dust and cobwebs, when one morning as we were gathered 
on the piazza, listening with exemplary patience to one of cousin 
Christopher's long stories about the revolutionary war, we were 
suddenly electrified by an explosion of laughter from the library. 
My readers, unless peradventure they have heard honest Will 
laugh, can form no idea of the prodigious uproar he makes. To 
hear him in a forest, you would imagine, that is to say if you were 
classical enough, that the satyrs and the dryads had just disco- 
vered a pair of rural lovers in the shade, and were deriding, with 
bursts of obstreperous laughter, the blushes of the nymph and the 
indignation of the swain ; — or if it were suddenly, as in the pre- 
sent instance, to break upon the serene and pensive silence of an 
autumnal morning, it would cause a sensation something like that 
which arises from hearing a sudden clap of thunder in a summer's 
day, when not a cloud is to be seen above the horizon. In short, 
I recommend Will's laugh as a sovereign remedy for the spleen : 
and if any of our readers are troubled with that villanous com- 
plaint, — which can hardly be, if they make good use of our 
works, — I advise them earnestly to get introduced to him forth- 
with. 

This outrageous merriment of Will's, as may be easily sup- 
posed, threw the whole family into a violent fit of wondering; 
we all, with the exception of Christopher, who took the interrup- 
tion in high dudgeon, silently stole up to the library ; and bolting in 
upon him, were fain at the first glance to join in his aspiring roar. 
His face, — but I despair to give an idea of his appearance ! — and 
untU his portrait, which is now in the hands of an eminent artist, 
is engraved, my readers must be content: — I promise them they 
shall one day or other have a striking likeness of Will's in- 
describable phiz, in all its native comeliness. 

Upon my inquiring the occasion of his mirth, he thrust an old 



200 SALMAGUKDI. 

rusty, musty, and dusty manuscript into my hand, of which I 
could not decypher one word out of ten, without more trouble 
than it was w^orth. This task, however, he kindly took off my 
hands ; and, in little more than eight and forty hours, produced a 
translation into fair Eoman letters ; though he assured me it had 
lost a vast deal of its humor by being modernized and degraded 
into plain English. In return for the great pains he had taken, I 
could not do less than insert it in our work. "Will informs me 
that it is but one sheet of a stupendous bundle which still remains 
uninvestigated; — who was the author we have not yet disco- 
vered ; but a note on the back, in my grandfather's hand-writing, 
informs us that it was presented to him as a literary curiosity by 
his particular friend, the illustrious Rip Van Dam, formerly lieu- 
tenant-governor of the colony of New Amsterdam ; and whose 
fame, if it has never reached these latter days, it was only because 
he was too modest a man ever to do anything worthy of being 
particularly recorded. 



CHAP. CIX.— OF THE CHRONICLES OF THE RENOWNED 
AND ANTIENT CITY OF GOTHAM. 

How Gotham city conquered was, 

And how the folks turned apes — ^because. link. fid. 

Albeit, much about this time it did fall out that the thrice re- 
nowned and delectable city of Gotham did suffer great discom- 
fiture, and was reduced to perilous extremity, by the invasion 
and assaults of the Hoppingtots. These are a people inhabiting 
a far distant country, exceedingly pleasaunte and fertile ; but they 
being withal egregiously addicted to migrations, do thence issue 
forth in mighty swarms, like the Scythians of old, overrunning 
divers countries, and commonwealths, and committing great 
devastations wheresoever they do go, by their horrible and dread- 
ful feats and prowesses. They are specially noted for being right 
valorous in all exercises of the leg ; and of them it hath been 
rightly affirmed that no nation in all Christendom or elsewhere, 
can cope with them in the adroit, dexterous, and jocimd shaking 
of the heel. 

This engaging excellence doth stand unto them a sovereign 
recommendation, by the which they do insinuate themselves into 
universal favor and good countenance ; and it is a notable fact, 
that, let a Hoppingtot but once introduce a foot into company, and 
it goeth hardly if he doth not contrive to flourish his whole >to(ly 
in thereafter. The learned Linkum Fidelius, in his famous Mid 



SALMAGUNDI. 201 

unheard of treatise ou man, whom he defineth, with exceeding 
sagacity, to be a corn-cutting, tooth-drawing animal, is particular- 
ly minute and elaborate in treating of the nation of the Hopping- 
tots, and betrays a little of the Pythagorean in his theory, inas- 
much as he accounteth for their being so wonderously adroit in 
pedestrian exercises, by supposing that they did originally acquire 
this unaccountable and unparalleled aptitude for huge and un- 
niatchable feats of the leg, by having heretofore been condemned 
for their numerous offences against that harmless race of bipeds, 
— or quadrupeds, — for herein the sage Linkum Fidelius appeareth 
to doubt and waver exceedingly, the frogs, to animate their bodies 
for the space of one or two generations. 

He also giveth it as his opinion, that the name of Hoppingtots 
is manifestly derivative from this transmigration. Be this, how- 
ever, as it may, the matter, albeit it hath been the subject of con- 
troversy among the learned, is but little pertinent to the subject. of 
this history ; wherefore shall we treat and consider it as naughte. 

Now these people being thereto impelled by a superfluity of 
appetite, and a plentiful deficiency of the wherewithal to satisfy 
the same, did take thought that the antient and venerable city of 
Gotham, was, peradventure, possessed of mighty treasures, and 
did, moreover, abound with all manner of fish and flesh, and eata- 
bles and drinkables, and such Uke delightsome and wholesome 
excellencies withal. Whereupon calling a council of the most 
active heeled warriors, they did resolve forthwith to put forth a 
mighty array, make themselves masters of the same, and revel in 
the good things of the land. To this were they hotly stuTed up, 
and wickedly incited, by two redoubtable and renowned warriors, 
hight PiROUET and rigadoon; ycleped in such sort, by reason 
that they were two mighty, vahant, and invincible little men; 
utterly famous for the victories of the leg which they had, on 
divers illustrious occasions, right gallantly achieved 

These doughty champions did ambitiously and wickedly inflame 
the minds of their countrymen, with gorgeous descriptions, in the 
which they did cunninglie set forth the marvellous riches and 
luxuries of Gotham; where Hoppingtots might have garments 
for their bodies, shirts to their ruffles, and might riot most merrily 
every day in the week on beef, pudding, and such like lusty 
dainties. — They, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did likewise hold out hopes 
of an easy conquest ; forasmuch as the Gothamites were as yet 
but little versed in the mystery and science of handling the legs ; 
and being, moreover, like unto that notable bully of antiquity, 
Achilles, most vulnerable to all attacks on the heel, would doubt- 
less surrender at the very first assault. — Whereupon, on the 
hearing of this inspiriting counsel, the Hoppingtots did set up a 
prodigious great cry of joy, shook their heels in triumph, and 
were all impatience to dance on to Gotham and take it by 
storm. 

The cunnmg Pirouet, and the arch caitiff Rigadoon, knew full 



202 SALMAGUNDI. 

well how to profit of this enthusiasm. They forthwith did order 
every man to arm himself with a certain pestilent little weapon, 
called a fiddle ; — to pack up in his knapsack a pair of silk 
breeches, the like of ruffles, a cocked hat of the form of a half- 
moon, a bundle of catgut — and inasmuch as in marching to 
Gotham, the army might peradventure be smitten with scarcity 
of provisions, they did account it proper that each man should 
take especial care to carry with him a bunch of right merchanta- 
ble onions. Having proclaimed these orders by sound of fiddle, 
they, Pirouet and Rigadoon, did accordingly put their army be- 
hind them, and striking up the right jolly and sprightful tune of 
Ca Ira, away they all capered towards the devoted city of 
Gotham, with a most horrible and appalling chattering of 
voices. 

Of their first appearance before the beleaguered town, and of the 
various difficulties which did encounter them in their march, this 
liistory saith not ; being that other matters of more weighty 
import require to be written. When that the army of the 
Hoppingtots did peregrinate within sight of Gotham, and the 
people of the city did behold the villanous and hitherto unseen 
capers, and grimaces, which they did make, a most horrific panic 
was stirred up among the citizens ; and the sages of the town 
fell into great despondency and tribulation, as supposing that 
these invaders were of the race of the Jig-hees, who did make 
men into baboons when they achieved a conquest over them. 
The sages, therefore, called upon all the dancing men, and dan- 
cing women, and exhorted them v»'ith great vehemency of speech, 
to make heel against the invaders, and to put themselves upon 
such gallant defence, such glorious array, and such sturdy evolu- 
tion, elevation, and transposition of the foot as might incontinently 
impester the legs of the Hoppingtots, and produce their complete 
discomfiture. But so it did happen, by great mischance, that di- 
vers light-heeled youth of Gotham, more especially those who 
are descended from three wise men, so renowned of yore for 
having most venturesomely voyaged over sea in a bowl, were, 
fi-om time to time, captured and inveigled into the camp of the 
enemy ; where, being foolishly cajoled and treated for a season 
with outlandish disports and pleasantries, they were sent back 
to their friends, entirely changed, degenerated, and turned topsy- 
turvy ; insomuch that they thought thenceforth of nothing but 
their heels, always essaying to thrust them into the most mani- 
fest point of view ; — and, in a word, as might truly be affirmed, 
did for ever after walk upon their heads outright. 

And the Hoppingtots did day by day, and at late hours of the 
night, wax more and more urgent in this their investment of the 
city. At one time they would, in goodly procession, make an 
open assault by sound of fiddle in a tremendous contra-dance ; — 
and anon they would advance by little detachments and manoeu- 
vres to take the town by figuring in cotillons. But truly their 



SALMAGUNDI. 203 

most cunning and devilish craft, and subtiltj, was made manifest 
in their strenuous endeavors to corrupt the gairison, by a most in- 
sidious and pestilent dance called the Waltz. This, in good truth, 
was a potent auxiliary ; for, by it, were the heads of the simple 
Gothamites most villanously turned, their wits sent a wool- 
gathering, and themselves on the point of surrendering at discre- 
tion even unto the very arms of their invading foemen. 

At length the fortifications of the town began to give manifest 
symptoms of decay ; inasmuch as the breastwork of decency was 
considerably broken down, and the curtain works of propriety 
blown up. When that the cunning caitiff" Pirouet beheld the 
ticklish and jeopardized state of the city — "Now, by my leg," 
quoth he, — he always swore by his leg, being that it was an ex- 
ceedingly goodlie leg; — "Now, by my leg," quoth he, "but this 
is no great matter of recreation; — I will show these people a 
pretty, strange, and new way forsooth, presentlie, and will shake 
the dust off" my pumps upon this most obstinate and uncivilized 
town." Whereupon he ordered, and did command his warriors, 
one and all, that they should put themselves in readiness, and 
prepare to carry the town by a gkand ball. They, in no wise to 
be daunted, do forthwith, at the word, equip themselves for the 
assault ; and in good faith, truly, it was a gracious and glorious 
sight, a most triumphant and incomparable spectacle, to behold 
them gallantly arraj^ed in glossy and shining silk breeches tied 
with abundance of riband ; with silken hose of the gorgeous color 
of the salmon; — right goodlie morocco pumps, decorated with 
clasps or buckles of a most cunninge and secret contrivance, inas- 
much as they did of themselves grapple to the shoe without any 
aid of fluke or tongue, marvellously ensembling witchcraft and 
necromancy. They had, withal, exuberant chitterlings ; which 
puff'ed out at the neck and bosom, after a most jolly fashion, like 
unto the beard of an antient he-turkey ; — and cocked hats, the 
which they did carry not on their heads, after the fashion of the 
Gothamites, but under their arms, as a roasted fowl his gizzard. 

Thus being equipped, and marshalled, they do attack, assault, 
batter, and belabor the town with might and main ; — most 
gallantly displaying the vigor of their legs, and shaking their 
heels at it most emphatically. And the manner of their attack 
was in this sort ; — first, they did thunder and gallop forward in a 
contre temps ; — and anon, displayed column in a Cossack dance, a 
fandango, or a gavot. Whereat the Gothamites, in no wise 
understanding this unknown system of warfare, marvelled 
exceedinglie, and did open their mouths incontinently, the full 
distance of a bow-shot, meaning a cross-bow, in sore dismay and 
apprehension. Whereupon, saith Rigadoon, flourishing his left 
leg with great expression of valor, and most magnific carriage — 
" my copesmates, for what wait we here ; are not the townsmen 
already won to our favor? — do not their women and young 
damsels wave to us from the walls in such sort that, albeit there 



204 SALMAGUNDI. 

is some show of defence, yet is it manifestly converted into our 
interests?" so saying, he made no more ado, but leaping into the 
air about a flight-shot, and crossing his feet six times, after the 
manner of the Hoppingtots, he gave a short partridge-run, and 
with mighty vigor and swiftness did bolt outright over the walls 
with a somerset. The whole army of Hoppingtots danced in 
after their valiant chieftain, with an enormous squeaking of fiddles, 
and a horrific blasting and brattling of horns ; insomuch that the 
dogs did howl in the streets, so liideously were their ears assailed. 
The Grothamites made some semblance of defence, but their 
women having been all won over into the interest of the enemy, 
they were shortly reduced to make most abject submission ; and 
delivered over to the coercion of certain professors of the Hop- 
pingtots, who did put them under most ignominious durance, for 
the space of a long time, until they had learned to turn out their 
toes, and flourish their legs after the manner of their conquerors. 
And thus, after the manner I have related, was the mighty and 
puissant city of Gotham circumvented, and taken by a coup de 
pied : or as it might be rendered, by force of legs. 

The conquerors showed no mercy, but did put all ages, sexes, 
and conditions, to the fiddle and the dance; and, in a word, 
compelled and enforced them to become absolute Hoppingtots. 
"Habit," as the ingenious Linkum Fidelius profoundly affirmeth, 
*' is second nature." And this original and invaluable observation 
hath been most aptly proved, and illustrated, by the example of 
the Gothamites, ever since this disastrous and unlucky mischance. 
In process of time, they have waxed to be most flagrant, out- 
rageous, and abandoned dancers; they do ponder on noughte but 
how to gallantize it at balls, routs, and fandangoes ; insomuch that 
the like was in no time or place ever observed before. They do 
moreover, pitifully devote their niglits to the jollification of the 
legs, and their days forsooth to the instruction and edification 
of the heel. And to conclude ; their young folk, who whilome 
did bestow a modicum of leisure upon the improvement of the 
head, have of late utterly abandoned this hopeful task ; and have 
quietly, as it were, settled themselves down into mere machines, 
wound up by a tune, and set in motion by a fiddlestick ! 



SALMAGUNDI. 205 



NO. XVIIL— TUESDAY, NOV. 24, 1807. 
THE LITTLE MAN IN BLACK. 

BY LAUNCELOT LANGSTAFF, ESQ. 

The following story has been handed down by family tradition 
for more than a century. It is one on which my cousin Christo- 
pher dweUs with more than usual prolixity : and, being in some 
measure connected with a personage often quoted in our work, I 
have thought it worthy of being laid before my readers. 

Soon after my grandfather, Mr. Lemuel Cockloft, had quietly 
settled himself at the haU, and just about the time that the 
gossips of the neighborhood, tued of prying into his affairs, were 
anxious for some new tea-table topic, the busy community of our 
little village was thrown into a grand turmoU of curiosity and 
conjecture ; a situation very common to httle gossiping villages, 
by the sudden and unaccountable appearance of a mysterious 
individual 

The object of this solicitude was a little black-looking man. of 
a foreign aspect, who took possession of an old budding, which 
having long had the reputation of being haunted, was in a state 
of ruinous desolation, and an object of fear to all true believers in 
ghosts. He usually wore a high sugar-loaf hat with a narrow 
brim; and a little black cloak, which, short as he was, scarcely 
reached below his knees. He sought no intimacy or acquaint- 
ance with any one ; appeared to take no interests in the pleasures 
or the little broils of the village ; nor ever talked ; except some- 
times to himself in an outlandish tongue. He commonly carried 
a large book, covered with sheepskin, under his arm; appeared 
always to be lost in meditation ; and was often met by the pea- 
santry sometimes watching the dawning of day, sometimes at 
noon seated under a tree poring over his volume ; and sometimes 
at evening gazing with a look of sober tranquiUity at the sun as 
it gradually sunk below the horizon. 

The good people of the vicinity beheld something prodigiously 
singular in all this ; — a j)rofouud mystery seemed to hang about 
the stranger which, with all their sagacity, they could not pene- 
trate ; and in the excess of worldly charity they pronounced it a 
sure sign "that he was no better than he should be; " — a phrase 
innocent enough in itself: but which, as applied in common, sig- 



206 SALMAGUNDI. 

nifies nearly every thing that is bad. The young people thought 
him a gloomy misanthrope, because he never joined in their 
sports; — the old men thought still more hardly of him because 
he followed no trade, nor ever seemed ambitious of earning a 
farthing ; — and as to the old gossips, baffled by the inflexible taci- 
turnity of the stranger, they unanimously decreed that a man 
who could not or would not talk was no better than a dumb beast. 
The little man in black, careless of their opinions, seemed resolved 
to maintain the liberty of keeping his own secret ; and the conse- 
quence was, that, in a little while, the whole village was in an 
uproar; — for in little communities of this description, the mem- 
bers have always the privilege of being thoroughly versed, and 
even of meddling in all the aftairs of each other. 

A confidential conference was held one Sunday morning after 
sermon, at the door of the village church, and the character of the 
unknown fully investigated. The schoolmaster gave as his 
opinion, that he was the wandering Jew ; the sexton was certain 
that he must be a free-mason from his silence ; — a third main- 
tained, with great obstinacy, that he was a liigh German doctor ; 
and that the book which he carried about with him, contained 
the secrets of the black art ; but the most prevailing opinion 
seemed to be that he was a witch; — a race of beings at that time 
abounding in those parts; and a sagacious old matron, from 
Connecticut, proposed to ascertain the fact by sousing him into a 
kettle of hot water. 

Suspicion, when once afloat, goes with wind and tide, and soon 
becomes certainty. Many a stormy night was the little man in 
black seen by the flashes of lightning, frisking and curveting in 
the air upon a broomstick ; and it was always observed, tliat at 
those times the storm did more mischief than at any other. The 
old lady in particular, who suggested the humane ordeal of the 
boiling kettle, lost on one of these occasions a fine brindle cow ; 
which accident was entirely ascribed to the vengeance of the little 
man in black. If ever a mischievous hireling rode his master's 
favorite horse to a distant frolic, and the animal was observed to 
be lame and jaded in the morning, — the little man in black was 
sure to be at the bottom of the affair ; nor could a high wind 
howl through the village at night but the old women shrugged 
up their shoulders, and observed, " the little man in black was in 
his tanirwnsy In short, he became the bugbear of every house ; 
and was as efiectual in frightening Httle children into obedience 
and hysterics, as the redoubtable Eaw-head-and-bloody-bones 
himself ; nor could a housewife of the village sleep in peace, 
except under the guardianship of a horse-shoe nailed to the door. 

The object of these direful suspicions remained for some time 
totally ignorant of the wonderful quandary he had occasioned ; 
but he was soon doomed to feel its eflfects. An individual who is 
once so unfortunate as to incur the odium of a village, is in a 
great measure outlawed and proscribed ; and tjecomes a mark for 



SALMAGUNDI. 207 

injury and insult; particular!}^ if he has not the power or the dis- 
position to recriminate. The little venomous passions, which in 
the great world are dissipated and weakened by being widely 
diffused, act in the narrow limits of a country town with collected 
vigor, and become rancorous in proportion as they are confined in 
their sphere of action. The little man in black experienced the 
truth of this ; every mischievous urchin returning from school, had 
full liberty to break his windows ; and this was considered as a 
most daring exploit ; for in such awe did they stand of him, that 
the most ad venturous school boy was never seen to approach his 
tln-eshhold, and at night would prefer going round by the cross- 
roads, where a traveller had bt-on murdered by the Indians, 
rather than pass by the door of his forlorn habitation. 

The only living creature that seemed to have any care or affec- 
tion for tliis deserted being, was a:i old turnspit, — the companion 
of his lonely mansion and his solitary wandering ; — the sharer of 
his scanty meals, and, sorry I am to say it, — the sharer of his per- 
secutions. The turnspit, like his master, was peaceable and inof- 
fensive ; never known to bark at a horse, to growl at a traveller, 
or to quarrel with the dogs of the neighborhood. He followed 
close at his master's heels when he went out, and when he 
returned stretched himself in the sunbeams at the door ; demean- 
ing himself in all things like a civil and well disposed turnspit. 
But notwithstanding his exemplary deportment, he fell likewise 
under the ill report of the village ; as being the familiar of the 
little man in blaclj:, and the evil spirit that presided at his incan- 
tations. The old hovel was considered as the scene of their un- 
hallowed rites, and its harmless tenants regarded with a detesta- 
tion which their inoffensive conduct never merited. — Though 
pelted and jeered at by the brats of the village, and frequently 
abused by their parents, the little man in black never turned to 
rebuke them; and his faithful dog, when wantonly assaulted, 
looked up wistfully in his master's face, and there learned a 
lesson of patience and forbearance. 

The movements of this inscrutable being had long been the 
subject of speculation at Cockloft-hall, for its inmates were full as 
much given to wondering as their descendants. The patience 
with which he bore his persecutions, particularly surprised them ; 
for patience is a virtue but little known in the Cockloft family. 
My grandmother, who it appears was rather superstitious, saw in 
this humility nothing but the gloomy sullenness of a wizard, who 
restrained himself for the present, in hopes of midnight vengeance ; 
— the parson of the village, who was a man of some reading, pro- 
nounced it the stubborn insensibility of a stoic pliilosopher ; — my 
grandfather, who, worthy soul, seldom wandered abroad in search 
of conclusions, took a data from his own excellent heart, and re- 
garded it as the humble forgiveness of a Christian, But however 
difiterent were their opinions as to the character of the stranger, 
they agreed in one particular, namely, in never intruding upon 



908 SALMAGUNDI. 

his solitude ; and my grandmother, who was at that time nursing 
my mother, never left the room without wisely putting the large 
family bible in the cradle ; a sure talisman, in her opinion, against 
witchcraft and necromancy. 

One stormy winter night, when a bleak north-east wind moaned 
about the cottages, and howled around the village steeple, my 
grandfather was returning from club, preceded by a servant with 
a lantern. Just as he arrived opposite the desolate abode of the 
little man in black, he was arrested by the piteous howhng of a 
dog, which, heard in the pauses of a storm, was exquisitely 
mournful ; and he fancied now and then, that he caught the low 
and broken groans of some one in distress. — He stopped for some 
minutes, hesitating between the benevolence of his heart and a 
sensation of genuine delicacy, which, in spite of his eccentricity, he 
fully possessed, — and which forbade him to pry into the concerns 
of his neighbors. Perhaps, too, this hesitation might have been 
strengthened by a little taint of superstition ; for surely, if the un- 
known had been addicted to witchcraft, this was a most propitious 
night for his vagaries. At length the old gentleman's philan- 
thropy predominated; he approached the hovel, and pushing 
open the door, — for poverty has no occasion for locks and keys, — 
beheld, by the light of the lantern, a scene that smote his generous 
heart to the core. 

On a miserable bed, with pallid and emaciated visage and hol- 
low eyes ; — in a room destitute of every convenience ; — without 
fire to warm or friend to console him, lay this helpless mortal, who 
had been so long the terror and wonder of the village. His dog 
was crouching on the scanty coverlet, and shivering with cold. 
My grandfather stepped softly and hesitatingly to the bed-side, 
and accosted the forlorn sufferer in his usual accents of kindness. 
The little man in black seemed recalled by the tones of compas- 
sion from the lethargy into which he had fallen ; for, though his 
heart was almost frozen, there was yet one chord that answered 
to the call of the good old man who bent over him ; the tones of 
sympathy so novel to his ear, called back his wandering senses, 
and acted like a restorative to his solitary feelings. 

He raised his eyes, but they were vacant and haggard; — he 
put forth his hand, but it was cold ; he essayed to speak, but the 
sound died away in his throat; — he pointed to his mouth with an 
expression of dreadful meaning, and, sad to relate ! my grand- 
father understood that the harmless stranger, deserted by society, 
was perishing with hunger ! — with the quick impulse of humanity 
he despatched the servant to the hall for refreshment. A little 
warm nourishment renovated him for a short time, but not long ; 
— it was evident his pilgrimage was drawing to a close, and he 
was about entering that peaceful asylum, where " the wicked 
cease fi'om troubling." 

His tale of misery was short and quickly told ; infirmities had 
stolen upon him, heightened by the rigors of the season : he had 



SALMAGUNDI. 209 

taken to his bed without strength to rise and ask for assistance ; 
— " and if I had," said he, in a tone of bitter despondency, " to 
whom should I liave applied? I have no friend that I koow of in 
the world! — the villagers avoid me as something loathsome and 
dangerous ; and here, in the midst of Christians, should I have 
perished, without a fellow being to soothe the last moments of ex- 
istence, and close my dying eyes, had not the bowlings of my 
faithful dog excited your attention." 

He seemed deeply sensible of the kindness of my grandfather ; 
and at one time as he looked up into his old benefactor's face, a 
solitary tear was observed to steal adown the parched furrows of 
his cheek — poor outcast ! — it was the last tear he shed ; — but I 
warrant it was not the first by millions 1 my grandfather watched 
by him all night. Towards morning he gradually declined ; and 
as the rising sun gleamed through the window, he begged to be 
raised in his bed that he might look at it for the last time. He 
contemplated it for a moment with a kind of religious enthusiasm, 
and his lips moved as if engaged in prayer. The strange conjec- 
tures concerning him rushed on my grandfather's mind : " ho is 
an idolatorl" thought he, "and is worshipping the sun 1" — He 
listened a moment and blushed at his own uncharitable suspicion ; 
he was only engaged in the pious devotions of a Christian. His 
simple orison being finished, the little man in black withdrew his 
eyes fi'om the east, and taking my grandfather's hand in one of 
his, and making a motion with the other towards the sun; — "I 
love to contemplate it," said he, " 'tis an emblem of the universal 
^fienevolence of a true Christian ; — and it is the most glorious 
work of him, who is philanthropy itself!" My grandfather 
blushed still deeper at his ungenerous surmises ; he had pitied the 
stranger at first, but now he revered him : — he turned once more 
to regard him, but his countenance had undergone a change; — 
the holy enthusiasm that had lighted up each feature, had given 
place to an expression of mysterious import ; — a gleam of grandeur 
seemed to steal across his Gothic visage, and he appeared full of 
some mighty secret which he hesitated to impart. He raised the 
tattered nightcap that had sunk almost over his eyes, and waving 
his withered hand with a slow and feeble expression of dignity, 
— "In me," said he, with laconic solemnity, — "in me you behold 
the last descendant of the renowned Linkura Fidelius !" My 
grandfather gazed at him with reverence; for though he had 
never heard of the illustrious personage, thus pompously an- 
nounced, yet there was a certain black-letter dignity in the name 
that peculiarly struck his fancy and commanded his respect. 

" You have been kind to me," continued the little man in black, 
after a momentary pause, " and richly will I requite your kind- 
ness by making you heir to my treasures I In yonder large deal 
box are the volumes of my illustrious ancestor, of which I alone am 
the fortunate possessor. Inherit them, ponder over them, and be 
wise 1" He grew faint with the exertion he had made, and sunk 

14 



210 SALMAGUNDI. 

back almost breatliless on his pillow. His hand, which, inspired 
with the importance of his subject, he had raised to my grand- 
father's arm, slipped from its hold and fell over the side of the 
bed, and his faithful dog licked it, as if anxious to soothe the last 
moments of his dying master and testify his gratitude to the hand 
that had so often cherished him. The untaught caresses of the 
faithful animal were not lost upon his dying master ; — he raised 
his languid eyes, — turned them on the dog, then on my grand- 
father; and having given this silent recommendation — closed 
them for ever. 

The remains of the little man in black, notwithstanding the 
objections of many pious people, were decently interred in the 
church-yard of the village ; and his spirit, harmless as the body it 
once animated, has never been known to molest a living being. 
My grandfather complied, as far as possible, with his last request ; 
he conveyed the volumes of Linkum Fidelius to his library ; — he 
pondered over them frequently : — but whether he grew wiser, 
the tradition doth not mention. This much is certain, that his 
kindness to the poor descendant of Fidelius was amply rewarded 
by the approbation of his own heart, and the devoted attachment 
of the old turnspit; who transferring his aft'ection from his 
deceased master to his benefactor, became his constant attendant, 
and was father to a long line of runty curs that still flourish in 
the family. And thus was the Cockloft library first enriched by 
the invaluable folios of the sage Linkum Fidelius 



LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, TO 
ASEM HACCHEM, PRINCIPAL SLAVE-DRIVER TO HIS 
HIGHNESS THE BASHAW OF TRIPOLL 

Though I am often disgusted, my good Asem, with the vices 
and absurdities of the men of this country, yet the women 
afford me a world of amusement. Their hvely prattle is as 
diverting as the chattering of the red-tailed parrot ; nor can the 
green-headed monkey of Timandi equal them in whim and play- 
fulness. But, notwithstanding these valuable qualifications, I am 
sorry to observe they are not treated with half the attention 
bestowed on the before mentioned animals. These infidels put 
their parrots in cages and chain their monkeys ; but their women, 
instead of being carefuUy shut up in harams and seraghos, are 
abandoned to the direction of their own reason, and suffered to 
run about in perfect freedom, like other domestic animals: — this 
comes, Asem, of treatmg their women as rational beings, and 
allowing them souls. The consequence of this piteous neglect 



SALMAGUNDI. 211 

may easily be imagined ; they have degenerated into all their 
native wilduess, are seldom to be caught at home, and, at an early 
age, take to the streets and highways, where they rove about in 
droves, giving almost as much annoyance to the peaceable people 
as the troops of wild dogs that infest our great cities, or the 
flights of locusts that sometimes spread famine and desolation 
over whole regions of fertility. 

This propensity to relapse into pristine wildness, convinces me of 
the untameable disposition of the sex, who may indeed be partially 
domesticated by a long course of confinement and restraint, but 
the moment they are restored to personal freedom, become wild 
as the young partridge of this country, which, though scarcely 
half-hatched, will take to the fields and run about with the shell 
upon its back. 

Notwithstanding their wildness, however, they are remarkably 
easy of access, and suffer themselves to be approached, at certain 
hours of the day, without any symptoms of apprehension : and I 
have even happily succeeded in detecting them at their domestic 
occupations. One of the most important of these, consists in 
thumping vehemently on a kind of musical instrument, and pro- 
ducing a confused, hideous, and indefinable uproar, which they 
call the description of a battle ; — a jest, no doubt, for they are 
wonderfully facetious at times, and make great practice of passing 
jokes upon strangers. Sometimes they employ themselves in 
painting little caricatures of landscapes, wherein they display 
their singular drollery in bantering nature fairly out of counte- 
nance ; representing her tricked out in all the tawdry finery of 
copper skies, purple rivers, calico rocks, red grass, clouds that look 
like old clothes set adrift by the tempest, and foxy trees, whose 
melancholy foliage, drooping and curling most fantasticallj^, reminds 
me of an undressed periwig that I have, now and then, seen 
hung on a stick in a barber's window. At other times, they em- 
ploy themselves in acquiring a smattering of languages spoken 
by nations on the other side of the globe, as they find their own 
language not sufficiently copious to supply their constant de- 
mands, and express their multifarious ideas. But their most im- 
portant domestic avocation is, to embroider, on satin or muslin, 
flowers of a nondescript kind, in which the great art is to make 
them as unlike nature as possible ; — or to fasten little bits of 
silver, gold, tinsel and glass, on long strips of muslin, which they 
drag after them with much dignity whenever they go abroad ; — a 
fine lady, like a bird of paradise, being estimated by the length 
of her tail. 

But do not, my fiiend, fall into the enormous error of supposing, 
that the exercise of these arts is attended with any useful or pro- 
fitable results ; — believe me, thou couldst not indulge an idea 
more unjust and injurious ; for it appears to be an established 
maxim among the women of this country, that a lady loses her 
dignity when she condescends to be useful ; and forfeits all rank 



212 SALMAGUNDI. 

in society the moment she can be convicted of earning a farthing. 
Their labors, therefore, are directed not towards supplying their 
household, but in decking their persons, and — generous souls — 
they deck their persons, not so much to please themselves, as to 
gratify others, particularly strangers. I am confident thou wilt 
stare at this, my good Asem, accustomed as thou art to our east- 
ern females, who shrink in blushing timidity even from the glance 
of a lover, and are so chary of their favors, that they even seem 
fearful of lavishing their smiles too profusely on their husbands. 
Here, on the contrary, the stranger has the first place in female 
regard, and, so far do they carry their hospitality, that I have seen 
a tine lady slight a dozen tried friends and real admirers, who 
lived in her sn]iles and made her happiness their study, merely to 
allure the vague and wandering glances of a stranger, who viewed 
her person with indifference, and treated her advances with con- 
tempt. By the whiskers of our sublime bashaw, but this is highly 
flattering to a foreigner! and thou mayest judge how particularly 
pleasing to one who is, like myself, so ardent an admirer of the 
sex. Far be it from me to condemn this extraordinary manifes- 
tation of good will — let their own countrymen look to that. 

Be not alarmed, I conjure thee, my dear Asem, lest I should be 
tempted, by these beautiful barbarians, to break the faith I owe 
to the three-and-twenty wives, from whom my unhappy destiny 
has perhaps severed me for ever; — no, Asem, neither time, nor 
the bitter succession of misfortunes that pursues me, can shake 
from my heart the memory of former attachments. I listen with 
tranquil heart to the strumming and prattling of these fair syrens ; 
then whimsical paintings touch not the tender chord of my affec- 
tions ; and I would still defy their fascinations, though they trailed 
after them traUs as long as the gorgeous trappings which are 
dragged at the heels of the holy camel of Mecca : or as the tail 
of the great beast in our prophet's vision, which measured three 
hundred and forty-nine leagues, two miles, three furlongs, and a 
hand's breadth in longitude. 

The dress of these women is, if possible, more eccentric and 
whimsical than their deportment ; and they take an inordinate 
pride in certain ornaments which are probably derived from their 
savage progenitors. A woman of this country, dressed out for 
an exhibition, is loaded with as many ornaments as a Circassian 
slave when brought out for sale. Their heads are tricked out 
with little bits of horn or sheU, cut into fantastic shapes, and they 
seem to emulate each other in the number of these singular 
baubles: — like the women we have seen in our journeys to 
Aleppo, who cover their heads with the entire shell of a tortoise, 
and, thus equipped, are the envy of all their less fortunate ac- 
quaintance. They also decorate their necks and ears with coral, 
gold chains, and glass beads, and load their fingers with a variety 
of rings ; tliough, I must confess, I have never perceived that 
they wear any in their noses — as has been affirmed by many 



SAUIAGUXm. 213 

travellers. We have heard much of their painting themselves 
most hideously, and making use of bear's grease in great profu- 
sion : but this, I solemnly assure thee, is a misrepresentation ; 
civilization, no doubt, having gradually extirpated these nauseous 
practices. It is true, I have seen two or three of these females, 
who had disguised their features with paint ; but then it was 
merely to give a tinge of red to their cheeks, and did not look 
very frightful ; and as to ointment, they rarely use any now, 
except occasionally a little Grecian oil for their hair, which gives 
it a gloss3\ greasy, and, they think, very comely appearance. The 
last mentioned class of females, I take it for granted, have been 
but lately caught, and still retain strong traits of their original 
savage propensities. 

The most flagrant and inexcusable fault, however, which I 
find in these lovely savages, is the shameless and abandoned ex- 
posure of their persons. "Wilt thou not suspect me of exaggera- 
tion when I affirm ; — wilt thou not blush for them, most discreet 
Mussulman, wlien I declare to thee, that they are so lost to all 
sense of modesty, as to expose the whole of their faces from their 
forehead to the ciiin, and they even go abroad with their hands 
uncovered 1 Monstrous indelicacy ! 

But what I am going to disclose, will, doubtless, appear to thee 
still more incredible. Though I cannot forbear paying a tribute 
of admiration to the beautiful faces of these fair infidels, yet I 
must give it as my firm opinion, that their persons are preposter- 
ously unseemly. In vain did I look around me, on my first land- 
ing, for those divine forms of redundant proportions, which 
answer to the true standard of eastern beauty ; — not a single fat 
fair one could I behold among the multitudes that thronged the 
streets ; the females that passed in review before me, tripping 
sportively along, resembled a procession of shadows, returning to 
their graves at the crowing of the cock. 

This meagreness I first ascribed to their excessive volubility; 
for I have somewhere seen it advanced by a learned doctor, that 
the sex were endowed with a peculiar activity of tongue, in 
order that they might practise talking as a healthful exercise, 
necessary to their confined and sedentary mode of life. This ex- 
ercise, it was natural to suppose, would be carried to great excess 
in a logocracy — "Too true," thought I, "they have converted, 
what was undoubtedly meant as a beneficent gifl., into a noxious 
habit, that steals the flesh from their bones and the rose from 
their cheeks — they absolutely talk themselves thin I" Judge then 
of my surprise when I was assured, not long since, that this 
meagreness was considered the perfection of personal beauty, and 
that many a lady starved herself, with all the obstinate persever- 
ance of a pious dervise — into a fine figure! — "Nay, more," said 
my informer, "they will often sacrifice their healths in this eager 
pursuit of skeleton beauty, and drink vuiegar, eat pickles, and 
smoke tobacco, to keep themselves withhi the scanty outlines of 



214 SALMAGUNDI. 

the fashions." Faugh ! Allah preserve me from such beauties, 
who contaminate their pure blood with noxious receipts; who 
impiously sacrifice the best gifts of Heaven, to a preposterous and 
mistaken vanity. Ere long I shall not be surprised to see them 
scarring their faces like the negroes of Congo, flattening their 
noses in imitation of the Hottentots, or like the barbarians of 
Ab-al Timar, distorting their lips and ears out of all natural 
dimensions. Since I received this information, I cannot contem- 
plate a fine figure, without thinking of a vinegar cruet; nor look 
at a dashing belle, without fancying her a pot of pickled cucum- 
bers 1 What a difference, my friend, between these shades and the 
plump beauties of Tripoli, — what a contrast betAveen an infidel 
fair one and my favorite Mdfe Fatima, whom I bought by the 
hundred weight, and had trundled home in a wheel-barrow ! 

But enough for the present ; I am promised a faithful account 
of the arcana of a lady's toilette — a complete initiation into the 
arts, mysteries, spells and potions ; in short, the whole chymical 
process by which she reduces herself down to the most fashiona- 
ble standard of insignificance: together with specimens of the strait 
waistcoats, the lacings, the bandages, and the various ingenious 
instruments with which she puts nature to the rack, and tortures 
herself into a proper figure to be admired. 

Farewell, thou sweetest of slave-drivers ! the echoes that re- 
peat to a lover's ear the song of his mistress, are not more sooth- 
ing than tidings from those we love. Let thy answer to m}' 
letters be speedy ; and never, I pray thee, for a moment, cease to 
watch over the prosperity of my house, and the welfare of my 
beloved wives. Let them want for nothing, my friend ; but feed 
them plentifully on honey, boiled rice and water gruel ; so that 
when I return to the blessed land of my fathers, if that can ever 
be ! I may find them improved in size and loveliness, and sleek as 
the graceful elephants that range the green valley of Abimar. 

Ever thine, 

MUSTAPHA. 



SALMAGUNDI. '215 



NO. XIX.— THURSDAY, DEC. 31, ISO^. 



FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Having returned to town, and once more formally taken pos- 
session of my elbow-chair, it behooves me to discard the rural 
feelings, and the rural sentiments, in which I have for some time 
past indulged, and devote myself more exclusively to the edifica- 
tion of the town. As I feel at this moment a chivalric spark of 
gallantry playing around my heart, and one of those dulcet 
emotions of cordiality, which an old bachelor will sometimes en- 
tertain towards the divine sex, 1 am determined to gratify the 
sentiment for once, and devote this number exclusively to the 
ladies. I would not, however, have our fair readers imagine that 
we wish to flatter ourselves into their good graces ; devoutly as 
we adore them ! — and what true cavalier does not ? — and heartily 
as we desire to flourish in the mild sunshine of their smiles, yet we 
scorn to insinuate ourselves into their favor ; unless it be as honest 
friends, sincere well wishers, and disinterested advisers. If in the 
course of this number they find us rather prodigal of our enco- 
miums, they will have the modesty to ascribe it to the excess of 
their own merits ; — if they find us extemely indulgent to their 
faults, they will impute it rather to the superabundance of our 
good nature, than to any servile and illiberal fear of giving offence. 

The following letter of Mustapha falls in exactly with the cur- 
rent of my purpose. As I have before mentioned that his letters 
are without dates, we are obliged to give them very irregularly, 
without any regard to chronological order. 

The present one appears to have been written not long after his 
arrival, and antecedent to several already published. It is more 
in the famUiar and colloquial style than the others. Will Wizard 
declares he has translated it with fidelity, excepting that he has 
omitted several remarks on the waltz, which the honest Mussul- 
man eulogizes with great enthusiasm ; comparing it to certain 
voluptuous dances of the seraglio. WiU regretted exceedingly, 
that the indehcacy of several of these observations compelled their 
total exclusion, as he wishes to give all possible encouragement 
to this popular and amiable exhibition 



216 SALMAGUNDI. 

LETTER FROM MUSTAPHA RUB-A-DUB KELI KHAN, 
TO MULEY HELIM AL RAOGI, SURNAMED THE 
AGREEABLE RAGAMUFFIN, CHIEF MOUNTEBANK 
AND BUFF A-D ANGER TO HIS HIGHNESS. 

The numerous letters which I have written to our friend the 
slave driver, as well as tliose to thy kinsman the snorer, and 
which, doubtless, were read to thee, honest Muley, have, in all 
probability, awakened thy curiosity to know further particulars 
concerning the manners of the barbarians, who hold me in such 
ignominious captivity. I was lately at one of their public cere- 
monies, which, at first, perplexed me exceedingly as to its object ; 
but as the explanations of a friend have let me somewhat into the 
secret, and as it seems to bear no small analogy to thy profession, 
a description of it may contribute to thy amusement, if not to thy 
instruction. 

A few days since, just as I had finished my coffee, and was per- 
fuming my whiskers, preparatory to a morning walk, I was waited 
upon by an inhabitant of this place, a gay young infidel, who has 
of late cultivated my acquaintance. He presented me with a 
square bit of painted pasteboard, which, he informed me, would 
entitle me to admittance to the city assembly. Curious to know 
the meaning of a phrase, which was entirely new to me, I requested 
an explanation ; when my friend informed me, that the assembly 
was a numerous concourse of young people of both sexes, who, on 
certain occasions, gathered together to dance about a large room 
with violent gesticulation, and try to out-dress each other. " In 
short," said he, "if you wish to see the natives in all their glory, 
there's no place like the City Assembly ; so you must go there, and 
sport your whiskers." Though the matter of sporting my whis- 
kers, was considerably above my apprehension, yet I now began, 
as I thought, to understand him. I had heard of the war dances 
of the natives, which are a kind of religious institution, and had 
little doubt but that this must be a solemnity of the kind — upon a 
prodigious great scale. Anxious as I am to contemplate these 
strange people in every situation, I willingly acceded to his pro- 
posal, and, to be the more at ease, I determined to lay aside my 
Turkish dress, and appear in plain garments of the fashion of this 
country ; as is my custom whenever I wish to mingle in a crowd 
without exciting the attention of the gaping multitude. 

It was long after the shades of night had fallen before my friend 
appeared to conduct me to the assembly. "These infidels," 
thought I, "shroud themselves in mystery, and seek the aid of 
gloom and darkness, to heighten the solemnity of their pious 
orgies." Resolving to conduct myself with that decent respect, 
which every stranger owes to the customs of the land in which he 
sojourns, I chastised my features into an expression of sober reve- 
rence, and stretched my face into a degree of longitude suitable to 
the ceremony I was about to witness. Spite of myself, I felt an 



SALMAGUNDI. 21'? 

emotion of awe stealing over my senses as T approached the ma- 
jestic pile. My imagination pictured sometliing similar to a 
descent into the cave of Dom-Daniel, where the necromancers of 
the east are taught then' infernal arts. I entered with the same 
gravity of demeanor that I would have approached the holy tem- 
ple at Mecca, and bowed my head three times as I passed the 
threshold. "Head of the mighty Amrou!" thought I, on being 
ushered into a splendid saloon, " what a display is here ! surely I 
am transported to the mansions of the Houris, the elysium of the 
faithful!" — How tame appeared all the descriptions of enchanted 
palaces in our Arabian poetry 1 — wherever I turned my eyes, the 
quick glances of beauty dazzled my vision and ravished my heart ; 
lovely virgins fluttered by me, darting imperial looks of conquest, 
or beaming such smiles of invitation, as did Gabriel when he beck- 
oned our holy prophet to Heaven. Shall I own the weakness of 
thy friend, good Muley? — while thus gazing on the enchanted 
scene before me, I, for a moment, forgot my country ; and even the 
memory of my three-and-twenty wives faded from my heai't; my 
thoughts were bewildered and led astray by the charms of these 
bewitching savages, and I sunk, for a while, into that delicious 
state of mind, where the senses, all enchanted, and' all striving for 
mastery, produce an endless variety of tumultuous, yet pleasing 
emotions. Oh, Muley, never shall I again wonder that an infidel 
should prove a recreant to the single solitary wife allotted him, 
when, even thy friend, armed with all the precepts of Mahomet, 
can so easily prove faithless to three-and-twenty I 

" Whither have you led me ?" said I, at length, to my compa- 
nion, " and to whom do these beautiful creatures belong ? Certain- 
ly this must be the seraglio of the grand bashaw of the city, and 
a most happy bashaw must he be, to possess treasures which even 
his highness of Tripoli cannot parallel." " Have a care," cried my 
companion, " how you talk alx)ut seraglios, or you'll have all these 
gentle nymphs about your ears ; for seraglio is a word which, 
beyond all others, they abhor; — most of them, "continued he, "have 
no lord and master, but come here to catch one — they're in the 
market, as we term it." "Ah, hah!" said I, exultingly, "then 
you really have a fair, or slave-market, such as we have in the 
east, where the faitliful are provided with the choicest virgins of 

Georgia and Circassia ? ^by our glorious sun of Afric, but I 

should like to select some ten or a dozen wives from so lovely an 
assemblage ! Pray, what would you suppose they might be bought 
for?" 

Before I could receive an answer, my attention was attracted 
by two or three good looking middle sized men, who being 
dressed in black, a color universally worn in this country by the 
muftis and dervises, I immediately concluded to be high-priests, 
and was confirmed in my original opinion that this was a rehgious 
ceremony. These reverend personages are entitled managers, 
and enjoyed unhmited authority in the assembhes, being armed 



218 SALMAGU^'DI. 

witli swords, with which, I am told, they would infalUbly put any 
lady to death, who infringed the laws of the temple. They 
walked round the room with great solemnity, and, with an air of 
profound importance and mystery, put a little piece of folded 
paper in each fair hand, which I concluded were rehgious 
taUsmans. One of them dropped on the floor, whereupon I slily 
put my foot on it, and, watching an opportunity, picked it up 
unobserved, and found it to contain some unintelligible words and 
the mystic number 9. What were its virtues I know not; except 
that I put it in my pocket, and have liitherto been preserved 
from my fit of the lumbago, which I generally have about this 
season of the year, ever since I tumbled into tlie well of Zim-zim 
on my pilgrimage to Mecca. I enclose it to thee in this letter, 
presuming it to be particularly serviceable against the dangers of 
thy profession. 

Shortly after the distribution of these talismans, one of the 
high priests stalked into the middle of the room with great 
majesty, and clapped his hands three times ; a loud explosion of 
music succeeded from a number of black, yellow, and white 
musicians, perched in a kind of cage over the grand entrance. 
The company were thereupon thrown into great confusion and 
apparent consternation. — They hurried to and fro about the room, 
and at length formed themselves into little groups of eight 
persons, half male and half female ; — the music struck into 
something like harmony, and, in a moment, to my utter astonish- 
ment and dismay, they were all seized with what I concluded to 
be a paroxysm of rehgious plirenzy, tossing about their heads in 
a ludicrous style from side to side, and indulging in extravagant 
contortions of figure ; — now throwing their heels into the air, and 
anon whirling round with the velocity of the eastern idolaters, 
who think they pay a grateful homage to the sun by imitating his 
motions. I expected every moment to see them fall down in 
convulsions, foam at the mouth, and shriek with fancied in- 
spiration. As usual the females seemed most fers^ent in their 
religious exercises, and performed them with a melancholy 
expression of feature that was pecuharly touching; but I was 
highly gratified by the exemplary conduct of several male devotees, 
who though their gesticulations would intimate a wild merriment 
of the feelings, maintained throughout as inflexible a gravity of 
countenance as so many monkeys of the island of Borneo at their 
anticks. 

"And pray," said I, "who is the divinity that presides in this 

splendid mosque?" "The divinity! — oh, I understand — you 

mean the belle of the evening ; we have a new one every season : 
the one at present in fashion, is that lady you see yonder, dressed 
in white, with pink ribands, and a crowd of adorers around her." 
"Truly," cried I, " this is the pleasantest deity I have encountered 
in the whole course of my travels ; — so familiar, so condescending, 
and so meny withal ; — why, her ver}'^ worshippers take her by the 



SALMAGUNDI. 219 

hand, and whisper in her ear." " My good Mussulman," 

rephed my friend with great gravity, " I perceive you are com- 
pletely in an error concerning the intent of this ceremony. You 
are now in a place of public amusement, not of public worship ; — 
and the pretty looking young men you see making such violent 
and grotesque distortions, are merely indulging in our favorite 
amusement of dancing." "I cry your mercy," exclaimed I, "these 
then are the dancing men and women of the town, such as we 
have in our principal cities, who hire themselves out for the 
entertainment of the wealthy; — but, pray who pays them for this 

fatiguing exhibition ?" My friend regarded me for a moment 

with an air of whimsical perplexity, as if doubtful whether I was 

in ja«t or earnest. " 'Sblood, man," cried he, " these are some of 

our greatest people, our fashionables, who are merely dancing 
here for amusement." — Dancing for amusement! think of that, 
Muley ! — thou, whose greatest pleasure is to chew opium, smoke 
tobacco, loll on a couch, and doze thyself into the regions of the 

Houris ! Dancing for amusement ! — shall I never cease having 

occasion to laugh at the absurdities of these barbarians, who are 
laborious in their recreations, and indolent only in their hours of 

business? Dancing for amusement! — the very idea makes 

my bones ache, and I never think of it without being obliged 
to apply my handkerchief to my forehead, and fan myself into 
some degree of coolness. 

"And pray," said I, when my astonislmient had a little subsid- 
ed, " do these musicians also toil for amusement, or are they con- 
fined to their cage, like birds, to sing for the gratification of 
others? — F should think the former was the case, from the ani- 
mation with which they flourish their elbows." — "Not so," replied 
my friend, " they are well paid, which is no more than just, for 
I assure you they are the most important personages in the room. 
The fiddler puts the whole assembly in motion, and directs their 
movements, like the master of a puppet-show, who sets all his 

pasteboard gentry kicking by a jerk of his fingers: there now 

— look at that dapper little gentleman yonder, who appears to be 
suffering the pangs of dislocation in every limb : he is the most 
expert puppet in the room, and performs, not so much for his own 
amusement, as for that of the by-standers." Just then, the lit- 
tle gentleman, having finished one of his paroxysms of activity, 
seemed to be looking round for applause from the spectators. 
Feeling myself really much obliged to him for his exertions, I 
made him a low bow of thanks, but nobody followed my example, 
which I thought a singular instance of ingratitude. 

Thou wilt perceive, friend Muley, that the dancing of these 
barbarians is totally different from the science professed by thee 
in Tripoli ; — the country, in fact, is afflicted by numerous epide- 
mical diseases, which travel from house to house, from city to 
city, with the regularity of a caravan. Among these, the most 
formidable is this dancing mania, which prevails chiefly through- 



220 SALMAGUKDI. 

out the winter. It at first seized on a few people of fashion, and 
being indulged in moderation, was a cheerful exercise ; but in a 
little time, by quick advances, it infected all classes of the com- 
munity, and became a raging epidemic. The doctors immediate- 
ly, as is their usual way, instead of devising a remedy, fell toge- 
ther by the ears, to decide whether it was native or imported, and 
the sticklers for the latter opinion traced it to a cargo of trumpery 
from France, as they had before hunted down the yellow-fever to 
a bag of coffee from the West Indies. What makes this disease 
the more formidable is, that the patients seem infatuated with 
their malady, abandon themselves to its unbounded ravages, and 
expose their persons to wintry storms and midnight airs, more 
fatal, in this capricious climate, than the withering Simoom blast 
of the desert. 

I know not whether it is a sight most whimsical or melancholy 
to witness a fit of this dancing malady. The lady hops up to the 
gentleman, who stands at the distance of about three paces, and 
then capers back again to her place ; — the gentleman, of course, 
does the same ; then they skip one way, then they jump another ; 
— then they turn then- backs to each other, — then they seize 
each other and shake hands ; — then they whirl round, and throw 
themselves into a thousand grotesque and ridiculous attitudes ; — 
sometimes on one leg. sometimes on the other, and sometimes on 
no leg at all ; — and this they call exliibiting the graces I By the 
nineteen thousand capers of the great mountebank of Damascus, 
but these graces must be something like the crooked-backed 
dwarf Shabrac, who is sometimes permitted to amuse his highness 
by imitating the tricks of a monkey. These fits continue at short 
intervals from four to five hours, till at last the lady is led off, 
faint, languid, exhausted, and panting, to her carriage ; — rattles 
l^ome ; — passes a night of feverish restlessness, cold perspirations, 
and troubled sleep ; — rises late next morning, if she rises at all, 
is nervous, petulant, or a prey to languid indifterence all day ; — a 
mere household spectre, neither giving nor receiving enjoyment ; 
in the evening hurries to another dance ; — receives an unnatural 
exhilaration from the lights, the music, the crowd, and the un- 
meaning bustle ; — flutters, sparkles, and blooms for a while, until 
the transient delirium being past, the infatuated maid droops and 
languishes into apathy again ; — is again led off to her carriage, 
and the next morning rises to go through exactly the same joyless 
routine. 

And yet, wilt thou believe it, my dear Raggi, these are rational 
beings ; nay, more, their countrymen would fain persuade me 
they have souls ! Is it not a thousand times to be lamented that 
beings, endowed with charms that might warm even the frigid 
heart of a dervise — with social and endearing powers that would 
render them the joy and pride of the haram — should surrender 
themselves to a habit of heartless dissipation, which preys imper- 
ceptibly on the roses of the cheek • which robs the eye of its 



SALMAGUNDI. 221 

lustre, the mouth of its dimpled smile, the spirits of their cheerful 
hilarity, and the limbs of their elastic rigor ; which hurries them 
off ia the spring time of existence ; or, if they survive, yields to 
the arms of a j^outhful bridegroom a frame wrecked in the storms 
of dissipation, and struggling with premature infirmity. Alas, 
Muley ! may I not ascribe to this cause, the number of little old 
women I meet with in this country, from the age of eighteen to 
eight-and-twenty ? 

In sauntering down the room, my attention was attracted by a 
smoky painting, which, on nearer examination, I found consisted 
of two female figures crowning a bust with a wreath of laurel. 
"This, I suppose," cried I, "was some famous dancer in his 
time?" "Oh, no," replied my friend, "he was only a general." 
" Good ; but then he must have been great at a cotillion, or ex- 
pert at a fiddlestick, or why is his memorial here ?" " Quite the 
contrary," answered my companion, " history makes no mention 
of his ever having flourished a fiddlestick, or figured in a single 
dance. You have, no doubt, heard of him ; he was the illustri- 
ous Washington, the father and deliverer of his country ; and as 
our nation is remarkable for gratitude to great men, it always 
does honor to their memory, by placing their monuments over 
the doors of taverns, or in the corners of dancing-rooms." 

From thence my friend and I strolled into a small apartment 
adjoining the grand saloon, where I beheld a number of grave- 
looking persons, with venerable grey heads, but without beards, 
which I thought very unbecoming, seated around a table, study- 
ing hieroglyphics. I approached them with reverence, as so 
many magi, or learned men, endeavoring to expound the myste- 
ries of Egyptian science ; several of them threw down money, 
which I supposed was a reward proposed for some great disco- 
very, when presently one of them spread his hieroglyphics on the 
table, exclaimed triumphantly, "Two bullets and a bragger!" 
and swept all the money into his pocket. He has discovered a 
key to the hieroglyphics, thought I ; happy mortal I no doubt his 
name will be immortalized. Willing, however, to be satisfied, I 
looked round on my companion with an inquiring eye. He un- 
derstood me, and informed me that these were a company of 
friends, who had met together to win each other's money, and be 
agreeable. " Is that all ?" exclaimed I, " why, then, I pray you 
make way, and let me escape from this temple of aljominations, 
or who knows but these people, who meet together to toil, worry, 
and fatigue themselves to death, and give it the name of pleasure 
— and who win each other's money by way of being agreeable — 
may some one of them take a liking to me, and pick my pocket, 
or break my head, in a paroxysm of hearty good- will 1" 

Thy friend, 

MUSTAPHA. 



222 SALMAGUNDI. 



BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

2func est Mbendnm, ntmc pede Kbero 
Fulsanda tellus. hok. 

Now is the tyme for wine and myrthful sportes, 

For daunce, and song, and disportes of sych sortes. link. fid. 

The winter campaign has opened. Fashion has summoned her 
numerous legions at the sound of trumpet, tamborine and drum ; 
and all the harmonious minstrelsy of the orchestra, to hasten from 
the dull, silent, and insipid glades and groves, where they have 
vegetated during the summer; recovering from the ravages of the 
last winter's campaign. Our fair ones have hurried to town, eager 
to pay their devotions to this tutelary deity, and to make an offer- 
ing at her shrine of the few pale and transient roses they gathered 
in their healthful retreat. The fiddler rosins his bow, the card- 
table devotee is shuffling her pack ; the young ladies are indus- 
triously spangling muslins ; and the tea-party heroes are airing their 
chapeaux bras, and pease-blossom breeches, to prepare for figuring 
in the gay circle of smiles, and graces, and beauty. Now the fine 
lady forgets her country friends, in the hurry of fashionable en- 
gagements, or receives the simple intruder, who has foolishly 
accepted her thousand pressing invitations, with such politeness 
that the poor soul determines never to come again ; — now the gay 
buck, who erst figured at Ballston, and quafted the pure spring, 
exchanges the sparkling water for still more sparkling champaign ; 
and deserts the nymph of the fountain, to enlist under the standard 
of jolly Bacchus. In short, now is the important time of the year 
in which to harangue the bon-ton reader ; and, like some ancient 
hero in front of the battle, to spirit him up to deeds of noble daring, 
or still more noble suffering, in the ranks of fashionable warfare. 

Such, indeed, has been my intention ; but the number of cases 
which have lately come before me, and the variety of complaints 
I have received from a crowd of honest, and well-meaning corre- 
spondents, call for more immediate attention. A host of appeals, 
petitions, and letters of advice are now before me ; and I believe 
the shortest way to satisfy my petitioners, memorialists, and ad- 
visers, will be to publish their letters, as I suspect the object of 
most of them is merely to get into print. 

TO ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Sir, 

As you appear to have taken to yourself the trouble of med- 
dling in the concerns of the beau monde, I take the liberty of 
appealing to you on a subject, which, though considered mere- 
ly as a very good joke, has occasioned me great vexation and 



SALMAGUNDL 223 

expense. You must know I pride myself on being very useful to 
the ladies ; that is, I take boxes for them at the theatre, go shop- 
ping with them, supply them with bouquets, and furnish them 
with novels from the circulating library. In consequence of these 
attentions I am become a great favorite, and there is seldom a 
party going on in the city without my having an invitation. The 
grievance I have to mention, is the exchange of hats which takes 
place on these occasions; for, to speak my mind freely, there are 
certain young gentlemen who seem to consider fashionable parties 
as mere places to barter old clothes : and, I am informed, that a 
number of them manage by this great system of exchange, to 
keep their crowns decently covered without their hatter suffering 
in the least by it. 

It was but lately that I went to a private ball with a new hat, 
and on returning in the latter part of the evening, and asking for 
it, the scoundrel of a servant, with a broad grin, informed me, 
that the new hats had been dealt out half an hour since, and they 
were then on the third quality ; and I was in the end obliged to 
borrow a young lady's beaver rather than go home with any of 
the ragged remnants that were left. 

Now I would wish to know if there is no possibility of having 
these offenders punished by law ; and whether it would not be 
advisable for ladies to mention in their cards of invitation, as a 
postscript, "stealing of hats and shawls positively prohibited." 
At any rate, I would thank you, Mr. Evergreen, to discounte- 
nance the thing totally, by publishing in your paper that stealing 
a hat is no joke. Your humble servant, 

"Walter "Withers. 

My correspondent is informed, that the police have determined 
to take this matter into consideration, and have set apart Satur- 
day mornings for the cognizance of fashionable larcenies. 

MR. EVERGREEN, 

Sir, 

Do you think a married woman may lawfully put her husband 
right in a story, before strangers, when she knows him to be in 
the wrong ; and can any thing authorize a wife in the exclama- 
tion of — "lord, my dear, how can you say sol" 

Margaret Timson. 

dear anthony, 

Going down Broadway this morning in a great hurry, I ran 
full against an object which at first put me to a prodigious non 
plus. Observing it to be dressed in a man's hat, a cloth overcoat, 
and spatterdashes, I framed my apology accordingly, exclaiming, 
" my dear sir, I ask ten thousand pardons ; — I assure you, sir, it 
was entirely accidental : — pray excuse me, sir, &c." At every 
one of these excuses, the thing answered me with a downright 



224 SALMAGUNDI. 

laugh : at which I was not a little surprised, until, on resorting to 
my pocket-glass, I discovered that it was no other than my old 
acquaintance, Clarinda Trollop; — I never was more chagrined in 
my life ; for, being an old bachelor, I like to appear as young aa 
possible, and am always boasting of the goodness of my eyes. I 
beg of you, Mr. Evergreen, if you have any feeling for your contem- 
poraries, to discourage this hermaphrodite mode of dress; for 
really, if the fashion take, we poor bachelors will be utterly at a 
loss to distinguish a woman from a man. Pray let me know your 
opinion, sir, whether a lady who wears a man's hat and spatter- 
dashes before marriage, may not be apt to usurp some other article 
of his dress afterw^ards. Your humble servant, 

RODEEIC WORRY. 
DEAR MR. EVERGREEN, 

The other night, at Eichard the Third, I sat behind three gentle- 
men who talked very loud on the subject of Richard's wooing Lady 
Ann directly in the face of his crimes against that lady. One of 
them declared such an unnatural scene would be hooted at in 
China. Pray, sir, was that Mr, Wizard ? 

SELINA BADGER. 

P. S. The gentleman I allude to had a pocket glass, and wore 
his hair fastened behind by a tortoise sheU comb, with two teeth 
wanting. 

MR. EVERGRIN, 

Sir, — Being a little curious in the affairs of the toilette, I was 
much mterested by the sage Mustapha's remarks, in your last num- 
ber, concerning the art of manufacturing a modern fine lady. I 
would have you caution your fair readers, however, to be very 
careful in the management of their machinery ; as a deplorable 
accident happened, last assembly, in consequence of the architec- 
ture of a lady's figure not being sufficiently strong. In the middle 
of one of the cotillions, the company was suddenly alarmed by a 
tremendous crash at the lower end of the room ; and on crowding 
to the place, discovered that it was a fine figure which had un- 
fortunately broken down from too great exertion in a pigeon wing. 
By great good luck I secured the corset, which I carried home in 
triumph ; and the next morning had it publicly dissected, and a 
lecture read on it at Surgeon's Hall. I have since commenced a 
dissertation on the subject ; in which I shall treat of the superiority 
of those figures manufactured by steel, stay-tape, and whale-bone, 
to those formed by dame nature. I shall show clearly that the 
Venus de Medicis has no pretension to beauty of form, as she 
never wore stays, and her waist is in exact proportion to the rest 
of her body. I shall inquire into the mysteries of compression, 
and how tight a figure can be laced without danger of fainting ; 
and whether it would not be adviseable for a lady, when dressing 



SALMAGUNDI. 225 

for a ball, to be attended by the family physician ; as culprits are 
when tortured on the rack, to know how much more nature will 
endure. I shaU prove that ladies have discovered the secret of 
that notorious juggler, who offered to squeeze himself into a quart 
bottle ; and I shall demonstrate, to the satisfaction of every fash- 
ionable reader, that there is a certain degree of heroism in pur- 
chasing a preposterously slender waist at the expense of an old 
age of decrepitude and rheumatics. This dissertation shall be 
published, as soon as finished, and distributed gratis among board- 
ing-school madams, and all worthy matrons who are ambitious 
that their daughters should sit straight, move like clock-work, and 
" do credit to their bringing up." In the mean time, I have hung 
up the skeleton of the corset in the museum beside a dissected 
weazle and a stuffed alligator ; where it may be inspected by all 
those naturalists who are fond of studymg the "human form di- 
vine." Yours, Sec. 

JULIAN COaNOUS. 

p. S. By accurate calculation I find it is dangerous for a fine 
figure, when full dressed, to pronounce a word of more than three 
syllables. Fine Figure, if in love, may indulge in a gentle sigh ; 
but a sob is hazardous. Fine Figure may smile with safety, may 
even venture as far as a giggle ; but must never risk a loud laugh. 
Figure must never play the part of a confidante; as at a tea-party, 
some fine evenings since, a young lady whose unparalleled impal- 
pability of waist was the envy of the drawing-room, burst with an 
important secret, and had three ribs, of her corset 1 fractured on 
the spot. 

MR. EVERGEEEN, 

Sir, — I am one of those industrious gemmen who labor hard to 
obtain currency in the fashionable world. I have went to great 
expense in httle boots, short vests, and long breeches; — my coat 
is regularly imported, per stage, from Philadelphia, duly insured 
against all risks, and my boots are smuggled from Bond-street. I 
have lounged in Broadway with one of the most crooked walking 
sticks I could procure, and have sported a pair of salmon-colored 
small clothes, and flame-colored stockings, at every concert and 
ball to which I could purchase admission. Being afieared that I 
might possibly appear to less advantage as a pedestrian, in conse- 
quence of my being rather short and a little bandy, I have lately 
hired a tall horse with cropped ears and a cocked tail, on which I 
have joined the cavalcade of pretty gemmen, who exhibit bright 
stirrups every fine morning in Broadway, and take a canter of two 
miles per day, at the rate of 300 dollars per annum. But, su-, all 
this expense has been laid out in vain, for I can scarcely get a 
partner at an assembly, or an invitation to a tea-party. Pray, sir,, 
inform me what more I can do to acquu'e admission into the true 
styUsh cu-cles, and whether it would not be adviseable to charter 

15 



226 SALMAGUNDI, 

a curricle for a month and have my cypher put on it, as is done 
by certain dashers of my acquaintance. 

Yours to serve, 

MALVOLIO DUBSTER. 



TEA, 

A POEM. 
FROM THE MILL OF PINDAR COCKLOFT, ESQ. 

And earnestly recommended to the attention of all Maidens of a 

cefrtain age. 

Old time, my dear girls, is a knave who in truth 
From the fairest of beauties will pilfer their youth ; 
Who, by constant attention and wily deceit. 
For ever is coaxing some grace to retreat ; 
And, like crafty seducer, with subtle approach, 
The further indulged, will still further encroach. 
Since this " thief of the world " has made off with your bloom, 
And left you some score of stale years in its room — 
Has depriv'd you of all those gay dreams, that would dance 
In your brains at fifteen, and your bosoms entrance ; 
And has forc'd you almost to renounce, in despair, 
The hope of a husband's affection and care — 
Since such is the case, and a case rather hard ! 
Permit one who holds you in special regard, 
To furnish such hints in your loveless estate 
As may shelter your names from distraction and" hate. 
Too often our maidens grow aged, I ween, 
Indulge to excess in the workings of spleen ; 
And at times, when annoy'd by the slights of mankind, 
Work off their resentment — b}^ speaking their mind : 
Assemble together in snufl-taking clan, 
And hold round the tea-urn a solemn clivan. 
A convention of tattling — a tea-party liight, 
Which, like meeting of witches, is brew'd up at night 
Where each matron arrives, fraught with tales of surprise, 
With knowing suspicion and doubtful surmise ; 
Like the broomstick whirl'd hags that appear in Macbeth, 
Each bearing some relic of venom or death, 
"To stir up the toil and to double the trouble, 
That fire may burn, and that cauldron may bubble." 



SALMAGUNDI. 227 

When the party commences, all starch'd and all glum, 
They lalk of the weather, their corns, or sit mum : 
They will tell you of cambric, of ribands, of lace, 
How cheap they were sold — and will name you the place. 
They discourse of their colds, and they hem and they cough, 
And complain of their servants to pass the time off; 
Or list to the tale of some doating mamma 
How her ten weeks old baby will laugh and say taa 1 

But tea, that enlivener of wit and of soul — 
More loquacious by far than the draughts of the bowl, 
Soon unloosens the tongue and enlivens the mind, 
And enlightens their eyes to the faults of mankind. 

'Twas thus with the Pythia, who served at the fount 
Til at flow'd near the far-famed Parnassian mount, 
AVhile the steam was inhal'd of the sulphuric spring, 
Her vision expanded, her fancy took wing : — 
By its aid she pronounced the oracular will 
That Apollo commanded his sons to fulfil. 
But alas I the sad vestal, performing the rite, 
Appeared like a demon — terrific to sight. 

E'en the priests of ApoUo averted their eyes, 
And the temple of Delphi resounded her cries. 
But quitting the nymph of the tripod of yore, 
AVe return to the dames of the tea-pot once more. 

In harmless chit-chat an acquaintance they roast. 
And serve up a friend, as they serve up a toast ; 
Some gentle faux pas, or some female mistake. 
Is like sweetmeats delicious, or relished as cake ; 
A bit of broad scandal is like a dry crust. 
It would stick in the throat, so they butter it first^ 
With a little affected good-nature, and cry 
" No body regrets the thing deeper than I." 
Our young ladies nibble a good name in play 
As for pastime they nibble a biscuit away : 
While with shrugs and surmises, the tootliless old dame 
As she mumbles a crust she will mumble a name. 
And as the fell sisters astonished the Scot, 
In predicting of Banquo's descendants the lot. 
Making shadows of kings, amid flashes of light^ 
To appear in array and to frown in his sight, 
So they conjure up spectres all hideous in hue, 
Which, as shades of their neighbors, are passed in review. 

The wives of our cits of inferior degree, 
Will soak up repute in a little bohea ; 
The potion is vulgar, and vulgar the slang 
With which on their neighbors' defects they harangue ; 
But the scandal improves, a refinement in wrong I 
As our matrons are richer and rise to souchong. 
With hyson — a beverage that's still more refin'd, 



228 SALMAGUNDI. 

Our ladies of fasliion enliven their mind, 
And by nods, inuendoes, and hints, and what not, 
Reputations and tea send together to pot, 
While madam in cambrics and laces array'd, 
With her plate and her liveries in splendid parade, 
Will drink in imperial a friend at a sup, 
Or in gunpowder blow them by dozens all up. 
Ah me ! how I groan when with full swelling sail 
Wafted stately along by the favoring gale, 
A China ship proudly arrives in our bay, 
Displaying her streamers and blazing away. 
Oh ! more fell to our port, is the cargo she bears, 
Than grenadoes, torpedoes, or warlike affairs : 
Each chest is a bombshell thrown into our town 
To shatter repute and bring character down. 

Ye Samquas, ye Chinquas, Chouquas, so free, 
Who discharge on our coast your cursed quantums of tea, 
Oh think, as ye waft the sad weed from your strand, 
Of the plagues and vexations ye deal to our land. 
As the Upas' dread breath, o'er the plain where it flies. 
Empoisons and blasts each green blade that may rise, 
So, wherever the leaves of your shrubs find their way, 
The social affections soon suffer decay : 
Like to Java's drear waste they embarren the heart. 
Till the blossoms of love and of friendship depart. 

Ah, ladies, and was it by heaven design'd, 
That ye should be merciful, loving and kind ! 
Did it form you like angels, and send you below 
To prophesy peace — to bid charity flow ! 
And have ye thus left your primeval estate. 
And wandered so widely — so strangely of late ? 
Alas I the sad cause I too plainly can see — 
These evils have all come upon you through tea I 
Cursed weed, that can make our fair spirits resigu 
The character mild of their mission divine ; 
That can blot from their bosoms that tenderness true, 
Which from female to female for ever is due I 
Oh, how nice is the texture — how fragile the frame 
Of that delicate blossom, a female's fair fame ! 
'Tis the sensitive plant, it recoils from the breath 
And shrinks from the touch as if pregnant with death. 
How often, how often, has innocence sigh'd ; 
Has beauty been reft of its honor— its pride ; 
Has virtue, though pure as an angel of light, 
Been painted as dark as a demon of night : 
All offer'd up victims, an auto defe^ 
At the gloomy cabals — the dark orgies of tea I 

If I, in the remnant that's left me of life. 
Am to suffer the torments of slanderous strife, 



SALMAGUNDI, 229 



Let me fall, I implore, in the slang-whanger's claw, 
Where the evil is open, and subject to law. 
Not nibbled, and m'umbled, and put to the rack, 
By the sly underminings of tea party clack : 
Condemn me, ye gods, to a newspaper roasting, 
But spare me I oh, spare me, a tea table toasting 1 



230 SALMAaUNDT. 



NO. XX.— MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 1808. 

FROM MY ELBOW-CHAIR. 

Extreviium liunc mihi concede labore/m. Vieg. 

" Soft you, a word or two before we part." 

In this season of festivity, when the gate of time swings open 
on its hinges, and an honest rosy-faced New-Tear comes waddling 
in, like a jolly fat-sided alderman, loaded with good wishes, good 
humor, and minced pies ; — at this joyous era it has been the 
custom, from time immemorial, in this ancient and respectable city, 
for periodical writers, from reverend, grave, and potent essayists 
like ourselves ! down to the humble but industrious editors of 
magazines, reviews, and newspapers, to tender their subscribei's 
the comphments of the season; and when they have slily thawed 
their hearts with a httle of the sunshine of flattery, to conclude 
by delicately dunning them for their arrears of subscription 
money. In like manner the carriers of newspapers, who un- 
doubtedly belong to the ancient and honorable order of literati, 
do regularly at the commencement of the year, salute their 
patrons with abundance of excellent advice, conveyed in exceed- 
ing good poetry, for which the aforesaid good-natured patrons are 
well pleased to pay them exactly twenty-five cents. In walking 
the streets I am every day saluted with good wishes from old 
gray-headed negroes, whom I never recollect to have seen before; 
and it was but a few days ago, that I was called to receive the 
compliments of an ugly old woman, who last spring was employed 
by Mrs. Cockloft to whitewash my room and put things in order ; 
a phrase which, if rightly understood, means little else than hud- 
dling every thing into holes and corners, so that if I want to find 
any particular article, it is, in the language of an humble but ex- 
pressive saying, — "looking for a needle in, a haystack." Not 
recognizing my visitor, I demanded by what authority she wished 
me a " Happy New Year I" Her claim was one of the weakest 
she could have urged, for I have an innate and mortal antipathy 
to this custom of putting things to rights ; — so giving the old 
witch a pistareen, I desired her forthwith to mount her broom- 
stick, and ride off as fast as possible. 

Of all the various ranks of society, the bakers alone, to their 
immortal honor be it recorded, depart from this practice of making 



SALMAGUNDI. 231 

a market of congratulations ; and, in addition to always allowing 
thirteen to the dozen, do with great liberality, instead of drawing 
on the purses of their customers at the New Year, present them 
with divers large, fair, spiced cakes ; which, like the shield of 
Achilles, or an Egyptian obelisk, are adorned with figures of a 
variety of strange animals, that, in their conformation, out-marvel 
all the wild wonders of nature. 

This honest gray-beard custom of setting apart a certain por- 
tion of this good-for-nothing existence for the purposes of cordi- 
ality, social merriment, and good cheer, is one of the inestimable 
relics handed down to us from our worthy Dutch ancestors. In 
perusing one of the manuscripts from my worthy grandfather's 
mahogany chest of drawers, I find the new year was celebrated 
with great festivity during that golden age of our city, when the 
reins of government were held by the renowned Rip Van Dam, 
who always did honor to the season by seeing out tlio old year; 
a ceremony which consisted in plying his guests with bumpers, 
until not one of them was capable of seeing. " Truly," observes 
my grandfather, who was generally of these parties — "Truly, ho 
was a most stately and magnificent burgomaster I inasmuch, as 
he did right lustily carouse it with his friends about new-year ; 
roasting huge quantities of turkeys : baking innumerable minced 
pyes ; and smacking the lips of all fair ladies the which he did 
meet, with such sturdy emphasis that the same might have been 
heard the distance of a stone's throw." In his days, according to 
ray grandfatl'icr, first wero invented these notable cakes, hight new- 
year-cookies, which originally were impressed on one side with the 
honest burly countenance of the illustrious Rip : and on the other 
with that of the noted St. Nicholas, vulgarly called Santaclaus ; 
— of all the saints in the kalendar the most venerated by true 
Hollanders, and their unsophisticated descendants. These cakes 
are to this time given on the first of January to all visitors, to- 
gether with a glass of cherry-bounce, or raspberry-brandy. It is 
with great regret, however, I observe that the simplicity of this 
venerable usage has been much violated by modern pretenders to 
style ! and our respectable new-year-cookies, and cherry-bounce, 
elbowed aside by plum-cake and outlandish liqueurs, in the same 
way that our worthy old Dutch families are out-dazzled by modern 
upstarts, and mushroom cockneys. 

In addition to this divine origin of new-year festivity, there is 
som.ething exquisitely grateful, to a good-natured mind, in seeing 
every face dressed in smiles ; — in hearing the oft-repeated saluta- 
tions that flow spontaneously from the heart to the lips ; — in bo- 
holding the poor, for once, enjoying the smiles of plenty, and for- 
getting the cares which press hard upon them, in the jovial 
revelry of the feelings ; — the 3"oung children decked out in their 
Sunday clothes, and freed from their only cares, the cares of the 
school, tripping through the streets on errands of pleasure ; and 
oven the very negroes, those holiday-loving rog-ues. gorgeously 



232 SALMAGUNDI. 

arrayed in cast-oft" finery, collected in juntos, at corners, display- 
ing their white teeth, and making the welkin ring with bursts of 
laughter, loud enough to crack even the icy cheek of old winter. 
There is something so pleasant in all this, that I confess it would 
give me real pain, to behold the frigid influence of modern style 
cheating us of this jubilee of the heart ; and converting it, as it 
does every other article of social intercourse, into an idle and 
unmeaning ceremony. 'Tis the annual festival of good-humor ; 
it comes in the dead of winter, when nature is without a charm, 
when our pleasures are contracted to the fireside, and where 
everything that unlocks the icy fetters of the heart, and sets the 
genial current flowing, should be cherished, as a stray lamb found 
in the wilderness ; or a flower blooming among thorns and briars. 
Animated by these sentiments, it is with peculiar satisfaction 
I perceived that the last new-year was kept with more than ordi- 
nary enthusiasm. It seemed as if the good old times had rolled 
back again, and brought with them all the honest, unceremonious 
intercourse of those golden daj-s, when people were more open 
and sincere, more moral and more hospitable than now ; — when 
every object carried about it a charm which the hand of time has 
stolen away, or turned to a deformity ; when the women were 
more simple, more domestic, more lovely, and more true ; and 
when even the sun, like a hearty old blade as he is, shone with a 
genial lustre unknown in these degenerate days : — in short, those 
fairy times when I was a madcap boy, crowding every enjoyment 
into the present moment ; — making of the past an oblivion ; of 
the future a heaven; and careless of all that was " Over the hills 
and far away." Only one thing was wanting to make every part 
of the celebration accord with its ancient simplicity. The ladies, 
who, I write it with the most piercing regret, are generally at the 
head of all domestic innovations, most fastidiously refused that 
mark of good will, that chaste and holy salute which was so 
fashionable in the happy days of Governor Rip and the patriarchs. 
Even the Miss Cocklofts, who belong to a family that is the last 
entrenchment behind which the manners of the good old school 
have retired, made violent opposition ; and whenever a gentle- 
man entered the room, immediately put themselves in a posture 
of defence. This, Will "Wizard, with his usual shrewdness, insists 
was only to give the visitor a hint that they expected an attack ; 
and declares he has uniformly observed, that the resistance of 
those ladies, who make the greatest noise and bustle, is most 
easily overcome. This sad innovation originated with my good 
aunt Charity, who was as arrant a tabby as ever wore whiskers; 
and I am not a little afflicted to find that she has found so many 
followers, even among the young and beautiful. 

In compliance with an ancient and venerable custom, sanc- 
tioned by time and our ancestors, and more especially by my own 
inclinations, I will take this opportunity to salute my readers 
with as many good wishes as I can possibly spare ; for, in truth, 



SALMAGUNDI. 233 

I have been so prodigal of late, that I have but few remaining. I 
should have offered my congratulations sooner ; but, to be candid, 
having made the last new-year's campaign, according to custom, 
under cousin Christopher, in which I have seen some pretty hard 
service, my head has been somewhat out of order of late, and 
my inteUects rather cloudy for clear writing. Besides, I may 
allege as another reason, that I have deferred my greetings until 
this day, which is exactly one year since we introduced ourselves 
to the pubhc ; and surely periodical writers have the same right 
of dating from the commencement of their works, that monarchs 
have from the time of their coronation, or our most puissant 
republic, from the declaration of its independence. 

These good wishes are warmed into more than usual benevo- 
lence by the thought that I am now, perhaps, addressing my 
old fi'iends for the last time. That we should thus cut off our 
work in the very vigor of its existence, may excite some little 
matter of wonder in this enlightened community. Now, though 
we could give a variety of good reasons for so doing, yet it would 
be an ill-natured act to deprive the public of such an admirable 
opportunity to indulge in then* favorite amusement of conjecture ; so 
we generously leave them to flounder in the smooth ocean of glo- 
rious uncertainty. Besides, we have ever considered it as beneath 
persons of our dignity to account for our movements or caprices ; — 
thank heaven we are not like the unhappy rulers of this enlight- 
ened land, accountable to the mob for our actions, or dependent 
on their smiles for support I — this much, however, we will say, it 
is not for want of subjects that we stop our career. We are not 
in the situation of poor Alexander the Great, who wept, as weU 
indeed he might, because there were no more worlds to conquer ; 
for, to do justice to this queer, odd, rantipole city, and this whim- 
sical country, there is matter enough in them to keep our risible 
muscles and our pens going till doomsday. 

Most people, ia taking a farewell which may, perhaps, be for 
ever, are anxious to part on good terms ; and it is usual, on such 
melancholy occasions, for even enemies to shake hands, forget 
their previous quarrels, and bury all former animosities in parting 
regrets. Now, because most people do this, I am determined to 
act in quite a different way ; for, as I have lived, so I should wish 
to die, in my own way, without imitating any person, whatever 
may be his rank, talents, or reputation. Besides, if I know our 
trio, we have no enmities to obliterate, no hatchet to bury, and as 
to all injuries — those we have long since forgiven. At this mo- 
ment there is not an individual in the world, not even the Pope 
himself, to whom we have any personal hostUity. But if, shut- 
ting their eyes to the many striking proofs of good nature display- 
ed through the whole course of this work, there should be any 
persons so singularly ridiculous as to take offence at our stric- 
tures, we heartily forgive their stupidity; earnestly entreating 
them to desist from all manifestations of ill-humor, lest they 



234 SALMAGUNDI. 

should, peradventure, be classed under some one of the denomi- 
nations of recreants, we have felt it our duty to hold up to pub- 
lic ridicule. Even at this moment, we feel a glow of parting 
philanthropy stealing upon us; — a sentiment of cordial good will 
towards the numerous host of readers that have jogged on at our 
heels during the last year ; and in justice to ourselves must seri- 
ously protest, that if at any time we have treated them a little 
ungently, it was pui'ely in that spirit of hearty affection, with 
which a schoolmaster drubs an unlucky urchin, or a humane 
muleteer his recreant animal, at the very moment when his heart 
is brimful of loving kindness. If this is not considered an ample 
justification, so much the worse; for in that case I fear we shall 
remain for ever unjustified; — a most desperate extremity, and 
worthy of every man's commiseration ! 

One circumstance, in particular, has tickled us mightily as we 
jogged along ; and that is, the astonishing secrecy with which we 
have been able to carry on our lucubrations! fully aware of the 
profound sagacity of the public of Gotham, and their wonderful 
faculty of distinguishing a writer by his style, it is with great 
self-congratulation we find that suspicion has never pointed to us 
as the authors of Salmagundi. Our gray-beard speculations have 
been most bountifully attributed to sundry smart young gentle- 
men, who, for aught we know, have no beards at all ; and we 
have often been highly amused, when they were charged with the 
sin of writing what their harmless minds never conceived; to see 
them affect all the blushing modesty and beautiful embarrassment 
of detected virgin authors. The profound and penetrating public, 
having so long been led away from truth and nature by a con- 
stant perusal of those delectable histories, and romances, from 
beyond seas, in which human nature is, for the most part, wick- 
edly mangled and debauched, have never once imagined this 
work was a genuine and most authentic history ; that the Cock- 
lofts were a real family, dwelhng in the city; — paying scot and 
lot, entitled to the right of suffrage, and holding several respecta- 
ble offices in the corporation. As little do they suspect that 
there is a knot of merry old bachelors seated snugly in the old-fa- 
shioned parlor of an old-fashioned Dutch house, with a weather- 
cock on the top that came from Holland ; who amuse themselves 
of an evening by laughing at their neighbors, in an honest way, 
and who manage to jog on through the streets of our ancient and 
venerable city, without elbowing or being elbowed by a living 
soul. 

When we first adopted the idea of discontinuing this work, we 
determined, in order to give the critics a fair opportunity for dis- 
section, to declare ourselves, one and all, absolutely defunct ; for, 
it is one of the rare and invaluable privileges of a periodical wri- 
ter, that by an act of innocent suicide he may lawfully consign 
himself to the grave, and cheat the world of posthumous renown. 
But we abandoned this scheme for manv substantial reasons. In 



SALMAGUXDL 235 

the first place, we care but little for the opinion of critics, who 
we consider a kind of freebooters in the republic of letters ; who, 
like deer, goats, and divers other graminivorous animals, gain 
subsistence by gorging upon the buds and leaves of the young 
shrubs of the forest, thereby robbing them of their verdure, and 
retarding their progress to maturity. It also occurred to us, that 
though an author might lawfully, in all countries, kill himself 
outright ; yet this privilege did not extend to the raising himself 
from the dead, if he was ever so anxious ; and all that is left him 
in such a case, is to take the benefit of the metempsychosis act, 
and revive under a new name and form. 

Far be it, therefore, from us to condemn ourselves to useless 
embarrassments, should we ever be disposed to resume the guar- 
dianship of this learned city of Gotham, and finish this invaluable 
work, which is yet but half completed. We hereby openly and 
seriously declare, that we are not dead, but intend, if it pleases 
Providence, to live for many years to come ; — to enjoy fife with 
the genuine relish of honest souls ; careless of riches, honors, and 
every thing but a good name, among good fellows ; and with the 
full expectation of* shuffling off the remnant of existence, after the 
excellent fashion of that merry Grrecian, who died laughing. 



TO THE LADIES. 

BY ANTHONY EVERGREEN, GENT. 

Next to our being a knot of independent old bachelors, there 
is nothing on which we pride ourselves more highly than upon 
possessing that true chivalric sph-it of gallantry, which distin- 
guished the days of king Arthur, and his valiant knights of the 
Round-table. We cannot, therefore, leave the lists where we have 
so long been tilting at folly, without giving a farewell salutation 
to those noble dames and beauteous damsels who have honored 
us with their presence at the tourney. Like true knights, the 
only recompense we crave is the smile of beauty, and the appro- j 
bation of those gentle fair ones, whose smile and whose approba- ' 
tion far excels aU the trophies of honor, and all the rewards of 
successful ambition. True it is, that we have suffered infinite 
perils, in standing forth as their champions, from the sly attacks 
of sundry arch caitiffs, who, in the overflowings of their malignity, 
have even accused us of entering the lists as defenders of the very 
foibles and faults of the sex. — Would that we could meet with 
these recreants hand to hand ; — they should receive no more quar- 
ter than giants and enchanters in romance. 



236 SALMAGUNDI. 

Had we a spark of vanity in our natures, here is a glorious 
occasion to show our skill in refuting these illiberal insinuations ; 
— but there is something manly, and ingenuous, in making an 
honest confession of one's offences when about retiring from the 
world ; — and so, without any more ado, we doff our helmets and 
thus pubhcly plead guilty to the deadly sin of good nature ; 
hoping and expecting forgiveness from our good natured readers, 
— yet careless whether they bestow it or not. And in this we do 
hut imitate sundry condemned criminals ; who, finding themselves 
convicted of a capital crime, with great openness and candor, do 
generally in their last dying speech make a confession of aU their 
previous offences, which confession is always read with great 
dehght by all true lovers of biography. 

Still, however, notwithstanding our notorious devotion to the 
gentle sex and our indulgent partiaUty, we have endeavored, on 
divers occasions, with all the polite and becoming dehcacy of true 
respect, to reclaim them from many of those delusive follies and 
unseemly peccadilloes in which they are unhappily too prone to 
indulge. We have warned them against the sad consequences of 
encountering our midnight damps and withering wintry blasts ; 
— we have endeavored, with pious hands, to snatch them from 
the wildering mazes of the waltz, and thus rescuing them from 
the arms of strangers, to restore them to the bosoms of their 
friends ; to preserve them from the nakedness, the famine, the 
cobweb muslins, the vinegar cruet, the corset, the stay -tape, the 
buckram, and all the other miseries and racks of a fine figure. 
But, above all, we have endeavored to lure them from the mazes 
of a dissipated world, where they wander about, careless of their 
value, until they lose their original worth ; — and to restore them 
before it is too late, to the sacred asylum of home, the soil most 
congenial to the opening blossom of female loveliness ; where it 
blooms and expands in safety, in the fostering sunshine of mater- 
nal affection, and where ite heavenly sweets are best known and 
appreciated. 

Modern philosophers may determine the proper destination of 
the sex ; — they may assign to them an extensive and brilliant 
orbit, in which to revolve, to the dehght of the million and the 
confusion of man's superior intellect ; but when on this subject 
we disclaim philosophy, and appeal to the higher tribunal of the 
heart ; — and what heart that had not lost its better feelings, would 
ever seek to repose its happiness on the bosom of one, whose 
pleasures all lay without the threshold of home ; — who snatched 
enjoyment only in the whirlpool of dissipation, and amid the 
thoughtless and evanescent gayety of a baU-room. The fair one 
who is for ever in the career of amusement, may for a while daz- 
zle, astonish, and entertain ; but we are content with coldly ad- 
miring ; and fondly turn from glitter and noise, to seek the happy 
fire-side of social life, there to confide our dearest and best affec- 
tions. 



SALMAGUNDI. 23 "7 

Yet some there are, and we delight to mention them, who min- 
gle freely with the world, unsullied by its contaminations ; whose 
brilliant minds, Hke the stars of the firmament, are destmed to 
shed theu' hght abroad and gladden every beholder with their 
radiance ; — to withhold them fi'om the world, would be doing it 
injustice ; — they are inestimable gems, which were never formed 
to be shut up in caskets ; but to be the pride and ornament of ele- 
gant society. 

"We have endeavored always to discriminate between a female 
of tills superior order, and the thoughtless votary of pleasure ; who, 
destitute of intellectual resources, is servilely dependant on others 
for every little pittance of enjoyment ; who exliibits herself inces- 
santly amid the noise, the giddy frolic, and capricious variety of 
fashionable assemblages ; dissipating her languid affections on a 
crowd ; lavishing her ready smiles with indiscriminate prodigality 
on the worthy, or the undeserving ; and listening with equal va- 
cancy of mind, to the conversation of the enlightened, the frivolity 
of the coxcomb, and the flourish of the fiddle-stick. 

There is a certain artificial pohsh, — a common-place vivacity 
acquired by perpetually mingling in the beau monde ; which, in 
the commerce of the world, supplies the place of natural suavity 
of good humor : but is purchased at the expense of all original 
and sterhng traits of character. By a kind of fashionable disci- 
pline, the eye is taught to brighten, the hp to smile, and the whole 
countenance to emanate with the semblance of friendty welcome, 
while the bosom is unwarmed by a single spark of genuine kind- 
ness, or good will. This elegant simulation may be admired by 
the connoisseur of human character, as a perfection of art ; but the 
heart is not to be deceived by the superficial illusion; it turns 
with dehght to the timid retiring fair one, whose smile is the smile 
of nature ; whose blush is the soft suffusion of delicate sensibility; 
and wliose affections, unblighted by the chilling effects of dissipa- 
tion, glow with all the tenderness and purity of artless youth. 
Her's is a singleness of mind, a native innocence of manners, and 
a sweet timidity, that steal insensibly upon the heart, and lead it 
a willing captive ; — though venturing occasionally among the fairy 
haunts of pleasure, she shrinks from the broad glare of notoriety, 
and seems to seek refuge among her friends, even from the admi- 
ration of the world. 

These observations bring to mind a little allegory in one of the 
manuscripts of the sage Mustapha, which, being in some measure 
applicable to the subject of this essay, we transcribe for the benefit 
of our fair readers. 

Among the numerous race of the Bedouins, who peoi^le the vast 
tracts of Arabia Deserta, is a small tribe, remarkable for their 
habits of solitude and love of independence. They are of a ram- 
bling disposition, roving from waste to waste, slaking their thirst 
at such scanty pools as are found in those cheerless plains, and 
glory in the unenvied liberty they enjoy. A youthful Arab of 



238 SALMAGUNDI. 

this tribe, a simple son of nature, at length growing weary of his 
precarious and unsettled mode of life, determined to set out in 
search of some permanent abode, "I will seek," said he, "some 
happy region, some generous clime, where the dews of heaven 
diftuse fertility ; — I will find out some unfailing stream ; and, for- 
saking the joyless life of my forefathers, settle on its borders, 
dispose my mind to gentle pleasures and tranquil enjojonents, and 
never wander more." 

Enchanted with this picture of pastoral felicity, he departed 
from the tents of his companions; and having journeyed during 
five days, on the sixth, as the sun was just rising in all the splen- 
dors of the east, he lifted up his eyes and beheld extended before 
him, in smihng luxuriance, the fertile regions of Arabia the Happy. 
Gently swelling hiUs, tufted with blooming groves, swept down 
into luxiu"iant vales, enamelled with flowers of never withering 
beauty. The sun, no longer darting his rays with torrid fervor, 
beamed with a genial warmth that gladdened and enriched the 
landscape. A pure and temperate serenity, an air of voluptuous 
repose, a smile of contented abundance, pervaded the face of 
nature ; and every zephyr breathed a thousand delicious odors. 
The soul of the youthful wanderer expanded with dehght ; — he 
raised his eyes to heaven, and almost mingled with his tribute of 
gratitude, a sigh of regret that he had lingered so long amid the 
sterile solitudes of the desert. 

"With fond impatience he hastened to make choice of a stream 
where he might fix his habitation, and taste the promised sweets 
of this land of delight. But here commenced an unforeseen per- 
plexity ; for, though he beheld innumerable streams on every side, 
yet not one could he find which completely answered his high 
raised expectations. One abounded with wild and picturesque 
beauty, but it was capricious and unsteady in its course ; some- 
times dashing its angry billows against the rocks, and often raging 
and overflowing its banks. Another flowed smoothly along, with- 
out even a ripple or a murmur ; but its bottom was soft and muddy, 
and its current dull and sluggish. A third was pure and transpa- 
rent, but its waters were of a chilhng coldness, and it had rocks 
and flints in its bosom. A fourth was dulcet in its tinkliugs, and 
graceful in its meanderings ; but it had a cloying sweetness that 
palled upon the taste ; wliile a fifth possessed a sparkling vivacity, 
and a pungency of flavor, that deterred the wanderer from repeat- 
ing his draught. 

The youthful Bedouin began to weary with fruitless trials and 
repeated disappointments, when his attention was suddenly 
attracted by a lively brook whose dancing waves glittered in the 
sunbeams, and whose prattling current communicated an air of 
bewitching gayety to the surrounding landscape. The heart of the 
wayworn traveller beat with expectation; but on regarding it 
attentively in its course, he found that it constantly avoided the 
embowering shade ; loitering with equal fondness, whether ghding 



SALMAGUNDI. 239 

through the rich valley, or over the barren sand ; — that the fra- 
grant flower, the fruitful shrub, and the worthless bramble were 
alike fostered by its waves, and that its current was often inter- 
rupted by unprofitable weeds. With idle ambition it expanded 
itself beyond its proper bounds, and spread into a shallow waste 
of water, destitute of beauty or utility, and babbling along with 
uninteresting vivacity and vapid turbulence. 

The wandering son of the desert turned away with a sigh of 
regret, and pitied a stream which, if content witliin its natural 
limits, might have been the pride of the valley, and the object of 
all his wishes. Pensive, musing, and disappointed, he slowly pur- 
sued liis now almost hopeless pilgrimage, and had rambled for 
some time along the margin of a gentle rivulet, before he became 
sensible of its beauties. It was a simple pastoral stream, which, 
shunning the noonday glare, pursued its unobtrusive course 
through retired and tranquil vales ; — now dimpling among flowery 
l)anks and tufted shrubbery ; now winding among spicy groves, 
whose aromatic foliage fondly bent down to meet the limpid wave. 
Sometimes, but not often, it would venture from its covert to stray 
through a flowery meadow; but quickly, as if fearful of being 
seen, stole back again into its more congenial shade, and there 
lingered with sweet delay. "Wherever it bent its course, the face 
of nature brightened into smiles, and a perennial spring reigned 
upon its borders. The warblers of the woodland delighted to quit 
their recesses and carol among its bowers ; while the turtle-dove 
the timid fawn, the soft-eyed gazelle, and all the rural populace, 
who joy in the sequestered haunts of nature, resorted to its vicinity. 
Its pure transparent waters rolled over snow-white sands, and 
heaven itself was reflected in its tranquil bosom. 

The simple Arab threw himself upon its verdant margin ; — he 
tasted the silver tide, and it was like nectar to his lips; — he 
])ounded with transport, for he had found the object of his way- 
faring. " Here," cried he, " will I pitch my tent : — here will I 
pass my days ; for pure, oh fair stream, is thy gentle current ; 
beauteous are thy borders ; and the grove must be a paradise 
that is refreshed by thy meanderingsl" 



Pdndomt opera interrti^pta. Vebo. 

The work's all aback. Lini:. Fid. 

" How hard it is," exclaims the divine Con-futse, better known 
among the illiterate by the name of Confucius, *' for a man to bite 
off his own nose I" At this moment T, William Wizard, esq., feel 



240 SALMAGUNDI. 

the full force of this remark, and cannot but give vent to my tri- 
bulation at being obMged, through tlie whim of friend Langstaflf, to 
stop short in my literary career, when at the very point of asto- 
nishing my country, and reaping the brightest laurels of literature. 
"We daily hear of shipwrecks, of failures and bankruptcies ; they 
are trifling mishaps which, from their frequency, excite but little 
astonishment or sympathy ; but it is not often that we hear of a 
man's letting immortality slip through his fingers ; and when he 
does meet with such a misfortune, who would deny him the com- 
fort of bewailing his calamity ? 

Next to embargo, laid upon our commerce, the greatest public 
annoyance is the embargo laid upon our work ; in consequence of 
which, the produce of my wits, like that of my country, must re- 
main at home ; and my ideas, like so many merchantmen in port, 
or redoubtable frigates in the Potomac, moulder away in the mud 
of my own brain. I know of few things in this world more anno}"- 
ing than to be interrupted in the middle of a favorite story, at the 
most interesting part, where one expects to shine ; or to have a 
conversation broken off just when you are about coming out, with 
a score of excellent jokes, not one of which but was good enough 
to make every fine figure in corsets literally split her sides with 
laughter. In some such predicament am I placed at present ; and 
I do protest to you, my good-looking and well beloved readers, 
by the chop-sticks of the immortal Josh, I was on the very brink 
of treating you with a full broadside of the most ingenious and 
instructive essays that your precious noddles were ever bothered 
with. 

In the first place, I had, with infinite labor and pains, and by 
consulting the divine Plato, Sanconiathon, Apollonius Rhodius, 
Sir John llarrington, Noah "Webster, Linkum Pidelius, and others, 
fully refuted all those wild theories respecting the first settlement 
of our venerable country ; and proved, beyond contradiction, that 
America, so far from being, as the writers of upstart Europe de- 
nominate it, the new worlcl,^ is at least as old as any country in 
existence, not excepting Egypt, China, or even the land of the 
Assiniboins ; which, according to the traditions of that ancient 
people, has already assisted at the funerals of thirteen suns, and 
four hundred and seventy thousand moons I 

I had likewise written a long dissertation on certain hiero- 
glyphics discovered on those fragments of the moon, which have 
lately fallen, with singular propriety, in a neighboring state ; — 
and have thrown considerable light on the state of hterature and 
the arts in that planet ; — showing that the universal language 
which prevails there is high Dutch ; thereby proving it to be the 
most ancient and original tongue, and corroborating the opinion 
of a celebrated poet, that it is the language in which the serpent 
tempted our grandmother Eve. 

To support the theatric department, I had several very judicious 
critiques, ready written, wherein no quarter was shown either to 



.SAL.MAGUNDI. 241 

authors or actors ; and I was only waiting to determine at what 
pkays or performances they should be levelled. As to the grand 
spectacle of Cinderella, which is to be represented this season, I 
had given it a most unmerciful handling : showing that it was 
neither tragedy, comedy, nor farce ; that the incidents were highly 
improbable, that the prince played like a perfect harlequin, that 
the white mice were merely powdered for the occasion, and that 
the new moon had a most outrageous copper nose. 

But my most profound and erudite essay in embryo is an ana- 
lytical, hypercritical review of these Salmagundi lucubrations; 
which I had written partly in revenge for the many waggish 
jokes played off against me by my confederates, and partly for 
the purpose of saving much invaluable labor to the Zoiluses and 
Dennises of the age, by detecting and exposing all the similari- 
ties, resemblances, synonymies, analogies, coincidences, &c., which 
occur in this work. 

I hold it downright plagiarism for any author to write, or even 
to think, in the same manner with any other writer that either 
did, doth, or may exist. It is a sage maxim of law — ^'' Ignorantia 
neminem excusaV^ — and the same has been extended to litera- 
ture : so that if an author shall publish an idea that has been ever 
hinted by another, it shall be no exculpation for him to plead 
ignorance of the fact. All, therefore, that I had to do was to 
take a good pair of spectacles, or a magnifying glass, and with 
Salmagundi in hand and a table full of books before me, to mouse 
over them alternately, in a corner of Cockloft library : carefully 
comparing and contrasting aU odd ends and fragments of senten- 
ces. Little did honest Launce suspect, when he sat lounging 
and scribbling in his elbow-chair with no other stock to draw 
upon than his own brain, and no other authority to consult than 
the sage Luikum FideUus ! — little did he think that his careless, 
unstudied effusions would receive such scrupulous investigation. 

By laborious researches, and patiently collating words, where 
sentences and ideas did not correspond, I have detected sundry 
sly disguises and metamorphoses of which, I'll be bound, Lang- 
staff himself is ignorant. Thus, for instance — The little man in 
black, is evidently no less a personage than old G-oody Blake, or 
goody something, filched ti-om the Spectator, who confessedly 
filched her from Otway's "wrinkled hag with age grown double." 
My friend Launce has taken the honest old woman, dressed her 
up in the cast-off suit worn by Twaits, in Lampedo, and endea- 
vored to palm the imposture upon the enhghtened inhabitants 
of Gotham. No further proof of the fact need be given, than that 
Goody Blake was taken for a witch ; and the little man in black 
for a conjurer; and that they both lived in villages, the inhabitants 
of which were distinguished by a most respectful abhorrence of 
hobgoblins and broomsticks ; to be sure the astonishing similarity 
ends here, but surely that is enough to prove that the httle man in 
black is no other than Goody Blake in the disguise of a white witch. 

11 



242 SALMAGUXDI. 

Thus, also, the sage Mustapha, in mistaking a brag-party for a 
convention of magi studying hieroglyphics, may pretend to origi- 
nality of idea and to a familiar acquaintance with the black-letter 
literati of the east ; — But this Tripolitan trick will not pass here ; 
— I refer those who wish to detect his larceny to one of those 
wholesale jumbles, or hodge-podge collections of science, which, 
like a tailor's pandemonium, or a giblet-pye, are receptacles for 
scientific fragments of all sorts and sizes. The reader, learned in 
dictionary studies, will at once perceive I mean an encyclopsedia. 
There, under the title of magi, Egypt, cards, or hieroglyphics, I 
forget which, will be discovered an idea similar to that of Musta- 
pha, as snugly concealed as truth at t4ie bottom of a well, or the 
misletoe amid the shady branches of an oak : — and it may at any 
time be drawn from its lurking-place, by those hewers of wood 
and drawers of water, who labor in humbler walks of criticism. 
This is assuredly a most unpardonable error of the sage Mustapha, 
who had been the captain of a ketch ; and, of course, as your nau- 
tical men are for the most part very learned, ought to have known 
better. But this is not the only blunder of the grave Mussulman 
who swears by the head of Amrou, the beard of Barbarossa, and 
the sword of Khalid, as glibly as our good Christian soldiers ana- 
thematize body and soul, or a sailor his eyes and odd hmbs. Now 
I solemnly pledge myself to the world, that in all my travels 
through the east, in Persia, Arabia, China, and Egypt, I never 
heard man, woman, or child, utter any of those preposterous and 
new fangled asseverations ; and that, so far from swearing by any 
man's head, it is considered, throughout the east, the greatest in- 
sult that can be offered to either the living or dead to meddle in 
any shape even with his beard. These are but two or three spe- 
cimens of the exposures I would have made ; but I should have 
descended still lower ; nor would have spared the most insignifi- 
cant and, or but, or nevertheless provided I could have found a 
ditto in the Spectator or the dictionary ; — but all these minutiae I 
bequeath to the Lilliputian literati of this sagacious community, 
who are fond of hunting " such small deer," and I earnestly pray 
they may find full employment for a twelve-month to come. 

But the most outrageous plagiarisms of friend Launcelot, are 
those made on sundry living personages. Thus : Tom Straddle 
has been evidently stolen from a distinguished Brummagem emi- 
grant, since they both ride on horseback ; — Dabble, the little great 
man, has his origin in a certain aspiring counsellor, who is rising 
in the world as rapidly as the heaviness of his head will permit ; 
mine uncle John will bear a tolerable comparison, particularly as 
it respects the sterling qualities of his heart, with a worthy yeo- 
man of Westchester county ; — and to deck out Aunt Charity, and 
the amiable Miss Cocklofts, he has rifled the charms of half the 
ancient vestals in the city. Nay, he has taken unpardonable lib- 
erties with my own person ! — elevating me on the substantial 
pedestals of a worthy gentleman from China, and tricking me out 



SALMAGUNDI. 243 

with claret coats, tight breeches, and silver-sprigged dickeys, in 
such sort that I can scarcely recognize my own resemblance; — 
whereas I absolutely declare that I am an exceeding good-looking 
man, neither too taU nor too short, too old nor too young, with a 
person indifferently robust, a head rather inclining to be large, an 
easy swing in my walk ; and that I wear my own hair, neither 
queued, nor cropped, nor turned up, but in a fair, pendulous, os- 
cillating club, tied with a yard of nine-penny black riband. 

And now having said aU that occurs to me on the present 
pathetic occasion, — having made my speech, wrote my eulogy, and 
drawn my portrait, I bid my readers an affectionate farewell ; ex- 
horting them to live honestly and soberly ; — paying their taxes, and 
reverencing the state, the church, and the corporation; — reading 
diligently the bible and almanac, the newspaper and Salmagundi ; 
which is all the reading an honest citizen has occasion for ; and 
eschewing all spirit of faction, discontent, irreligion, and criticism. 
"Wliich is all at present 

From their departed friend, 
"William Wizard. 



NOTES. 



Page 8.—" The, Toicn," was the title of a New Tork newspaper, which 
devoted especial attention to theatrical criticisms. 

P. 10. — " Kissing Bridge'' — in the suburbs of New Tork — ^so called, be* 
cause the beaux, on sleighing parties, here exacted a kiss, by way of 
toll, from their fair companions. 

P. 15. — " TJie color of Mr. Jefferson's ****." President Jefferson, 
with a strange defiance of good taste, used to display himself on levee- 
days and other public occasions in red velvet small-clothes. 

P. 16. — " The North River Society^" was supposed to be an association of 
the young men of fashion, with little talent and gi'eat pretensions, 
whose object was to set the North {or Hudson) River on fire. 

V. 22. — Raff's Mtisical Tree. Michael Paff, a noted music-seller and con- 
noisseur of old pictures. An emblematical device was suspended 
from a poplar tree in front of his shop in Broadway, near Park place. 

P. 80. — " Regiment of TripoUtan Prisoners." Several Tripolitan prison^ 
ers taken by the American squadron in an action off Tripoli, were 
brought to New York ; where they lived at large, objects of the curi- 
osity and hospitality of the inhabitants, until an opportunity offered 
to restore them to their own country. 



Putnam's Railway Classics. 
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1857. 



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